Kurt had often wondered why Blaine was reluctant to move below the equator when things got physical in their relationship. He started to worry when Blaine freaked out in the locker room at school as they were getting changed. And he became terrified when Blaine became unresponsive and highly-strung that he could barely get two words out before he started to yell, or cry. Yet, Kurt never expected the truth to be so painful. He never expected it to strike him so hard that he felt it like a physical blow, a hundred times worse than a slushie to the face. Truth is, Blaine cut himself. All of this started before they had even met, but that didn't mean it pained Kurt any less when he thought of what had made his boyfriend hurt enough to do that to himself.
Thinking back, the day Blaine told him about his scars was one that Kurt will never forget for the rest of his life. He was sitting on Blaine's bed while he got changed in his well-arranged walk-in closet. Kurt grew tired of sitting around, so he paced the now-familiar room, looking at pictures of the two of them together on their various dates. Smiling fondly at a picture of them at the open day Dalton held at the end of the last school year, Kurt noticed that the backing was jutting out slightly. He flipped the frame over and saw that there was something preventing it from closing properly, unhinging the clip he barely noticed the small piece of metal fall to the floor. Replacing the now fixed photo frame, Kurt turned when he saw the reflection of the light from below, sitting delicately on the floor a razor sharp blade sat innocently on the rug. He bent down to pick it up, getting a good look at the blade.
"Oh God," he stammered out, seeing the tiny flecks of blood that were spattered on the flat of the sliver of metal. "Blaine!" He shouted out, the tears in his eyes stinging as he ran to the door, knocking until Blaine opened the door.
"Kurt?" He said uncertainly, his eyes locked onto the blade. "Kurt! Oh god, what's that in your hand?" He said, trying to get a better look at the object.
"Wh-What is this Blaine?" Kurt said holding up the razor. "Blaine, tell me you don't- that you would never-" the tightness of his chest prevented him from forming the words he needed to get out.
"Oh, Kurt!" Blaine hung his head as he saw what Kurt was holding, "Kurt, I swear, I never thought you would find out. I didn't want you to hurt the way I do. I wanted you to stay away from all of this, all of this hurt." He stammered out, not looking Kurt in the eyes.
"Please, just tell me how long?" Kurt cried softly.
"Since before I moved to Dalton." Blaine whispered. "Since those guys put me through hell. That's when it all started."
"Blaine, just, why?"
"Sit down, this is a long story. I didn't want to tell it, but I suppose now now I have to, I want to tell it right." Blaine indicated towards the bed, it's burgundy sheets as dark as the dried blood that flecked the small blade still clutched in Kurt's hand. They moved to the bed, where Kurt sat on the very edge, his back rigid and his face composed and calm.
"Ok. Where to start? Right. Dalton." Blaine shuffled about, not sitting down because of nerves, because of the boy sitting in front of him deserved to be told, and because of Blaine stopped moving he knew he would cry. "So you know that I left my old school because of those bullies who got out of control?" Kurt nodded quickly, looking at the floor, afraid of what he will see in Blaine's eyes. "Well, it was a lot worse than what I made it out to be. A lot worse than I ever let anyone know."
"But why Blaine? We could have been helping you! We could have stopped this!" Kurt quickly stammered out, going silent when he saw the sad look on his boyfriend's face.
"Because it was my burden to carry. It was my pain, my mind torturing me more than those guys ever could have. The bullying wasn't just physical, although that was the majority of it, the emotional was a lot worse. I got letters; hundreds of them, telling me I wasn't good enough, telling me that death would be better for me, that no one would ever miss me. To start off with I was able to ignore them, push them to the back of my mind, never think about who sent them or why. Then one day it went beyond letters. I phone calls, all saying the perverted same thing. My death would make everyone else happier, my life is worthless, I can't sing, gays belong with the devil, nothing that I hadn't heard before. Although this time I could feel it slowly getting to me, the pressure inside was building up. I could feel it, like a physical force welling up inside me, until one day I snapped. I didn't want it to feel good, but it did, to let all that tension seep out through the literal cracks. I don't know Kurt, it was the only way I could make the pain go away!" Blaine cried out, the look on Kurt's face a mixture of sadness and fear.
