Without A Hitch
an Aaaah! Real Monsters Fanfic
by Save Fearow
Author's Notes: Fulfilling a request. There really won't be too many of these 'Future Fics' because I prefer to focus on the monsters' Academy adventures, since that was the age we best knew them. There could probly be one or two sequels to this, the majority of fanfics will concentrate almost entirely on their Academy days, with the possible exceptions of a flashback now and then.
Sublima frowned. "You're marrying Moochy?" she asked. It was a question, not a statement. Oblina could hear the indignation in her mother's voice.
"Yes, Mumsy dearest. And I do wish you wouldn't call him that." Oblina replied.
"He's certainly 'borrowed' enough toenails from us over the years. Why would you ever promise that we'd pay for the things he broke?" Sublima demanded.
"Because it was important to me, and because we could spare it." Oblina answered. "You would never even have known those toenails were gone if Lugo hadn't informed you of the fact."
Lugo blushed. "Dreadfully sorry, Miz Oblina, but I do have obligations to Madame Sublima." Lugo apologized.
"Thank you. At least SOMEONE knows their duties." Sublima snapped.
"Let's not be hasty, dear. Maybe Bliny has a good reason." offered Skeech.
"A good reason, for bringing this shame onto our household?!" Sublima wailed.
"Ickis is not shameful, Mumsy!" Oblina countered.
"Mumsy what?" Sublima prompted.
"Mumsy that's all you get. I don't want to call you dearest until you start addressing MY fiance by his proper name!" Oblina retorted.
"His name is mud, as far as I'm considered. I always detested that boy, he was worse than the other one. At least the walking stench factory was ugly. That, that monster isn't just working-class, and clumsy, and stupid, and obtrusive, he's CUTE." Sublima saved her best insult for last.
Oblina gasped. "How could you?" she sobbed.
"He's not always cute." Skeech hastily tried to amend the situation. "He's um, sometimes he's quite tall. With dripping fangs, that's always frightening."
"That's just a loom. I'd be surprised if he could hold that shape for 10 minutes." Sublima opined.
Oblina looked uncomfortable. Ickis had loomed for 7 minutes, 28 seconds during his final, and then he had passed out for 4 minutes. Actually, Krumm had dragged him back to the sidelines after that, and Ickis had still seemed a bit loopy even after the first cup of unleaded crude oil. But she thought it more prudent to play up his strengths.
"Icky's scares have improved every year." Oblina insisted.
"See? He seems like a very er... innovative monster. Doesn't he work with camoflauge, too? I'm fairly certain I've seen him with blue fur, not bright and flashy like mine, more of a pale, icy shade." Skeech recalled.
Oblina looked at the floor. "I think he had the flu then, Dada." she admitted.
"That's right, the sickly little twerp's combustible, isn't he? Good luck getting a health insurance to cover THAT." sneered Sublima.
Oblina scowled at her. "Did you tell your great-aunt that, Mumsy? Or did you have the sense to be quiet for a change?" she snarled.
"Stripes, I know you're upset, but fighting with your mother isn't going to solve anything." Skeech proclaimed.
"Yes, you would know, Dada. You spent MY graduation fighting with her. If you HAD been there, you would have seen Ickis for the kind of monster he truly is! Lugo came, he can attest to that!" Oblina yelled.
Lugo flinched, hating that the spotlight was on him again. "It appears that Master Ickis is a long-time companion of Miz Oblina. He comforted her when another monster was exceedingly rude to her." Lugo began.
"Gludge." Oblina supplied. "You wouldn't know him, thankfully."
"Prevented her untimely disappearance. Saved her from drowning, more than once, was it? Yes, and accompanied her to Antartica for an extra-credit assignment." Lugo detailed.
"Frostbite and bronchitis! How many friends do YOU have that would risk that?" Oblina questioned.
"I think my friends have more sense, and I mean that as both a judgement call and as a monetary assessment." Sublima qualified.
"Those are heterographs, sound alike but spelled differently!" snapped Oblina. "You know NOTHING."
"Wh-wh-what?" Sublima roared.
"Nothing, Mumsy, absolutely nothing! You have never paid attention to anything I wrote or mentioned about the Academy before, but you will pay attention NOW. Icky retrieved my brain when I studied too hard and it escaped. He and Krummy worked together to save me during a hurricane. And they both evicted a parasite, although Krumm claims that Ickis was the one firing all the synapses!" Oblina took a deep breath before concluding "Icky's a good friend and a better monster. I'm marrying that loomer whether you like it or not!"
Sublima was floored. "You'll do no such thing! We would sooner kick you out of this household!" Sublima declared.
"We would?" asked Skeech. His wife elbowed him. "Sorry Stripes. I guess we -would-." admitted Skeech.
"Fine. I had a feeling you would be unreasonable, that's why I had Icky wait outside for me!" Oblina stated defiantly. "Lugo, tell Ickis he can come and escort me off the premises, now."
Lugo bowed. "Very good, Miz Oblina. I shall fetch him at once." He nodded to her parents as well, then turned and exited the room.
"I'm sorry Oblina. Your mother has a very good point, I just can't think of what it might be, it'll come to me later." he offered sheepishly.
"I'm sure it will, after she's screamed it at you often enough." Oblina noted airily.
"Oblina, don't you talk to your father like that!" Sublima howled.
"I shall talk however I please, for as long as I am forced to endure your company." retorted Oblina. "Good day, Mumsy."
"OBLINA!" Sublima roared.
"I believe I said 'good day'!" Oblina announced. "There you are, Icky!"
Ickis yawned. "Sorry I'm late, your argument lasted longer'n thought it would, so I um... sorta fell asleep in your bushes. They're kinda soft and warm." he confessed.
Oblina sighed. "They're poison ivy. Mumsy planted them to discourage loiters." she explained.
"Ah... this is a bad time to admit that I also ate some, isn't it?" Ickis remarked.
"Picked a real winner, haven't you, dear?" simpered Sublima.
"Ignore her. She just can't stand to see anyone else living as they see fit." Oblina commented.
