A/N: Hi. Before we begin, I'd like to tell you something. Suicide is not okay. If you have a friend that is thinking about ending their life, GET HELP FOR THEM! Also, I have no clue if I want to continue Paralyzed. I thought it was a good idea at first, but now I don't think it is. But if you guys really want me to continue it, then I will, otherwise, I'll delete it. If you like sad and depressing stories, than this one is for you. I cried. I sobbed. I threw some stuff. I exploded with feels.(But I do that with every Malec fanfic I write)
Alec had enough. Enough of breathing, enough of living, enough of life. There was nothing this world had to offer that he wanted except for one thing. One person. That one person was Magnus Bane, and Alec was pretty sure he hated him now. Once, they were dating and their lives were perfect in their little infinity. But Alec had to go and ruin it by secretly meeting with Magnus's ex-lover, Camille Belcourt, whom he had sworn to kill, only to be too late. He still loved Magnus, and he always would, no matter what the Clave told him who or what to love, he'd go against their wishes. But it didn't matter what the Clave wanted anymore, and Alec suspected it never did to begin with. He'd be gone from this world in an hour or two, his soul washed away like the tide. Suicide, he knew, would land him a one way ticket to hell. Alec decided that was fine. He deserved nothing less than to rot for all eternity, but that wasn't the only reason. He knew that when Magnus died, they'd be reunited in death, because the demon in him would go to hell. Magnus didn't want Alec anymore. No one did. So who cared if he died?
He sat in his bathroom, the black sleeves of his gear rolled up to his elbow methodically and with no wrinkles. Everything about Alec was neat and clean, minus his tattered and torn soul, which was only held together by Magnus's warm and sensitive touch. But that was gone, and he felt soulless now. Alec reflected on the past months after the breakup. He barely ate or slept or talked. All he did was call Magnus on that cursed phone, but he never talked, never spoke, never even breathed for fear of the man on the other end would figure out all of Alec's secrets and apologies. Every time Magnus picked up, he spoke Alec's name, sometimes his full given one, sometimes his shortened one, with concern and love. He didn't deserve that love. Alec didn't deserve anything but pain and suffering and loss.
Finally, Alec raked the silver dagger across the pale, smooth skin of his lower arm, letting blood well out of the cut and pool around him in a bath of crimson. He tilted his head back and let out a sigh of relief. The black hair he kept nice and neat for Magnus had now grown into an untamed jungle of ink. He only showered when Jace or Isabelle made him, which was usually after demon fights. Which he rarely did anymore. He rarely did anything, come to think of it. Alec knew that deep down, wallowing in self-pity was not going to help him get over Magnus. Right now, however, he could care less. Didn't he have a right to be sad? Didn't he have a right to be in a depressed state for a while? After all, Magnus was his first love, and the breakup had hit him harder than any demon whacking him unconscious could. Was he just supposed to act like nothing happened? Alec thought not, and so here he was, unhappy and unfeeling. Well not totally, he usually felt numb, that was a feeling, right?
Hands shaking from blood loss, he scored his other arm with the sharp metal. But he didn't just make a straight line. No, Alec wanted to dehumanize himself before he left this earth. And the only way he knew how to do that right now was to scar his white skin with everything that he was. Ugly. Said one word. Coward. Said another. Alec didn't feel the pain, just white dullness that enveloped him in its cruel arms. Oddly enough, the young shadowhunter welcomed it happily. The words he wrote piled up on his arm, until there was no more room to cut anymore letters. Idiot. Stupid. Failure Mistake. Were all added to the list along with other abnorherrent things like lame. Imbecile. And unworthy. And the worst part was Alec believed them. He knew he shouldn't, but he did. The vital fluid leaked from the wounds, soaking his clothes and the corners of Alec's suicide note. Ah yes, Alec had almost forgotten he'd written that. He scanned it over with his sapphire irises, which were full of tears.
