Please review if you want another chapter, if I get no reviews there's no point continuing the story because how do I know if you guys like these types of stories?
Disclaimer: All characters, objects, spells and places in this story belong to J.K Rowling.
TRIGGER WARNINGS IN THIS CHAPTER: Self-harm, Mentions of child abuse, Depression, Mild cursing.
Hermione/Draco Pairing
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Draco rolled over in his bed in pain, there was no comfortable way to lay down, he leaned on his left arm because his right was still aching from the previous day's affairs. He stared in annoyance at his clock, it was sharply defined by a convenient ray of silver moonlight.
Almost 5 o clock.
That meant he'd been lying here without sleeping for just shy of six hours. He reached out and grabbed his wand that was laying on his nightstand ready for use and muttered a curse.
"Lumos"
A rather dull and depressing light flared from the tip of the Slytherins wand, only just illuminating the Head Boy quarters. The deep green covering most of the furnishings looked gloomy and grim in the light. Draco sighed, sitting up in his bed playing with his wand his eyes missing color and happiness.
He pulled back his sleeve on his left arm and held his wand over his wrist, he was checking how well his cuts were healing.
Draco was glad he was one of Snape's favorites students in potions, Snape often trusted him alone in his classroom and he had managed to steal a few healing potions. Sure, he could make them himself, he wasn't terrible at potions but he didn't have the time or ingredients.
By now there wasn't much evidence left on his wrist, there were scratches and his skin was red as the healing potion only stopped the blood. But still, nothing too noticeable remained. Other days/nights had left deeper marks; the imprint of a word here or there, deep lines and just healing scars.
Draco ran his finger across his bumpy wrist, lost in his thoughts.
He had been thinking about the same thing for hours on end. No wonder why he hadn't gotten any sleep. He looked at his wrists again the old scarring from worse nights wouldn't heal for quite some time. The pain was already starting to disappear and this was what he feared most. When the pain went away it was harder to force the demons out of his head.
His door was locked shut and the castle was silent, he was safe and would not be discovered. Even so, he listened intently for any sound of the Head girl, sleeping in the quarters next to his.
Mud-blood Granger.
Out of all people he had been forced to share a common room with. There was nothing but silence and the sound of his clock ticking over.
Quietly he reached to the shelf underneath his bedside table and pulled out a thick book and a quill that was next to it, it had a rather sharp looking point and Draco held his wand with one hand and used the other to pull back down his pajama sleeves then he opened the book.
Some people might have called it a diary, but they obviously didn't know Draco well enough to know that such things were below him, it was more like a place to write down his thoughts that he would never dare to tell another soul. But there was also drawings and doodles, on some pages all there was were angry slashes of ink.
However, nothing inside of this book was written in ink. Every single thing was written in blood.
Draco flipped through the pages until he found the next empty page while smoothing down the page then he started to write.
Can't sleep. Much the same as normal.
He paused for a moment staring at his bare arm, and sure enough, the words he had written appeared on his arm. He watched the wound slowly heal, the healing potion from earlier obviously hadn't worn off yet. He grimaced at the pain for a second then carried on writing.
I can't stop thinking of the idiot who I address as my father. He wouldn't approve of what I'm doing now, he would beat me and say that it was a disgrace to the Malfoy name.
He'd stolen the quill from his fathers set of Dark Art items last summer. He wasn't going to use it in this way when he found it, he just wanted to make sure that it worked. But the pain soon became very addictive. He had studied plenty of books to work out the charm to change the quill so it didn't cut your hand but your arm instead, he considered this one of his great triumphs because it was not easy.
I remember the first time he used The Cruciatus Curse on me, It was when I was only 7 he hadn't cared in the slightest that the ministry named it one of the three unforgivable curses. He treats me like a machine, once I finish school I'm going to get the dark mark, and without school, I'll have nowhere else to hide. I'm sick of life.
The final three words cut deeper the usual
Draco dropped his wand and gripped his arm, trying to stop the blood flow. If anyone ever saw, if anyone even suspected what he was doing, he was dead.
But death didn't seem like such a bad thing either.
Closing his book with a snap he placed it back in its home with the quill. Draco picked his wand back up, he made sure to be quiet as he didn't want nosy Granger to hear him "Tergeo" he whispered pointing towards his clothing and to his relief, the blood stains started to vanish. Draco put his wand back on the table and closed his eyes, he felt much better now that all his mind could focus on was the pain instead of spitting insults at him.
Draco was asleep for around 15 minutes before he awoke himself out of a nightmare.
~Change of Scene~
"Did you actually sleep at all last night, Malfoy?"
Hermione shot these words at him as soon as he had walked into the common room the next morning. Raising his head, Draco gave her a baleful glare. He was already well aware that laying awake in the small hours of the night had left him looking exhausted.
Like most nights.