"Yeah, that's what Dad told me, in one of those secret 'this is just between a father and a son, don't go blabbing' talks." Ickis replied. He clapped a paw over his mouth in embarassment. "Forget I mentioned it. Ha. Nice fleeing you, I mean seeing you. Certainly I'm not nervous to be in your extravagance, er, that's presence. Yeah! I j-just like your daughter, in a squishy way that hasn't involved touching of a y'know post-marital variety although I had plans... that you might not wanna hear about so I'll be going now, g'bye!" he blurted out.
Oblina grabbed Ickis and yanked him away. Skeech waved at the retreating couple. "He seemed nice." Skeech observed. Sublima's scowl deepened.
"Hey Dad. I've thrown up alot of poison on the way here this evening, and it is getting late, so I was hoping you'd let me and Oblina crash here tonight?" Ickis asked hopefully.
"Sure, that's no trouble." Slickis paused. "Poison? You didn't drink any of that Kool-Aid again, did you?"
Ickis absently scratched his arm. "One time, and you treat it like a habit." he muttered. "No, no, Oblina's parents like to maintain a lawn full of toxic plants."
"Ouch, tough break. Maybe I've got some lotion somewhere, I really ought to stock up more on these sort of things. You'd think I'd know by now... oh but, where are my manners? C'mon in, Oblina." Slickis offered.
"Thank you Slickis." Oblina stepped gingerly over the threshold.
"You can sleep in my room, Oblina." Ickis offered. "Sometimes I crash out on the sofa anyway, when I'm not feeling so great. Which is alot less frequent than some monsters would tell you!"
"Nobody doubts that." Oblina politely lied.
"I haven't redecorated in awhile. So it may not be entirely indicative of my current maturity." Ickis stressed.
"That's fine." Oblina assured him. She followed Slickis upstairs, and gave an involuntary chuckle. Ickis' room was filled with stacks of comic books, repaired electronic equipment, a bookshelf consisting mostly of books by human authors such as Tolkien, Heinlein, Pratchett, King, Bradbury, MaGuire, Asimov, Herbert, Niven, and Clarke, a lead pipe for Sewerball practice, movie posters for 'The Natural', 'Batman', 'Young Frankenstein', 'Aliens Vs Predator', 'Pirates of The Caribbean', and 'Jurassic Park', a fully detailed model of Yankee Stadium, several reproductions of the Academy and its various students created in a multitude of medias, and most thoughtfully placed of all, a box of artist supplies next to an easel. In one corner cassette tapes, CDs, and vinyl records were all jumbled together near a studio lamp. There was a dartboard with Zimbo's face on it that she'd nearly missed, but you couldn't say the same about Ickis. There were many holes surrounding the bull's-eye and 3 darts still clung near the center. An empty dog dish and a collar she recognized as once belonging to Fungus were on the floor, as well as some half-eaten wire springs and aluminum cans.
"It's alot like his part of the dorm." she stated. "I'd feel right at home here."
Slickis smiled. "Glad you like it. There's no window in this room, it seemed safer that way. But if you need more light than the lamp provides, Ickis hides a flashlight under the loose floorboard, along with some trading cards and one of the old Academy yearbooks." Slickis detailed. Oblina looked at him questioningly. "A father doesn't spy, he just takes notice." Slickis clarified.
"Mm-hmm. I watch out for him, too. He doesn't really make it easy on us." she admitted.
"Not really, no. But I'm sure he's no greater challenge than your average boy!" Slickis added cheerfully.
Oblina looked hesistant. "I can't claim to be an expert on young monsters..." she began.
"Alright then. We've settled that." Slickis nodded satisfactorily as his gaze traveled downward. "I'll just leave you to get your ugly sleep."
"Sir? You're um, looked at my hand rather intently." Oblina pointed out.
"I'm sorry. I shouldna been staring." Slickis conceded. "It's just, that brass fastener used to be Squelia's, and it's good to see it being worn again. I was a little worried when Ickis asked to have it re-sized because you..." Slickis trailed off.
"Might have turned him down?" Oblina finished.
"Might have needed more time to think it over." Slickis professed. "Some monsters aren't ready for a commitment, when they're fresh outta the Academy."
"It was either we get committed, or he get admitted for a lifetime of therapy. After all we'd been through, I couldn't just throw Icky aside like that." Oblina explained. "He loves me, and I s'pose that after awhile I started loving him back. I'm not really sure HOW he did that, but he won me over in that battle of attrition."
"Heh. And he always claimed he didn't have the stamina for a long-distance slog." Slickis remarked. "G'night, Oblina."
"Good night sir." she responded in kind.
Oblina awoke to the smell of fried garbage. It was so appetitizing, she strongly suspected Ickis wasn't involved in the preparation. She strolled downstairs and confirmed her theory by watching Slickis cook over an open flame.
"Nice timing, Oblina. There's still some mealworms left." Ickis informed her.
She stared at the array of dirty dishes. "Icky, you didn't have to tell your father to go through all this trouble on my behalf." she protested.
"It's no trouble at all!" Slickis assured him.
"This is pretty typical of Dad. He loves makin' breakfast and he'd eat almost anything that wasn't nailed down." claimed Ickis.
"You're still mad that I ate your homework back in '99." Slickis realized.
"It was a diorama of the entire Academy done to 1/32 scale!" Ickis remembered. "I spent 2 weeks of summer vacation building that."
"You probly shouldna have used cardboard, popsicle sticks, and paper mache. Sorry but that stuff's delicious." Slickis pointed out.
"Doesn't anybody read 'Keep Out' signs?" Ickis bemoaned.
"Not the way you spell them." Oblina teased.
"Jokes are all I get for watching that he didn't eat YOUR plate?" Ickis pouted. "Makes me wonder why I even bother."
"Thank you, Icky. That was very thoughtful." Oblina informed him. She looked at Ickis closely. His fur was blotchy and he had bags under his eyes. "I know you got up before me, but did you sleep AT ALL?" she questioned.
"I'll sleep when the pain stops." Ickis insisted. He folded his paws and scratched both arms at once. "Yaargh. You'd think the fur would be more of a deterrent to poison ivy, but it's useless."
