"yer a wizard Harry"a gruff man stood in the door way his beard ragged and unkempt, with beady black eyes and legs like tree trunks stood an absolute giant of a man, jacked and tan with a juicy smedium tee adorning his torso he was easily 7 feet in height." but Mr hagrid sir... Im not a wizard im just harry, little no gains harry." the large man chuckled "well just harry... you're a wizard and a skinnier one i aint never seen. We'll get that sorted at hogwarts school of mingecraft and jizzardry. As the great dumbelldore says 'Swole is the goal! size is the prize! It's gains o'clock just harry! Let's gooooo!" and with that the they left the old run down shack. The muggles stood in astonished silence awed by what had happened dudley sat in stunned silence... Just Harry's life would be changed forever.
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"but Mr hagrid sir where will we be able to find all these things?" hagrid glanced at just harry before continuing his reps curling out 120s like a freak monster "never interrupt a gym bro during his set just harry, the pumps not for chumps and these gains are made for operation penetration, do you want a sick juicy pump?!" harry smiled slightly before saying "well golly gosh Mr hagrid id love to make hearts stop and knickers drop but my bis aren't swole af" hagrid smiled and clapped just harry on the back "biagon alley will be the answer to everything but first, an introduction to the glorious house of gains."
And so to biagon alley they went, smedium vneck tees hugging their arms as the searched for everything they'd need for the young and not so swole just harry.
"Mr shagrid sir, those guys arent swole!" indeed biagon alley was full of non lifters. "aye just harry, these wizards spend more time polishing their wands than they do training arms." just harry was shocked, they had as little gains as he did! "how will I pay for everything hagrid? I've got no gains and no cash!" hagrid chuckled as he flexed his arms. "gaingotts bank harry, didnt think your parents left you nothing did you?"
"... You know what in vault 713" the goblin carefully read over the letter. "very well, i will have someone take you down to both vaults. Griphook!'
Griphook was yet another goblin. Once Hagrid had placed his protein shake back inside his pockets, he and Harry followed Griphook towards one of the doors leading off the hall.
'What's the You-Know-What in vault seven hundred and thirteen?' Harry asked. 'Can't tell yeh that you ain't swole enough ,' said Hagrid. Harry nodded his head "just you wait Mr hagrid sir, ill be drinking shakes and lifting weights, be gettin pecs and havin sex." hagrid smiled as he clapped harry on the shoulder. They both stepped into the cart and headed underground.
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"im not feelin too great just harry, need mesel a drink, you don't mind gettin your stuff without me do ya?"
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"well?! Give it a wave!" kaboom! "no no definitely not! Try this one, Holly and phoenix feather." Harry made a face "no thanks, its too girly, i want a big wand!" and so the search began anew, "fairy dust and periwinkle wood, kitten fur and birch, dragon shit and oak...Ahhhh here we are, rhino horn and gorilla bone! 9 1/2 inches and particularly good for the engorgio charm" Harry's eyes lit up "ill take that one! Were they magical?" olivander smiled "the magickest of all rhino and gorilla's. Well! Gave it a wave!" Harry raised the wand and flicked it, immediately gym equipment appeared with loud pops, wands grew muscley arms and began flexing and books began attempting to Deadlift the random tiny barbells scattered about the new gymnasium that had been created." its perfect!" ollivander looked towards him mysteriously "it's funny, that wand has no correlation to the man that gave you that scar... We can expect non terrible things from you Mr Potter, after all HE was terrible AND great..." 7 galleons poorer but one groovy wand richer Harry left with a smile on his face... And a question on the tip of his tongue...
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"got ya a present just harry, it's a flying dumbell, it'll grow as it gets older, i thought yad like it"
"gee wiz Mr hagrid sir that sure is swell! I'll be swole in no time!" and so Harry and hagrid walk off into the sunset, a little 5kg dumbell fluttering behind them. Her name? Henchwig.
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" hagrid... Who have me this scar?" hagrid looked around warily before leaning close and whispering" there was a wizard harry, he went as bad as you could go, began doing crossfit and became vegan" Harry looked on in horror "but hagrid! You don't get gains like that!" hagrid looked him square in the eye and said "that's just it Harry, this wizard used dark rituals to make gains whilst acting like a little bitch. He killed your parents too but here's the mystery, that night he went to kill both yer mum an dad an you Harry, yet he couldn't. Didn't have the grip strength to hold his wand i reckon. You were the only one to survive just harry."
" What was his name hagrid? "
" swoldemort"
Hagrid took a deep breath before continuing "some say he's dead he couldn't handle high intensity power lifts and just shrivelled to nothing... Not me I think he's out there, somewhere a shade of a real lifter. His little skinny arms going to snap city as he bides his time doin muscle ups... "