Lucky may have had the name Lucky...but he was not lucky in love. He had his heart broken so many times that he lost track. With every heartbreak, it felt as though a knife was being pushed deeper and deeper into his heart, making him wince in utter pain and turmoil. Today he walked the lonely street of the Bronx. Unemployed... Broken... Alone.
General Mills was a heartless company. They thought he was old news...his act was stale. He was dropped by them in an exchange for that damn rabbit who was slightly pedophillic and always using hair brain schemes to get the trix that were clearly only for kids.
He kept walking rage growing with every stride thinking of the company who wronged him.
"HEY I KNOW YOU! YOU'RE THAT LEPRECHAUN ON THE CEREAL BOXES. THEY'RE MAGICALLY-" said a random man.
"DON'T YOU DARE FINISH THAT SENTENCE... IF YOU DO I WILL MAKE ONE OF YOUR APPENDAGES SMALL AND YOU KNOW WHICH ONE I'M TALKING ABOUT!" He threatened with eyes filled with fiery rage.
"It is already as small as possible, so try as you might, you will fail tiny man. Besides, my personality compensates for it," said the man with a sexy smugness.
Lucky remembered what he learned from anger management class he repeated in his head "one two three, one two three, what the heck is bothering me?" over and over until he eventually got his cool back.
"Hey ginger? Got a light?," questioned an obvious chain-smoking transvestite from the street corner.
"Yeah I've got a light. It's called the grace of Jesus. Maybe you should look for it," replied the ginger-haired Lucky with a splash of sass.
Maybe that is what's bothering me, though Lucky. Perhaps I should get a new look, rebrand myself, get hip and back into the business. He started for the nearest hair salon.
A voice stopped him "Wait a minute my nizzle."
Lucky turned around slowly and looked up at the stunning brown was surround by a cloud of blue marijuana smoke and had corn rows very tight. It was...SNOOP DOGG.
He was standing outside of a Jews for Jesus building wearing one of those "t" necklaces. He held a Bible in one hand and a blunt in the other.
"Oh, it's you Snoop Lion. What are you doing here, on the corner of Jesus and Christ?". inquired Lucky.
"I'm a changed man my foshizzle pocket nugget. I believe in saving yourself for marriage, drinking lots of wine, and screaming L'chaim! You should join me in my quest for righteousness and for overcoming my addiction to dat booty," said Snoop.
"I can't. I'm on my way to a brothel right now. I made an appointment. I can't really cancel it, 20 dollar co-pay and all. I'll see you around Snoop a Loop," whistled the disgruntled dwarf.
"See you in hell nizzle," murmured Snoop, reading his Bible and smoking his dope.
Lucky retreated to his apartment, he walked inside and sat in the corner in the dark. The city turned off his electricity. He listened to the rain drip from the ceiling *drip**drop**drip**drop*
Where do I go from here, thought Lucky. I'm down on my luck and I could really use a buck, Lucky thought as he grabbed his tattered suede green jacket off of the floor, and opened his door
. Here we go again, Lucky thought as he tentatively crept down the hallway looking for potential customers. His street corner had been poached and he could no longer sell his charms in broad daylight. So, he slunk down the underbelly of the hallway like a snake looking for his prey. But this time, his prey was evasive and his charms were aplenty. He was overflowing with charms and he needed to get rid of some fast. He knocked on the nearest door.
"Margaery! I know you are in there you trollip! Come on baby, i've got charms for sale. I know how much you can't resist my clover," crooned the anxious little man.
Margaery peaked her head out the top story apartment window and looked at the poor mythical man with disdain. "GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE YOU LACKADAISICAL, LETHARGIC, DEAD BEAT!" She retreated.
Lucky could not believe his ears, he was seeing red and ran straight up the stairs to to apartment number 203. He remembered where her key was above the door and opened up. He walked in quietly hoping no one would see him because they would probs think he a rapist. He heard noises coming from the bedroom and wondered in awestruck wonder. He opened the door."MOTHERFUZZER!" that was all he could muster... MARGAERY WAS GETTING DRESS FROM NAKEDNESS WITH THE HOBBIT!
