Hi! My first finished MerlinxArthur. I love modern AU Merthur for some reason.. I would like to write a Merthur more true to their characters, I tried to do it with this one but I'm not sure.. Please tell me what you think and what you think about the story! It would be really helpful!

I don't own Merlin or any of the characters!

I walk down the stairs to the kitchen. I know I behaved like an ass yesterday but I'm still not surprised she hadn't left. She is amazing. Really. I had another argument with my father and I took it all out on her, but she is still here. I sit down by the table and wait for her to finish preparing breakfast.

"Feeling better?" She asks me and handles me the breakfast.

"Gwen, about last night.."

"It's fine. You were upset. I understand." She interrupts me quickly and smiles, but I can see it isn't a true smile. I say nothing though. She is tough. I know that. But sometimes I wonder if I am slowly breaking her apart.

"Thanks for preparing breakfast for me." I say and try to smile, but probably fail as much as she had done before.

"No problem."

I started dating Gwen in our last year of high school and we've been going steady since then. Our relation is mainly.. emotional. She is a wonderful girl; sweet, caring and kind. She has helped me through many tough times and I've helped her through both grief and pain. Last month she moved in with me and for most people, it seems like our relationship is going steady. If only that were true.

It's not her fault, and I've really tried my best. After numerous failed relationships in the past I've finally found someone who cares for me and that I actually enjoy being with. That I like talking to, taking walks with and do most stuff couples do together. Except everything physical. And with everything, unfortunately I mean everything. I've always thought that when I started dating a girl I liked, that my physical issues would go away. That maybe I would want what other guys my age want. I had no problem with holding her when she was crying over her father, or when she massaged my neck after that ridiculous soccer accident (which I just want to forget), but as soon as anything get romantic I kind of.. freak out.

I've never talked to her about it, but I think she knows. I try to hug her, kiss her, hold her hand and all that, but it doesn't feel good. And I don't know why. Before we got together I had no problem hugging her as my friend, but I think I have this pressure on me that I'm supposed to do more. And that pressure doesn't really make it better.

At first I thought I was just scared. I know lots of people get scared, both guys and girls for taking the first step. But I'm not actually scared about being intimate with anybody, I'm scared that I'll never want to be intimate with anybody.

Yeah. I'm a mess and I know it. And worst of all I can't help to take my frustrations out on Gwen. I still come whining to her (don't tell anybody I whine) whenever me and my father has a fight, and sometimes I take out my anger at her by yelling and breaking something (hopefully it's something of mine).

I sigh and close the door behind me. I know I should've apologized to Gwen but it's starting to get ridiculous. It feels like it's every other day I'm apologizing for something, be it my mood, lack of physical contact or anything else.

I take my way to my favorite cafe. I usually go direct to work in the morning but considering the argument I had with my father last night I think I can delay my arrival. I order my usual cappuccino and sit down by the window. The weather seems to reflect my mood and withing seconds it's pouring down and I'm grateful I'm inside.

My cappuccino arrives and I am just about to take my first sip when the door opens and a man rushes in, soaking wet, and almost collides with me making me spill out my drink all over me.

"Oh shit man! I'm really sorry!" He says and rushes to the disk to get me napkins. He is back within seconds and starts helping me clean.

"Hey! I can do that myself, thank you very much. And what do you think you're doing rushing in like that? I could've burned myself!" I say angrily taking the napkins from his hand.

"I was trying to escape from the rain! Maybe you haven't noticed but it's practically pouring outside! And I said I was sorry, stop being such a prat!" He spits out.

"What is a prat?" I say half angry, half amused.

"That's what you are!" He says mockingly.

"In that case you're an idiot! Who else would come rushing in to a cafe like that just because it's raining outside?"

"Hey, I don't want to catch a cold, prat."

"You don't have to run once your inside, idiot."

"And you don't have to be a prat about it!"

"Excuse me sir. Do you want to order anything?"

Be both look up to the waitress. I hadn't even realized he had sat down opposite me at the table and taken off his coat.

"Yes please, can you get me a cup of coffee?" He says politely.

"Of course. Do you want a new cappuccino, sir?"

"Yes, thank you." I answer quickly.

I look at the idiot that is now searching his bag for something. He picks up a large book and puts it on the table between us. I just look at him when he starts reading with no more words.

"Hey, don't you think you can sit somewhere else? I was kinda here first." I say harshly.

