DANGER ZONES IN THE MEIJI ERA

CHAPTER ONE: I'm in love with a Chinchilla

Kairee sat gloomily on the bank of the river, looking up at the cliff like she wanted to stab it.

"Come on, smell the fresh air! Lighten up!" Spazz said, trying to cheer her up, but Kairee would not be consoled.

"It smells like dead fish," she growled.

"Fine, look at the shining blue water! Isn't it beautiful?"

"It's muddy and brown. The reflection of the sun off it blinds me," Kairee corrected darkly.

Spazz made one last attempt. "Then feel the damn sand between your frickin' toes!!" she fumed.

Kairee shook her head, and swore for a couple minutes in Japanese before replying bitterly, "It's more like dirt, and I hate dirty feet!"

"Why are you so pissy? Are you PMSing?" Spazz demanded haughtily.

"Do you really want to know?" Kairee deadpanned.

"Not really," Spazz said quickly.

"Well," Kairee said with a frustrated sigh, "if you really want to know-"

"I DON'T," Spazz interrupted, and was met with a glare from Kairee who continued nonetheless to say, "this is where Sozo died." Kairee sniffed and wiped at one eye.

"Oh…oh…OH…oooooohhh…" Spazz realized, finishing darkly with a face. Kairee lapsed back into a comatose state.

"So…" Spazz began slowly as she went back to her cheery ways, "want to go swimming?"

Kairee shot here an exasperated look before chucking a heavy rock the size of a baseball at Spazz's head. It connected with a hollow THUNK and Spazz fell over, clutching her head in pain. She lay twitching for several moments, then stood up despite her probably concussion, which she did not appear to notice.

She glared at Kairee. "That hurt," she whined. Kairee ignored her. Spazz looked away with dignity and tried to keep up a haughty manner while shooting furious glances at Kairee, who continued to ignore her entirely. Eventually, Spazz just ended up staring at Kairee.

"Errr…." came a deep voice from directly behind Spazz, scaring her out of her pants.

She turned on Sano angrily, yelling "DON'T DO THAT!!"

Sano blinked in surprise. "Do…what?" he asked, confused.

"Scare me!" Spazz fumed. "I'm the only one who's allowed to scare people, especially me!"

She got all up in his face with the most frightening look imaginable, and added quietly but dangerously, "Do you think I'm scary?"

Sano blanched and took a step back, and Spazz laughed maniacally.

Sano quickly changed the subject. "Who are you and what are you doing here?" he demanded. "Sulking," Kairee muttered. "And I'm watching," Spazz chimed in. Sano stooped before Kairee where she sat, and examined her closely.

"What's your deal?" he asked.

"I'm mourning the loss of my true love," Kairee said morosely.

"More like the toss," Spazz said, suppressing a laugh. 'I made a rhyme!' she though gleefully.

Both Sano and Kairee glared at her, yelling, "THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!!" They looked at each other, both confused by the other's reaction.

Spazz rolled her eyes. "Yeah, they're the same guy," she muttered.

Kairee frowned and chucked another rock at her, which she dodged, but barely. "What do you mean by that?" Kairee asked, while Sano looked on curiously.

Spazz sighed. "Both of you are PMSing because of Sozo."

"Eh?" Sano looked down at himself, then back at Spazz.

Kairee raised an eyebrow curiously. "What are you saying? That we're both PMSing because of Sozo?"

Sano gave Kairee an odd look. "Uh, yeah. I'm pretty sure that's what she said." Seeing Kairee's clueless expression, Sano changed topics. "So, did you know Captain Sagara, or something?" he inquired.

Kairee visibly drooped. "Alas," she said, bemoaning her fate, "he was my one true love, and I miss him with all my heart." Kairee sniffed.

Spazz sighed heavily, indicating that this was a common occurrence, but offered no more in the way of explanation.

Sanosuke frowned. "If you were his one true love, how come he never mentioned you?" he demanded. "I never heard a thing about you."

Kairee turned away, with her nose in the air. "Not that it's any of your business, but he…kinda…only knew me as his pet chinchilla at the time."

Sano gaped at her as Spazz snickered quietly in the background.

