A/N: This is a J/B piece I wrote (unbeta'd) after hearing some incredibly sad news about a friend's daughter's lost fight with cancer. It was kind of an attempt to process through the news. I'm rating it M because of the intense emotion in this piece. WARNING: this is some serious, heartbreaking angst, don't be surprised if you cry. This shouldn't be taken lightly at all.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
Sing Her Home
Jacob wrapped his arms around Bella holding her tight to his side. He could feel the tremor wracking her small body as she clung to him with one arm to help support herself and the other tightly clutched to her chest in a fruitless attempt to keep herself from falling apart into a million pieces. He'd never understood what it meant to have an out of body experience until he found himself standing in that hospital room. He could feel the deep, endless, dark pit in his stomach, he could feel the muscles in his throat working hard to fight back the bile that threatened to creep up, his heart was racing with fear, his mind unable to fully grasp the severity and finality of the situation before him. The physical manifestation of the full gauntlet of emotions he was experiencing felt so real but he couldn't make himself be fully present in the moment. It was not possible that this was his life.
The small sob escaping his wife's mouth brought him back to the scene before him. Two nurses were carefully moving their girl into an extra large adult sized hospital bed. He wanted to scream at them for removing the wires and tubes that he had become so accustom to seeing on her over the past 2 years of her illness. It was a surreal experience to, after so long of wanting to see her up and moving with out the trail of machines and wires behind her, find himself internally begging the nurses to keep them attached. Attached meant there was hope.
Seraphina Renee Black was born exactly nine months after Jacob and Bella were married. She was the light of their lives. Jacob didn't think it was possible to love someone like he loved Bella until he first held his daughter. Her spiky black hair and russet skin were a perfect match for his own but her dainty little ears and bottom lip that was slightly too large for her top was all Bella. She had a smile that could light up the whole room but a touch of seriousness that could have only come from her mother. He was wrapped around her little finger from the moment he first set eyes on her.
Their lives couldn't be more perfect. They bought the home next door to Billy shortly after Bella found out she was pregnant. Billy argued that he didn't need his son to look after him but it was impossible to ignore how grateful Billy was when they'd bring Sera over every Sunday for lunch prepared by Bella. Jacob had opened a small mechanic shop in downtown La Push and Bella was teaching high school english while Emily watched Sera and her own son Levi. They didn't have much money but they had family, good friends, and more love than most people experience in a lifetime.
Everything changed when Sera began getting bruises beyond the typical bumps and spills of an adventurous two year old. One trip to the doctor turned into seeing a specialist, they were assured just in case. One trip to the specialist turned into endless blood tests, body scans, and the dreaded diagnosis of the C word. They spent exactly one week feeling sorry for themselves. Jacob would wake up alone in the middle of the night to find Bella sitting in Sera's room rocking her long after she fell asleep, silent tears so as to not wake up their very sick little girl. They had exactly one huge fight over how they were going to afford her medical bills and keep their house. It would have been easy to fall into the uneasy pattern of uncertainty and despair but Jacob refused to allow his family to fall apart like that. He became the rock that Bella clung to after long hours spent beside Sera during Chemo and she simply didn't have anymore to give. He became the mastermind of countless bake sales and spaghetti dinners to help offset the mounting medical bills. He faithfully wore a pink polka dot ribbon pinned to his chest every day for two years and would proudly exclaim what a fighter his little girl was when anyone asked. He made sure his sunny smile was the first thing Sera saw in the morning and "I love you baby girl" was the last thing she heard at night.
Looking at Sera's frail, diminished body laying in the too big bed, now free of any life supporting aid, he couldn't remember where the strength and courage came from as it seemed to abandon him now. As if by a silent cue, both he and Bella dropped their arms from around each other and climbed into either side of Sera in the bed. His hand immediately reached up to stroke her hair, to provide her the comfort of knowing her daddy was there with her. Bella was stroking her cheek and kissing every inch of skin she could find. The little girl kept her eyes closed, not having the strength to fight anymore. They both whispered in her ear how much they loved her, how much joy she brought to their lives, how much she meant to everyone, how the world was better because she was in it. When neither seemed to be able to say anything else Jacob began singing in his native Quileute lullabies that his mother had sang him.
Sera's chest began to rise and fall more sporadically but Jacob was determined to stay strong for her. She was just a little girl, a small wisp of a thing and someone had to be strong for her. He didn't want his girl to know pain or fear, not now. The tears started to slowly fall from Bella's eyes and he reached over to gently wipe them away. She caught his big, rough hand and kissed it deeply, silently begging for the reaffirmation that they'd be ok. He leaned over Sera and kissed Bella's forehead, catching her chocolate eyes as settled back and trying to convey how much he loved her. He couldn't have asked for a better mother for his girl. He was just as scared as Bella but if anyone could survive losing their child, it would be the two of them together. He had to believe it or risk falling apart and losing himself to the vast hole of despair swallowing his heart.
The air in the room changed and their eyes both fell on Sera. He could feel the cold seep into his very bones and the sharp florescent lights seemed to dim. It was like all the warmth and light of the sun had been sucked out of the room and for Jacob and Bella, it had. The only sound was the sharp, gut wrenching sound of a mother's wail as it reverberated and intensified around the small room. Jacob didn't know how to comfort Bella when he had nothing left in himself. Tears streamed steadily down his face. The pit in his stomach seemed to consume him. He didn't notice the group of tearful nurses standing out side the door consoling each other or the doctor slip away to give the news to their friends and family huddled together in the waiting room. It was unnecessary anyway, everyone had heard Bella.
Minutes, hours, days seemed to pass. Time held no concept in his mind anymore. He rhythmically continued to stroke her baby soft curls pinned back with a pink polka dot bow. When his lullabies ran out of words he started them over on a continuous loop. Bella's mournful wail turned into a soft but constant sob yet Jacob sang on. It was as if he could keep her there just a little bit longer, as if he could give her just a little bit more love just as long as he could keep singing.
It would be months and years before he would be able to come to terms with the vast expanse of emotions he was experiencing. He wanted to hate God for trying his faith and causing him so much pain. He wanted to know why his baby? Why not someone else? He hated himself for thinking even for a second that some other family should feel this pain instead. He hated himself even more for feeling a sense of peace and relief that her passing could deliver what he could not, freedom from a burden too big for a little girl to shoulder. He felt like a failure as a protector for not being able to prevent it. He felt helpless that he never even stood a fighting chance. He couldn't stop the flashes of tea parties they'd never have, family trips to Disneyland, first day of school, first date, graduating, moving out, getting married, and having children of her own, things that would never happen. He couldn't stop his heart from feeling the complete and total love for the small body laying between him and his wife. He couldn't control any of it but he found the strength to keep the air pumping through his lungs and back out again, his voice steady and constant, his lips forming the words to sing is baby home.