Lucky was stunned but managed to stutter out "How could you and with one of my own kin?!"
Margery furrowed her wrinkled old face and replied "That's not your kin...That's Kanye West."
"Hey my main man, what's happening?" Kanye West asked as he dazedly stared at his reflection in a hand held mirror.
"What the fuh-nozzle!" shouted Lucky.
Margery wrapped herself in a bean bag chair covering her nakedness. She approached the volatile dwarf.
"I'm sorry Lucky, but your charms just don't do it for me anymore. I'm tired of all that irish garble. Let's forget about our relationship and move on. Besides, tiny short tempered gingers aren't really my type. I'm into men with careers. I heard about General Mills and I must say, bravo on their part. You're nothing but a washed up old pervert you lady charmer you! Go charm some other ladies with your snake!" Margaery shrieked in defiance.
"You bishotchianiac! How dare you disregard my culture! I cannot help my stature nor my hair color. And my temper is society's fault! Why am i being punished for something that's not my fizzlin fault!" Lucky groaned.
Lucky departed the apartment in a haze of despair, like a mole creeping from its burrow. He meandered back to his apartment, taking care not to crush his cockroach friends under his feet. He entered the apartment to the friendly sound of *drip *drap *drop.
Lucky sighed into his hands, praying to Tom Cruise for salvation. He crawled into the bathroom to stare at his framed picture of Josh Nichols from Drake and Josh, so that he may have hope to live.
The *drip *drap *drop did not stop and Lucky found himself tapping his tiny boy feet to the beat. This gives me an idea, thought the red-haired mongrel.
Lucky went to the local library and asked to use the computer because he couldn't afford one of his own. He went on garageband and made 'funky-fresh' beats that were so dope that mozart would cry tears of joy but mostly because he was able to hear again cause he was dead and his ears had decayed 200 years ago. "
"My how my lobes tingle with the sensation of this funky fresh beat," Mozart inquisitively grinned snapping his bones that were once called 'fingers'.
Mozart released his soul to see who the musical genius was and looked sadly upon the little man. He heard about his General Mills blunder from the New York Times and knew something needed to be done.
Mozart materialized his spirit and popped out through the computer screen. "HOWDY?" He shrieked.
Lucky looked at the ghostly face and screamed bloody murder...then he fainted and twitched foaming from the mouth because Mozart was so damn scary.
When Lucy woke up he looked into the face of the decrepit, skeleton. "What the fuzzle? This is an unbelievable occurrence! I am so shocked! I am so scared! I am so turned on!" shouted Lucky.
"Same," said Mozart pulling out his blunt.
"But feelings aside, I'm here to help you Mister Dwarf. I have to admit that I am quite surprised that such a small man can emanate such a giant beat. You have intrigued me, sir and I cannot depart back to my coffin until we have made beautiful music together," Mozart winked.
"I accept your offer, you damned creepy ghost. I can no longer make sweet beats in loneliness. From this day forth, sweet beats will only be the product of friendship...and perhaps something more," Lucky mused with a sly eye.
"Sonny, I haven't had working muscles since the seventeenth century. Don't toy with me," Mozart replied, panting heavily.
The two musical geniuses had a sexually charged staredown for exactly twenty minutes. The librarian shushed them repeatedly, for the sound of their hearts resonated in the caverns of that bookish hell. Not to mention the sound of Lucky licking his lips and Mozart's tingling earlobes.
"SHHH!" the librarian exalted.
"You are just jealous you dimwitted Muggle!" Lucky cried.
"Indeed! What a dunce!" Mozart cheered.
The librarian placed his head in his hands and began to mutter, as quiet tears rolled down his plump cheeks in waves of emotions. Let's just say that this was a tsunami.
"Her name was Lola…." the librarian sniffled as he injected botox into his cheekbones.
"Shut it you decrepit monsoon of idiocy!" Mozart shrieked with a fury that no hell hath.
"Let's not anger him Mozzy," Lucky started. "Barry Manilow has a very intense fanbase. Not to mention many unsterile needles lying around with silicone."