"But Blaine, you've always been so strong, so good to everyone. How could this have been going on for so long with no one finding out?" Kurt asked him, his voice cracking on the last word.
"People came close, trust me, they did. I was always able to pass it off as a graze or a stain from lunch. It was too easy to hide it all, to put on this mask where nothing was wrong when in reality everything was upside down and I was stuck in a pit of darkness, looking for my light. Looking for someone to guide me out of this labyrinth. Kurt, You became that light, you showed me the way out." Blaine looked right into his eyes, and Kurt could tell that he was telling the truth.
"Then why do you keep the blade Blaine? Do you still cut?" Kurt said.
"I can't say that I've stopped Kurt, because I don't want to lie anymore. It doesn't happen as often anymore, but some days I just can't control myself, I have to let it out." Blaine cried softly now, tears slowly sliding down his face. "Do you want to know why I put it behind that picture?" Kurt didn't respond.
"Because every time I see it, I am reminded of how amazing you are and what you have done for me. This picture is from a time when I was the happiest I have been in years, and it's because of you, Kurt."
Kurt got up from the bed, dropping the razor on the side table and fell into Blaine's arms, hugging him tightly, his face wet with salty tears. "Blaine…" He whimpered.
"Then the time came for me to end it all. I had decided to let them win, Kurt. I was ready to die, but then someone came into my life making me re-think my plan. I kept telling myself that today was the day. Then it changed from thinking this minute, to this day, which went onto this week, and now I don't ever want to even think about leaving you. I don't want to say goodbye, and I don't want to see you walk away from me, ever." Blaine patted Kurt on the back as he spoke, the wracking sobs coming from both of them filled the silence for longer than both of them remembered.
Things had changed for Kurt now though, after that day he and Blaine became closer then they ever thought imaginable. The shock on Kurt's face when he first saw the scars was evident and Blaine quickly tried to cover up the ragged lines that criss-crossed across his inner thighs. Although Kurt was able to make out a distinct word before Blaine hid the scars, the word NO was forever carved into the tender flesh of his leg, a constant reminder of the pain that Blaine went through, an everlasting answer to the internal argument. NO, I won't do it. NO, today will not be the day.
Blaine can still remember the day he stopped cutting. Of course, it was all because of Kurt. After getting a strange message from his boyfriend, Blaine immediately made his way to the Hummel house. Quickly saying hello to Burt and Carroll, Blaine made his way into the basement bedroom where a rainbow seemed to have exploded. The colours that splashed around the room almost gave Blaine a headache when he saw Kurt standing off to the side, re-arranging some of the pictures on his wall.
"Hey, I got your text, what's up?" he said as Kurt jumped.
"Oh god Blaine, never do that to me again. Have you not heard of knocking?" Kurt quipped, the effect lost as he was grinning from ear to ear. "Sit." He pointed at the small deep green love seat that was resting against the end of his large bed. Obliging, Blaine sat in the chair, his eyes never leaving Kurt's.
"I've been thinking a lot about… That, and I think I have the perfect song for you. It says everything I want to and more." Kurt said as he pressed play on the large stereo that sat on the table next to where he stood. An unknown guitarist played a simple tune, singing backing vocals over the top, and then before he knew it Kurt had started singing and he was right, this was perfect. Kurt was the thing he needed to make him happy.
"So go on, and I will refrain
And I will keep on running
This never-ending race
And maybe, next time will be the right time
And maybe next time will be your time
So save your scissors for someone else's skin
My surface is so tough I don't think the blade will dig in
Save your strength
Save your wasted time
There's no way that I want you to be left behind
Go on and save your scissors
Save your scissors."
Kurt continued to sing, but Blaine wasn't even listening anymore. He was just watching the boy in front of him pour everything the music. The song was amazing and Kurt moved slowly towards Blaine as he sang, finishing the song as he reached him, his hand extended towards the boy in front of him. Their hands finding each other as he sang the final line.
