Backtrack
by the mighty mighty m
disclaimer: Ryuzaki Sakuno isn't mine. and I wouldn't take her if she were offered. which she wouldn't be, because I am a nobody.
Ryuzaki Sakuno hates gravity. Hates the way each step is an accident waiting to happen, the way she stumbles when she felt someone watching her, how her head always feels so heavy when she needs to look someone in the eye. Yes, gravity made her feel ashamed. But what Sakuno hates most about it was that it had not always been that way.
When she dreams, she is underwater. Cool aquamarine sweeps along her body as she propels herself forward with strong strokes and fierce kicks, braids wrapped around her head as her arms slice through the water on either side. Quick, gasping breaths as she cuts through the water, followed by the gulp of air at the end of each lap before she flips around, the momentum of her feet pushing off the side creating strange eddies that ripple against her before being left in her wake, along with her opponents. She surfaces, and the dream starts to drift away, but not before she hears 'Ryuzaki Sakuno' announced in first place.
Sakuno wakes up, but not in the small bedroom she had been sleeping in since coming to live with her grandmother. No, she opens her eyes to see papery blinds and feeling the firm flatness of an exam table under her. It is two years ago but the passage of time hasn't dulled her memory or her pain. There is her father, stern and proud as he nods grimly. There is her mother, fretful and sympathetic as she glances over at Sakuno and just as quickly looks away. And there is her doctor, his voice steady as he tells her parents that it would be better if Ryuzaki Sakuno quit the swim team, as well as avoiding swimming as much as possible. The silence that follows is only broken by a soft sound from Sakuno, barely more than an exhale, but the pain behind it is as loud as any wail.
Sakuno wakes up, this time the familiar sight of her ceiling. Rising out of bed, her legs tangle in the covers, pulling her to the ground with an undignified 'whump'. She lies there on the floor, her eyes watering not from the pain, but from the past.
A hot tear slides down her cheek and she angrily wipes it away, hating how weak she's become, not in body but in spirit. All through primary school, up until the fifth grade, she'd been on the swim team, improving every year until she'd been considered a bit of a prodigy. Beautiful form in concert with frightening speed pushed her up the ranks, and as Sakuno's swimming grew stronger, so did her confidence. She was good, and she knew it. She didn't hesitate to express her opinion, she knew it was worthwhile because she was worthwhile.
The headaches started several months before her tenth birthday. They became more and more intense, but gradually, so slowly that Sakuno rarely noticed them worsening. In fact, at first she didn't even classify them as headaches, as they had neither the sharp, stabbing pain of a migraine, nor the more common dull throbbing of an ordinary headache. Instead Sakuno felt an intense pressure, pressing along the sides of her head and at the start of her spine. Ryuzaki Sakuno is strong though, that's what she reminded herself everyday when she woke up feeling like she had her head clamped in a vice-grip.
It wasn't until late in the season that others learned of her predicament, though the headaches had become so painful that she felt as though she was walking around with constant tunnel vision. It was one of the last meets before the swimming season ends, and Sakuno was too focused, too dedicated, and too stubborn to stay on the sidelines. She launched herself off the starting block, her arms slipping into the familiar motions of the Freestyle, her favorite stroke. In the water she pretended that as she moved forward she left behind the pain that had been her companion for nearly five months. She ended the race in second place by less than a second, and as her head surfaced she could see her
cheering teammates. 'It's strange though,' Sakuno thought as she pulled herself from the pool, 'they seem so quiet...' Black dots swam in her vision, her body swayed, then she fell forward, silently, unable to hear the concerned cries that were shouted to her.
Sakuno came to in a pale green room that she recognized as belonging to her doctor's office. Her hair was still wet and pinned in a circlet around her head, underneath the stiff hospital gown she was still wearing her swimsuit. The door opened and Dr. Kikuno entered, Mr. and Mrs. Ryuzaki filing in behind him. The way her doctor nervously cleared his throat and how his eyebrows twitched down into a slight frown told Sakuno without words that she was not going to like whatever news he had.
"Ryuzaki Sakuno, you have put yourself in quite a predicament. Now, I've gathered some information from my examination when you arrived, but what would really be helpful would be if you could talk to me about how you've been feeling lately."
"I... I have headaches."
"Headaches? How long have you been having them?"
"Since... Since October, I think."
"October! And you told no one!"
"I didn't think they were important. They didn't hurt very much at first and I had to focus on the team."
"They didn't hurt at first? How did they feel?"
"Well, not really like a headache. It was more like how you feel pressure when you're in really deep water."
"So they increased in pressure until they were painful?"
"Yes."
"Do you have a headache right now, Miss Ryuzaki?"
"A bit... Not as bad as earlier."
"Could you point to where it hurts?" Sakuno smoothed her hands from her temples, behind her ears to meet at her nape. Dr. Kikuno did some 'hmmm'ing and 'eh'ing before coming to a conclusion. "I thought as much. It seems, Miss Ryuzaki, that you are suffering from complications of Swimmers' Ear."
"But I always do my drops!"
