AN: This hasn't been beta-read so feel free to point out any mistakes you may find. Also I don't own anything recognisable, I just borrow them for a while and break their little fictional hearts. No profit is being made from this and no copyright infringement is intended.
The last few months had been hard for one Harry Potter. He had survived the war but not intact. He hardly felt whole these days. So many lives had been lost, it was difficult to comprehend. Almost everyone Harry knew had lost someone close to them, himself included. How did one move on from such countless, needless death? How did one recover from the horrors witnessed in war?
These were the kinds of questions that plagued Harry as he lay awake at night alone in his bed. Six months later and he still couldn't get the images of all the dead out of his mind. Six months later and he was still waking up drenched in sweat, screaming out as he witnessed His snake sink its fangs into the neck of the man he loved.
That image kept him awake at night.
Not many people knew that Harry had been secretly dating Severus Snape, potions master and Professor at Hogwarts School. In fact Harry had only ever told his best friend Hermione, and that was only because she practically threw herself at him in her grief when Ron left them while they were off evading capture and trying to hunt down impossible to find horcruxes. He had no idea if Ron knew or not before the battle.
Initially Harry kept his relationship with his professor a secret because he was still technically underage and the last thing he wanted was for Severus to lose his job. Then it became imperative to maintain their secret in order to stay alive, for if certain people found out, they would surely use the knowledge against them in some way.
Tonight, in an attempt to stave off the nightmares, Harry once again found himself pacing the halls of Hogwarts, where he had returned to finish his education for lack of a better thing to do. NEWT lessons also proved to be a good distraction as the work was difficult enough to require almost all of his attention and that left little space in his mind for anything else other the not so occasional thoughts of his now ex-professor.
As was not that uncommon, Harry wandered aimlessly for a while until he realised that he was in the dungeons, headed for Severus's old quarters. Usually at this point he would swiftly about-turn and head back up to his common room but on this occasion, Harry kept walking and gave the crazy old suit of armour the password to the chamber he was guarding.
The suit of armour studied him for a while with as much suspicion as confusion – if such emotions were at all possible for a suit of armour – before it finally allowed Harry into the rooms he had visited too many times to count. Walking through the newly formed hole in the wall, it quickly became apparent that not even the house-elves had ventured in here for quite some time. It was clear that the rooms had been empty for many months, probably even for a few months before the final battle.
To Harry, though, it felt almost like coming home. Everything was just the way he remembered it being the last time he was here, which saddened him to think was over a year ago now. It even smelt the same, though the air did have a slightly mustier tang to it now.
Flicking his wand a couple of times got rid of the lingering dust, had the damp and must banished from the room and had a fire roaring in the hearth. Suddenly feeling quite exhausted, Harry dropped onto the couch and wrapped himself up in the warm blanket that, since he started visiting, and invariably ended up falling asleep here, was always draped over its back.
Inhaling deeply, Harry could smell the lingering scent of his once hated, but now much loved, and dearly missed, professor. He had to blink rapidly to dispel the tears that threatened to fall as he refused to succumb to his depressing thoughts. This had always been a happy place for Harry and he refused to let to become anything else; it was for that reason that he had avoided visiting for so long.
As he reminisced about the happier times he had spent here with his lover, like the day they became lovers for the first time, Harry let his eyes wander around the room. It was then that he noticed there was something wedged between two books on the shelf next to the mantle. Getting up to investigate, Harry found it to be a still sealed letter, one, that upon closer inspection, was addressed to himself in Severus Snape's elegant penmanship.
With no small amount of trepidation Harry returned to the couch and once more bundled himself up in the large blanket before cautiously breaking the seal on the folded parchment.
It took him several minutes to work up the courage to unfold the letter and several more to actually begin to read what was written.
Dearest Harry,
Normally I find I loathe the sentiment in these kinds of letters but tonight, the night we finally gave ourselves to each other, I find myself needingto write you a letter should the worst happen.
Harry found himself struggling to breath as it became apparent exactly what he'd just found.
As I sit here writing this anomalous missive you are asleep on the bed behind me and I am feeling oddly calmed by your simple rhythmic breathing. To hear you breath is a wonderful sound, and it is my dearest wish that you may survive this coming war with your breath intact. I am unable to find the same faith that you seem to have in abundance that I may be graced with the same fortune, and I have come to believe that this is a war I shall not be seeing the end of.