Dear Magnus, Jace, and Isabelle,
Goodbye. I am dead but don't cry over me. I wanted to die. I had nothing, absolutely nothing, to live for. And that is fine, I guess, because it finally gave me a reason to leave without a poor excuse. I've wanted to go for a while, ever since, you know, that day. But I didn't know how to express that. However, I do now, and I wanted to thank each and every one of you for making my short life worth living.
Magnus, my darling, my love. I realize that you probably loathe me, but I needed to include you. I know how you will blame this whole 'incident' on yourself, but please don't. Don't do what I did to myself when Max died. I love you more than anything in this world, and I apologize for anything I have done, and what I will do when I am gone. I just wanted to know, you know? Please believe me when I tell you that among the darkness that is -was- my dull and boring life, you were the sunlight that shone through and made my days worth living. Don't forget me, okay? I promise that wherever I end up, I won't forget you. Don't you dare commit suicide, or stop being who you are, just because I am gone. You seemed to get along just fine before you knew me, so I'm sure you can cope now. I love you, by the angel I can't say it enough. I love you I love you I love you. Aku Cinta Kamu.
Jace. You, sir, are an asshole. I've always wanted to say that to you, and now in death and writing I can. But along with being an asshole you are also my parabatai, and so therefore I must love you to put up with you as I do. Out in the battles we've fought I've always imagined you dying first, so I had protected you. Although I was wrong. I will be the one to perish first, and not a hero's death like you will. I will be facing a coward's death, for I am too weak in mind and spirit to face the outside world. Hell, I can't even face the outside of my bedroom. Just do me one more favor, brother. Try not to slip into depression like I did, it is a horrible thing. And that also means not purposely getting your head bashed in by a demon.
Isabelle, my little sister. You've given me strength to push on through the rough patches of life. You are amazing, and wonderful, and strong. Fierce too, might I add. I still have the scars from when we were little and you beat me up for taking your pink unicorn. It is those traits that will build up your character through life, and I know that you will take challenges in stride, and come out victorious. Don't worry about me, I'm fine now, and I'll make sure to watch over you, if you want. You've built walls around you that protect you from loving anybody. I, as your big brother, am telling you to TAKE THOSE DOWN. Simon loves you. I may not know everything about love but I'm pretty sure I can tell when a boy looks at you with compassion and a desire to protect you until his dying gasp, like I have. Simon looks at you that way, and my last wish for you is to be with him. Forever.
I love all three of you, and I am sorry that I am gone, but I had to go, for reasons that I hope now are obvious.
Forever yours,
Alexander Gideon Lightwood
Alec managed to blink back the clear tears that threatened to spill down his colorless cheeks. That note seemed good enough. He'd managed to say everything he'd wanted. Funny how you could express yourself better on paper and ink than you could with words and sentences that flowed out of your mouth. His vision was fading, and Alec knew that he was slipping away from this world, and for that, he was glad. Alec knew he wouldn't have a normal shadowhunter burial, because suicide was a dishonorable death in the eyes of the clave, as was being a homosexual. But the blue eyed Shadowhunter could care less. Magnus, he hoped, would give him a normal Mundane one. The door to his bedroom banged loudly, no doubt Jace or Isabelle telling Alec dinner was ready. However, Alec was too far gone to even form the words 'I'm coming.' With his arms throbbing, but him not feeling the pain, Alec clutched his death letter to his chest, his last breath stopped before it even began. The door to the bathroom burst open, but Alec was too far gone to notice who it was. He couldn't even form thoughts to care. Alexander Lightwood was dead.
Why wasn't Alec at the gates of heaven, waiting to be transported to hell for the heinous crime he had committed? All he saw was blackness, nothing more, nothing less. He supposed this would be a fine place to spend eternity, alone with his thoughts and actions. But he wasn't sure if Magnus could follow him to this place that Alec was uncertain of. He supposed it didn't matter, the Warlock still would probably hate him even after reading the note he had written. The things he had done in his life were unforgivable, and he didn't expect Magnus to let bygones be bygones. There was oblivion around him, naught a stray grandfather clock floating aimlessly around, nor a baby blanket that was forgotten among the hecticness of packing day. It lacked any sense of belonging or emotion, just like Alec had felt just before he died.
