By Crispy Pickle
Summary: I live in a town that is so sleepy I'm getting drowsy just talking about it. My annoying friend Rachelle talks WAY too much, my way-too-perky friend Annette is never available during the week, and my bipolar sister Jennifer is starting to get on my nerves.
Don't you ever wish you had a parody about you life? I do. I got kind of tired of the ridiculousness of my life so I wrote a parody. It's not totally centered on Harry Potter. It does not take place in his world. It just has some funny tidbits with him and his sidekicks. Oh, and all so, I started this is the middle of the Christmas holidays, mostly because I was BORED OUT OF MY FREAKIN MIND. So that is when it starts: The holiday season.
Introduction: This is a VERY exaggerated account of my friends (at least some of them) and some family, too. Secondly: I would just like to thank my friends for being so cool and bizarre. I would also like to apologize to "Nikki" especially, for not putting you in this. But you see I could not think of any faults I could run with. (loving smile) :"Jennifer" mutters, "Suck-up,": To "Annette", "Rachelle", and "Jennifer": I'm sorry. I couldn't resist. Plus a sign of maturity is being able to laugh at your self. So if you don't think this is funny, HA HA HA! YOU'RE NOT MATURE! (sticks out tongue)
Chapter 1"Pretty much no story line so far."
I knocked on my friend Annette's frozen door, hoping her outrageous dad would not answer the door and tease me silly. I heard the inner door to her house open and, seconds later, the outer one did. Today Annette was decked out in bright magenta spandex from head to toe. She had the decency to wear a patterned mini skirt and belly shirt over it, but even though they were suppressed by the tight spandex, her stomach and humongous behind flopped out. Rather like abused JELLO. The same bright magenta was on her lips, and eye shadow, and blush. She kind of looked like a clown. Her mouse brown hair was pulled back into a huge magenta scunchie. She twirled around. "Well? What do you think?" she asked me. "What do you think? Huh? Is it good? Bad? In between? Too much? Too little?"
I looked at her. "You look fabulous, darling." I lied. I am always lying to everyone. All the time. In fact, I am lying to you right now.
"Thanks," she said, chewing her eighteen sticks of gum loudly.
"Can you walk Gussie with me?" I asked. I am always asking that, too. You'd think she'd get a clue and I wouldn't have to ask all the time.
"I can't." she said sadly, "My family has adopted Katie and I have to watch her night and day. Today we played dress-up and House. I was the mommy and Katie was the little daughter. My husband was out going to war in Germany and her brother was married with twelve children."
"That's nice…" I lied again.
"Wow, did you do something with your hair?" she queried.
"Uhhh…no…"
"Oh, well it looks different. Did you style it…maybe curl it?"
"Ah, no…although I think I did brush it this morning."
"WOW, well it looks really good," she told me. All I said was "Mmmm," because I didn't really believe her. I thought my hair looked kind of frizzy and triangular. "Well, call me!" she commanded, just like she ALWAYS does.
"I will!" I lied yet again. It's off to Rachelle's I go, I thought, kind of mad that Annette was always watching Katie. Kind of very mad. I kicked the corner of a house. It flew into the air and landed on some old lady. I sighed. Why did everything always have to happen to me? A tug from Gussie's leash brought me back to my senses. Gussie pulled me so hard I fell on my stomach. She dragged me from telephone pole to telephone pole, sniffing everything in sight. Not noticing me, Jerry Lucas, my crush, walked straight over me while Gussie was sniffing at his belly button. WHY did everything happen to me?
I knocked on my friend Rachelle's frozen door, hoping she was home. The door opened. Rachelle stood there. Gussie jumped up on her and sniffed away. "Oh, hi Gussie," Rachelle laughed. She put on her shoes. "I'm walking Gussie with Cara!" she called into her house. Someone inside somewhere said something. "I did it already!" she replied to whoever it was about whatever it was. That same somebody said something else. "Be my guest! It's clean!" Rachelle put on her coat and started to go out the door.
I was wearing a down parka, a scarf, a neck-warmer, snow pants, boots, mittens, two pairs of socks, and a hat. "You sure you don't want gloves or anything?" I inquired.
She slapped her forehead. "Oh yeah! I knew I was missing something!" She put on a pair of mittens.
"Do you want a hat?"
"Okay…" she reached inside and grabbed one, pulling it onto her head.