"YOU'RE FLUFFY?!?!" he gasped, astonished. "Whenever Captain Sagara talked at all, that's what he usually talked about." Sano stopped and looked at her suspiciously. "How come you're not a chinchilla now?" he inquired.

Kairee flushed a little bit, but opened her mouth to explain. "Well, you know how if you're not happy being the gender you are, you can get a sex change? It's kinda like that, only with species."

Sano looked at her blankly. "No…?"

"This is MEIJI ERA JAPAN, Kairee, remember? They don't have sex changes." Spazz reminded Kairee.

"Oh," Kairee said. "Well, for now let's just say I killed myself and was reincarnated like this."

"Oh…kay…" said Sano.

Spazz laughed like a drunkard and fell over, sloshing beer all over herself.

The two innocent bystanders looked down at Spazz.

"Where'd you get that beer?" Sano asked. "I want some…"

Kairee looked at the still-giggling Spazz. "Uh, dude, I think you've had enough…"

Spazz sat up, (or tried to, unsuccessfully) eyes wide. Pulling at her face in horror, she screamed, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

Spazz was suddenly scared out of her pants as she heard 'no' being screamed back at her, then relaxed when she realized it was an echo.

Sano sighed. "No beer?" he asked sadly.

Spazz shook her head, and Sano sighed again.

Kairee sighed as well. "Beer is good."

"Beer is good, beer is good," Spazz agreed.

"And stuff," Sano added.

Suddenly, Kairee fell over, depressed again. Spazz was exasperated.

"Well, if he means soooo much to you, why don't you just bring him back to life?" she demanded.

Kairee stared at her with an expression of amazement. "Whoa," she said. "Right!"

Sano looked alarmed. "Are you talking about Captain Sagara?"

"Close your eyes for a moment," Spazz recommended, and Sano obliged, to creeped out to refuse. There was the sound of a loud explosion (boom!) and Sano's nose was filled with the dust suddenly dominating the air. He sneezed seven times and wiped his watering eyes, opening them. (Open sesame!) What he saw made him close his eyes again as he choked back tears.

"Am I hallucinating?" he inquired hoarsely.

"No, but there's whitefish blastula in my nose, and it makes me say 'SALSA'!" came Kairee's voice.

"With mangos," added Spazz, making no sense whatsoever.

Suddenly, Sano heard a familiar yell. "DON'T TOUCH MY DANGER ZONE!!" With a strangled cry, Sano opened his eyes and threw himself at his resurrected mentor. Unfortunately, Kairee was currently invading Sozo's DANGER ZONE, so he couldn't sob on Captain Sagara's shoulder like he used to.

Sano stopped his slow-mo running and asked, "Why would you do that?"

Kairee replied, "I dunno what you're talking about, but stay away from my DANGER ZONE. No admittance allowed."

"None?" Spazz inquired dryly.

"Well, only for piñatas. And Sozo." Kairee amended.

Spazz looked at Sano and said, "I dunno, I'd tap that."

Sano looked vaguely confuzzled.

Spazz added, "I'd invert his forbidden pencil."

Kairee said, "I'd let Sozo spike MY lower cotton candy."

Spazz looked at Kairee, a bit affronted. "Well, I want to bash his pink wax brontosaurus."

"Well, I'M gonna spank HIS hot flounder!!!" Kairee yelled angrily.

Sano and Sozo looked ill. This caught the two girls' attention, and the men shrunk away in fear. Spazz, now holding up a pink wax brontosaurus and a pencil reading 'FORBIDDEN' on the side, asked "What's with you guys?"

"Yeah," said Kairee, brandishing a steaming fish reading 'PROP. Of SOZO' and a bag of cotton candy.

The men looked slightly relieved, but with a downcast to their expressions.

Spazz and Kairee looked at each other. "What did they think we were saying?" they asked each other, then understanding dawned on their features.

"Stupid French tadpoles," Kairee muttered. "I'm gonna haze those wannabe frogs…"

"I'll polish their yogurt…" Spazz said menacingly. She looked at Sano. "And you- you can stay away from my DANGER ZONE, unless I instruct you otherwise."