"I wouldn't go that far. I've always -liked- your fur, even when it turns-" Oblina began.
"Don't say it!" Ickis cut her off. "Involuntary color changes are sooo embarassing an' unfair! Dad NEVER had to look so stupid."
"Recessive genes." Slickis claimed. "I don't think your Granma was too fond of it, either, although she might have been more put off by Grandpa being such a commanding care-giver."
Oblina frowned. "Commanding care-giver? How is that possible?" she wondered.
"'Whaddya doin' soljuh? Cain't yuh see yer motha ain't well? Y'all -betta- stop yer yammerin' or I will bust ya back dooown to private. I scared fiddy humans durin' the war, think I cain't handle one backsassin' bonsty, no suh!'" Slickis boomed.
Oblina's eyes widened. "When he made that remark, was he yelling it at the top of his voice?" asked Oblina.
"Yup. The irony was always lost on him." Slickis explained. "He WAS a good monster, just very vocal."
"I've known my share of those." Ickis agreed. "'Master Ickis! When I asked you to fix the Viewfinder, I didn't mean you should make it so all it showed were MY old scares!'"
"Hee hee, I didn't even know that was possible before you DID that!" Oblina laughed.
"Sure, the Viewfinder's got multiple playback options. The default setting is to show the occupant's most recent, or strongest memory. If you focus real hard, sometimes you can fool the whole class, by making it show an earlier attempt. Just try an' pick some scare that seemed ordinary, so nobody realizes they seen it a couple years back." Ickis detailed.
"Is that way those teenagers were wearing bicycle shorts, roller-blades, and backwards ball caps, in 2005?" Oblina pressed.
"Maaaybe." Ickis all but admitted. "I just reconfigured the standard system settings, set the Viewfind on a 'best of' loop, and picked a monster who had a large number of scares stored in its memory banks. If the Gromble didn't WANT us to know about the shoe store, he shoulda had that reel destroyed."
"Did you destroy any of -your- old material?" Oblina questioned.
"No way! It woulda been too easy for him to trace that back to me. Now, as Headmaster of the Academy, one is given more privacy and more leeway in the rules they set." stated Ickis.
"Tell me you're not going to college in the hopes of removing that 'meat locker' reel." Oblina insisted.
"I never minded that one. You were nice to me afterwards." Ickis clarified. "Besides, it could serve as an object lesson to future students. I bet I could pick any dozen young bonstys, show them the clips, and get each one to tell me a different aspect in which I messed up -that- scare."
"You know, I think that WOULD be more effective than just yelling that the 'mundane miscreants' would be Snorched for sure." Oblina encouraged.
"Yup. All'a time he was berating my ineffectualness, I was creating my own syllabus." Ickis declared.
"You expect us to believe that?" confronted Oblina.
"I keep hoping." Ickis proclaimed.
"You should tell us these things more often. I wouldn't even have known about the lawnmower if Krumm hadn't told that joke about premature baldness." recalled Slickis.
Ickis sighed heavily. "I tried, there was no good way to mention it." he confessed.
Slickis inspected one of the pots. "Cockroach creole's done. You want egg cartons with yours, Oblina?" he asked.
"I'm fine with just the mealworms. You go ahead, Slickis." Oblina told him.
"She's a keeper." Slickis whispered to his son before serving himself another bowl.
"I been saying that forever." Ickis agreed.
"I'm sure you two have plenty to discuss. Wedding plans, a honeymoon, where you're going to live... hmm, maybe that should be your FIRST priority." Slickis decided.
Oblina lowered her eyes. "I've always been at the Academy or at Mumsy and Dada's. I don't have any experience hunting for houses." she admitted.
"You can stay here as long as you need. Door's always open." Slickis offered. He swallowed the last of the creole. "Sorry to rush off, but I like to go for a loom before the groupies start showing up." he explained hastily.
"They come to your house?!" Oblina marveled.
"You should be here the week after the Iron Monster Marathon. They've built tent cities." Ickis acknowleged. He scratched his arm again.
"That's an invasion of privacy!" complained Oblina.
"Yeah, it's real annoying. I draw the line at planting poison ivy around the perimeter, though." Ickis stated resolutely.
"Monsters can build up a tolerance to that anyway, given time." reasoned Oblina.
Outside, a crowd was beginning to gather. "I hope the Great Slickis says hello to me!" one monster chirped.
"I hope he screeches for us." another suggested.
"I just want him to sign my tomato." a third insisted.
Slickis sighed. "You didn't see me, okay?" he claimed as he backed up and seemed to disappear into the wall.
"He's very good at camoflauge." noted Oblina.
"Why do you think I never got away with -anything- as a bonsty?" Ickis whined. "An' you can forget about winning at hide-and-seek, I got a better chance of rolling a perfect game of Gorblats. On the moon. While giving a concert to benefit Combustibility Awareness."
"I would go to that." professed a voice from behind Ickis. A paw reached out to ruffle Ickis' fur quickly and then was gone in an instant. "Take care, son. You too, Oblina."
Ickis sighed as he smoothed his fur back down. "If he weren't immune to poison ivy, he would so be regretting that." Ickis muttered. "You watch. Dad'll start doing something annoying to you soon enough, and when you moan about it, everyone will say 'He's the Great Slickis! We'd be honored if he did that!' until you had to admit it wasn't awful."
"I'll look forward to that." claimed Oblina.
"Not half as much as you'll like the things I'll do." Ickis winked suggestively.
"We're not married yet, Icky!" she exclaimed.
"Nothing wrong with a trial run!" he persisted.
Oblina swatted him gently. "Go to bed, Ickis." she instructed.
Oblina browsed through a selection of Wedding Planner magazines as Ickis napped, all of which she'd found under a tattered copy of "How To Get Dates And Influence Squishes". She noted the chapter on how "She's Just Not That Into You" was still dog-eared. Well, maybe it was a good thing her campaign hadn't succeeded in destroying every copy, although Ickis shouldn't have smuggled that book out of the Academy library. There were alot of things necessary to have a wedding. She decided right away that she would be the one to determine the guest list and send out all the invitations, since she wanted them to actually -go- to the intended recipients. Even her parents would get an invite, Lugo -might- be able to talk them into it, given enough warning ahead of time. She simply hadn't prepared them enough for this, if they really knew Ickis, they wouldn't be so dismissive. Oblina glanced at her sleeping fiance, Ickis seemed to be conducting an orchestra in his sleep.
