AN: Hello, all. Here is yet another character study on Felicity. I do not have a problem. I swear.
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She knows what it is to be powerless. It's knowing in the back of your mind that fathers aren't supposed to do this. It's being told that it's your fault. It's being too afraid to speak up, and even when you do no one believes you.
She wants to know what power tastes like. She wants to see what is so amazing that it makes fathers do horrible things. She wants to know, because then she'll be able to understand. She's taking a chance on the idea that it's not because she's evil, that it might be her father's fault. But she doesn't truly believe that. She knows that at the base of her tarnished soul, she is unlovable and there's nothing more to it.
But maybe that's not true. The only way to find out is to gather her own power, keep it close and protected. When she has more power than her father ever had, she will know once and for all if she is evil.
The girls at Spence worship her, and that's nice. But it's artificial power. It can be taken away with one scandal, one rumor, one missed word in French. It's not good enough. She needs more.
She finds it in a pair of violet eyes, and then again in a pair of dark ones. Ithal loves her; he will do anything for her even when she leaves his heart torn up on the roadside. She dances on his tears and then tries to make him cry again. It's intoxicating to know that he's thinking of her while she is talking to Cecily about the newest style of hat.
But Pippa, beautiful, wonderful, lovely Pippa, is something else. She doesn't want to hurt Pippa and see if the other girl will scream or flinch away. She wants something else. She wants to be equal with Pippa, or very nearly so. It never hurts to have the upper hand. But she wants one thing in her life to not be about her father. Pippa gives her that, something that is completely right and pure. Sisters, forever and always.
She feels loved for the first time she can remember. She wants to stay like this forever. But then the new girl comes, and Gemma positively reeks of power. She uncovers the reality behind it and knows that if she were like Gemma Doyle, then she would never have to worry about power again. She could be safe, could know if she was something horrible and unclean underneath the perfume and pretty dresses. By this point, she even dares to dream that she is halfway worthy of Pippa.
But it's too much for her. Her plan doesn't work, and she loses the one thing that ever mattered. Pippa's aura of love is sealed away forever under cold dirt, a gorgeous ring the final bitter reminder that Pippa was never really hers to lose.
So she turns back to Ithal, turns back to hunting to learn again about power. She crows in triumph when her arrow strikes true. And she laughs when a beautiful boy pants sweet words under a full moon.
She takes her love where she can get it.
Fin
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