A/N: I don't own Gossip Girl or Chuck Bass unfortunatly. This is about Blair and Chuck trying to live without each other and how she copes. Read and Review

Dear Chuck,

I know you never get these letters but somehow I can't stop myself from writing them. NYU is getting hard. The books they are giving me have so many big words I had to buy a dictionary. Seems kind of funny to buy a dictionary and a pair of Jimmy Choo's on the same shopping trip. Serena laughed at me and called me a geek.

Speaking of being a geek although it is hard I am loving NYU. More than I thought I would. My first assignment is set. It's on Oscar Wilde. People treat you differently when they see you with an Oscar Wilde book in your hand. They look at you like you are really smart and they are jealous. I kind of like it.

I found my place finally. I am involved with a theatre kids. I am involved in the plays and organising everything. It takes my mind off the fact you left. So much has changed hasn't it? It has been six months, two weeks and four days since you left. I know I am pathetic because you clearly don't care about me at all. Why didn't you say goodbye? You just left a note saying you had to go and that I could do better.

We both know that is utter crap but you are clearly hiding the real reason behind that rubbish. You can be an ass, everyone knows that but you weren't always an ass. Where did that guy go? Why did he go back to the guy who slept with strippers and done drugs? I guess that doesn't matter now. I guess none of it does.

I have run through the events of the week you left over and over every day. I wish I knew what I did to make you leave me. If I knew I could try and make up for it, or at least make peace with myself but instead all I do is try to imagine what I did.

I know it is ridiculous that I am still writing these letters but I hope one day you find one and realise you made a mistake. Of course that will never happen because I am sending them to an empty hotel room that you used to live in. I don't know where you are, I just hope you are safe and happy.

I love you

Blair

Blair slid the letter into the already addressed envelope. Two days after Chuck left she wrote her first letter and sent it. It made her feel instantly better so the next night she wrote another one, and since then it has been her nightly routine to write a letter to Chuck, and post it on her way to class the next morning. She writes it on the best paper, and uses a first class stamp, and seals it with a kiss. She has not told Serena, Nate or even Dorota because they would all think she was mad. They all think she has moved on from Chuck and has forgotten all about him. She painted a smile on her face and pretended she was fine.

The tears stopped after she had written the first letter. She found she was able to put all her hurt and pain into the letters and seal them. She knew she was compartmentalising but if that's what it took to get her out of the bed in the morning then that's what she was going to do. The sad thing is that nobody cares about your broken heart. The only care when you are happy and you really don't need them to care about you.

Blair stood up and wrapped her coat around herself. She wrapped her scarf around her neck. She walked down to the post office, clutching the letter in her hand. She bought one first class stamp and stuck it on before putting it into the post box.

She turned around and walked away, wiping a small tear from her eye as she did.

That was her one hundred and ninety eighth letter. It was sad that she knew that, it was sad that she had written that many letters but that was how she was coping. She would rather be writing letters than lying on the bathroom floor like she was when he first left. She took out her compact and made sure her make-up was perfect. She smoothed down her hair and fixed her hair. It was time for her to go and have lunch with Serena, Nate and Dan. She would smile and act like she was fine because that's what was expected from her. She would make snide comments to Dan, and laugh with Serena because it was expected, because it was polite, because it was what a good Upper East Side Girl did.

She walked into the cafe and spotted Serena and the two boys, and walked over and sat down beside Serena. This was their normal table where they had been sitting at since they were at Constance. Now there was an empty seat where Chuck used to sit. Nobody would mention that fact because they were scared Blair would have a melt-down.

"So I was thinking we have an after-party, after my Mom's benefit" Serena said after greeting Blair "It will liven things up."

"Yeah about that...." Dan interrupted "I have something on that day, I have a hair dressers appointment because I really need my hair cut."

"Uh-oh" Nate whispered to Blair

"Dan you are going, that is final. You are not bailing on me or my Mom. You can bring Olivia or Vanessa, or whoever you want to but you are coming."

Blair smiled "Don't worry Humphrey we will all pretend you are not there anyway so who really cares?"

"Thanks Blair, your love for me is just over whelming."

Nate laughed as Blair gave Dan a sarcastic smile and then went back to ignoring him. She started talking to Serena about plans for the after party. Nobody would ever know the pain she was in or how much she was missing Chuck but that was what she wanted. "So I think a new dress is in order. I have seen a cute one my Mom has in her new collection. I am going to have her fit me for it."

Blair voice sounded flat and she knew it but she hoped nobody else did. At least she wasn't curled up in the foetal position sobbing, that was always a good thing. She would stay in an upright position and put something that resembles a smile onto her face. Serena answered her, and she tried so hard to listen to what she said but Blair got lost in her own head again. She tried not to let this happen but every now and again she slipped back into her own wee world where none of the hurt existed.

"Yeah a shopping trip for shoes is in order too." Serena had learnt to live with the shell Blair had become. She did not ask if she was ok, because Blair would lie and it was easier to let her be numb than watch the harrowing pain that incurred when Blair remember Chuck had left her.

They would go to the party and Blair would get drunk as she always did. Serena would take her home and put her to bed and the next morning pretend it hadn't happened. Chuck destroyed her, he left an empty shell barely living and Serena was trying her hardest to be there for her but it wasn't easy. Serena couldn't go through the pain Blair was going through day after day because it would kill her.

Nate noticed that Blair had spaced out again. He always tried to pull her back to reality but he guessed it was too hard. "Yes because you too really need another pair of shoes. You rival Imelda Marcus!"

"Shoes are the object of the soul" Serena noted

"That makes absolutely no sense what so ever." Dan chimed in "Seriously did you not go to English Class?"

Blair tuned out again. She didn't know how but the next thing she noticed she was back in her dorm room again. That happened a lot. She lost periods of time. Time really had no meaning to her anymore. It was just something that happened. Nothing has any meaning when you have a broken heart.