"I heard that you son of a mongoose!" Barry Manilow, the esteemed librarian sobbed. "Now you will know my fury!"
"COPAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Manilow screamed to the ceiling of the prestigious library.
Men in fancy suits, snapping their fingers and dripping grease from their hair scaled down the walls and crept from the windows. They had come to answer the call.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" the poised porpoises replied.
The men began to circle Lucky and Mozart who were sweating like week old cheese.
"You insulted our master. Now you must pay!" the leather encased sausage men grinned.
"Please no! Pleaseee sweet Oprah help me!" Lucky pleaded to the heavens.
"See ya on the other side sexy!" Mozart chuckled as he materialized back into the computer, entering eternal sleep once more, breaking yet another promise (I still have your ring you son of a mongoose!).
"Well, I should have seen that coming." Lucky mused as the sausage manilow's injected Botox into Lucky's cheekbones.
"Let this be a warning you cursed small man! If you ever insult the greatest songwriter of all time we will kick you in the tuchas!" Manilow's trained fanclub/ Jewish book club announced with a grumble and a mumble.
"Why would I insult Leslie Hall?" grumbled Lucky.
The leader of the bubble poppin' gang slapped Lucky on his freshly plumped cheek.
"You have one more chance little orange one. One more chance…" the leader whispered ominously in Lucky's nostril.
The gang slowly backed out of the library, swarming, circling, and protecting Manilow.
"His resignation will be on the desk by morning!" the men shouted.
"It's not safe, not safe, not safe!" they murmured schizophrenically.
Lucky sat by the library computers, pondering quietly the previous events. Mayhaps some good will come from this, Lucky said rubbing his sore and festering cheekbones. I'm out of a job and one just opened up, Lucky mused.
"Think again buddy boy."
Lucky whipped around so fast that he got whiplash and cried out from the sheer ecstasy of the pain.
"Who? What? How?!" Lucky moaned.
There, in the fluorescent lighting of the library stood Clint Eastwood in a feathered cowboy hat and leather assless chaps.
"I know all," the primal man croaked, chewing on stick of beef jerky.
"The position has been filled you illuminati port-a-potty. Now skidaddle." Eastwood deadpanned as he gargled bourbon.
A tender breeze blows, whispers through a Gran Torino, the assless chaps man began to croon.
"Hahaha! Good one old pal!" Eastwood mysteriously replied to an empty chair next to him.
What a weirdo, Lucky thought as he exited the library and meandered sexily to the bus stop. He knew what he must do.
"Next stop, Boise Idaho!" the jittery little man shrilled as he raced to the bus stop, as pigeons flew overhead watching his mysterious journey to fulfillment and purpose, occasionally defecating on the haze of orange and green zooming below them.
"Oh life, how you tickle me so! My mind is a trepid lover with whom you have toyed too long! Take me life! If you care for me, as I care for you, take me! My heart blazes in a torrent of emotion, yet you elude me with your ethereal light that shines from your breath, the wind that moves my feet. Your lips on my collarbone, I shiver…. Oh life! Thy beauty so divine and thy heart so pure, my eternal temptress! Am I fated to live my days two steps ahead of your loving embrace? Accursed destiny! Do not condemn me to take death to my marriage bed! I plead with your fated spindles to unwind time and bring life to my bosom! Life, my love, take me! Take me and we shall make our mark on the heavens and in the heart of the sky! Take me!" Lucky began to shout.
"Shut up you nonsensical pansy!" cried the old homeless woman who camped out under the bushes by the McDonalds.
Suddenly, he caught his shoe in a piece of gum on the pavement.
"Ding dang diggety dog! Squirtle burtle son of a turtle!" Lucky poetically yelled to the women of ill repute on the street corner.
"What a wordsmith…" the women murmured.
Lucky felt pride by the woman's sweet words about his vocabulary.
"What is ye name, fair garbage dame?" Asked the small man.
"Gabourey Sidibe, my main man." She winked and giggle. She giggled so much that the garbage cans she was sitting in front of rattled like an earthquake.