"So save your scissors…"
The song faded into nothing as Kurt leaned down to kiss Blaine, their lips touching softly at first, then with more ferocity as the layers of clothing started to disappear.
"Thank you, Kurt." Blaine said, breaking the kiss off to look him in the eyes.
"You're welcome, now shut up and kiss me." Kurt replied, launching another assault on the smaller boy's mouth. The two boys were now down to nothing but their underwear, Blaine remained sitting while Kurt straddled him, his legs trapping Blaine on the loveseat.
Burt called out saying something about going to the shops, which both Kurt and Blaine acknowledged with an incoherent shout towards the stairs. Blaine's hands were now firmly planted on Kurt's ass, his mouth working its way down the latter's neck and onto his firm chest. Kurt suggested something about moving to the bed when they heard the tires crunch on the gravel driveway, Finn's voice called out to them, getting closer as he made his way down the stairs towards Kurt's room.
"Guys? Are you home?" He poked his head in the door seeing them laying under the covers, blanket laying across their chest hiding most of their exposed skin. "Oh wow, were you two-? Wait never mind. I don't even want to know." Finns stammered awkwardly.
"What? Gosh no! We are just lying in bed listening to music and talking." Kurt said, a cheeky smile playing on his lips.
"Without shirts on?" Finn asked confused, looking anywhere but at the bed. "And why are Blaine's pants on the floor?" He said, looking at the roof now. The roof was good, nothing there but paint.
"Oh crap. Don't tell Dad okay? He still thinks we struggle to hold hands." Kurt said, wide eyed.
"Trust me, I'll never speak of this again." Finn muttered as Blaine chuckled.
"Do you mind? I would like to put my pants back on." Blaine said, raising his eyebrows, waiting for Finn to turn around before getting up and sliding into his chinos. "Ok, we're good now." He said to Finn as he pulled his shirt over his head.
"What are you even doing home?" Kurt asked Finn, "I thought you were spending the afternoon at Rachel's making wedding plans?"
"Yeah, she kind of went crazy after I told her that I don't want some tacky Barbra Streisand song playing when she walked down the isle." Finn smirked, Kurt laughed at the thought of Finn insulting Barbra.
The three of them ended up watching the football match on TV and ordering a pizza after they got a call from Carroll saying that she and Burt were going to stay out for some dinner.
"So, are you excited to graduate Kurt?" Finn questioned, cheese dripping from his bottom lip.
"Yes and no." Kurt responded, "Yes because I can't wait to get into NYADA and work on Broadway. No because I know it will be hard to leave everything I have here." He said looking at Blaine, whose eyes had started to go misty.
"Yeah, I feel the same. I mean, it will be great to be out of Lima, but I can't help feeling like saying goodbye will be hard, y'know?"
"Yeah…" Kurt sighed. The rest of the night passed quickly and before Kurt wanted to, he was saying goodnight to Blaine. Shutting the door he turned to see Finn standing there behind him, an anxious look on his face.
"Look, Kurt. I know you didn't want to do this, but I think you have to break up with Blaine. You can't take him with you and if you wait much longer then it's just going to hurt both of you even more."
"I'm not breaking up with him Finn. We have discussed this and Blaine and I believe that we can manage to stay together while I'm away. It's not like we won't see each other ever again." Kurt said, sounding almost rehearsed. Finn said nothing more, just gave Kurt a meaningful look and turned to walk down the hall.
"Just think about it Kurt." Finn muttered.
The break-up was messy. Kurt decided to do it the night he graduated, a day of goodbyes. He drove to Blaine's house and the two sat down at the table, holding hands across the cold wooden surface.
"Look, Blaine. I, I don't know how to do this. You know that trying to make this work long distance is going to be hard, especially since I'm going to be spending all my time studying and working at NYADA. I just, I don't want you to wait around for me. I don't want you to sit around like a lost puppy, waiting for me to come back to you." Kurt said, avoiding Blaine's gaze.
"I suppose what I'm saying is that I want… No, not want, because I don't want to do this. We need to break up, Blaine."
"B-break up?" Blaine stammered, tears burning in his eyes.