"Baby when the night is through, I'm gonna marry you..." Ickis proclaimed.
Yes, Ickis should be in charge of the wedding reception. Give him a microphone and you'd have the crowd eating out of his paws. Oblina frowned. Dizzle could sit at one of the back tables, where the acoustics were at their worst. They could order most of the food from Krumm's father, mold was simple but flavorful, and could feed a large group on a budget (but maybe they'd offer Slickis an additional meal somewhere else. Ickis insisted there were a few places in NYC that always gave his Dad a slime pie, on the house.) She already had the venue envisioned, one that ought to appeal to her parents' sense of tradition. Ickis stirred, and blinked awake.
"Hey Oblina. Been doing a lot of thinking?" he asked.
"Somebody has to." she commented.
"You're the one with the brains." Ickis noted. "I just find them for you when they run wild in the street."
"You remember the way you insisted certain things shouldn't be brought up out of turn?" Oblina prompted. "That's one of those."
"Got it." Ickis mimed pulling a zipper shut in front of his mouth. "Mmmf mmmf mmmf."
"And what is THAT s'posed to mean? I don't speak Snorch." Oblina snapped.
"Good thing. He looked like tough competition to me. You always liked them tall and hairy." recalled Ickis.
"Fuzzy isn't too far off." Oblina permitted.
Ickis beamed and slid his glasses back on. "You read all that while I was napping?" he exclaimed.
"Oh I didn't just read them, I took notes too." Oblina clarified.
Ickis scratched at his fur nervously. "Uh... I dreamed about doing useful things. It seemed to impress you." he declared.
"I'm sure. I was getting the guest list ready, Icky. I thought we might get married under the Williamsburg bridge, near the Bialystoker Synagogue. Mumsy and Dada were wed there, so perhaps they would be willing to come back, for old time's sake?" she offered hesistantly.
"The Lower East Side's great! Can't go wrong with Delancey Street. Yeah, we should definitely have it there! Parents are always remembering things like that, it's why they stare off into space sometimes when you're s'posed to be sleeping, or why you hafta creatively injure yourself most birthdays so they have an easy out to sneak off an' mourn in private!" Ickis babbled. He watched Oblina's eyes widen, then hastily backpedaled. "That was probly hypothetical. Why don'tcha tell me more about -our- wedding plans an' I'll nod my head at all the important parts!"
"You don't have to agree with everything I say, Icky. You never did before." Oblina stated.
"I just wanna do right by you. Whatever kind of marriage you want, that's the kind we'll have." Ickis explained. "I'll fight with you about something else, I promise!"
"What, like the wallpaper we'll have in our house?" asked Oblina.
"How bout a mural instead? I was thinking hobbits versus witches, with aliens as a third-party spoiler." Ickis suggested.
Oblina smiled with relief. "Absolutely not." she argued.
"But it would be so awesome! The battle they'd have on Mustafar alone is worth it!" Ickis continued.
"That will never happen." Oblina declared.
"Not with that attitude! Come on, Oblina, live a little! You just gotta imagine it!" encouraged Ickis.
"I imagine it traumatizing any future bonsty we might have." she replied.
That seemed to jolt Ickis back to reality. "We'd do that? Have our own bonsty?" Ickis wondered aloud.
"That IS what monster couples do. And here I thought Biology was the one lesson you paid attention to." Oblina quipped.
"So you put your elbow on your knee like this, and your thumb on your nose, and you waaave your hands..." Ickis practiced the step aloud.
Oblina giggled. "Sit back down before you embarrass yourself, Ickis." she told him.
"They shoulda made books with more pictures!" Ickis griped.
Oblina put another checkmark on her list. "Now that we've established the location, we'll need a monster to officiate the wedding." Oblina pointed out.
"Plastoog will do it! He found this online registration site for humans, since he's been asked by his friends to do a couple ceremonies, they've got some commonalities with monsters, y'know. He could help keep watch too, in case people got too close. When you've got a crowd of monsters you run the risk of having -somebody- lead the humans right to you." Ickis theorized.
"That's why I'll be keeping a close watch on YOU." Oblina detailed.
"So not fair! I always escape from monster hunters!" insisted Ickis.
"Yes, and that makes up for you being captured more often?" Oblina inquired.
"Absolutely! Everything balances out, Oblina." Ickis assured her.
"Except for our finances." Oblina noted dourly.
"I was already planning on doing a few concerts, to pay off my college tuition. I bet monsters would pay good toenails to hear decent music for a change! As long as you're being a professional scarer, why don'tcha just write a book about it? There's always a market for that." Ickis reasoned. He tapped the floor beneath him. "After the quake, Dad rebuilt this whole place off'a profits from his first book endorsements, maybe a little bit came from sponsorship. Every time he wins another competition, Wacky Wampol's rotten candy company sees a spike in purchases, an' we get a share of the profits." he exclaimed.
"Where did you live before that?" Oblina asked.
"...Bridges mostly, some underpasses... We only did it for 24 months, I barely even remember the cold, dank, exposure or the way the bonsty protective agency kept hassling him." Ickis stated quietly.
Oblina's lip quivered. "We're buying a home." she vowed.
"Hmm, we could honeymoon in Reno, Nevada. Give me one day at the Grishnak tables, an' our troubles are over! They've only banned me for sure in New York, I don't think they share that information world-wide." Ickis offered, although he kept his claws crossed as he spoke.
"I've seen some of Dada's financial reports. They've declared you a threat to the entire Casino industry." recalled Oblina.
Ickis huffed. "We'll get Krumm to place the bets, then! I'll hold one of his eyes an' stand outside. We'll employ a 2-way radio so I'll hear about every round, then I'll tell him what to wager an' when to stay or hit." Ickis schemed.
"You believe that Krummy would always follow YOUR advice?" Oblina questioned.