"Really? I didn't notice." He says absently.

"You made me spill my cappuccino!"

"Yeah, sorry about that. I'm usually the clumsy one, I know how it feels."

I am just about to tell him that actually, he is the clumsy one since he rushed into me but then my cappuccino arrives and he's quick to change the subject.

I would never have thought that it could be so easy to talk to a stranger, yes we are mostly bickering and I still think he is a complete idiot and he that I am a prat, but it is still.. easy. And I kind of like it.

So when I tell him I have to go, without forgetting to insult him when I do, I kind of wish I could ask him to meet again. But I don't. It would be weird. Why would we meet again? We don't even like each other and we have no reason to meet again. No reason at all.

I arrive at work late. I'm almost surprised when everyone acts like normal. I would almost have expected a scene after how badly things was yesterday. But I'm glad if we can get back to normal. I don't like my job, but I don't know what to do otherwise and it pays well. Really well.

"Princess! Finally daring to show up?"

I look up from my work to see my secretary looking back at me with a smirk.

"Heard you had a big argue with your dad last night? Is that why you're late?"

I nod absently. It isn't the entire reason of course, but I have no idea how to explain my meeting with Merlin so I leave it at that.

"Was it about marriage again then?"

I nod again. It's not always about marriage, but at least 95 percent of the times. Apparently the company would be benefited if I got married, especially if it is to a business lady. I think he would be fine if I told him I should marry Gwen, he doesn't like her but at least she can give him grand children.

"You know Arthur, I think he has a point. For how many years have you two dated now? Four? I think now might actually be a good time. Gwen won't wait forever, you know? Don't tell anyone but I think Lance, you know computer Lance, has a crush one her. And I saw them lunching together last week, if you don't hurry, someone might take her away from you!"

I sigh. I know there's been something going on between my girlfriend and our IT-consult Lancelot. But I can't make myself care. I want to feel jealous, angry, betrayed, whatever normal guys feel when they suspect their girlfriend is falling for someone else. But that's not what I feel at all. I don't even want to think about what I feel.

"Don't you have work to do?" I ask instead and Gawain luckily takes the hint and leaves, something normally doesn't happen.

When I finish work it's already late and dark outside. I can't help but notice the cafe from earlier is open though. I pass by, not at all looking for anyone special. So when I get in, order a cappuccino, sit down at the same spot as this morning, it has nothing at all to do with the annoying idiot with way too big ears smiling back at me.

Nor does it have anything to do with him all the other evenings when I rush into the cafe to have the same cappuccino and sit at the same spot, opposite to him. And if I get late for work because I lose track of time with trying to contour all his ridiculous insults, it has nothing to do with me wanting to meet him as much as possible.

"You seem happier nowadays." Gwen says one morning.

I stop what I'm doing and look at her. She smiles at me.

"Has anything good happened at work? Have you made things up with your father? You've not said a word about him for almost a month, before I heard something every other day."

I don't know what to respond. I have talked about him, but not with her. I spend the whole evening ranting about his latest outburst.. to Merlin. Everything that had happened lately, I had told Merlin. I even told him about not caring about whether Gwen hooked up with Lance and how frustrated I was about not being able to care about anyone. Why? Why have I even told him that. When did we go from pointless bickering to having deep, serious discussion about stuff that actually mattered. Now when I think about it I think I know more about Merlin's past relationships and feelings than I do about Gwen's. I know he used to date a kind girl named Freya and how he broke up with her when he came out of the closet three years ago. I know that he has a cat named Kilgarrah and that he studies to be a doctor. I know his biggest dream is to make a change in the world and that his passion is learning as much as possible to become the most competent doctor alive. I know he cares a lot about his mother and is worried he has disappointed her because he might not be able to give her any grand children, no matter how many times she has told him not to worry about it. I know.. he's single. I know he's looking for a relationship, a real one. With someone that really cares about him, like Freya did, but someone he is attracted to.

I don't know why I have never been interested to know more about Gwen, when I can't stop asking Merlin stuff about himself. With Gwen it's usually me that's complaining about something, if she has a problem she often talks to my sister Morgana about it instead. But I wouldn't want Merlin to talk to someone else, I would want him to talk to me. Only to me.

"Arthur? What's wrong?"

"Oh. Nothing. Eh, I don't know really. Maybe it's just the weather, you know I like spring, it makes me really happy!"