"I know. I don't want to either, but we have to. I'm not saying this is permanent. But if you find someone while I'm gone, I want you to go for it, I don't want you to hold back because of me." Kurt said evenly.
"Is it because I used to cut? Oh god, it is, isn't it? I knew I shouldn't have told you." Blaine said rapidly.
"What? No! Of course not!" Kurt said, sounding shocked.
"THEN TELL ME!" Blaine shouted, his voice breaking on the last word. "Please, Kurt, tell me why." He said so softly Kurt had to strain to hear what he said.
"I told you Blaine! I don't want you waiting for me-"
"DON'T LIE KURT! You know why. Tell me, please," He pleaded.
"Oh Blaine, come here." Kurt said, opening his arm to embrace the Blaine, tears streaming down his face. "I never wanted to do this. I love you, you know that?"
"I love you too, Kurt. But you still haven't really said why. I mean I understand that you don't want me to wait for you, but I will. I will always wait for you, Kurt." Blaine cried.
"No, Blaine. That isn't what I want. I just want you to be happy, even if it means I'm not the one making you feel that way." Kurt said, now crying softly as well.
"Remember that day, the day you found out I cut? And I told you that it feels like being stuck in a labyrinth? Everything was dark, and I thought I would never find a way out. Remember that? Do you Kurt?"
"Of course, how could I forget?" Kurt said, confused.
"If you leave me, everything will go back to that. I know it will. You're the only thing keeping my world alight. Everything seems so dim without you. Please don't leave me. Please Kurt, don't ever leave me." Blaine said, starting to stumble over his words with panic and tears.
"No, Blaine. This has to happen. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Kurt said. He got up and quickly walked through the house and outside, where his car waited. He sat in the car and cried, waiting for Blaine to come and stop him. When he didn't, Kurt turned the car on and drove quickly down the highway, speeding as he numbly navigated to the only person who could help right now. He needed his best friend right now. Kurt needed Rachel.
Blaine lay on the floor of the dining room where he fell as he got out of his chair to go after Kurt. He didn't try and move from where he fell, but he kept shouting Kurt's name at the top of his lungs. Pleading him to come back, to help him, he shouted until his throat burned and he tasted blood. Crawling to the shower, Blaine cried as he clawed through the draws finding the only thing he could think of to remove his pain.
The pain almost became too much and he sat on the floor staring at the shining blade he just removed from his shaving kit. With deft motions, Blaine removed his pants and sat on the ground in his underwear, scars revealed to the world. He pressed the sharp metal to his leg, just on the inside of his thigh, and slid downward in quick succession, one after another. Blood came immediately and he sighed as it flowed over his skin and onto the floor. He kept cutting and cutting until his legs, arms and torso were crosshatched with more cuts than he even thought possible, which was when he hit one of the main arteries running down his leg. The amount of blood that surged from Blaine's small body was enormous, he lay there relishing in the feeling of light-headedness and grief, waiting for it all to end.
An hour or so later Kurt got a call from Blaine's parents saying that he had been taken to hospital. He lost a lot of blood and passed out in the bathroom, the doctors don't know if he will make it yet or not. Kurt ran to the bathroom and threw up, feeling guilty for what had happened to Blaine, for what he had done to the one he loved.
The next six months were a blur for Kurt, moving to New York with Rachel and starting at NYADA, which was everything he dreamed of and more. It was there that Kurt met Jordan, an attractive guy he had two classes with. They flirted, but Kurt always felt bad about it, holding something back, thinking of Blaine. Rachel was no help; she spent all her spare time encouraging Kurt to get back out there, experience all New York has to offer. Finally, Kurt decided that he would go on one date with Jordan and if things worked out well, he might keep seeing him. And things did go well.
Kurt finally decided to tell Blaine about Jordan, it seemed the only decent thing to do. Something told Kurt he wouldn't be able to go any further with Jordan until Blaine knew. He was obviously hurt by everything Kurt said, but Blaine hid it well, telling him that he was fine with Kurt seeing Jordan. Just as Kurt was about to ask Blaine how school was going, the line went dead, although Kurt could have sworn he heard from the other end. Kurt sat there in silence thinking about Blaine and how everything had changed this year.