Ickis' ears drooped. "He probly -would- get distracted somehow, or I'd start a conversation with someone else and confuse him." Ickis realized.
"It's fine, Icky. I can make a very good living by scaring humans." insisted Oblina. "We can probly get Krumm's family to give us a discount on the catering. Do you think Krummy would mind escorting some of the more reluctant guests to our venue?"
"Y'mean, would he drag your parents cross town if they kept being stubborn, and accidentally lead them to our wedding party?" Ickis clarified. Oblina nodded. "Yeah, I think he'd do that." Ickis allowed.
All their planning had led up to this day. Oblina looked repulsive in a veil made from plastic shopping bags, with a lampshade cinched around her waist. She eyed Ickis critically.
"You said wear a hat, this is a hat!" Ickis argued. He thought the boater hat was rather stylish, and he'd gone to alot of trouble punching holes in it for his ears.
"At least it's not the Elphaba costume." she conceded.
"You can't go romancing in that." he admitted. "Although, we can test that theory out tonight, if you wanna."
Before she could argue any further, they were approached by 2 former classmates. "All these memories are precious." Snav exclaimed, as he flashed a picture of the happy couple. "I hope -our- wedding will be as frightful." Snav envisioned.
"It will be, Snavvy." Blib assured him.
"Talk to Plastoog, he'll arrange everything for you." Ickis suggested.
Snav sighed. "If only Krumm were here to share in this moment." acknowledged Snav as they headed for their seats.
"I bet he shows up soon." Ickis tried to sound confident, but Oblina noted the waver in his voice.
"Mumsy and Dad never responded, so I asked Krummy to help." Oblina whispered. "I don't want to exchange vows before they get here, but some of the guests are getting restless. If we don't do something soon, they could very well walk out on us. Even Plastoog won't wait beyond 6 o'clock to start the ceremony."
Ickis reflected on this for a moment, before he got a great idea. "I know! I know! Dad, tell them one of your long, boring stories!" Ickis urged.
Slickis' ears fell. "My stories are boring?" he questioned.
Oblina nudged Ickis. "Way to be encouraging." she hissed.
"Dad knows that I just... I'm nervous." Ickis admitted. "I -like- your stories Dad, I actually sit still for them! No chains necessary!"
Slickis happily addressed the crowd. "Alright then, sure. Once back at the Academy, the Gromble was really on the warpath. It seemed some monster had cut holes in his belt loop so his belly was hanging out everywhere. Now, I'm not saying the Gromble is fat, or that there's anything wrong with THAT. I'm a big fan of pie, m'self, it's just that if you can't loom it, you can't lose it. Anyway... all suspicion fell on Yaggoroth, because Yaggy was the sort of monster who would do almost anything to prove himself brave. It's not that he -wasn't- brave, only that he wasn't smart. I hope we're all clear on that, it isn't nice to speak ill of the dead, no matter how fluff-headed they were, it doesn't mean they weren't also upstanding individuals and a credit to their scaring class! So there we all were, watching the Gromble lecture us, making a valiant effort not to laugh..." Slickis began.
Krumm had been let into the mansion easily enough, since Lugo recognized him. Getting past Sublima and Skeech's suspicious nature was another story.
"I'm here, representing my Dad's mold farm." Krumm lied. "We think it's worth your investment, so I would like to take you down to our corporate office where we'll discuss business."
"Why does a mold farmer have a corporate office?" questioned Sublima.
"To hold business meetings in?" Krumm offered lamely.
"Sounds exciting. I love company tours." Skeech claimed.
"I don't feel like walking all that way. Get the rickshaw ready, Lugo. I wonder if this dirt-digger can handle walking and pulling us at the same time?" Sublima sneered.
"You'd be surprised at the things I -could- do to you." Krumm mumbled.
"Did you say something?" screeched Sublima.
"I'm doing this a favor for my fri- my Dad's farm." Krumm corrected himself. "I'll do whatever it takes to get you there."
"Your chariot awaits, Miz Sublima." Lugo announced. The wealthy monsters climbed aboard, Sublima scowling all the while.
"Um, my fri- my Dad's farm would appreciate if Lugo rode with you guys. There's room for another monster." Krumm pointed out.
"Highly unusual business practice." Sublima noted. "I bet you don't have much of a clientele."
"I don't think alot of them, no." acknowledged Krumm. He popped his eyes into his mouth and began hauling them away.
"...and that's how we all learned Mimbo was behind the prank! So, any questions?" Slickis summed it all up.
"I have one. Why haven't you forgotten about that day? It's been over a century and a half!" the Gromble roared.
Slickis shrugged. "Ickis likes stories. It's one of the more consistent ways to get him to sleep, right son?" Slickis turned to address the young groom.
Ickis was slouched over on the ground, mumbling in his sleep. "I like to wail and loom..." he professed.
Oblina tapped him on the shoulder. "Ickis darling, if you are finished imitating a small bonsty, there is still the -little- matter of keeping our guests ENTERTAINED!" she yelled in his ear.
"Yeow, that hurt!" Ickis exclaimed upon waking. He shook his head back-and-forth. "I was havin' a nice dream, Oblina. You weren't mad at me." he claimed.
"Hmm, that does make it sound fictional, doesn't it?" noted Oblina. "Now that your father has thoroughly destroyed the Gromble's remaining dignity, we need another diversion. I assume you've brought that harmonica with you and wouldn't mind performing."
"Oh yesss!" Ickis tippped his boater hat, and took out the hidden harmonica. "Who's got a request?" he asked excitedly.
"Play 'School's Out' by Alice Cooper!" urged the Gromble. Everyone stared at him. "What? I confiscated that cassette tape, I was within my rights to listen to it." he insisted.
"Alright, you're a headbanger, sir and I can respect that." Ickis cleared his throat and began to wail. "Well we got no choice, all the girls an' boys, makin' all that noise, cause they found new toys..."
"Where ARE we going?" Sublima grumbled. "We've traveling southward, I thought all the best mold farms were in Fieldston."
"I've heard that many offices are located a great distance from the ownerships that represent them." Lugo theorized.
"When I want your opinion, Lugo, I will give it to you." Sublima snapped.
