Hidden
For Elliot- All the things you simply and carelessly missed.
I stare up in awe of the beautiful clear sky; the stars sparkle, the moon shines- sending a dim white light down to earth. It is marvellous. I look up, searching for answers. My life is far from what I want it to be like; I wish for happiness- a glow, something to live for. I long to have a life that I will stop questioning my conscience and believe in myself. It is impossible to think that bad things happen under such brilliance, but as much as I want to think that nothing like that did happen; it is hard to hide the past. I sit on the dewy, wet grass with the gentle, cool breeze tickling my face and dancing with my rich chocolate hair that hangs in loose curls. I know so much more. I have been taught and I have listened and learned. I have been hurt, torn apart, ripped to shreds, left hanging by a single strand, to pick up the scattered fragments of my heart. Despite all this, I have never been alone. For I sit here tonight in the company of someone greater and more beautiful than the perfect sky above me. He is indescribable.
The afternoon shades touched the sky, soft pinks, blending with pastely oranges and light lavender. The sun sank behind the tall great mountains that surrounded me; I traced the grains of the planks of timber that constructed the veranda that I sat on. I was on a youth camp in a little town called Mapleton in the sunshine coast hinterland. I heard the screen door shut, someone was coming to join me.
"Hey." His unfamiliar voice greeted me.
"Hi." I smiled back at him as he sat beside me on the veranda. I met him at the start of the day, his name was Ryan Wight. I had never noticed him before now, he was 17. He sat silently beside me; I couldn't help wondering why he was beside me? All his friends were inside. I was suddenly self conscious of the way I sat or the things I said. Silly things, things he probably wouldn't even care about or notice for that matter. He was popular in my eyes, but like all of the popular people in school, he denied it. He was attractive with a slender long body, sandy brown hair that came half way down his ear and stuck out in different directions. He smelled wonderful. We sat there making light conversation for around an hour until the cold drove us inside the heated room.
"Ellie," I heard my name being called from across the room. My dear friend Cassie made her way toward me and my new found friend. "Hey, where were you two?" she smiled, acknowledging Ryan for the first time.
"On the veranda." He let me answer. He looked down at me; he had to be at least a foot taller.
"Did we miss dinner or something?" he said
"No, what?" Cassie answered, looking up at him with a confused expression on her face.
"Ah, never mind." he smiled and walked off to a group of boys in the opposite corner. I stared after him, incredulously.
He met me the next morning at the breakfast table.
"Morning; Sleep well?" he smiled a peaceful and warm smile.
"Um, fairly. Did you?" I tried to return the smile but I could tell on his face that my smile was somewhat false.
"Yes, I slept fine." He replied as he strode off to pile his plate with bacon and eggs. I placed my plate don next to Cassie, she smiled at me, and her almost black hair looked beautiful. The way her hair sat on her head was unique. Her blue grey eyes looked lovingly into my green ones. She was in grade eleven, while I was in grade ten, yet she was only about six months older than me. I had turned fifteen in March and it was now August.
It was day two of the four day camp. And today, we were going on a rainforest walk to a waterfall and swimming there then on to the markets. I walked with Cass the whole way.
"How long have you known Ryan for?" I asked
"Well," she thought, "Like two or so years, why?"
"I just noticed you two were good friends?" I smiled at her.
"Yeah, I guess. That's about all you want to be with him though, I would hate to date him. He is such a flirt."
"Really? I haven't noticed" I let my eyes trail along on the ground.
"Mm," she mumbled, I felt her looking at me. "What is the real reason?"
I smiled, but kept my eyes on my shoes, "that was it. I was just curious."
"Honestly, I'm not dumb." She waited
"I might have established a little crush on him that's all." I smiled innocently at her.
"Really?" she laughed at me.
"I don't know. He just seems so gentleman-like and kind. He is nice and slightly gorgeous." I laughed looking at Cassie's face.
* * *
The time moved fast, the last day was only six hours away. We were filing back into the buses after spending a whole day at sunshine plaza. Ryan had walked around almost all day with me and Cassie and a few other girls. My little crush had grown, but I was sure not to make it that obvious so that he would notice. I was completely confused about how he felt. One minute he would be sweet and the next he would be off flirting with another girl, her name was Emma.
"Sit with me." He said more as a statement, than a question.
"I can't," I replied simply. Emma was on the same bus and I was trying to avoid that awkward scenario. "We have to sit on the same buses."
"Oh fine." He sighed and left me to get on the bus, but joined me when we were back at the campsite.
