This side of me
Disclaimer:- Don't own them just borrowing!
Episode:- None
Pairing:- Jean/James
Rating:- M
Achieve:- . /group/lewisffarchive/
Summary:- With him I never have to pretend. I never have to fear the ridicule of showing weakness because he loves me. All of me and that means I can give free expression to this side of me that allows the rest to carry on.
Author's Note:- Song fic to the lyrics of "This side of me" by Savage Garden. Short and smutty so if smuts not your thing stop now you've been warned! Otherwise enjoy and reviews would be lovely!
I want to move in time with you
I want to breathe in rhyme with you
His lips touch mine , tentatively, looking for permission to do this that I've already granted by being here at all. It's a million types of wrong to let this happen and yet I can't stop myself. I want this more than I've wanted anything or anyone in so long. I want to be completely lost in him, to show him and let him show me, what it feels like to be desired, needed, wanted in a way that unlocks those parts of me I try to keep hidden.
I want to feel the deepest kiss
I want to know you feel like this.
I've taken control my fingers running over the short hairs along his hairline as I pull him closer deepening the kiss. The quiet groan he gives against my lips sets me alight as I feel him lose himself in how we are together. This is a pleasure I rarely allow us to indulge in but which so often I can't resist. Sometimes when the rest of the world is closing in on me, when I've had to spend too much time in control, too much time pretending nothing affects me I need this. I need him. I need to feel the desire in the urgency of his kiss and the mutual longing in the way his hands can't seem to remain still on my body.
For this one time, one time let me body do what it feels
For this one time, one time, let this fantasy be real.
"Will you stay?" He always asks even when every action I've undertaken since he opened the door tells him I'm here to stay. I'm here to steal a few hours away from the me that everyone but him knows. For the next few hours I'm his. My body, my need for him, my desire to have him make my every fantasy come true is all his.
"If you'll let me. I need you James but you know you can always tell me to go. That's the deal remember?" When this stated I told him it could never be more than it is. Much as I may want to I could never be completely his. For that reason he has all the control, it's how it has to be, he can say stop at any time and I'll have to live without these diversions, without those times with him that have become my salvation.
Because I am not afraid to let you see this side of me
Only he ever sees this vulnerability in me and only he is able to bring it out so acutely. For him I want to be vulnerable. For him I want to be someone still capable of love, capable of desire, capable of giving up.
"One day you'll realise I couldn't tell you to go even if I wanted to. I'll take what you can give me and be grateful for it. That's the deal here whether you accept that or not." His lips are on mine again as if to seal some unspoken bargain. A contract that's different on both sides but no less binding for either of us.
I want to feel your hand in mine
And I want to feel that rush down my spine
Words are no longer necessary as he takes my hand in his leading me the few steps from the hallway to the bedroom and that simple contact of his skin with mine makes my heart race at the memories of times past and the anticipation of what's to come.
The change of location is like a switch being flicked and before I have time to think again he's taken control, he's captured my lips with his, my body with his hands and my soul with his desire for me. This is the point at which I know, like him. I could never give this up. I could never lose the surge of adrenalin, the explosion of passion, the electrifying of every nerve and the intoxicating tingle down my spine.
I want to wear the scent of you
And do all the things you want me to.
The way he hungrily undresses me barely giving me time to keep up is like the most enthralling form of mind control. The way he seems to worship and adore every part of my body, his desire to brand me forever as his evident is addictive I could happily replay this moment over and over.
"Jean you've no idea how hard it's been for me this last few days knowing how much you've been struggling and not being able to hold you and make you feel better." I know what he means and as we finally make it onto the bed a tangle of limbs and heated kisses I know this is what I've been craving. A week of terrible cases, too much station politics and feeling like I always have to be the bad guy have left me drained, left me desperate to feel like there's more to me than an uptight pen pushing ex-proper police officer. "Do you trust me?"
"you know I do." The answer escapes my lips without me giving it permission because it could never be a different reply. I do trust him I will trust him until the day I die.
"Then let me take it all away. Let me make you stop caring even if it's only for a few hours." He's staring at me again waiting; gentlemanly doesn't even begin to describe him. I know though that will only last until the final nod he's waiting for.
"You're the only one who'd ever been able to take the rest of the world away," Permission granted he sets about his mission as I drink in the soft scent of aftershave and cigarettes that is completely him. It's the smell that pervades my mind when we're supposed to be working, when he stands too close and suddenly my mind is no longer on murder but on a completely different crime. The crime of what he can do to me just from the memory of the situation I love to be in when he marks me with that scent and it kills me to wash it away.
He's completely in control now as I bite gently on my bottom lip in an effort not to cry out to beg him to stop his languid appreciation of my body and actually make love to me. Instead he's covering every inch of my body with heated touches and searing kisses leaving no part of me untouched as he tells me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me.
I'm not afraid to let you see this side of me
I need this side of me
Finally as he completes his mission and has turned me into a puddle of desire and longing his body blankets mine our eyes fuse and he watches my every reaction as he glides into me. When it comes to stripping away the outer me, the front, the façade this is the moment he truly shatters it into a million pieces. Now I'm nothing but his lover, all other sides of me have gone. I am just his.
"Let go for me Jeanie let me see it. Let me see that pleasure only I can give you." His words are my final undoing. The tingling starts at the tips of my fingers crashing over me in a tsunami of ecstasy that crashes through every muscle and nerve in its wake. Clinging to him like he's a life raft in my turbulent sea of pleasure I feel him bury his head in my shoulder and I know he's close. I know he needs his release as much as I needed mine and it doesn't take long for him to get it. As he cried my name falling into my arms I pepper his face with small loving kisses.
"I love you." The words are barely a whisper and his reply that he loves me too is equally quiet but that doesn't stop it being the final piece of the puzzle. It's the reason I will always turn up here when the days are long and the events too stressful. It's the reason I know I can trust him with my vulnerability, my quiet needs, my unspoken desires. It's the reason I can't give it up any more than he can. He reminds me what it's like to truly give yourself to someone completely because you know they'll hold your heart with care and always be the person you can show all of yourself too. With him I never have to pretend. I never have to fear the ridicule of showing weakness because he loves me. All of me and that means I can give free expression to this side of me that allows the rest to carry on.