"Is that coat going to be warm enough?" I wanted to know, just to be safe. She took an overcoat from one of the coat hooks and put it on, then started out the door. "Are your legs going to get cold without snow pants?" Rachelle put on a pair of snow pants. "Do you want a scarf? For your face?" She wrapped one around her neck.
I could tell she was getting sick of this. "Can we go now?"
I looked at her up and down. "Uhhh…yeah…I think it's safe now."
We went to Nikki's house, but she had to watch her younger siblings and couldn't go with us. We gathered icicles to throw for Gussie and took her to the ice-skating rink. There we played fetch and had a jolly good time until skaters came and our fun was ruined. We left the rink with a present from Gussie (fresh urine) and went to take her home. "Don't you hate it when Annette ALWAYS joins in with you whenever you start singing?" Rachelle demanded.
"I guess…"
"One time, when she was at my house, radio played this song I liked, and I was singing along to it, and Annette joined in, even though she hardly knew the words. And she said, 'People see you everyday/neva going to find a way/ to escape those prying eyes/of humanity' instead of 'People see you everyday/never gonna find a way/to escape those prying eyes/of humanity'! It threw off the whole song's melody! She said 'neva going to' instead of 'never gonna'. Ohmigaw! That's one too many syllables." She looked at me, expecting me to be outraged.
"Oh my gosh!" I cried. My life is one big lie.
"AND, we were doing this kind of talent show thingy, and she played the piano while singing, and you could, like, hardly hear the piano."
"'Talent show thingy'?" I questioned, eyebrows raised.
"Yes," Rachelle continued, "And she gave me a five! Can you believe it? A FIVE!"
"What was your…umm…'act'?"
"I played 'Moonlight Serenade' on the piano."
"Wowwwww…" I said, obviously supposed to be impressed. "And she only gave you a FIVE? A measly FIVE!" I am truly going to hell.
"YES." She needs a hobby.
"What a bitch."
"Yeah…AND, another time…" I tried to drown out the high-pitched squeak she called a voice, but it was not an easy task. Finally I gave up and listened. "And she ate it in, like, two seconds." She finished, looking at me, waiting in rapture for me to say something witty and clever.
"The pig." I said.
Rachelle laughed loudly. And laughed. And…laughed. Ironically, she snorted quite a lot. About eight minutes later, she flicked a tear out of her eye and commented, "You're funny."
"I wish I had a nickel every time someone said that to me. Then I would have…" I pretended to count on my fingers. "…some nickels." I concluded, making a joke. She laughed until we reached Gussie's house on the other end of town. Then she started talking about Annette again.
"She thinks her boobs are soooo big." She said, even though I knew this.
"I know!" I exclaimed.
"One time, she made me check the tag on her bra so she could prove to me that she's a B-cup, but the tag said '36A'. And when I told her, she was like, 'Really?' all, like, shocked, and stuff, and she, like, totally snatched it away to see for herself. Like, she didn't believe me, or something. AND, when she saw it, she was like, 'Oh, this is one of my OLD bras, that doesn't fit me anymore.' But it was soooo obviously too big."
"What an egotistic prat."
"What does 'egotistic' mean?"
"Uhhh…it means self-centered, egotistical, self-absorbed and arrogant."
"Oh! Ha heh ha hahaha ha ha hee hee ha ha hahahaha! You're funny!"
"Thank you, thank you," I said, bowing. What can I say? I like attention. I pretended to wipe a tear from my eye. "You like me! You really really like me!" I feigned bursting into tears. She, if it was possible, guffawed even more. I sobbed loudly. "I'm so happy!" I cried.
Finally, we reached my house. "Do you want to come in?" I asked. WHY DO I BETRAY MY FEELINGS SO?
"No, that's alright," she said, just like she always does.
"Okay," I said, just like I always do.
When I walked in, I saw my sister Jennifer lying on the couch, crocheting. She is always crocheting. Even in her sleep, as she was now, snoring happily. I cleared my throat loudly and said, "I'M BACK."
She snorted and rolled over, still working her crochet hook. I cleared my throat again, louder this time. She snorted again and an eye opened. "Wha?"
"I'm back." I said again. Why do I always have to do everything twice with her?
She shut her eye. "I see that." She told me, though I do not see how she could 'see that' with her eyes closed. "How did it go?"
