Entry 20:
How do you do it? I don't understand. People have been trying to help me, trying to explain it to me, but I can't grasp it. I don't understand, but then again neither do they. They can't fathom what I'm going through. No one can. No matter how many times I try to explain it to them, they'll never understand. Even if I would try to explain, they wouldn't listen or believe me. Not Dee. Not Audrey. Not Michael or Zack or Summer. Especially not Tom. They can't understand that I've changed. Sure, we've all changed. The Games would make anyone change. He would make anyone change. Him. The Shadow man. Julian. He changed us all, just not in the same way. The others have grown stronger, have felt safer since that day, but not me.
How do you do it? How do you explain to others that you've lost a part of yourself that you'll never get back? I can't tell them the truth. I can only pour my heart and soul out through this diary, and even then it's hard to do. These pages can't talk back to me and tell me their opinions. I've refused to tell my parents about most of this, and my friends wouldn't understand, though they can probably guess at this point why I'm acting this way. The truth is I loved him. I felt myself drawn to him from the moment I laid eyes on him. Everything seemed right with Julian. His touch was like a spark that ignited the fire within me. His mysteriousness made me crave him even more. I wanted to take the risk and experience the danger he could provide. But I didn't. I don't even think I truly realized myself that I loved him until that day. The day when he gave his life for me. I stared into those bluest eyes and gently held his head, my fingers gently massaging his white locks. I saw tears, tears of sadness and joy in his eyes. His gentle voice like water flowing over rocks was soothing yet emotional. I'd never seen him like that. He looked… human. In that moment, when I saw the life leaving his eyes, I knew that I left a part of myself there with him. It died with him. It's a part of me no one had ever known and a part I wouldn't get back.
The days roll by slowly now. I constantly remind myself of Julian, force myself to speak his name and think of him. I'm afraid if I don't that I'll slowly forget, and all those memories will just fade away. I allow my mind to wander and dream of him, day and night. My friends have noticed my daydreaming and have let me be. Tom is particularly upset by it, but we both know we can't go back to the way things were. That's why he broke up with me last month. All of us in the end know nothing will ever be the same. Today I'm meeting up with Dee and Audrey to go shopping. My Mom says it will be good for me to get out of the house, to go and hang out with friends, to be social. If only I felt that way, but it doesn't matter anymore. This isn't about me. If it was people would have accepted my feelings about this long ago. Instead, I will get ready and meet up with them. We'll talk about old times before the games and all the new fashions and cute boys and everything in between. I'll plaster on a smile and laugh, pretending to have a good time. I'll pretend I've forgotten about Julian and the games. The only thing is…
…how do you do it?