Krumm was very glad he was holding his eyes in his mouth, becuase otherwise he might have been tempted to speak to Sublima, and he didn't trust himself to be courteous to her.
"Just look at the great view! There's Gramercy Park, we haven't gone on a scare there in ages!" exclaimed Skeech.
"I was younger then. I don't engage in such foolishness anymore." Sublima declared.
"More's the pity." Lugo whispered. He caught sight of Sublima scowling at him and quickly amended his statement. "More of the ciry. It's good seeing more of the city." he repeated.
Krumm could feel a blister developing on his foot. Oblina may have thought she'd do better by appealing to the sentimental nature of her parents, but Krumm wished she'd just picked someplace closer. Or at the very least, that she had relatives who were willing to take to the sewers, like ordinary monsters.
"Oh, once upon a midnight dreary, I woke with something in my head,
Couldn't escape the memory of a phone call and what you said
Like a game-show contestant with a parting gift I could not believe my eyes
When I saw through the voice of a trusted friend
Who needs to humor me and tell me lies, yeah humor me and tell me lies..." Ickis sang proudly.
Plastoog gave an involuntary shudder. "I can't stand game-show hosts." he admitted. "Still, gotta admire that catchy harmonica hook."
"It's what elevated them from one-hit wonder to a band with an actual fan following." Slickis commented.
"Were you ALL encouraging this behavior behind-my-back?" hissed the Gromble.
"It seemed safer than letting him scare professionally. You saw what happened at the toy store." Slickis explained.
"Which one? There were frequent failures in THAT department." the Gromble noted.
"See? This is what Ickis enjoys, and the audience picks up to that, which only makes them appreciate the concert all the more." whispered Slickis.
"But I want more than a touch, I want you to reach me
And show me all the things no one else can see
So what you feel becomes mine as well
And soon if we're lucky we'd been unable to tell
What's yours and mine, the fishing's fine,
And it doesn't have to rhyme so don't you feed me a line!
For youuu! Why you wanna give me a run-around?
Is it a sure-fire way to speed things up, when all it does is slooow me down!" Ickis chorused, before launching the harmonica solo.
Dizzle swooned. "I love big, scary musicians!" she chirped.
Oblina glared daggers at her. "You had your chance, little miss hebopply!" she snapped.
Even Sublima was finding herself unexpectedly drawn to the wonders of New York City. "There's the Merchant's House Museum! I took Oblina there once, so she could see first-hand how we lived in the 1800's and she thanked me afterwards. I didn't even have to prompt her first!" Sublima recalled.
"Miz Oblina has always enjoyed her private outings with you." Lugo professed.
"But we had so few of those!" Sublima remarked.
"Perhaps that's why she never forget about them." Skeech suggested.
Sublima fell silent a moment then, to Krumm's eternal gratitude. They could say sorry all they wanted afterwards, he was going to kick back, put his feet up, and drink sludge smoothies until he felt he would burst.
"At least I bought her that Anthraxichord. I do wonder why she never kept up with -those- lessons. She could have really made a name for herself!" Sublima insisted.
Lugo believed Miz Oblina would have only been recognized as the worst musician in the monster world. He had been happy to help her smash that hated instrument, his only regret was that it taken her so many decades to work up the nerve to destroy it. Miz Oblina had always appreciated the fine arts, but her skills did not lie in those pursuits. Ickis had managed to teach her a few human melodies, but Lugo didn't think she would -ever- be able to provide musical accompaniment to any songs. "I believe Miz Oblina found other interests that took up all her time." Lugo admitted.
"At that wretched Academy, no doubt! It seems all the Gromble is good for nowadays is teaching students how to lock lips! I -should- have been suspicious of him the first time I saw those shoes! No self-respecting monster would dress like THAT unless they had some sort of agenda." growled Sublima.
"Maybe he finds them comfortable?" Skeech stated tentatively.
If that was the case, Krumm was going to buy a pair of his own, after all this was over.
"Elegance in eloquence, for sale or rent or hire
Should I say yes, I match his best
Then I would be a liar!
Symphonies that soothe the rage
When lovers hearts catch fire
Like a bird in flight, on a hot sweet night
He knows you're right, just to pull her tight!
Soothes it right, makes it outta sight,
And ev'rything's good in the world tonight
When Smokey sings, I hear violins
When Smokey sings, I forget ev'rything, yeah..." Ickis intoned soulfully.
Horrifica's jaw dropped. "Why did we decide he was gweebie?" she whispered.
"I never decided that, you decided that!" Hairyette argued.
"Well you agreed with it!" Horrifica shot back.
"I actually went on a date with Ickis once!" Dizzle pointed out. "He followed ALL my orders, and loomed several times, but he never did anything like that!"
"Didn't he almost start a concert at school once? That -was- hebopply!" Hairyette recalled.
Oblina's fist clenched. If Ickis was going to continue with this plan, then his next song had better not be so romantic.
They headed east on Houston Street. Krumm liked this neighborhood, there was a downhill slope that made things easier on him.
"Back up, so we can go to the Nuyorican Poet's Cafe." Sublima declared. "Oblina once told me she fond of that dreadful hovel, for some reason."
Lugo smiled. Miz Oblina had gushed about how exquisite a scare spot it had been, that not only could monsters listen to human poetry and music while studying the Monster Manual, they could terrify the audience when they let their guards down after each long-anticipated 'Friday Night Nuyorican Poetry Slam' concluded. As he remembered it, Ickis had explained to Miz Oblina that the loomers had always lived and scared in America, but the pouncers had traveled north from the islands of Puerto Rico and Cuba, crossing vast distances of water in search of new humans to terrify. "Perhaps we'll pay a visit there after our our business endeavors are completed." Lugo allowed.
"I've heard it's a cultural experience. Should be very enriching." contributed Skeech.
"Bah. Toenails are the only true source of riches." Sublima opined. "Still, there might be -some- merit to it."
"I've always felt that Miz Oblina had excellent values." Lugo put forth.
"Before she was corrupted by outside forces, I would have agreed with you." Sublima stated testily. "Nowadays there's no telling what chicanery she's got herself mixed up in."
