Five Times Mulder Never Told Scully He Loved Her
'Cause we have spoken everything,
Everything short of 'I love you'
I.
"Hey Scully." He greeted her at his door, moving aside to allow her inside. "What brings you here this sunny summer weekend?"
She grinned at him as she entered. "Just thought I'd make sure you know that you can't get rid of me easily."
"Of course not." He agreed with a nod, a smile in his eyes.
"You're not busy, are you?" She asked him, suddenly feeling worried. She had come unannounced, and she didn't want to bother him.
"No. C'mon, take a seat." He motioned to his couch and sat down. She followed suit.
They sat in silence for a few moments as she excitedly played with the buttons of her shirt, her gaze lowered. He had never seen her like this before.
"What's wrong, Scully?"
"Nothing, Mulder. Really. I actually came here because I have a surprise for you." She explained.
"Ooh, Scully, did you bring me a little grey man?" He joked.
"Mulder…" She shook her head, but couldn't hide her laughter. "It's nothing that ridiculous."
"Then what is it?"
Her smile brightened as she pulled out two tickets. "I've got tickets to the Yankees game."
Mulder looked at her in surprise. "You're kidding!"
"It's this Sunday. I won the tickets, but I know no one will enjoy it as much as you. Want to come with?"
"Of course!" Mulder was grinning from ear-to-ear. Scully watched him with amazement and smiled back. He was like a child sometimes.
"Have you ever been to a game before, Scully?"
"No. I guess you'll have make sure I have an amazing time, or I'm writing baseball off forever." Scully joked.
Mulder took a closer look at the tickets. "Front row seats? God, Scully, I love you!"
Mulder stopped himself short, realizing what he had just said. He shifted uncomfortably but made no move to look Scully in the eye.
She studied him before finding herself laughing quietly to herself.
"Is it really that funny, Scully?" He mumbled, still unable to look at her.
"Just a bit." She admitted, before placing a light peck on his cheek. She headed for the door before turning around.
"I'll pick you up at 6 tomorrow night, alright? And if you really love me, you'll be ready on time."
And with that, she was out the door.
II.
Why is it so much easier for you to run around trying to get even than just expressing to her how you feel? I expect more from you. Dana expects more.
It had been years earlier that Scully's (Dana…) sister had spoken these words to him, but they still rang true. He still wasn't strong enough. He still didn't know how to love her.
Not even now, while she is lying in a hospital bed, her life slipping away. He has to look away from the sight. The cancer is killing her; the end is nearing. That much is clear.
He wants to try to make it all right. At least before she's gone. But it hurts to even think that way. How can he simply accept that there is nothing else he can do to save her?
He's been running away from his own life for as long as he could remember, and now he's forgotten what he really wants.
He wants so badly for her to open her eyes. If only she would look into his one last time. Just one more time. He would say the words he's bottled up for ages. He would finally let go and give in. He wouldn't let it draw on his breath, wouldn't let it crush his courage ever again.
He wants to pick her up, take her out of this cold, sterile hospital room, and never turn back. This would be the last time they ever sell their souls. The last time they let themselves be manipulated.
But she doesn't open her eyes. She doesn't stir. So he knots his fingers through hers and kisses her forehead gently.
"I love you, Dana. Please don't leave me."
(And he whispers the only thing he knows.)
III.
She's standing there, in his doorway, shattering his world into pieces.
"You don't need me, Mulder. You never have. I've just held you back." He can't help but hear a twinge of guilt in her words.
She walks out his door, but something pushes him after her. He is not going to let her leave without a fight. (And suddenly he realizes that if she left, he would miss their arguments. He would miss her stubbornness. He would miss her.)
He races after her. "You want to tell yourself that so you can quit with a clear conscience, you can, but you're wrong!"
She turns on her heels, energized and enraged. She's just as scared as he is.
"Why did they assign me to you in the first place, Mulder? To debunk your work, to rein you in, to shut you down." He watches as she skilfully places all of the blame on herself. In one swift motion, she re-writes their history. He can't believe that she doesn't realize how important she is to him. He can't understand how she just can't see…
It is only now that the words tumble out. He has no more control. He only wants her back. "But you saved me! As difficult and as frustrating as it's been sometimes, your goddamned strict rationalism and science have saved me a thousand times over! You've kept me honest...you've made me a whole person." He watches her tremble in front of him and wants so desperately for it to stop.
"I owe you everything Scully, and you owe me nothing."
She looks up at him in shock, tears filling her eyes. He needs to tell her everything; he needs to come clean. He's so close…
"I don't know if I want to do this alone...I don't even know if I can." He has never been this honest to anyone before, not even himself. "And if I quit now, they win."
