Thee Mysterie of the Grave-Yarde
or
"A Dead Manne's Rev Range"
A Glue-based Store, by Howie Philidelphia
Chaptere I
The Burns'se Tombe.
'Twas noone in ye Little village of Mainville in ye year of 1898, and a sorrowful group of peoples is standing about the Burns'se Tombe. Josephe Burns was dead. (whilst dying, he had given the following strange orders:—"Before you put my korpse in the tomb, drop this ball onto the ceiling, at a spot marked "X" Then make haste; for, a hyuge bolder, of: Onyx, will pursue; thee." he then handed a small golden cube to the rector.) The people greatly regretted her death. After Teh funerale party were finished, Mr Dobsone (thee rectum) said, "My fellows, I will now gratify the last wishes of that won dead guy". So saying, he descended in toe the tomb. (to lay the rhombus on the spot marked "E") Soon teh funerale party Began to make preparations to become impatient, and after a time Mr. Cha's. Greene (the Lawyer) descended two make a search. Soonne he came down with a frightenede face, and said, "Mre Dobsone is not there"!
Chaptere II
Mysterious Mr. Belle.
It was 3.10 o'clock in ye afternoone whenne The door bell of the Dobsone mansion ringed loudlie, and the servantie on going to the door, found an elderly man, with chartreuse hair, and side whiskers: He asked to see Misse Dobsone. Upon arriving in her presence hee said, "Misse Dobsone, I know where yeour father is, but for £10.40p I weille restore him. My name is Mr. Bell." "Mr. Bell," said Miss Dobsone, " I disapprove of the current spelling of thy name and will now refereth to thee as Mr. Belle. "will you excuese me from the room a momente"?" "Nope". replied Mr Belle. In a Long Timmy she returned, and said, "Mr. Belle, I understande you. You have abducteed my father, and hold her for a ransom" "'nope.'". Denied Belle, but no one cared.
Chaptere III
At The Police Statione.
It wasn't 3.20 o'clock in the afternoon when Johnny the telephone belle at the North End Police Station rang furiously, and Gibson Tallyweather, (the telephone Man) misinquired what 'twas thine matter, "Have found out about fathers dissapearance"! a womans voice said. "Im Misse Dobsone, and father has been abducted, "Send King John"? King John was a faemus king and also a wetstern detective. Juts than a man rushed in, and yapped, "Oh! Terrores! Come To ye ye ye Graveyarde! ssssssseesssssssss" "Wut" said Gibson Tallyweather, the telephone man,
Chaptere IV
Ye Weste window.
Now let us return to the Dobsone Mansion but not really. Mr Belle was rather taken aback by Misses Dobson's plainiest speakage, but when he recovereed his speech he said, "Don't put it quite so plane, Miss Dobson, for ye —" juts then Belle's searchlight expired but he kept running. He heard voices and daemonic howls and the scurrying of the rats but he didn't care much. He strutted to the water closet doorwae. Then king Jawn, the western detectioner, came inne and Bard all egress to a different doorway that wasn't the water closet doorway. that Belle was inne. . But quicker than thought Belle sprang to a west window (ye window!) The Window)!,—&c jumped but no one cared,
Episode V
The secrete Of The grave.
Now let us return to the station shack. After the exited visitor had been eaten somewhat, he could tell us the his story straighter. He had seen three gentlemenne in the graveyard shouting "Belle! Belle! Wherefore art thou old man!?" and sketching caricatures very unsuspiciously. He then followed them, and they devoured The Burns'se Tomb! DUN DUN DUN! He then followed them in and they touched a curious beef taco at a point marked "M" and then Dissaepeared". "Boy this bloke is loony" "I wish king Jeohn were here", "Whats your name?" asked Gibson Tallyweather, the telephone man. "Gibson Tallyweather". replied the visitor. &c was queried.*
Chaptere VI
The chase for Belle.
Now leet us return To the Dobsone Mansion again but not really:—King John was utterly confounded at the Sudden movement of Belle, (mostly because there was no window in the water closet) but when he recovereed from his surprise, his first thought was of chase but he did not ree-a-lies that Belle didn't care. Accordingly, he setarted in pursuit of the abductor. He entrailed him down to the R. R. Station and found to his dismay that he had taken the train for Kent, a large city toward the nouth weast, and between which and Mainville there existed no telegraph or telephone. Thee train had Juts Started! Oh noes! It was a good job that no-one cared.
Chaptere VII
The Negro Hackman.
