*Edit – Since chapters 1-5 were written in 2016, I'll be updating them slightly to accommodate for the approach I've decided to take, now that I've continued the story after over two years.
This is my first story after about a year of not writing much at all. This idea has been on my mind for quite some time now and is based solely on my own experience. Eating disorders manifest differently in every individual.
This chapter is very short but other chapters will definitely be longer. Also, the first three chapters are written in the second person, or "you" point-of-view. This is to set the tone for the story. If this perspective bothers you, simply skip to chapter four for the third-person point-of-view. The story should still make sense.
Trigger warnings: mental illness/recovery, eating disorders, mentions of suicide, strong language. Please do not read if any of these might trigger you.
Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds, or any of its characters (sadly!).
Please read and review! I really appreciate it!
It is a strange feeling, hating yourself. It is exactly like having an inner demon, constantly nit-picking at every little thing you do. Every mistake you make.
You gained a pound yesterday. A whole pound. Your inner self screamed in anguish as you looked at the scales, the tiny arrow treacherously inching towards the '115' mark. You had clenched your fists so tight that your knuckles had turned white. You had wanted to cry. You had wanted to scream. It was weird how such a tiny thing could make you feel like the world was ending. Or how you wanted it to end.
The voice had gotten worse lately. The inner monologue that had convinced you that food was your only enemy long ago. It was back now, stronger than it had ever been before.
You were surprised that your coworkers hadn't noticed anything at all yet. You had lost ten pounds in two weeks – much faster than the countless books and websites had recommended. Instead, they complimented you. Probably the worst thing that they could have done. They only fuelled the fire. The fire that had been dwindling since you were just twelve-years-old. It was now fully lit and as big and as dangerous as ever, causing havoc on your health.
You didn't care about that though. Your only thought anymore was food. What will you have for lunch? Will you skip dinner again? Did you have breakfast? How will you avoid going out for drinks after the case is over again?
Your inner demon never left you alone. It made looking in mirrors a nightmare. The distorted view that you had of yourself filled up the entire room. The demon was almost similar to a dark and gloomy cloud that followed you around with a never ending pouring rain. You despised the demon. You thought it had been defeated when you were seventeen-years-old, but you knew deep down that it had never left. You knew the minute you had started dieting that it was back out of hiding. It was back with such force and power, insisting on going by one name, and one name only.
Anorexia Nervosa.