"Just put me in a wheelchair, get me to the show!
Hurry hurry hurry, before I go loco
I can't control my fingers, I can't control my toes
Oh no oh oh oh oh~
Ba-ba-bamp-ba, ba-ba-ba-bamp-ba, I wanna be sedated
Ba-ba-bamp-ba, ba-ba-ba-bamp-ba, I wanna be sedated
Ba-ba-bamp-ba, ba-ba-ba-bamp-ba, I wanna be sedated
Ba-ba-bamp-ba, ba-ba-ba-bamp-ba, I wanna be sedated." Ickis finished breathlessly.
Everyone clapped. "Now do 'Hot For Teacher' from Van Halen!" the Gromble instructed.
Ickis sputtered and nearly fell over. "No way! Sir, I am -parched-. I gotta take a break, have a drink of somethin' or my throat'll be so dry I won't even be able to tell Oblina 'I do'. We'll have to conduct the vows in Monster Sign Language." Ickis rasped.
"There's only one gesture you need to know." the Gromble informed him.
"It better not be the one you gave us." his sister Frawli hissed. "Makes me glad I kept that anti-Gromble cartoon."
"Emperor Have-To-Hate-You? That was a GOOD effort, considering he was a little off his game that day. Frawli, you should have seen the 'Thought Police' propaganda! As much as I hate to credit Master Ickis for it, that was an effective campaign. Idiotic message but it got his point across rather well." the Gromble recalled.
"I like the ones where I'm the Wonderful Wizard." Slickis confessed. "Sure he's a villain with good publicity, but all of Oz adores him! It makes you feel sorry for the poor guy, that he would develop an antagonistic relationship with his own child."
"Elphaba used to admire him. She considered him a broken pedestal because he tricked her into grafting wings on Chistery, an' didn't show any remorse. I think they coulda patched things up eventually, if only she hadn't melted first. He -was- a sentimental man." Ickis explained hoarsely.
"Have a glass of phlegmonade son, you've done alot. I can keep the crowd busy for awhile." Slickis offered.
"Do something athletic this time! Disappear on us, loom, smack a tomato around, I don't care! We're NOT listening to another story from the 'Academy Days'." the Gromble declared.
"I can spin 10 plates at once, and then eat them. That's a rather good trick, works a snack in there, too." Slickis noted.
"And -I- can tell stories about Gromby BEFORE he became a teacher. Big brother used to get in sooo much trouble while out scaring." Frawli hinted, with an obnoxious grin.
Ickis looked very excited. "I'll be back for those." he vowed. "Just gotta tell Oblina I'm heading topside briefly, so she doesn't worry."
They were at the Hamilton Fish Park Pool now. Krumm knew he only had to turn south on Pitt Street and continue that way for just over 3 blocks, then they would reach the bridge and meet up with the wedding party. Pretty soon they might even be able to hear the crowd, and he would have to do some serious explaining to Sublima in particular. Krumm wasn't looking forward to that conversation. Oblina hadn't even written him a speech to help out, trusting that he would know what to do when the time came. Maybe that was her way of punishing him for dating Horrifica 24 years ago. Oblina was the more hideous monster but she also could be a trifle overbearing (Krumm knew where she'd picked up THAT trait) and she needed a few reminders that the library wasn't always the most fun place to visit. Plus, Oblina held grudges and while she WOULD call you out on your mishaps, mentioning 'human suit' or 'Antarctica' or 'becoming a rebel' was a sure-fire way to tick her off. Ickis hated Antartica too, 'with the white-hot intensity of a 1000 suns' as he put it, and the human suit still gave him nightmares periodically, but he WOULD laugh along with Krumm at Oblina's rebellious phrase if they had a few moments to do so where they wouldn't get caught.
Krumm wondered if Ickis could hear their approach already. They'd never seriously tested Ickis' range, but he -did- have the best hearing in the Academy, which he mostly used to sneak around without the Gromble's notice. Ickis had once confessed to Krumm that he found it a double-edged sword at best, since he'd overheard far more than he'd ever wanted to do about what the students, and the Gromble, all thought about him (the phrases "gweebie", "stupid", "loser", "can't believe he's Slickis' son", "would sooner date a mole rat over Ickis", and "bet he flunks out", were among the most popular.) Krumm was not without his sympathies, he'd been in danger of failing a few tests himself, but he still felt that Ickis should be the one to deal with Sublima if she was going to be Ickis' mother-in-law.
"Are you sure you're not lost? We've been traveling forever and we still haven't seen this mythical office building. I wonder if you made it up!" Sublima's complaints were edging dangerously close to the truth.
"It might be advisable to take a short rest." Lugo recommended.
Krumm beamed. Lugo was an incredibly wise monster. It made him glad to think that Lugo would inherit a fortune once Sublima and Skeech passed away. It must take a great deal of restraint on his part not to try and hasten the process along.
Skreech looked around delightedly. "I remember this neighborhood so well! We're quite close to the bridge, with the synagogue on the other side! We approached it from a different angle when we young, that's all! Back then we went north along the shores of the East River, I think they call it FDR Drive now, the traffic is so much heavier." Skeech realized.
Yes, Krumm was tired of traffic too. They didn't pay much attention to him, because New Yorkers were always in a hurry when they traveled, the rickshaw's curtains were only open far enough for the monsters to do a little sight-seeing, and Krumm was wearing a very-tight version of Lugo's chauffeur uniform, although it was better now that the buttons had all popped off.
"Are we that close to our old scaring grounds?" Sublima checked her surroundings. "We are! Hard to believe it's a coincidence, don't you think?" she mused.
"Stranger things have happened, Miz Sublima." opined Lugo.