"It isn't always that easy. Some people are just naturally more susceptible to Swimmers' Ear than others. Anyway, your eardrums have been severely stressed, and the headaches are the result. Now, while I can give you some antibiotic-steroid drops to clear up the infection, you're going to have to think more long term to stay healthy."
"Okay, what should I be thinking?" Dr. Kikuno pressed his lips together, clearly uncomfortable with what he was about to say.
"You need to quit the swim team."
"What? I can't do that! We still have two more meets and I have to swim for next year, I just have to!"
"Sakuno, calm down! Dr. Kikuno is only telling you what's best for your health," chided her father, his face still set in stern lines. "Don't worry Dr. Kikuno, we'll make sure she quits."
"Actually, it would be best if she avoided swimming altogether."
"But- I can't- for how long?" Her doctor gave her another thin-lipped look, not looking her in the eye as he answered.
"For the foreseeable future."
"You mean... Like forever?"
"Forever is a long time, Ryuzaki Sakuno."
She let out a small whimper, unable to look at her parents. She just stared at her knees as they assured the doctor that they would make sure Sakuno followed his instructions, and that they would call the school to remove Sakuno from the swim team immediately. She let her parents guide her out to the car, her vacant eyes zombie-like as they drove home.
They arrived home, and sure enough her father headed straight for the phone. Sakuno quickly ran to her room so she didn't have to hear his words, but the click when he hung up seemed deafening. It was at that sound that she started to cry, tears rolling down her impassive face. She was running on autopilot, picking out a set of clean pajamas and walking down the hall to the bathroom. She locked the door, set down her clothes, and turned on the shower before accessing her reflection in the large mirror over the sink.
One girl, short and slim. Two eyes, a little too large but with long lashes. One nose, small and pointed. A pair of lips, slightly arched at the top and full on the bottom. Sakuno chewed on the aforementioned lip thoughtfully, her hands unpinning her hair automatically. She gently pulled her braids loose, finger-combing her long hair absentmindedly. Just before she slipped out of her swimsuit, someone knocked on the door. Sakuno let out what could only called an almost snarl as she opened the door.
"Sakuno-chan, you forgot these," explained her mother, holding up a pair of neon orange earplugs.
"Yeah. Forgot." She grabbed the earplugs and ducked back inside the bathroom, gently shutting the door. 'Might as well,' she thought, putting in the earplugs after she stripped off her suit. The water was pleasant, warm and clean, but all she could think about was the over-chlorinated, unheated pool that she had practiced in for so many years. As though she was trying to escape that memory, Sakuno got clean in record time, despite having to wash her waist-long hair. wrapping it up in a towel to dry, she dressed and returned to her room. Her parents didn't bother with making her come to dinner, letting her cry herself to sleep without interruption.
The next day of school was the hardest, by then everyone had heard that Ryuzaki Sakuno, one of their star swimmers, had collapsed at the most recent meet. It was easy for Sakuno to spot her former teammates, as they were the only ones not whispering behind their hands while staring at her. No, they didn't stare, they just refused to look at her, which was ten times worse. All Sakuno could think was 'school is almost over, I just have to hold on for a couple more months.' And those months were hard, even though she was no longer number one gossip topic, she still got the cold shoulder from most of the swim team. 'It isn't fair,' she thought, 'I didn't do anything wrong... did I?' But as the months passed she grew less and less sure of herself.
Imagine a girl with a talent. Imagine this girl is praised and supported because of this talent. Now add five years. The girl is older, the talent grown stronger, the support rock solid. Now subtract the talent. Then subtract the support. What is the total sum? One girl, suddenly friendless, without anything to prove her worth. Lost. Ryuzaki Sakuno was that girl by the end of fifth grade.
Sakuno's parents weren't sure what to do with their daughter. She wasn't depressed, just... quiet. It wasn't as though she used to chatty, but she did look you in the eye and spoke clearly. None of the stammering shyness she had seemed to gain overnight after her removal from the swim team. They did not ask themselves 'did we do the right thing?' because they knew they had. What they were asking was 'what are we going to do with this girl?' It was Mr. Ryuzaki who first thought of his mother, living just a prefecture away in Tokyo.
"A change of scene?" asked Mrs. Ryuzaki.
"Yes. A fresh start, if you will. And I can't think of a better person to draw Sakuno out of her shell than Okaasan."
"But... When would she go? What about school?"
"The sooner the better. All she's doing is wallowing in her misery here. She needs new sights, new memories to help her let go of the bad ones." Mr. Ryuzaki had gotten progressively more excited at his idea, but his wife interrupts him before he can go further.
"School?" Mr. Ryuzaki had to noticeably drag himself back to the conversation to answer her.
"She can attend one there. God knows Tokyo has more than enough."
It took several weeks of concentrated persuasion, but in the end all the details had been worked out to everyone's' satisfaction. Everyone's' except Sakuno, because she didn't know there was a plan. But did that really matter? After all, when she was told over dinner that she would be going on a trip, her only response was a quiet "Hai" before she left the table to clean the dishes.
And so it was, a month into the summer vacation, that Ryuzaki Sakuno climbed aboard the Higashi-Kanto Expressway, her bags packed for an indefinite stay.