I know she don't buy it and I don't know if I want her to. Maybe somewhere deep down, I want her to know something's wrong and help me like she always has done. But this time, I don't deserve that. This time I should figure it out myself.

"You are late again Arthur. Does this job mean nothing to you! Do you really think you can come in when you want and leave whenever you want?"

"No father."

"Maybe you just don't fit this job Arthur! You don't seem to care the least about what I or anyone else tell you. Being chef is a responsibility, you have to take it seriously. If not the whole company will suffer. Either you step up and take your responsibility or you will be fired! You shall be the first to be here in the morning and the last to leave! Next time I hear about you being late or leaving early you can forget about coming here more."

He slams the door when he leaves after giving me a hard look, expressing just how disappointed he is in me. I sink down in the chair. I know I shouldn't be over an hour late for work at my position. But I can't make myself care. I open my bag to take up my computer to start working but instead my hand linger on my phone.

"What did he say now?"

"He was angry at me being late."

"I understand, I told you you should go."

"I didn't want to."

"Prat!"

"Idiot!"

"Hey, why am I an idiot? It's not me that was late for work! I'm actually always in time when there's something important."

"I know."

"Good."

I sigh. Gawain gives me a skeptical look when he enters my office but says nothing about me being on the phone in an obvious non-work related phone-call.

"Anyway, I might not be able to make it tonight. I have to be here until everyone else has left and I think that's way after closing hours."

"Okay."

Suddenly everything feels hard. The feeling of not seeing Merlin tonight and instead being stuck in my office 'til late night is almost suffocating.

"It's work Arthur, you're the chef. You can't just leave. I get it. You should focus on not losing your work, I know you don't want to lose it. I guess I won't see you around anymore then."

And with that Merlin hangs up the phone. I stare at it and now I really feel suffocated. It feels like something is stuck in my throat and I can't breathe properly.

"That wasn't Gwen." Gawain says matter of factly.

I don't answer.

"Listen, if you don't want to be here. Don't. Go. Find yourself a job you actually want to be at. Not everyone has to be chef, I wouldn't want that. I would rather have a social life than being stuck in a suit all day trying to please England's toughest boss."

"Aren't you?" I say teasingly trying to smirk but probably failing.

"Nah. I'm just a secretary for his son. And I've actually been meaning to tell you, I've decided to quit. I'm gonna go help out at an orphanage with a friend of mine. I don't really care about business, or if we earn two, three or twenty three billions on a year. I want to do something meaningful. This was my last week at this company."

My shock must be reflected on my face because he puts his hand on my shoulder and smiles reassuringly at me before leaving.

I send a text to Gwen to tell her I will be home late. I know it will probably not be more late than normal but I'm getting bored and Gawain has already left so I have no one else to talk to. She texts me back immediately and tells me she'll pick me up. That makes me more sad than I want to admit. She's too good to me and I know it. She doesn't deserve someone like me. Someone who has spend the latest month rushing from work early to meet another guy.

When the last person leaves I pack my stuff and leave the building. What I see when I get down to the parking slot should surprise me, but doesn't at all actually.

Gwen is already there, and so is Lance from the IT-department. They're talking about something, what I can't hear, and she has this adorable smile on her face. I've never seen that smile before. For all years I've dated her, I've never seen her smile that genuine. They don't touch, or do anything inappropriate at all. Still, I feel like I'm interrupting something. I stand there watching them for a long time. I see her shudder, she's probably cold from waiting for me. Lance, the gentleman he is, takes off his coat and wraps it around her shoulder. She blushes slightly but stops shaking. His hand linger on her back, but he lets it drop to his side shortly after and looks away.

Suddenly, I feel.. guilty. I don't know what it is exactly that makes me feel that so strongly in that moment. Maybe it's the way she looks at him, or the way he is so obviously in love with her that makes me finally realize what I should've realized years ago.

I take my phone from my pocket and send her a text. I never thought that I should break up with someone with a text message. But somehow I don't feel like I'm breaking something, it rather feels like I free her. I wait for her to receive the text and see her smile sadly at her phone. The smile she gives Lance is a lot brighter and I know I did the right thing when she gesticulates for Lance to get into the car with her. I smile to myself and leave.

I end up outside the cafe. When I broke up with Gwen I didn't really think about where I should go tonight. I don't want to go home if Gwen decides to take my advice and invite Lance over and Morgana lives over seas. I'm almost desperate enough to call Gawain but I know what he use to do on a Friday night and I don't really want to disturb him.