Ickis guzzled his phlegmonade. That had to be the most refreshing drink known to monsters! His ears pricked up, at the sound of Sublima's shrill whinings. Krumm had done well to get them so far, he s'posed it was only fair that he walk over and meet them the rest of the way. He tried to ignore how incredibly afraid he was of Oblina's mother. When he was a bonsty, he'd always believed that mothers were infallible, the ultimate paragon of parenting. He used to pretend that Shnookie the Sponge could raise him all by herself, without any totally unfair 'House Rules' regarding bedtime (although they DID let Slickis room with them, he was simply divested of all authority during those fantasy segments). All the times Ickis spied on human mothers only furthered his belief. Meeting Oblina's mother had shattered that illusion permanently, after that horrible weekend, he'd stopped to place a dead fish on Squelia's grave and apologize profusely for anything he ever might have done that tarnished her memory. Sublima was a deeply flawed monster, but Oblina obviously still cared a great deal about her Mumsy's happiness. Sublima didn't ever have to like him, but if she would just talk to Oblina again, he'd consider it a triumphant victory.
"I think you PLANNED this outing. That hayseed would -never- think of such a scheme on his own, so you must have helped him Lugo!" Sublima hollered.
Skeech was bewildered. "You were trying to trick us, old friend? Why would you do that?" Skeech asked sadly.
"Forgive me, Mister Skeech, but I never considered it a trick. I was acting on behalf of your daughter..." began Lugo.
"I HAVE NO DAUGHTER!" Sublima bellowed.
Ickis frowned as he strode up towards them. "That's really harsh, ma'am. If somebody said that about -my- family, I'd be very hurt." Ickis professed.
"You -have- no family! Even an imbecile could figure that one out, except for Slickis they've been dead for over a century, how much time do YOU need to process that?" she snarled.
Ickis sniffled. "I could really use a moment, now." he admitted.
Skeech was horrified. "Please tell him you're sorry, dear." Skeech begged his wife. Sublima continued to glower at Ickis angrily.
Krumm decided he'd heard enough. He set down the rickshaw and picked up his eyeballs. "Hey, Sublima. I've been listening to you talk all day, and most of what I heard was obnoxious. I managed to keep my temper through all of it because I knew this day was important to Ickis and Oblina. Getting you to their wedding was the biggest favor they've ever asked of me. I never dreamed I would regret making a promise to them but you go too far!" Krumm angrily informed her.
Ickis' eyes went wide. "Krumm!" he hollered.
"Not now, Ickis. I'm defending you." Krumm pointed out.
"But you didn't put the brake on!" Ickis yelped.
Krumm looked behind him, and saw that the rickshaw was rolling away, with Oblina's parents and butler still inside. "That explains why it felt lighter all of a sudden. Whoops." he acknowledged.
Ickis sprinted after them, leaped, and dug his heels into the ground as he tried to pull the rickshaw back. Blood could be heard dripping into his eyes in preparation for a loom. "S'okay. I got it." Ickis insisted as he finally managed to stop the wayward transport vehicle.
Sublima gazed around in wonderment. "We're not dead like Moochy's relatives." she recognized.
"Please stop describing them that way." Ickis persisted.
"Sorry." Skeech apologized. "That was a very impressive rescue. You caught us before we went into the fish pond."
"I woulda jumped in after you. I'm a -very- good swimmer, ask anyone." Ickis detailed.
"A most useful skill. It's always suprised me how few monsters practice it." Lugo recalled.
"Try telling it to Oblina. She is -so- stubborn about that." Ickis paused. "Not that she isn't entitled to her opinions! Heh heh. I have nothing but respect for her values. That's why we invited y'all to the wedding, her idea completely. I'm... sort of intimidated by Miz Sublima."
"I always strive for intimidation. That's how monsters get what they want." Sublima noted.
"Thanks for helping us, anyway. Are you alright? It looks like you've cracked one of those lenses." Skeech pointed out.
Ickis huffed wearily. "Oblina's gonna scold me about that tonight. So much for going a month without an 'I told you so' lecture." he muttered.
"We could pay to have that fixed for you." offered Skeech.
"As a wedding present. There are NO more freebies, Moochy." Sublima clarified. "Just be glad I'm letting you marry my precious Oblina."
"It's all I ever wanted." Ickis professed. "C'mon, I'll take you to her. Oblina's really missed you."
"She has?" marveled Sublima. "That's the nicest thing I've heard in years, Moo- Ickis was it? Bit of a lower-class name, so cliche for male monsters to use the 'is' suffix, but I s'pose I've heard worse names."
"Most of them are probly recorded in my yearbook." Ickis acknowledged. "If you're still interested in making fun of me, I can show them to you."
"I don't think I need your help in THAT regard. You've been a bungler for so long, I daresay I would never run out of insults. Thank you for the offer though, Ickis." Sublima responded.
Ickis sighed. "Am I gonna have to save the lives of -everyone- who hates me?" he wondered. "Cause that would take awhile, an' I really don't care THAT much about Zimbo's opinions."
~~~The End.
Author's Note: I think weddings are amazing, but there's no denying they can be a stressful affair, particularly if the family or friends aren't entirely pleased with the impending nuptials. Forceful and domineering as Sublima is I think she always loved Oblina in her own way. She just wants what she considers to be the best for her daughter, problems arise when Sublima's idea of 'the best' clashes with Oblina's ideals. It doesn't come up -too- often but when it does, their shouting matches can be epic. Skeech always tries to be neutral, but more often than not is considered meek for not wanting to take sides. Slickis, on the other claw, is not going to put pressure on anyone, but he's very happy with this union, and the potential for a grandbonsty that it offers. Disappearing and offering them free rein of the house is probly as strong a hint as he'd ever throw out there in that regard. A small theory on monster genetics was presented here. I believe all monsters can interbreed regardless of their scare-based classification (species), but some unions are less desirable than others. Camoflauge monsters have highly unstable genes, and when mated with a non-camoflauge monster flaws quickly develop. The most common defect shows as an involuntary color change, passed on through recessive generations, beginning with the first non-camoflauge offspring. Thus, Malvara (Ickis' paternal grandmother, a shrieker monster known for vocal scares) had a camoflauge monster for a great-grandfather. His son, great-granddaughter, and great-great-great-grandson (Ickis) actively demonstrate that flaw. Middle generations (grandson and great-great-grandson Slickis) are carriers but don't display the flaw themselves. So any bonsty of Ickis and Oblina is spared from obvious humiliation, though their offspring may find themselves resenting the trait now and again. Reviews are appreciated.