Lucky bent down and kissed her sausage-like ligatures that reeked of Kentucky Fried Chicken.
"Oh wee man, I've been dropp'd on my tooter by Sony after the 2008 release of Precious and now I am unemployed." A greasy tear rolled down her cheek. Lucky observed the tear and and invade her personal space.
"What the fu-" she was cut off.
"A woman must know when to be quiet." He moaned misogynistically.
He supported his body on the tin garbage cans and licked the tear off her face. Gabourey winced in pleasure. It felt like there were fireworks in her heart...or just some more heartburn from the KFC. She couldn't remember the last time a man made her feel this way. Wait a minute- a man never made her feel this way... this was an entirely new experience. She wasn't going to let it slip through her finger. She grabbed him by the coat and had him look deep into her chocolate orb-saucers. She had a burning in her loins that burned like the Great Chicago Fire (she wasn't born yet) and nothing could put it out cause it was wizard fire started by Alex the wizard from Disney channel.
"Dearest gal, we have so much in common being failures of our companies, we must consummate love. But this is no place for lovin, come back to my place, yo." he yanked her chin.
They walked back to his apartment and discussed in quietude.
"You feelin' lucky punk?" she asked.
"OH GOD DON'T REMIND ME OF CLINT I HATE THAT TASTELESS MASHUGANA!"
Gabourey sat on the couches covered in plastic seat coverings and fell asleep but was quickly woken up by the force of Lucky's Croc shoe.
Lucky looked her in the eyes. 'Well, give me your body or GTFO!" Lucky threatened.
Gabourey was getting neurons now because she was a Virginian and didn't even know that the boys and the girls had different anatomical parts! She laid down her sweet head. Lucky felt sympathy.
"I have something that will help you relax." he said. He pulled out one of his charms which was the rainbow one and held it out in front of her. "Eat it and all the dreams of your wildest imaginations will be true and stuff." he assured.
Gabourey ate it and her eyes shot open and bulged out of her head. Her eyes looked like slot machines and she rolled onto to lemons...She hit the jackpot. Her engine was sent into overdrive. She foamed from the mouth in a fury of pleasure while screaming "THERE'S GONNA BE LASAGNA FOR DINNER TONIGHT WOOO EEEE BABY,!" and "THERE'S A RAINBOW IN MY POT OF GOLD."
There tongues crashed into each other, she was much stronger though so with each smack it was like a mac truck hitting a smart car... "OMG I better call state farm after this for collision damage." said Lucky with intense sensuality.
"Like a good neighbor statefarm is there." she started singing with a whole lot of talent.
"JK I have Allstate...you bogan." he leered.
Gabourey broke the lip lock and Lucky wa nervous that he offended the mistress of lust. "Presumptuous bastard."But then she just smiled and said, "You're in good hands."
"How about we be progressive and make our way to the mattress...lol." Lucky said cleverly.
They meandered and did the dirty deed ... knocked boots... the horizontal hokey pokey. He put his left hand in and put his left hand out he put his left hand in and he shook it all about. Lucky was feeling the magic too. "Ugg Hhhhhhhhhh" he muttered weakly. His clover was limp and yellow...dying. She brought up his energy level on his battery
OH NO THough! Lucky accidently gave her the enemy mushrooms charms that do bad things to your nemesis. She suddenly fell asleep during the loving.
"OMG WTF is up with ye skin dark witch?" inquired lucky.
She levitated in the air naked and in a burst of sudden light suddenly turned into an old maid with grey kinky hair and a jamaican accent with dreads inside a jamaican pride hat. Her hair was really kinky. "P.U. Mun, wut is dat stink mun? I got to leave mun pleasure to take yu charms but i have headache so i go home now. She waddled to the stairs singing/painting "Dayo, Dayo, Daylight come and I gotta go homeeee." she turned around one last time to Lucky while he had tears streaming down his face. "Thank you for taking me pesky Virginia. Now if i could just do something about Z boil en me back." She turned around and continued to walk down the stairs.
