My Rod and Nicky fanfic that's not too different from anyone else's fluff but I want to write it with both perspectives in play. Here's goes.
I can't believe how long it's been. Nicky and I have known each other for twelve years now. Those four years of high school, all through college, and the last four living together on Avenue Q. I wonder if Nicky even knows it's been that long.
We've been together longer than most couples I know! And it's no picnic being Nicky's roommate. Ah well, it'll just be like every other day for us. I get home, see Nicky doing nothing, join him before making dinner, and go to bed. And have bad dreams. Oh, I don't go one night without one these days.
"Can you believe it?" I told Princeton.
"Yeah, I can, Nicky. You two know each other too well for me not to believe that," he said. I met him in the hallway after a run to the grocery store, telling him the news.
"12 years, that's the longest anyone's stuck by me, and I'm gonna show Rod how thankful I am."
Princeton smiled. "That's really nice of you. Well, have a good night!"
"You too," I said, taking my keys out. Geez, with me being this excited about surprising Rod, you'd think we were a couple or something.
But it's not like I hate the routine we have. Don't get me wrong, it would be nice to be surprised once in a while, but as much as I want us to be together, it's not like we're a couple. Nicky's just my roommate. He's just my friend. I know that, I really do. And it's been so long, I feel like I should be able to find someone actually gay and get over him, but there has been no such luck. Not even with Ricky.
Sigh. I should count how many times in the day I sigh. I swear, I'm trapped within my own life, but endure it all. Instead of screams, I walk it off. Instead of crying, I sometimes take a sleeping pill. All because I want Nicky to stay with me. All because I'm afraid that if he knew I was troubled, he'd somehow find out why, and then leave. It's better this way. Or at least I keep telling myself that.
Anyway,
"What's up, Ni-"
"-icky?"
"Hey, Rod."
"What are you doing?" He sounded more annoyed than pleased, but that's probably because he saw the kitchen counter.
"So are ya gonna come in or not?" I said from the kitchen. He does, and joins me.
Rod glares.
"Betcha didn't know I make gumbo," I said.
"You don't."
"No, seriously, I do. Been taking cooking classes while you were at work to surprise you."
His face. Was priceless.
"Wha-you wanted to-but why?" He turned red and everything. I was so happy to have got him on this one, I wanted to laugh-but I refrained since he'd think I was laughing at him. I've made sure not to make that mistake over the years.
"Rod," I shook my head. "Don't tell me you don't remember what today is."
"You mean you know what today is?"
"Of course I do."
"Then tell me what today is."
"I asked you first."
"You never asked!" Rod retorted.
"I kind of did."
"Yeah, kind of." He started getting huffy. Better give him a cupcake.
"I didn't make that. But you can have it."
He took the pastry and paused, the red fading away in his cheeks. "Thanks, Nicky. This means a lot."
"Don't mention it. You mean a lot to me too."
No bad dream! I actually slept tonight! And Nicky-what the hell was that all about? He really does care. Now this is what love is supposed to feel like. No fear, no pain, just bliss. The only thing is I wish I could have kissed him last night. Right on the mouth without warning. When he gave me that cupcake, God, that was the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. I love everything about Nicky. I love him, and I don't care who knows!
-wait, no, that's exactly the opposite of how I feel.
Last night went so well. I did everything I told myself I was going to do and said everything I wanted to say. I cooked (but didn't clean) and rented West Side Story and actually watched it with him (I've never saw the whole thing in one sitting). It's a great movie, it's just so damn sad. You literally want to yell at the screen and wish the ending was different, but alas, movies always end the same. Rod was actually yelling-so much that Gary called-but I told him to shut the hell up. That made us have a laughing fit for at least 2 minutes.
Aside from that, I made that cupcake move. I thought I was gonna have to wait all night for Rod to say 'this means a lot,' but I surprised him so much with the cooking class alone. I am good.
It's Sunday. Almost 9 o'clock. I stay in bed until 10:30 most days, but I felt charged for some reason. Rod was still in bed-good thing too, because he's been having some rough nights lately-which meant that I could give him another surprise. But what? If I want to make breakfast, I'd have to actually think of something to make. Then I'd have to get stuff out. Uh-oh, I'm already feeling lazy today and I haven't gotten out of bed.
Okay, I'll pick something up like donuts. That's way easier. Hopefully I can get a pair of shorts out of my drawer, find my hoodie somewhere on the floor, and get out of the room without waking Rod up. Hopefully.
Nicky is noisy even when he's trying to be quiet. What is wrong with him? He never gets up this early. Should I act like I'm asleep?