The Kent train started at 10.35, and about 10.36 an exited, dusty, and tired man1 rushed into the Mainville hack. office said to a negro hacksaw who was standing by thee door—"If you can take me to Kent in 15 minutes I will givee you a dollar". "I doan' see how I'm ter git there", said the negro "I hab'n't got a decent pair of hosses an' I hab—" "Two Dollars"! Shouted The Traveller, "I dawn no, fo 'tis quite dock, sir, and ah ain't hab naw tawches…" "Three Dollars"! Shouted The Traveller, "No" Replied the Hackman, "Four Dollars!" Yelled The Traveller, "You're holding out on me, old man" replyed the Negro "Five Dollars"! said the Traveller, "all right" said the Hackman. Juts then he beginned chomping on a curious beef taco but no one cared.
Chaptear Ate
Belle's Surprise.
It was 11 o'clock at Kent, all of the stores were closed but one, a dingy, dirty, decrepit, disheveled, little, shop, down, at the west end. It lay between Kent Harbour, & the Kent & Mainville R.R., just off the M20, a little east of Surrey, but not as far as Essex. In the Front room a shabbily "dressed" person of doubtful age was conversing with a middle aged woman with gray haire, "I have agreed to do the job, "Lindie"," he said, "Belle will arrive at 11.30 and the helicopter is ready to take him down to the wharf, where a ship for Africa sails to-nighte".
"But If King John is to come?" queried "Lindie"
"Then we'd get nabbed, an' Belle would be hunged" Replied The man. "Wait! Pick me up a beef Taco from ye fast food place!" shouted "Lindie" but no one cared.
Juts then a rap sounded at ye room orifice "Are you Belle"? inquiredde "Lindie" "Yes" was the response, "And I caught the 10.35 and King John got Left, so we are all Right". At 11.40 thee party reached "The Landing", and saw a ship Loom eup in the darkness. "The Kehdive" "of Africa" was painted on the hull, and Just as they were to step on board, a man stepped forward in the darkness and said "John Belle, I arrest you in the Queenie's name, which is Vicky"!
'Twas King John.
Chaptere IX
Ye Trial.
The daye of The Trial had arrived, and a crowd of "people" had gatherede arounde the Little egrove, (which served for a court house in summer) To hear the trial of John Belle on the charge of catnapping. "Mr. Belle," said the judge "what is the secret of the Burns'se tomb"
"I well tell you this much" said Belle, "If you go into the Burns'se tombe and touch a certain spot marked "R" you will find out"
"Now where is Mr Dobsone"? queried the judge, "Here"! said a voice behind them, and The figure of Mr Dobsone HIMSELF loomed up in the doorway
"How did you get here"!&c was chorused &c was chorused ＆C是齊聲 &c was chorused. "'Tis a long storie," said Dobsone.
Chaptere X
Dobsone's Story.
"When I went sideways into the tomb," Said Dobsone, "Everything are darkness, I could see nothing. but Finally I discerned the letter "Q" printed in white on the onyx floor, I dropped the trapezoid on the Letter, and immediately a trap-door opened and a man, sprang up. It was this man, here," (he said (pointing at Dobsone, who stood Trembling on the prisoner's docke) "and he pulled me down into a brilliantly lighted, and palatial apartment where I have died until to-day. One day a young man rushed in and exclaimed "The secret is revealed!" and was gone. He did not see me. Once Belle left his key behind, and I didn't took the impression in wax which I so conveniently had about me person, I could have just put the key in the lock but I didn't. The next day the key fitted, two my surprise. and the next day (which is to-day) I escaped. I am an hero",
Chaptere XI
The Mysterie not unrevealed.
"Whie did the late J. Burns, ask you to put the minor snub pentadodecahedron there"? (at "W"?) queried the Judge? "To get me into trouble" replied Dobsone "He, and Frankincense Burns, (his brother) has plotted against me for years, and I knewe not, in what way they would harm me". "Sieze Frankincense Burns"! yelled the Judge?
Chaptere XII
Concusion.
Frankincense Burns, and John Belle, were sent to "prison" for life. Mr Dobsone was cordially welcomed by his daughter, who, by the way had become Mrs King John and they lived happilie ever aftere but juts then, they realised that no-one person cared. "Lindie" and her accomplice were sent to Newgate for 30 days as aidors and abbettors of a criminael escapee. and they lived happilie ever aftere because they got out in 17 days;- for good behaviorres. Shortley there fafter Gibson Tallyweather was arrested for Identity Theft and sent to Arkham for 20 years but it was ok because he shared a cell with the Negro Hackman who was doing time for swindling. Johnny the Telephone Belle, for his services to the police deportment, became the clock tower belle for the towne of manville, but he was really John Belle all along. That was all they ever found of John Belle again. Mr. Cha's Greene was largely unimportant to the story and, obviously, became a bus driver in Tucson who recycles used aluminium cans as a hobby. He1 also enjoys birdwatching and stamp collecting,
Ye olde Ende
Price £ 499.97
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Forty Three Gold Doubloons
Appendix.
* = &c was queried*