Dinner was almost ready; everyone was cleaning the hall and setting it up for dinner. I was sitting on a concrete water tank watching the sky succumb to the night. The air was crisp. What does he think of me? I thought, sitting out until I got to chilled, dinner seemed to be served when I walked inside the big hall. Ryan had reserved a seat next to him for me, I grinned, excited by the idea that he wanted to sit near me. Spiritual input followed dinner. The message was on second chances and after that there was a chunk of response time. I spent this time with another girl called Grace. We had brought out a mattress to a hill and soon we were joined by Ryan. My heart skipped a beat. His brilliant face shone when Grace walked away, leaving just Ryan and me on the mattress. Our heads were positioned on my pillow, our bodies side by side, sharing the one mattress, covered by one blanket; cosy. Hours passed but I barely noticed. We talked about the sky and the future and about our families. I was at ease, not uncomfortable, only when his gaze rested on my face. He was going to do medicine after graduation and I was thinking of veterinary science. His uncle had a farm, I was a country girl. It seemed we had much in common. A leader came and sent us to bed at eleven pm. I smiled as we exchanged goodnight's and sleep tights'.
So much had changed, I was euphoric and I didn't seem to realise how much. I was flying high; unable to sleep- my mind was in disbelief that those three hours had just happened. I napped the whole way through the night until about five am, when I rugged up and walked out to where we sat last night, trying to make sense of it all.
* * *
He had left without even a goodbye, no way to contact him. I slumped into the car, tired and miserable. Feeling like that whole camp was a waste. I arrived home, wanting only to take my horse out for a ride. I let her gallop feeling the air whip my fringe of my face, I urged her now, the tears freely falling from my tired eyes. I liked him a lot and it was all in vain now. 'Lord,' I prayed 'please, this all makes sense to you, but to me. A mere human, I don't understand I really like him Lord, but it's up to you. Make it or Break it. I trust you.'
It felt strange to be home. But it was that night that I texted Joe, a friend of Ryan's, but he didn't know his mobile number. I fell asleep, annoyed. The next day passed slowly, hopelessly. That night I had missed calls, and a text message waiting for me. All from Ryan. "Is this Ellie? Joe gave me your number. ryanx"
Butterflies filled my belly, I was giggling inside. "Yes, hey! Omg, I have butterflies. Ha ha. Ellie xoxo." Only a short while later my message tone sounded: "It's a great feeling hey? I miss the mattresses and the stars. X."
Oh my, oh my! I was overjoyed, he liked me! "Yes. I miss you." I texted back.
I stand, walking to the very veranda that began this chapter of my life. My cheeks are damp, my nose cold, my legs stiff. The memories are so vivid here, I cannot escape them. It's like I am reliving them a year later only as a completely different person, but with the same heart: A heart that yearns for the untouchable. It is dark, everyone is asleep, it is the last day of my four day youth camp. I cried out to my comforter. "Lord God, why am I still hurting? I am sick of carrying this burden, I don't understand? I trust you, but why did you give me more than I can bear? What lesson are you trying to teach me?"
It was Tuesday, three days after camp; I was invited to the city with Cassie, Joe, Ryan and a few others. I found it more awkward knowing what I knew: how he felt. Which was weird: think about it, he liked me for who I was, what was I afraid of? Being me. I thought I wasn't good enough for him; which was absurd! He smiled at me, "you look nice."
I felt my face burn and I knew I was blushing, his smile only grew.
Really, it was an outing just for us, the others had obviously planned. Because they left us. We laid in a grassy park by the river, I think he preferred being on the floor, so he wasn't always so tall.
I couldn't hide the fact that he smelt so wonderful, "you smell good," I had murmured.
"Do I?" he asked, his eyes gloriously shining into mine. Butterflies began somersaulting inside me.
"oi," he silenced the silence, which was not awkward, "I wont go behind your parents, so you have to tell them."
Oh great, I thought about a possible scenario of telling mum. Not good. I had never told her before about anything like this. "I will."
"when?" he pushed.
"I don't know." I had muttered.
"Soon, okay?" he insisted. I was putty in his hands. If that was the only thing keeping us apart then I would have done anything.
"I love you, El." he stared intently into my eyes again, searching, but not for an answer, a reaction. He smiled, so I guessed he got what he had wanted.
"I love you too." I whispered back, just in case he didn't already know that. But he probably did just from the way I was acting. How embarrassing.
* * *
It was the next time that we went out when things started to become truly great. We were sitting in the botanical gardens lying on a gentle slope with green grass covering the ground. The soft, cool breeze was relaxing; the tub of my favourite ice cream was placed between us. I had a smile plastered on my face.
"Ellie," he propped himself up on one elbow, I sat up. When he said my name that way it was like the world didn't exist anymore. "Do you want to go out with me?" he was suddenly venerable, tender and sweet.
"Yeah, do you?" WHAT? Why did I say that! Why would he have asked if he didn't? Gosh I was so stupid sometimes!