"Hey Rod. Don't wake up. Sleep in, okay? I'll be right back."
..What is he doing now? Why does he always do these things that make me fall for him so hard?! Ever since high school he's gave me that trademark grin and happy-go-lucky attitude of his. It's a miracle he hasn't figured out my feelings for him yet.
But will he ever? Sometimes I really want him to, just so I don't have to keep it a secret anymore..
Hey Rod?
Yes, Nicky?
We've been best friends since the 9th grade, bro. And you know what I just found out?
What? If it's that rumor that I have feelings for you just ignore-
No, Rod. We can't ignore something like that.
And then he'd do something hot like grab my arm and pull me close to him. He'd be angry. He'd say something like,
Were you just going to live your life without trying to talk to me about it?
Well, duh, you're straight and I'm gay. It would never work.
You should try me sometime.
…And then…my long-awaited kiss…
"Ro-od! I'm back!"
"Were you cuddling your pillow just now?" I teased.
"Everyone does it at one point or another. Plus I'm gay, so I'm allowed to be cute without feeling embarrassed."
I looked at him. "That wasn't cute, but straight men can be cute without feeling embarrassed."
"Oh really?" He challenged. "Let's see how you feel when I randomly tell you you're cute today."
"Good luck with that," I laughed. "I don't do anything like that and you know it."
"Nicky, please. You're adorable. That's why you've had so many girlfriends," Rod said, walking out the bedroom door.
"Really? I thought it was because I'm sexy."
"Mm, no."
"You said that so confidently I almost believed you," I kept teasing.
"What?" He turned around, his face reddening. "You think I think you're sexy?"
"I'm kidding. But you are gay, so give me your honest judgement. How do I look?" I did a funny pose for him, like I was a really cheesy model, which cracked him up.
"Look, Nicky, everyone has their own preferences," his face crimson.
"So what are yours?"
He stiffened. "Why do you care? You're not trying to find another boyfriend for me online, are you?"
"No!"
"Because I can work on my own relationships."
"No you can't."
"Yes I can."
"Um, no, Rod. You can't. You're too busy, you're always working, and you hate doing anything social, especially after splitting with Ricky."
I do not hate doing anything social. I used to, but I like parties now. But he ignored me when I said that. Anyway, he got donuts. We started talking about dating over coffee, oddly enough. Our experiences dating, not going on a date.
I'm probably just getting paranoid, but the things Nicky's been doing is making me feel like…I don't know, like he knows. Like he's trying to break it to me easy that he knows my deepest darkest secret. But would he leave me if he knew? Now I'm not so sure. We're having a great time. He wouldn't kill the mood like that. Maybe I should ask him.
"So Rod, since it's your day off," I started, "Why don't we go somewhere fun?"
"Um, I don't know.." he said, looking straight into his coffee cup.
"You feel okay, right?" I asked. Rod's a pro at hiding how sick he feels. He's grinned-and-bared it for years just to get through work. I hoped this wasn't one of those days.
"No, I'm okay-"
"Are you sure? Because you're good at hiding things, Rod."
"I am? I thought you said I hid my gayness dreadfully."
"No, like when you're sick. You can lie to your boss any day, but don't lie to me, okay?"
"…Okay, but I'm really not."
"You sure?"
"Yes, Nicky, I'm sure."
"Okay."
"Okay."
"So what would you like to do today?"
"Gee, I don't know, read a book like I always do?"
"Rod. It's nice outside."
"Then I'll read outside."
"Let's do something that includes me."
"Like?"
"I dunno, the beach?"
He could have just said the beach. That weirdo. He's as indirect as women are.
Today was really nice. The drive was okay. At least the radio station we were listening to was doing a decent job during the drive there.
We went to the pier for lunch. The pizza was good, the wind wasn't too strong, but I did have to buy sunglasses because I constantly forget that I even own a pair.
Ugh. This day was almost too good to be true. I'm starting to feel torn. One part of me wants this to be more, and believes it actually could be, but the realistic part of me wants me to take a breather. Think it through.
Okay. Sitting in the sand. It's warm. Ahh, this is a great place to think. Maybe I'll even take a nap.
"Don't you want to go in the water?" I asked.
"Later, Nicky."
"Fine. I'll just bury you in the sand, then."
"No! Then I'll have sand everywhere. Do you know how annoying it is to wash off wet sand?"
I paused "Well, I wasn't going to bury you with wet sand. Too much work…But you'll get wet sand everywhere if you go in the water, you know."
"True…"
I looked at Rod. I knew he was skinny, but with only swim trunks on, he also looked quite feminine, minus the boobs. He was prettier and far more petite than regular guys, but manlier than a woman. Which means he probably doesn't way over 130. "This just means I'll have to drag you!"