The odd thing was was that something soft was brushing against his right arm. It felt like linen, and then soft luscious skin that was warm to the touch. Alec tried to look at his bicep, but realized that he wasn't there. It was like only his soul traveled to this part of the unknown, and left his body for the others to find in horror and in shock. He would rather it be that way. The persistent grazing that continued up and down his arm was quite annoying, but Alec didn't know how to stop it.
And then he opened his eyes. Alec wasn't dead, as he had hoped and wished for. Quite the contrary. He was very much alive, his blue irises staring up at his ceiling, which was taken over by pictures of Magnus and him on their trip around the world, or sometimes just Magnus alone, posing ridiculously for the camera that Alec had an impulse to buy one day. He found out, by twisting his head ever so slightly, that the stroking was coming from none other than the Warlock Magnus Bane. The one person Alec needed to keep him sane and whole and alive. Magnus had the note with Alec's spindly handwriting in his hand, the lined paper slightly trembling, and Alec couldn't tell which emotion it was from. There was probably a dozen. Translucent tears raced down the Warlock's tan face.
"Why am I not dead?" Alec whispered bitterly, more to himself than to his companion. "I should be dead. I want to be dead." He didn't want Magnus to hear him. He wanted Magnus to leave, so that he could stab himself in the heart and just end it all. He was tired of living and being depressed all the time.
However, whatever God was up above decided to punish him, and so of course Magnus heard the young and broken Shadowhunter. He turned his face towards him, and Alec was for a moment, frightfully scared. Magnus's cat eyes looked murderous, ablaze with green fire that burned brightly gold. His pupils were just slender little sticks. "Did you not even think, Alexander Gideon Lightwood, on how your actions would reflect on us?" The normally sweet sounding voice that was calm was now low and deadly, like a viper ready to strike on its next unlikely victim. "Did you think that this note, this godforsaken note-" At this point, Magnus shoved the now crumpled up paper in Alec's face. "would be enough to ease the pain of your passing?" He was practically yelling now. It was a wonder no one burst through that door.
Thinking it better to remain silent, Alec said nothing, trying to control his heartbeat, which was thumping wildly in his chest from the horror of seeing his ex-boyfriend like this. After a couple of seconds, Magnus's features softened. "Did you think that none of us cared about you?" His voice had accusation in it, along with pity and a dash of comfort and then it cracked, which broke Alec's heart into a million shattered pieces.
"Yes." He said quietly, ashamed of himself for the first time in what felt like decades. Alec couldn't even look Magnus in the eye, so instead he focused on the white cloth of his sheets. "Yes, and yes." He sobbed, finally breaking down. He would rather not cry in front of Magnus, but that could not be helped.
Miraculously, Magnus shifted Alec's head into the crook of his chest and caressed his pale, wet cheek and his long raven hair. "You thought wrong, little Nephilim. I care about you. And I certainly do not hate you. Aku Cinta Kamu, you know that, right?" Magnus crooned softly, his voice muffled by Alec's hair. Something wet fell into Alec's scalp, and he realized Magnus was crying again, unable to control what he was feeling at the moment. Neither was Alec, as he was silently crying teardrops of many emotions too.
"I thought you loathed me. I thought you hated me for the things I did." Alec confessed into Magnus's chest, which was covered by a soft pink shirt that had a gold crown on it. That was the truth.
"Hate you? Darling Alexander, I could never hate you no matter how hard I tried. You are much too lovable to be hated." Magnus said, sobs turning into soft and broken chuckles.
"I'm sorry. Sorry for everything that I did to you, Magnus. Please don't be angry about that."
Magnus tilted Alec's face up towards him. "I'm not angry about what happened all those months ago, Alec. What I am furious about though, is the fact that you tried to take your own life. You could have called me and I could've helped you. I'm great at giving advice about things other than clothing."