Weeks passed and Kurt heard nothing from Blaine, or anyone else from Lima really. He and Jordan became closer, yet there was still an invisible barrier between them, stopping anything from actually happening. Until one day, Kurt opened the door to his apartment to see Blaine standing there looking miserable, tears sliding soflty down his face.
"Kurt…" He whispered, longing evident in his voice.
"Blaine? What are you doing here? How did you even get in my apartment?" Kurt asked, incredulous.
"Rachel let me in, she said you wouldn't mind." He said sheepishly.
"Of course she did," Kurt sighed, regretting giving Rachel the spare key. "Why would I mind? To what do I owe the pleasure of your company?" He said slightly awkwardly.
"Kurt I don't want you seeing Jordan and I can't stop thinking about you and I want you back." He said very quickly, making it hard for Kurt to properly keep up.
"Okay…"
"Remember that time when I was hurting and you sang me that song and everything was OK and you didn't know what to say but then everything you felt was in the song? Well, now it's my turn." Blaine kept talking in his fast paced tone. Then without any music, Blaine launched into song, his eyes locked onto Kurt's, his hands trailing over the sofa that stood behind him.
"You say sometimes it's like I hardly know ya
And maybe there's some things I never showed ya
Sometimes you're certain but you just can't get it working at all
You say to your self, somebody better, will understand you more than I ever,
I'll shake his hand and smile and say I understand while I do,
That don't mean I don't think about you
I know we said it's just as well
That I won't keep, keep you for myself but
I don't wanna see you happier with somebody else
Why can't you just be lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lonely
Why can't you just be lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lonely
I know you need someone too
This just feels so soon"
Kurt held himself back, tears glistening in his eyes.
"Blaine. I can't, I'm with Jord-" Kurt started, but Blaine interrupted him.
"I don't care about Jordan! I only care about you, Kurt! Do you know what happened to me after you left? I lost control, Kurt! I started cutting again and this time it got really bad." He said, lifting his shirt up to reveal several lines criss-crossing across his chest.
"I know, your parents told me…" Kurt whispered, unable to peel his eyes from the tender skin Blaine had bared before him. "…But why Blaine? Why did you do it?"
"That's what I was asking myself…" Blaine said, pulling his shirt up higher to reveal a section of skin branded with the word WHY, the lines still red, the pain still fresh.
"Oh, Blai-"
"Kurt, please, can we just talk? Give me that. I got on a train and came to New York so I could see you. Let's just… Talk" Blaine sighed.
Kurt stood there watching Blaine for a long time. Their eyes searching each other's, remembering each other's gaze from all those special moments they spent together.
"Oh, screw Jordan." Kurt said, launching himself at the smaller boy. "I never want to leave you again." They fell into the couch behind Blaine, their lips never unlocking as they became familiar with each other's body once again.
"I never want you to leave me again either." Blaine said, his voice breaking half way through.
"At least this time, we won't have Finn barging in on us." Kurt smiled.
"Yeah, about that…" Blaine said awkwardly, looking towards the front door.
"Blaine, please don't tell me Finn is standing behind me."
"Finn is not standing behind you. Rachel is." Blaine said, a smile dancing on his lips.
"I'll… I'll just go to the park." Rachel said, the beaming smile on her face almost blinding. "Hey Blaine!" She whispered as she shut the door quietly.
"Hey Rach." Blaine chuckled.
"I swear to god." Kurt sighed.
"Forget about her, if I recall correctly, you were half way through taking your pants off?" Blaine said slyly.
"You are absolutely correct, Blaine Warbler, but I think it would be much more fun if you took yours off as well." Kurt said seductively.
"I was just thinking the same thing…" Blaine said, jerking his pants down over his hips, exposing his strong legs, marked with more reddened lines of skin.
"I love you, I really do." Kurt said, staring at Blaine's crotch with a hunger in his eyes.
"I love you too, Kurt." Blaine chuckled.