In Too Deep
All that time I was searching
With nowhere to run to
It started me thinking
Wondering what I could make of my life
And who'd be waiting.
XXX
He sat at the table, staring at the gold band as he spun it round and round. He'd spent time thinking about exactly what that gold band represented before (albeit while drunk) but now, in the cold harsh light of soberness and loss he realized it meant something completely different than what he'd thought when he'd allowed Dee to place it on his finger.
Ownership. Possession.
He'd turned to her when Kara turned him down, figuring that his feelings, while not nearly as intense for her as they were for Kara, were enough to get them through. He'd reasoned marrying Dee meant having someone. Having a life. Having a partner to share it with so he wasn't left out in the cold.
Cold hurt. He knew that from his brush with death. Cold froze you right through till you were numb. Until you welcomed death. He didn't want to be cold any longer. Kara's betrayal had left him just as cold and numb as the little trip he'd taken in space with an imperfect flightsuit. And so he'd retaliated, trying to find a way to stay warm.
He'd gone into the marriage assuming he was getting a partner to share his life with. Someone to be there for him and love him when no one else would. Someone he could always count on to have his back.
What he'd ended up with was a leash. The ring, currently not on his finger, bore testimony to that. Dee owned him, and she made no hesitation about telling him he was making a mistake in the direction he wanted to take his life.
What did he have now?
Asking all kinds of questions to myself
But never finding the answers.
Crying at the top of my voice
And no one listening.
XXX
It was the first time he'd felt anything since she'd died.
Anger.
His father had always had the ability to make him angry. He didn't understand. Worse, he didn't try to understand. He wanted his son to be what he thought a son should be and there was no deviating from that path.
Lee had done everything he could to follow that path. It hadn't been entirely what he'd wanted, though he'd succeeded handily. Especially at flying - there was one place he'd surpassed his father and it had felt good. Which is why he'd stuck it out, though the Military really hadn't been where his heart was.
That was a place he hadn't discovered till he'd started working with Romo. The law had fascinated him as a kid but it was his grandfather's place. The thought that he himself could become a lawyer had never entered his head while growing up. Doing his best to follow in his father's footsteps had been what he'd been groomed and brainwashed to do and he'd done it perfectly.
Until now. No wonder the Old Man was so angry. He'd lost control of his 'perfect' son.
He couldn't fly anymore. Not without Kara. She wasn't just his wingman, she was his other half. He could fly alone but it was as though he was flying blind. She filled the gaps in him that he didn't even know existed and working without her was something he just couldn't do.
No one understood. Not his father, not Dee. The confused looks on the faces of everyone he passed told him they didn't understand why he was just up and quitting either. He wanted to just scream it out to everyone. Couldn't they understand how much Kara meant to him? He couldn't just shrug off her death like it didn't matter.
Like everyone else did.
All this time I still remember
Everything you said
There's so much you promised
How could I ever forget?
XXX
He stared at the picture on the wall, heart still ringing with the dull thud the tack had made as he'd finally let go and put it up where it belonged. It belongs next to your heart. She was one of the dead, honoured like the others in a place where everyone could see. She wasn't just his to mourn. She should have been. He had to share.
There had been so many times, times they could have spoken of their feelings. But words had never been her forte. She was physical, visceral. Everything she did punched hard and though the words never graced her lips he had no doubt she'd loved him, in whatever way she was capable of.
It had always been there in her eyes. He could still see it staring at him from the photo on the wall. So much promise, so many possibilities, so much more their life could have been if only ...
Listen, you know I love you but I just can't take this
You know I love you but I'm playing for keeps
Although I need you I'm not gonna make this
You know I want you but I'm in too deep.
XXX
How many ways did he regret turning her down? More than he could possibly count, even if he lived to be three hundred.
The cold, hard truth was that they'd only had weeks left together and though she'd been stubborn and unwilling to commit, she had thought about her decision not to leave Sam and changed her mind. He'd been the one who'd turned tail and fled back to the safety of the one he was sure would never leave him.
That was a laugh now wasn't it?
Kara might never have been able to handle his heart but she always had his back. Always. He'd never doubted it for a second. She'd have been there for him when his father wasn't. Of course he wouldn't have had that altercation with the Old Man if she hadn't died - they'd still have been flying together, writing rosters together, planning nugget classes together ...
Even though he knew there would only have been a few weeks they could have spent together, he regretted not throwing caution to the wind and taking her when she finally did offer herself to him, no strings attached. He should have believed in her, trusted her, realized she was scared, not just rejecting him out of hand.
He'd made his choice. He wasn't going to let her hurt him again.