I knew that would get him! Once I grabbed his ankles, Rod started flipping out.
"Nicky!"
But he couldn't squirm out of my grasp that easily.
"Come on, buddy, it's not a beach day unless you go for a swim."
"But Nicky-"
Great. Now I have to take an hour-long shower to get the sand out of my hair. Oh well. It was fun while it happened.
Get this-a gay guy with his gay friends went up to Nicky and I at one point during the day. Do gays have radars for other gays, or am I just so obviously gay? Maybe both, but this guy was flirting pretty hard, but I wasn't really interested-at first.
I mean, I should really keep trying to find someone to be with, since my true love will most likely never return my feelings, and maybe that's not so bad. So far, no one except for Ricky knows that I love Nicky.
Oh my God. Ricky does know, doesn't he? He figured it out pretty quickly, actually. He tried his best to get me to face reality, but nothing worked. I really do love him for trying, because he wanted to be with me, but I also love him for graciously accepting defeat. It's hard to be with someone when you know deep down they're crazy about someone else. That's not how love's supposed to work.
Which is exactly why I'm so confused! Why on God's Earth was I born gay, but hopelessly devoted to a straight man? What does that accomplish? I wish I knew.
"God, do I hate flirts," I said out loud. In the car, there was that song "American Woman" playing, which is about this chick that won't get off Lenny Kravitz's back, which is exactly how I felt with those dudes hitting on Rod.
"He only flirted until I gave him my email."
Right. "Why did you do that, by the way?"
"Because he wanted my email."
"So you're gonna give your information to anyone that wants it?"
Rod sighed. "If you haven't noticed, not a lot of people want my information. I'm not exactly swarmed with date invites and love letters."
"Well, that's because none of them deserve you." It's true. Ricky was a great guy, and the only one I enjoyed sharing Rod with. Everyone else he's showed a slight interest in, I can't stand. "At least try to pick em' better, okay?"
Rod was quiet for a moment, the radio filling up the silence between us. He stopped at a red light and looked at me. "Are you annoyed with me, Nicky?" He said, sounding slightly amused.
"No," I said, a little louder than I wanted to. "I'm annoyed at those bozos that want to get you drunk and rape you."
"Well, thanks for looking out for me, but I can handle-"
"I'm not so sure if you can, Rod. Have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately? You're a stick. You can easily be overtaken!"
"God, Nicky, you're not my mother!"
And at that we stopped. We were laughing so hard we started crying. Rod had a very hard time keeping his eyes on the road, so he parked on the side of the highway.
"You know I'm not," I said after finally catching my breath. "She doesn't give a fuck what you do with your life, now that you've come out."
Rod rolled his eyes, agreeing.
"I'm your best friend."
He blinked. Numerous times. He stared ahead of the road like he was trying to see something in the distance, starting the ignition. Did I do something to make him cry? He's awfully emotional-which is exactly what I was saying! He's a frail, dainty, girly, gay man who dumb-asses want to take advantage of-God, why am I getting so worked up about this?
But then we was laughing after a couple of minutes.
I asked why, and he said:
"You're just really cute."
Why am I getting so worked up about this? All he is is my best friend. He only cares about me. He only loves me like a friend should, and that's it. That's all. And I'm grateful for that. There's never been anyone so concerned for my well-being before. Is it because now that I've come out I seem more vulnerable? I just don't know. Maybe Nicky's finally gotten mature or something, but I shouldn't look into it too much.
Finally, we're home. I'll take a hot shower and hopefully get a few hours of sleep in before I wake up for work, back to my normal routine. I'm not counting on having the same sleep I had last night since two good night sleeps in a row is just as rare for me as it is for lightning to strike twice..That sentence made sense, right? Whatever..
I've been trying to watch TV for 20 minutes now, but I can't take what's in my head out of my head. Good thing Rod's been in the shower forever, because I'm trying to figure out what I should say to him.
I need to explain, at least to myself right now, but eventually to Rod, why I'm feeling so weird. I've always known Rod was gay, but now that he's actually dating guys, I'm getting all snappy. Ricky was great, but I even felt annoyed with him sometimes. Like when he would show too much affection for him in public. But why? There's no way I'm jealous, cause I'm straight.
Wait-am I jealous?
The shower's off.
Oh crap, am I jealous?! What do I do now? How do I even feel about Rod?
I think about his frail yet masculine body, how smooth it is. Like a woman's. Which is why I'm noticing it, by the way. So what does this mean? Rod's still a man, so if I were to be into him, I would identify as being gay. But I'm into women. But I'm not bi because I've never been into any other guy.