Harry's breath stuttered and tears were once again pressing at the back of his eyelids as he understood the certainty that was woven into that one sentence. Opening his eyes, he forced himself to continue reading and ignore the pain deep in his heart.
I know the thought pains you greatly but my life is in the hands of a mad man, who cares little for the life of anyone but himself, and an imprudent old fool, more concerned with "the greater good"than any one life; and I am not such a fool as to believe that I can survive as a spy for long in this world. Know this, though, I shall never go down without a fight, but should it come to it I'll gladly give my life should my death save yours.
I suspect you would never forgive yourself and would forever blame yourself if I were to die but I assure you now that it is my choice and given the chance I'll always choose you over myself. I ask you only to promise me one thing in such a case; do not allow me to die in vain. Do not wallow in your guilt and grief and allow my sacrifice to become meaningless. Do something with your life, Harry, It truly doesn't matter what, just live your life the best way you know how, that's all I ask.
I know you may be surprised to hear me say I care more for your life than I do my own, (I can only offer you my sincerest apology if I went to my grave without telling you just how much you really do mean to me) and I have a confession to make on that front; you scare me Harry. No one has ever made me feel even a half of what I feel for you and honestly that terrifies me. You are my one weakness Harry, the chink in my armour, as it were. My greatest fear is that the Dark Lord, or even Dumbledore, may one day discover what you mean to me and be able to use that against us, so I hide my feelings from everyone; even you, I fear. I could never forgive myself if anything were to ever happen to you because of me.
The tears were quietly pouring down Harry's face now. He had always known that Severus cared but was never sure to quite what extent. It was just typical of the man he knew to keep quiet, to keep everything to himself, until the final hour. He was right though, people would – did – use their feelings against them when they were discovered in the final days of the war. Harry trying to save Severus was what had started the final battle.
I have considered pushing you away from the danger that being by my side puts you in but I have discovered recently that I am a selfish man and I cannot bring myself to live without you, and as much as I may wish to wrap you up and protect you from the horrors of this world, you'd never thank me for that.
"No, Severus, I would never thank you for that in a million years," Harry thought. "I'm so glad you decided to be selfish."
My only option I have concluded is to stand by you and hope against all odds that by the end of the war we are still standing together.
Harry, you are my reason for living, my reason for getting out of bed every day. You mean more to me than anythingon this earth and truly I do love you with all of my heart and soul. You are the only goodness in my life and I long to see this war behind us all so that I may be free to sit on the proverbial porch swing, surrounded by laughter and love, and grow old with you. I can see you with many children and one day I would love for nothing more than to be able to fulfil that wish of yours, if I may. To live to a ripe old age together blessed with many children and grandchildren; if only fate would be so kind.
"If only, my love, if only…"
You look after yourself now, you hear me? And when the dust finally settles and everyone accepts that honestly you really aren't all that interested in chasing after bad guys having had one chasing after you most of your life, I know you'll make an excellent healer. Just approach it with the same determination you do everything else and you'll do just fine, even in potions.
Harry felt his heart shatter, he had never told anyone he had no desire to become an auror anymore. His tears were now making it very hard for him to make out the last few words elegantly scrawled on the bottom of the parchment.
Stay strong my love, I have faith in you, even if no one else does; especially if no one else does. You can achieve anything you set your mind to and I know you'll make the world a better place – you make mine brighter everyday just by being there.
All my love to you always, my dearest Harry.
S. Snape
Having gotten to the end, Harry clutched the letter to his heart and let his grief pour out through his tears. He missed his Severus very much and instead of it getting better with time, as everyone predicted, it only hurt more the more time passed.
Eventually Harry became too exhausted to even cry and as he slipped out of consciousness, he could almost swear he felt Severus tuck the blanket tighter around his shoulders and place a warm kiss to his forehead.
That was the last thought his brain nearly managed to process as sleep finally claimed Harry Potter.
AN2: I'll leave it up to you to decide if Harry just imagined Severus being there or not. Please let me know what you thought - if you want to that is :)