I sit down to the bench outside the cafe. There is only one person I can call, but something's keeping me and I'm not completely sure what. I feel.. scared. Scared of what? I'm not sure. When I pursued Gwen I was never afraid and now I'm not even going to pursue him. Right. I'm just going to call and ask if I can crash at his place. I'm pretty sure he'd say yes also. It's not that. Right. I'm not pursuing anyone and I can not be rejected, and this does not frighten me. Because I don't get scared.

So why my voice is breaking a bit when I talk to him and why there's suddenly butterflies in my stomach is a complete mystery for me.

Merlin opens the door for me with a smile. I'm not used seeing him look so casual and without his usual neckerchief. He closes the door for me and takes my coat.

"You didn't give me much time to prepare dinner or anything but I called for pizza, it should be here any minute now." He says still smiling.

"You didn't have to." I say but I'm secretly happy he did, I'm hungry as hell.

The pizza arrives shortly after and we sit down on his couch eating, something Gwen never would've allowed.

"So, you broke up with your girlfriend?" He says at last.

"Yeah."

"Why?"

I look at him confused.

"What do you mean why? You know I don't have those feelings for her."

"Yeah, but why didn't you? And what made you realize that now?"

"I.. dunno. I just felt like she was happier of with Lance and I wanted to the right thing for once."

Merlin keeps looking at me, urging me to go on.

"I dunno Merlin. I have no idea why I can't keep a girlfriend. Or why I don't want one. Or.. all that stuff. I just know that I don't."

"Ever thought of having a boyfriend?"

I almost chokes on my cola. The reaction is ridiculous I know, since I've known for a long time that he's gay. But it's more the suggestive way he says it that makes me unable to answer. Before I met Merlin that thought had never really crossed my mind. Gays were happy, girly guys that liked to dance and sing wearing bright colors. At least that's what I had thought when I was younger, then my father convinced me gays were troublemakers being unsure of themselves and having to display their insecurities in exposing themselves. None of that were true, Merlin was none of that. He was just a regular guy with a ridiculous handsome smile. A smile that made my heart flutter in a way I had never felt before.

"The thought might have crossed my mind." I say quietly. If my father knew of that I would be a dead man, but considering the circumstances I guess I already am.

"When?"

"When you told me you were gay." I answer honestly.

I look up to see Merlin smiling even more brightly, it doesn't help my rapidly beating heart at all. He puts a hand on my knee, still not helping my heart beat, and leans in close to me.

"And?" He whispers in my ear and I think my face is going to heat up.

I don't answer and instead turns my face so I'm face to face with him. I don't think I've ever noticed how incredibly blue his eyes are. I put my hand on his shoulder and feel a rush through my body. I take my other hand and put it over his.

"I think I've found one guy I'd like to date."

"If you say it's Gawain I'm gonna kick your ass." Merlin says teasingly and pushes me down in the sofa, straddling me.

Whenever I've been in this situation before I've always felt a bit uncomfortable. Like there's too much body parts touching. Now it's not enough. I can't feel his chest, arms or lips and it's frustrating.

"Get down here!" I say and drags him down on me and press our lips together.

I would've loved to explain the feeling I get from kissing Merlin. The feeling I get from having him over me, pressing himself onto me. The feeling of his hot breath to my face. But unfortunately I can't. It's really no words for explaining that feeling. I can say for sure thought, I don't feel uncomfortable at least.

"You really didn't know you were gay?" Merlin asks when he has regained his breath.

I roll my eyes but can't help but smile. He's really the cutest person I've ever seen, I won't tell him thought, I told him he was cute once and that didn't end well..

"I told you before didn't I? Being gay would mean my dad would disown me. I didn't dare even think about it."

Merlin takes my arm and puts it over the bed and lays down using it as a pillow.

"Really? I knew my mum wouldn't be thrilled but I couldn't, you know, not notice I wasn't attracted to girls. It's hard not to notice you know."

"I thought I was just insecure! Or.. I don't know. There was really no guy I was interested in before either. I mean, I thought some guys was hot but that was it. I had no idea that I would've wanted a guy before.."

"Before?" Merlin yawns and close his eyes.

"Before someone rushed in making me spill my entire cappuccino over myself!"

"Yeah.. I didn't know anyone could be just as clumsy as me!"