"Don't ye want to cuddle. I have a cupcake if ye want one?" he asked weakly.
"No thank you, I already rode u rainbow and you got a piece of my pot of gold byeee." she bellowed as a reply.
Lucky shed a tear and dropped the cupcake. Inside the gooey center was a 'diamond' ring he got from the vending machine.
"There goes my chance of ever settling down." He mumbled sadly.
Lucky looked down at his bag of charms. This was just like the seventh grade party when he played seven minutes in heaven with Vera De milo God rest her soul. He could still feel her lips crusted with third degree burns. But that is another story for another time
HE returned his attention from his makeout flashback to the now jamaican woman as she waited at the bus stop across the street and lucky watched her. The moment she looked at her watch her eyes bugged out. "WEEE MAN TIME, IT IS TIME FOR ATHENA TO TAKE ME HOME BECAUSE I AM NOW A PAGAN!" She smiled her hands turned into lobster claws and she exploded into a million pieces of stardust and lucky watched her through some binocular he found (THEY WERE FROM THE PREVIOUS OWNER). "There goes a beautiful woman I will never see again, but i will someday see her once more in the afterlife."
"GOOD LUCK WID DAT MUN! GO TO HELL LITTLE DEMUN MUN" was a shout from the heavens. Lucky looked up with his moist vision balls and saw a comet ripping across the night sky...it was her...she oozed and shimmered from the sky-A MESSAGE! Lucky squinted the stardust spelled out "THANKS BICH 3." "That my girl" he said with his eyes closed and 200 tears dripping down his swollen barry MAnilow cheeks in two whole seconds.
Lucky retreated to the spot where there was once a bed (he didn't want to go to the bed because it was a holy site now duh) and covered himself with the newspapers he used for blankets as well as toilet paper. "I will always love you." Lucy whispered and fell fast asleep...DREAMING OF REVENGE.
Lucky looked into his cracked hand mirror. Man he looked rachet. He took out a sharpie and colored in his lips dark black and then used the sharpie around his eye. He took some honey and make sticky dreadlocks in honor of his fallen homie who had recently incinerated into the night sky. He could still feel the titillating jamaican ness of her voice echoing through his sound holes. He took one final look in the mirror and thought he looked really hot so he left.
Lucky walked in with great fierceness to the local poetry bar. He wrote down his feelings on a soiled tissue he found.
He sat down waiting his turn to sparkle. When he got up it was great. He stood the spotlight while silence flooded the room. then dropped some fresh news.
Anger
sadness
found.
My beloved, my despair with the flaming hell of fiery red hair
desire swims through the dismal, dark, lonely canals of my tormented soul
the Italians and tourists of Venice never to take their flotations through the murky waters
It shrieks the pithy happiness that once was mine.
But...the lamp...0 lamp...shine it...spark the truth:
Adultery of the mind is more powerful than the sword.
NO NO I AM INDECENT! DON'T COME IN!
no, i am too decent...don't come in.
Tears of tomato salsa stream down my face while the mariachis sing sweet nothings through my twisted little mind...
for there is no other that doth make me swoon ever so roughly
oh my love...I tremble to the feline like grace that you possess never to be exercised and plighted into the deep crevasses of nothingness
all my sweet miseries illuminated in the presence of the holy eyes
I am bewitched by the brown mistress coaxing me into her...deceit
cast your spell and whilst you do i shall hang from the rafters where the ivies shall not grow...swinging my legs with careless grace...MOCK ME I DARE YOU
and when you do i shall lagging lack laugh and think merry thoughts of evil as it races around the bustle bushes of my burst capillary nostrils.
a single sweat droplet drips to the floor from my unsightly hairline and my secret american soul screams with the fury of a thousand harpies.
My Prometheus, my darling...kiss me tender with force until i am no more
And together we shall tread softly in the ocean of death until the waves of depression fill our lungs and overlap our cruel decrepit bodies that kept our poor souls in a sort of lifetime penitentiary.
good good
be kind, rewind
Lucky dropped the mike while people looked at him with saucer sized eyes...