It shocked me when all of a sudden, he began laughing. Not a little chortle, a roar of laughter.
"You're…face…hilarious." He managed to say, still laughing.
I close my eyes, his brilliant eyes shining on me again, I open them quickly. Every time I see him, I see what could have been: happiness. We were so connected.
The day began sadly, and ended horribly. Bucketing down, freezing cold, had to go to school. Bu lunch, my shoes were soaked, my hair in ringlets. I looked like a drowned rat. My phone buzzes, a message, "where are you?" it was Ryan, he wanted to see me. Shucks, I felt all gooey inside, chocolate sauce. YAY!
"By the library." I replied.
"Stay. I'll bee there in a few."
OKAY. I could have gone on forever with words that I could use to describe how I felt. Love. I truly loved him. He found me as he said, and we went over to some classrooms on the oval. I was confused, I was smiling like a Cheshire cat, and he looked glum, maybe the weather affected him greatly.
The tears rushed out of my eyes, like a flood. I couldn't stop. He held me to his warm body, I just cradled myself until I realised, struggled out and walked into the rain. Like an embrace, I let it saturate me, let my hair look gross and fuzzy, let the tears fall. I walked back to Cassie; she was standing with another girl. I buried my face into her shoulder, home. She asked what was wrong, I couldn't tell her. My heart was broken, no, ripped to shreds, to many pieces to pick up. I couldn't even recognise it.
I felt numb, I couldn't speak, I sobbed my way through my last class, then walked aimlessly around the school; Secretly wanting to see Ryan, to see if he was affected at all, or was he just so heartless. I did not see him once, I was drenched, shivering and without sensation.
I slam my fist into the wooden floor, I just want to scream. I know it is impossible to stay heartbroken forever, but, a year on, I don't feel any different than I did on that miserable day. He hurt me. The only crime that I committed is loving him, but he, oh. He dropped my heart onto a thousand nails. I lift my fist, feeling a stinging sensation on my knuckles. They are moist, was I bleeding? It was not aching, but how could I be a judge of that, without a heart? As far as I am concerned, my heart is still on those nails, all I can hope for is that it will one day stop hurting and become immune to the pain.
I sighed before I started, "he basically told me that 'it was all me. You are so innocent, and I don't want to be responsible for ruining that innocence. I can't.' and I was like, 'well, someone has to!' He just said that it couldn't be him. And that was what he left me with."
"Oh, Hun," she gasped, "you don't need him, he was just a speed bump."
What? Sometimes Cass was just outright annoying. What was she talking about a speed bump? I loved him, and it just so happens that I knew from the beginning that I didn't need him, regardless, I still loved him.
* * *
"I just want to be friends again? Is that too much to ask?" he whispered, it sounded weird compared to my screaming. In truth, it was too much but I couldn't say it.
"Nope, I just had to get over you fully, so we could be friends, and now I am, so sure. Friends it is." LIE! Over him: Not in a million years. It seemed that I just liked digging myself into rather large holes that take ages to get out of.
"Thank you." He smiled, perfect. I sighed. Three months ago, I sent him an email telling him that this was goodbye and there was nothing he could do, only to embrace it. I said my goodbye, and that was my attempt to rid Ryan of my life so I could move on. I successfully avoided seeing, talking and mostly thinking about him in those three months.
I hear muffled footsteps. "Hey." He greeted me. GO AWAY! I want to yell.
"hi." I say coldly. He sits, close. "I couldn't sleep," I try to make conversation to fill the silence, I find it awkward. "Actually, I never tried." We sit in silence now. Not awkward. It's just like it just t be. "This is awkward." I murmur. WHY?
"Really?" he finds his voice, I just nod.
"Why couldn't you sleep? Are you alright?" he asks me quietly.
Early morning, everyone was excited, all but one. Me. I did not find the idea of staying a week in close proximity with Ryan fun. Especially since I had worked so hard to stop the attraction I felt for him. It was the beginning of youth camp, a year since I met him. So much had happened: we had dated, hated (maybe that was just me, and only superficially) become friends again numerous times, and now we were here on a camp, forced to talk. He wanted a friendship, I did not. I wanted more, he did not. So here we are: I did not know what he felt, nor him about me; we were equally blind.
* * *
The darkness suits my mood, it is chilly. My attempts to stay away had all fallen through. I was back to square one. He is sitting beside me, he smells just like he did that time at south bank. The question swirls around in the air, his eyes on me. He does not see my tortured body, or the state of my heart; all crumpled still.
"What's wrong?" he repeated his question. Now, a year on: friends but secretly wanting more. How can I ever tell him? How can I tell him the truth without telling him everything my heart desires? Is there anyway to entirely close this chapter of my life? Even more importantly, do I want to close it?
* The end *