How wrong he'd been.
So listen, listen to me
You must believe me
I can feel your eyes go through me
But I don't know why.
I know you're going but I can't believe
It's the way that you're leaving
It's like we never knew each other at all
It may be my fault.
XXX
It had been so hard watching her walk away. She'd been in such pain. And he'd been the cause of it.
He'd broken her. She, Starbuck the invincible. He'd done to her what she'd done to him - told her there was 'nothing there', not in so many words but the meaning had been clear. And it had broken her. She'd been so different afterwards, distant, as though she wasn't really there anymore. A shadow of her former self.
It broke his heart to see her that way. It was as though it was over between them, as though they'd never known each other, never felt what they did, never been intimate in any way. She was a stranger to him. He watched intently but though Kara was who he saw on the outside the person inside peeking through her eyes was someone he'd never known at all.
He wanted to get to know her. Needed it like a dying man needed oxygen. But it was too late now, she was vapour. Dust. Atoms in the larger universe, no longer coalescing into the being he'd loved even when he hadn't really known or understood her.
She was gone. His heart refused to believe it.
I gave you too many reasons being alone when I didn't want to
I thought you'd always be there
I almost believed you.
All this time I still remember everything you said
There's so much you promised
How could I ever forget?
XXX
'Lee Adama loves me.'
'There's no takebacks Lee.'
'You love me.'
He could still hear every inflection in her voice as the words washed over him again and again. Yes, I love you Kara. I don't want to take it back. If only he could say the words now. Maybe she'd believe them. Had she ever really believed anything he'd said? Did she ever really believe it was possible for them to be something? He wished he knew.
The nearly-empty ambrosia bottle in his hand wasn't giving him the answers he wanted, nor was it providing the escape he required from her constant presence. He threw it across the room in disgust, watching dispassionately as the bottle shattered and the remains of the precious liquid splattered, sticky and cloying, all over the bunkroom. He scrubbed his hand across his prickly face.
He stood on shaky legs. He couldn't do it anymore. It was time to end the facade. He couldn't fly anymore, not with the memory of her face as he'd last seen it constantly in front of him, blocking all else. Like everything else in his life he'd realized too late what was really important. Lee Adama didn't just love Kara Thrace, she was his heart and soul, the very core of his existence. Without her he was lost, barely a shell. Breathing but not living.
'Lee Adama loves me'
Yes he does. And always will.
So listen, listen to me
I can feel your eyes go through me.
It seems I've spent too long only
Thinking about myself
And now I want to spend my life
Just caring 'bout somebody else.
XXX
Marriage and family. Something he hadn't really thought about much, not after running from Gianne. Marriage and family was something he definitely hadn't wanted then so he'd turned and fled, leaving her with only two reminders of her relationship with the great and respected Apollo - a child whose father didn't want him, and a broken heart.
What a coward.
No wonder Kara didn't want him. He'd always thought her reluctance to allow a relationship to develop between them was because she was afraid. Maybe it was because she'd seen right through him and realized that underneath the facade of bravery and heroism was a man who was afraid of commitment and emotional ties. Maybe she'd suspected what he felt was only temporary, ephemeral, a lust to be slaked then she'd be tossed aside when the ties that bind threatened to strangle him.
Maybe she was afraid of being alone.
He didn't want to be alone anymore. Dee had deserted him - not that it mattered, her presence had barely registered on his radar. But he wanted someone. Someone to spend his life with. Someone to enjoy the highs and hold him up during the lows. Someone he could laugh with, cry with, have a family with.
That someone was Kara.
Listen, you know I love you but I just can't take this
You know I love you but I'm playing for keeps
Although I need you, I'm not gonna make this
You know I want to but I'm in too deep
XXX
Her face, softly lit by the helmet light, was the most exquisite thing he'd ever seen. It was more precious than air itself.
He had no idea how she was here, why she was here, but his heart thudded the same rhythm over and over again - don't hesitate, don't hesitate, don't hesitate ... the quick staccato rhythm feeling like it would burst his chest wide open.
He didn't care if it did. At least then his heart would be exposed. She'd know everything, all the things he'd tried to keep hidden and always failed in part. It was time for the truth. The whole truth and nothing but, as the statement of law so appropriately stated. It was time to tell her just how deep his feelings ran, and to Hades with the consequences.
It was time to make her understand that this was no mere flirtation or passing sexual fancy. He was in deep, too deep perhaps, so deep that his feelings engulfed his entire being. Without her they drowned him. With her he knew he could float. They could float, together, holding each other up, being there for one another. Giving each other life and love.
For keeps.
fin