Before he can react, she's crashing into him, her tears surging anew. He wraps his arms around her, hoping it will be enough. But he knows it never will be. She pulls him close toward herself, placing a gentle kiss on his forehead. She hopes it will be enough. But he knows it never will be.
He pulls her face back and levels her eyes with his. He watches her every move, every emotion etched on her face. He leans in to her and all he can do is wonder why it took him so long.
As his lips touch hers he can feel her body melt into his touch. He pulls her closer in his embrace, never wanting to let go. Her hand caresses his face and somehow, it all seems so familiar. Everything has fallen into place.
He's free.
She reluctantly breaks away, studying him once more. She is looking for answers. She needs them so that she can move forward. With him.
He doesn't hesitate. "I love you, Scully."
She smiles, the tears still staining her cheeks. "I think you can call me Dana now…"
He wants to laugh or cry, but instead, she pulls him into another kiss.
IV.
"What is it, Mulder?" Scully walks up to her partner, somewhat irritated. "You could have at least told me why you wanted to meet at this park in the middle of the night."
"Watch this, Scully." Mulder throws a tennis ball into the dark night.
"What are you doing?" Scully is obviously confused.
A few seconds later, the ball is lying at Mulder's feet along with a small midnight-black puppy.
Mulder kneels down to pat the dog appreciatively on its head. "Scully, meet Spooky."
Scully is far more elated than Mulder could have predicted, and now all of her attention is on the dog.
"I can't believe this. You got a puppy, Mulder?"
"No."
Mulder waits until she is looking at him once again.
"I got him for you."
Scully looks at him in surprise, unsure of how to react. Mulder lifts Spooky into his arms, handing him over to her.
"But…why?" Scully sputters out, taking the dog.
He rubs the back of his neck nervously. "Well…I remembered how much you loved your old dog, Queequeg. I thought it would be nice to give you some more good memories."
Scully simply stares at him, so Mulder continues.
"If you think he'll be too much trouble, then I'll take him. Or maybe we can share. I can take him ever other week, if you want…" Mulder stutters.
"Thank you."
Mulder smiles. "You're welcome."
Scully sets Spooky down before turning back to Mulder.
"What have I done to deserve this? Why do you always do so much for me, Mulder?" She smiles at him playfully.
"Because I love you."
Scully pauses a moment before she nods in understanding and Mulder drapes his arm over her shoulder. They watch as Spooky runs off, back into the night.
V.
He watches her, about to crumble in front of him. And he is still in awe. She breaks beautifully, a magnificent disaster.
"I don't know what to believe anymore. Mulder, I was so determined to find a cure to save you that I could deny what it was that I saw and now I don't even know...I don't know...I don't know what the truth is...I don't know who to listen to. I don't know who to trust."
He had been just like her, before. But now the world was much more vibrant, much more electrifying. Everything was finally clear.
She continues to fall apart before his eyes. "Diana Fowley was found murdered this morning. I never trusted her...but she helped save your life just as much as I did."
The words hit him. Hard. But not for the reasons he would have assumed. The ache is there, but it is dull, irrelevant. Another loss along the way.
"I'm sorry...I'm so sorry. I know she was your friend." Scully whispers, offering him comfort.
He thought the pain would have been much deeper, and the revelation sends shivers up his spine. This is more shocking than anything she can tell him. He understands something he could never see before.
He had always known he was in love with Scully, but now he knows that he can never love anyone else.
She puts her arms around him as he does the same. But he doesn't need comfort. He doesn't want her tears. He needs her to see as clearly as he can.
"Scully, I was like you once, I didn't know who to trust." He struggles to find the right words. "Then I...I chose another path...another life, another fate, where I found my sister." He feels her tense slightly as he holds her. She isn't sure what to say. "The end of my world was unrecognizable and upside down. There was one thing that remained the same."
He holds her face, locking his gaze on her. "You...were my friend, and you told me the truth. Even when the world was falling apart, you were my constant...my touchstone." He feels the strength of his words, the conviction, the sincerity. The truth.
She doesn't miss a beat. "And you are mine."
Their faces move closer together, and he can feel her heart pounding. She kisses him on the forehead, long and hard. She lingers slightly as she pulls away.
"I love you." She whispers breathlessly, certain he hasn't heard, before she tenderly touches his lips with her fingers and turns to leave.
But he won't let her go.
He grabs her hand before she can walk away, before she can stop him from doing what he needs to do.
Her face is in his hands again and he pushes her hair back. She looks straight into his eyes as they bore into hers. She doesn't say a word.
They've been here before.
"I love you too."