*Authors note: Hello out there ;) my first M rated fic, i'm so very excited. and i'd really like to know what you think, so drop me a line :D
Need is something that you can very rarely deny. It is a consuming thing. One that gradually eats away at your insides until all you can think about is that craving, that need.
She shouldn't need him. that much she knows. She shouldn't need to touch his skin and see his eyes just as much as she requires air or sunlight. He isn't right for her. She knows he isn't. It should be a thing of logic. as easily discarded as other things that have hurt her in the past.
Patrick Jane is a rude arrogant man, always manipulating her and her team to get what he wants. That much she's never deluded herself about. But yet, if he were gone, She'd feel like sunflowers suddenly thrust into darkness. As if she's been deprived of something important, something essential.
It's painful to admit he has a place inside of her heart. Hurts her to know he doesn't feel the same, to know that no matter how she feels there is nothing good that can come of her sill infatuation with him.
But….But she knows that she can dream. Here in her house, alone in the dark, alone in her bed. She could pretend.
Pretend that when he smiles at her it's always a real smile. That the charm he uses on her is real. That she's important instead of just another mark in his long con to catch Red John.
Sometimes when he stands just that little bit too close she'll steal the sensation and squirrel it away to torment herself with later. Subconsciously she'll lean in just that tiny bit closer when he's distracted; she'll inhale and catch a whiff of his scent. Clean and fresh with an elegant cologne and the faintest hint of mint, sometimes it's maddening for her self-control not to lean over and bury her nose against his throat and just breathe him in.
On rare occasions he'll take her hand. But she keeps that contact brief. She's seen how good he is at reading people, especially through careful examination of their pulse. It'd kill her if he knew.
She took a lot from him, could take everything he dished out. His mercurial mood swings from happy into selfish and surly, that impish demeanor that can so quickly turn into morose. His more or less constant slight condescension towards her and the team, and humanity in general. Even his when he gets her in trouble, or when he prods and probes into her personal life.
But if he used this, if he took this foolish little need and turned it against her, it could very well break her.
No. they are not meant to be together. He isn't the handsome prince in shining armor and she isn't the damsel in distress. She knows that they cannot be.
But sometimes it's nice to pretend.