Sano looked puzzled, and Spazz said, "That's right- that's a euphemism."

The four were distracted when they heard a voice yelling, "Sano, Miss Megumi asked that you taste Miss Kaoru's cooking before she tries any of it." They turned to see Kenshin walking towards them.

Upon seeing Sozo, Kairee and Spazz, Kenshin felt the polite urge to introduce himself. "This one is called Himura Kenshin. Who might you be?"

"Well, you see, we have amnesia…" Kairee said apologetically.

Spazz grinned. "For now, we'll just go by Spazz-" Kairee pointed to Spazz- "and Kairee." She pointed to herself.

"Ah, and who are you?" Kenshin asked Sozo.

"Sagara Sozo," he said with a bow. Kenshin's eyes widened dramatically.

"Pleased to make your acquaintance," he choked out in a strangled voice, having heard of the sekihotai and his 'demise', but was too polite to ask.

Turning to all four individuals, Kenshin asked, "Would you like to accompany this one to Miss Kaoru's dojo? I'd be honored if you dined with us."

"I'd be amazed if they survived," Sano muttered.

Sozo looked confused while Spazz cringed. Kairee stared at Sozo, gauging his reaction, then adopted a confused expression as well.

Spazz sighed. "I suppose it would be impolite to decline," she said. "Lead the way, Himura."

In Town

"Excuse me for a moment," Kenshin said. "I must pick up my friends Yahiko and Miss Megumi for lunch." He left for a moment, then returned with a young boy and a woman in her twenties.

Spazz and Kairee assessed the pair while Sozo introduced himself and Sano mumbled a 'hello'.

'The short one reminds me of a cockroach.' Kairee thought.

'Yeah,' Spazz thought back. 'And Megumi is a bit insulting, so watch yourself!'

Returning to the verbal world, the two noticed Sano staring at them with a slightly startled and confused expression. "Hey…Spazz, how did you know my name? At all?"

Spazz looked at him blankly. "What are you talking about?"

"How did you know my name?" he persisted.

"You introduced yourself," Spazz told him.

Sano said, "No I didn't…"

Spazz sighed, frustrated. "Fine. I know you. I know all of you- better than you could possibly imagine."

Sano, Sozo and Kenshin were startled.

"There's a story about you guys. I happen to know it. Your lives have been made into a form of entertainment." Spazz explained.

Suddenly, something dawned on Kairee. "OOH…aren't they from 'Rurouni Kenshin'?" she asked.

"Heck yes," Spazz replied.

"Right," Sano said slowly, backing away. "Kenshin, I think the amnesiacs are crazy."

Kenshin looked at the two girls. "Well, that doesn't give them lunch," he declared. "Let's at least feed them."

Spazz blanched and stepped backwards. "I'd rather DIE than eat Kaoru's cooking. Eating it would kill me anyway," she added in an undertone.

'Well, it'll buy us some time before they send us to the loony bin,' Kairee thought hard at Spazz, who sighed and nodded.

"Lunch please- I need yum-yum in my tum-tum," she said in a dead voice.

Kenshin smiled and beckoned. "This way, please."

Spazz's eyes widened. "I'm sorry, Kenshin. I don't feel that way about you. But if it means that much to you, we could have a pointless one-night stand."

"Oro?" Kenshin squeaked out, rose red.

Megumi, who had been watching the conversation along with Sozo and Yahiko as if it was a tennis match, laughed lightly. "Aren't they funny?" she smiled. "Follow me, ladies. Kaoru's dojo is this way."

Shrugging, the rest of the entourage trooped after her.

Property of Spazz and Sicko Inc.

Biffing on The Joy Luck Club movie

No chinchillas were harmed in the writing of this story

Still Property of Spazz and Sicko Inc.

Beer!!! By Psychostick is the BEST. SONG. EVER.

ZAPs + Twilight by Stephenie Meyer ….

….Always Amusing Euphemism Generator. 'Nuff said.

This was co-written with MarsOutcast- as you might have guessed, I'm Spazz, and she's Kairee. The first sequel to 'I Wanna Be An Oscar Meyar Wiener' and 'Foobaloobayubikaland'.