"I'm sorry about that too, I guess." Alec mumbled, still avoiding Magnus's gaze. "But what if I would've been happy, you know, dead?
Magnus made an impatient noise in the back of his throat, as if he couldn't believe what he was hearing. "No one is happy with death. I know that."
"Was I almost dead when you found me?" Asked Alec, curious as to why and how he was still alive today. He remembered back to the blood that pooled around him like a deadly fountain of red ink. It shouldn't be possible to live with all that blood loss. But then again, Magnus was a healer of sorts, though nursing wasn't a good profession for him.
For the first moment or so, Magnus stayed quiet, pondering his answer. While waiting, Alec took notice of his ex-boyfriends outfit. He wore a black shirt with rainbow sequins dotted heavily towards the hem, and got lighter and thinned out as it got towards the top. Thick gold necklaces adorned his tan neck, some had charms on them. Magnus had put on tight jeans, and belts surrounded his waist where his pants were riding low on his hips. True to his fashion statement, platform boots. His hair was in spikes, the ends dyed every band of color known to man. His black makeup had drawn the Shadowhunter to the Warlocks magnificent cat eyes. "I didn't know if I could save you in time. Your breathing was so shallow and the pulse you gave me was so weak and sickly. Luckily your amazing shadowhunter blood had saved you for me. I healed you and cleaned up the bathroom. I don't think the rest of your family would be to pleased that their son and brother tried to kill himself.
I saw what you wrote on your arm, Alexander. And I am not pleased in the slightest. How could you say those things about yourself? They are so not true, you know. A coward? Could a coward fight in the mortal war with the strength of one hundred men. A mistake. You are not a mistake, Alec, believe me. If you are a mistake then I am a stupid mundane, and I'm not one, so therefore, you are not a mistake. Please believe me, darling."
Magnus leaned in, not to kiss Alec, just to rest his forehead against the pale skin of the younger man's temple. Alec let out a sigh, which was heavy with confliction and torment. If Magnus said those things, then they must be true. He opened his mouth, but no sound came out. What if he burst into tears again? Alec hated being weak. He hated not being able to be a true shadowhunter. But he didn't hate the way that Magnus held him, caressed him, made him feel as if he was the only thing that truly mattered on this forsaken planet filled with danger and death. "I- I believe you, Magnus." Alec finally choked out. Thank you. Thank you for saving me."
"If I didn't save you, the Lightwoods would have my head. They blame everything that happens to you on me." Magnus's voice slipped into a falsetto, mocking the members of Alec's family. "'Alec tripped on a tree root, it's your fault!' No, your brother is just naturally clumsy. He tripped over a chair in Hotel Dumort. 'Alec yelled at me! You put him up to it!' Yeah, he's a teenager. Teenagers are moody, I can't control the raven haired demon when he's feeling angsty. 'Alec watched Project Runway! You got him obsessed.' Ok first of all, that is an amazing show, and anyone with half a brain would know it. And secondly, yeah I did."
That brought a smile out of Alec Lightwood, it was small at first, because he hadn't grinned in months, but it felt good to do it. It slowly grew, going from ear to ear. Magnus smiled as well, and everything right now was balanced, just as it was and always- hopefully- would be. They just held each other, smiling silently. Alec couldn't remember why he would want to commit suicide, that was a very stupid idea looking back on it. He was glad that he didn't.
"Can we be together again?" Asked Alec hopefully, after a few moments of silence. He was sure he loved Magnus, and he'd do anything for him. If he wanted to cut all ties and never speak to each other again, Alec would do that to make his Warlock happy.
"If you promise never to try to take your own life again, then yes, Alexander, we can be together again."
And that promise was sealed with a kiss.
A/N: Like I said, sad and depressing, but also very meaningful and powerful. Usually, I deny page 511 (Don't we all?) but this one just felt like it needed it. Sorry for the crappy ending, I was half asleep by that time.
Ave Atque Vale,
Wicked.