Am I just gay for Rod?
-Am I really thinking about this right now?!
Jesus Christ.
Nicky was laying on the couch, a pillow covering his face. He usually doesn't get a hangover on one can of beer, so something must be bothering him. In my dream world, he'd be getting jealous over that guy who tried asking me out, but I know that's not what's going on in his head.
Although, I thought while closing the bedroom door, he was pretty weird on the drive home. If I think about it more, he acted a lot like I did when he would take a girl out or date some skank. We did basically switch rolls for a second there.
No. I've done this before. Like that whole thing when I dreamt Nicky calling my name in his sleep. You were just dreaming, is all. That felt so real, I still can't believe it was all a dream.
I look at myself in the body mirror I have on my side of the room. I am a stick, aren't I? Not skin and bone, because I work out, but very slim. I put on my pajama pants before I heard the door creak open.
"You decent?"
"Almost, but you can come in." Me being half decent never stopped him before.
He shuffled in looking awkward as I pulled on my shirt.
"Rod.." he said hesitantly. "I think there's something we need to talk about."
Oh my God. He knows.
After that, Rod looked as if I was his worst fear. He froze for a moment until he realized his shirt was unbuttoned. While hastily getting to work on that, he started talking in that fast, high pitched voice he often uses when I'm on to something he doesn't want me to know about. Like my surprise birthday party, or that time when he lost my favorite hoodie, or-when I told him I was cool with it if he was gay.
"Whatever are you talking about?" he asked, trying too hard to act normal. "I don't think there's anything we need to talk about. I mean, today was great, so why would you think there's something we need to talk about?"
I stepped away from the door. "You don't have to get defensive about this, Rod. You really don't."
"I'm not getting defensive!"
I looked at him. We've done this before. But this time, it was me with the secret.
"Okay, fine. You deserve the truth, anyway," he said, looking away.
Or at least I thought it was.
"Look, Nicky…There is something we should talk about, but I'm just so scared that when you know you'll hate me and leave."
"Rod-"
"-You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, and…" he sighed heavily. Whatever this was, he was ready to tell me. "You deserve to know the truth."
He's been hiding something from me? For how long? He's usually terrible at keeping secrets. He wasn't facing me. He looked ashamed, the side of his face visible to me.
"We've been best friends ever since high school, but there's something else…I've loved you for that long, too. It's not like I haven't tried to get over you, but I just…I love everything about you." His voice grew in resent, tears falling now. "And I was going to keep that secret until the end of my days just so that I could still see you everyday!"
I was shocked, as anyone with a best friend of 12 years would be to learn such a thing as this. All my life I wondered if someone would ever love me for who I was-a lazy slob without a future or anything-and the answer has been right beside me! All this time, it was Rod, who was currently sitting slumped of his bed in defeat.
"I know I'm gay. I know you're straight. So I completely understand if you want to go, just move out as quickly as you can."
"No, Rod," I said, not even knowing what I was going to say anymore. I went to him, though, and knelt down so I could see his beautiful face. I tried wiping away his tears, but he stopped me.
"What are you doing?"
I said what first came to mind. "I don't know," and then I did what first came to mind.
He wrapped his arms around my torso and hugged me. His messy hair was right under my nose, his body in between my legs. I was so confused I didn't know how to react.
And as if he read my mind he said, "Aren't you gonna hug me back?"
I refused, and pulled him away from me. What did this mean? I guess he's fine with me being in love with him, but what the hell kind of hug was that? I'm afraid to ask, though. What do I do if he just wants to be friends?..I guess I'll have to figure that out as we go along.
I stood up to face Nicky eye to eye.
"What is this?" I asked in a scared voice. I was so quiet I could barely hear myself.
He stepped closer to me, looking at my shirt. "You buttoned that terribly."
As he started fixing my shirt, I said, with more power this time, "That's not answering my question."
And he smiled the smile that always makes me really want to kiss him. But before I could say anything, he kissed me first.
I pulled away once more, exasperated but ecstatic but so very confused. "Nicholas!"
"I'm sorry, you just made that face that really makes me want to kiss you."
What the fuck?!
"Nicky…are you saying…?"
Nicky just kept smiling. "I realized this weekend I'm gay for you, Rod, and I'm sorry I didn't figure it out sooner." He smiles, pulling me back into his grasp. He says in a softer, much more intimate tone, "I didn't know you had it bad for me too, though."
I felt my face flare up. I could die happy right now. Wait, that's not true at all.
"Oh, you have no idea."