I launched into the story of my UNBEARABLE walk. "It was HORRIBLE. Annette told me that her family had adopted Katie, and now she can't hang out with us because she has to watch her night and day."
"Probably just saying that for attention." Jennifer told me.
"I guess you're right." I replied sadly. Why did Annette always want attention? Couldn't she share the spotlight once in a while? "So," I continued her story, "I had to finish my walk with RACHELLE, because Nikki was busy watching Henry and Nina. And she was going ON and ON about how horrible Annette was, AND she was being really really ANNOYING." What can I say, I like attention. "She laughed so hard at stuff that wasn't even funny. And she was whining and whining and whining ALL the time." I whined.
"Awww…" Jennifer is so sympathetic. She opened her eyes to look at my in a sisterly it'll-all-be-okay way, but instead she looked at my feet. "YOU'RE STANDING ON MY SCARF YOU INGRATE!" she SCREAMED.
"Sorry," I apologized quickly.
"GET OFF OF IT!"
I stepped backwards and crashed into Jerry. "What are you doing in my house?" I demanded.
"Uhhh…" He looked puzzled. "I was at the Rec Center a minute ago…"
"Oh dear," I shook my head. "I must've teleported you here because I was just wishing you'd notice me. Sorry…you'll be back were you belong in a second." I crossed my arms and blinked, hard, like Jeanie the Genie from that old television show I Dream of Jeanie. Instead of teleporting him back to the Rec Center, all him clothes disappeared. I snapped back to reality. I had bumped into Neddy. "D'oh!" I cried.
"What? Huh? What?" Neddy said, as stupid as ever.
"I just bumped into you, Shit-head," I stated. "That's all."
"Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight." Neddy winked at me.
"EW!" I pushed him away from me. "What are you doing here, anyway?"
"Ummmmmmmmm…I forgot." Neddy said stupidly.
I threw up my hands in surrender. "You are HOPELESS." I told him.
Jennifer laughed. "Hopelessly stupid!"
Neddy burst into tears. "Oh, boo-hoo!" he blubbered thickly. "I'm running away and I'm never coming back, you hear me! NEVER!"
It was my turn to say "Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight."
"I kid you not!"
"Well, you're going back to Edgecombe in a couple of days, so you'll miss the plane and you'll be stuck here forever. No dances every Saturday."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Neddy fell to his knees.
"YES." Jennifer said, delighted by his misery.
"FINE, I won't run away, but I want you to know that you have upset me very much."
"And we should care…why?"
"Um…?"
I grabbed Jennifer's hand. "Good-bye." I said to Neddy, dragging Jennifer to her feet.
"Bye-bye." Jennifer waved at him, grinning like a fool. I rolled my eyes at the ceiling and dragged her upstairs. "I wanted to hang out with Neddy." She pouted.
"Don't you want some yum-yums?" I said, holding up some candy.
"No." she said, crossing her arms and scowling at the floor.
"More for me!" I began to eat the yum-yums—I mean candy.
"Noooooooo!" Jennifer squealed, snatching at the sweets.
I scolded her, "None for bad girls."
"I'm a good girl! I'm a good girl!" she shrieked. Finally I gave in when she promised to be a good girl. She started to crochet again, and fell asleep. I went on my computer and played Pong for a while, got bored, and commenced playing with my hair in the mirror.
"Cara baby, you are one hot momma." I told my reflection. "Yes I am." I replied to myself, strutting my stuff, though there wasn't much to strut. I blew a kiss at the mirror. I spanked myself. I winked at my reflection. I kissed the mirror, leaving a good deal of spit on the glass. "I am so hot I'm surprised I don't come with air-conditioning!"
"Me too," said Neddy.
"Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" I shouted in alarm.
"Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" he shouted in alarm back.
Wanting to get the last word, I shouted again, "Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" which really did not seem necessary.
"Gawd, how long have you been there?"
"I followed you upstairs."
"Don't you have a stupid convention to go to?"
"They won't let me go to them anymore. They say I'm a 'hazard'."
"…"
"Wanna dance?"
"I don't want to dance with you! EW!"
"FINE." He stomped downstairs. I grinned and went back to the mirror.
Okay next chapter includes a clown, break-dancing kitty, Bob the Builder, Jerry naked, the murder of Neddy, the Rat who claims To Be a Freakin' Monkey, and ill-fitting ice skates.