I compiled a list of things Natasha did during those five years. All relationships are platonic. This is as realistic as possible. ( I will probably do an extension/revision but I was just hurting from endgame and I think we could all use some domestic!nat )
i. she would dance. Often. It was consistency, something to grasp. She had control of this. how-when-where her feet landed against waxed floors.
ii. she cries. Not in front of people. Not on the off chance that Steve comes to visit her-which he makes a note to do at least twice a week. But during those in-between moments, when there are no meetings to hold. No emails to answer. She finds herself as she often has in life-alone. And she cries quietly out to the universe, asking why? Isn't she not supposed to be this?
iii. she gets progressively worse at covering her excitement when Steve visits. The smile fills up a room-her essence. She always invites him to stay longer and sometimes he does, caving to those eyes that are silently begging: please stay.
They watch movies.
And on these nights, she doesn't cry.
iv. when Morgan is first born Tony and Pepper bring her to the compound. the baby feels foreign in her arms. A baby? When was the last time?
She sits, quietly staring at her face-memorizing it, like something holy.
v. she keeps her hair the way it is. She lets it grow. No more covers. No more aliases. No more hiding. She shows herself to the world really-and invites it to challenge her.
vi. Okoyo tells her she can't live on peanut butter sandwiches forever and convinces her to eat two real meals a day. she teaches her little things-what to buy, how to prepare it.
She practices making spaghetti for Steve.
vii. She finds contentment in Rocket's calls and eventually even looks forward to them. A brief relief from the real world and the tragedy that constantly suffocated her.
Someone to pick on and someone to return the gesture. It reminds her of the years past. The jokes, laughs, moments that they all shared in the tower.
But this was as close as she got and that was fine with her.
viii. The nightmares are frequent and unwavering, but she becomes accustomed to them as she has done for so many things before.
xi. She's so tired. She silently prays to anything willing to answer her that one day her family will be able to rest, and that maybe this is all just a bad dream. Of course, she is not naive enough to believe it herself-but maybe one day she can.