"And you care because...?" he replied with a sneer elegantly falling onto the sofa. Hermione looked up from her essay, giving him own of her 'Little Miss Perfect' glares. "In case you have forgotten, it's your turn to patrol the corridors tonight." she rebuked him "You look as if you're going to fall asleep, honestly Malfoy you're so irresponsible."
Draco grabbed an apple from the fruit bowl beside his seat and began playing with it passing it from hand to hand "...and honestly Granger you're too nosy. It's none of your business what time I go to sleep." he spat back at her.
"It is my business if it damages your jobs as Head Boy." she replied scribbling some more things on a piece of paper" Draco mouthed some insults to her.
Why did Dumbledore have to pick her to be Head Girl?
It had to be Mud Blood Granger, didn't it?
Hermione glanced up from her essay "Are you going to eat that apple or keep playing with it like a child until it becomes bruised? Draco realized he had been passing it from hand to hand faster and faster, judging by Grangers reaction Draco figured the noise was annoying. Grinning he continued playing with it and answered her.
"Just wondering if I could knock you out with this or whether I would need something heavier to get past your thick skull" he drawled grinning cruelly.
Hermione glared at him and rolled her eyes "Just eat it already." she spat. Draco laughed at her and stopped playing with it while turning to face her "What will you do If I don't?" he asked in a mocking tone. She reached for her wand and pointed it at Draco "I'll hex back you into the middle of last week." she said in an irritated tone
"Really?" he smirked. He knew annoying Granger would be the highlight of his day so he tried to make the most of it.
"Don't test me. Just eat the apple and let me finish reading with some peace and quiet." she said emphasizing the word 'quiet' He stopped messing around with the apple getting bored and took a big bite of it. Half the apple later Hermione got up. Picking her books up she slid them into her bag. "Breakfast is in a few minutes, Malfoy."
Draco waved his apple at her "I'm not going today, not particularly hungry." Hermione glared at him as she closed her bag and lifted it over her shoulder "I don't know how you expect to learn, you've barely slept and now you're refusing to eat a proper breakfast."
"It's called having a brain Granger." he called after her as she walked out the door.
Draco rolled his eyes and threw his half eaten apple into the bin next to him. A true 'Slytherin' thought came to mind and he jumped to his feet, crossing the room to Hermione's. He knew she wouldn't be back for at least another 30 minutes.
Draco reached her room and pushed the door open, scanning the room for any hexes that she might have added for extra security but surprisingly, there were none. Draco walked to her wardrobe and opened it cautiously, when nothing happened he pushed her black school robes aside. His silver quick eyes were trained by Quidditch to pick up even the slightest of details. Soon, he found what he was looking for. It was a small silver ornament shaped like a stag.
Potters patronus. An interesting choice.
Draco sat down on her bed and tapped the ornament with his wand a few times muttering a charm "Nuyiha" the stag started to twist, turn and morph until it stopped. Now it was a plain brown book, bold golden words on the front of it.
'Diary'
Flipping through the pages with a satisfied smile, he started to read where he left off last time.
~New Scene~
Draco muttered their common room password yawning as he did so and entered the room. It had been a long and tiresome day, the lessons had felt like they dragged on for hours, and the amount of homework was ridiculous. He spent his lunch in the library trying to keep up with it all. He had returned to his common room for a few minutes of rest before he had to go patrolling the corridors.
Which is why it annoyed him intensely when Hermione looked up from her book and rebuked him "Where have you been? Did you not know that it's your shift to patrol and I am NOT doing it for you and honestly you look like a complete mess." He leaned against the door frame "Granger shut up, I know I have to go patrolling it's been an extremely hard day and I've returned to get a few minutes of rest, thanks for the ego-boosting comment it was bloody what I needed right now."
Hermione looked shocked "Sorry Malfoy..."
"You should be" he snapped back making his way to his door, opening it wide then shutting it with a bang and slumping down on the other side of it.
5 minutes of peace.
He opened his eyes slightly, hoping to find his bed so he could crash onto it and get some rest. He froze against the door frame for a moment staring in fear at what was in front of him, it was his father's owl, he didn't have a name.
Draco got up and clumsily walked over to the window opening it and grabbing the letter from the owl's claws. When the owl didn't leave Draco got irritated "Go on. Shoo. I'm not sending a reply back so piss off." With a hoot, the owl left and Draco slammed the window shut as soon as it left. He had so much anger boiling up inside of him, he looked out the window at the lake, it was so calm, so peaceful, unlike his emotions that were threatening to break the mental dam he created to keep them in check.
Draco knew what the letter would say.
He sat down on his bed, staring at it for a second before deciding to open it
Draco,
I trust everything at school is going well, you better be keeping your image, it's rather unfortunate about Dumbledore choosing that mud blood to be Head Girl. But, she's Potters friend, maybe you can get under his skin. Do whatever it takes to make him feel horrible.
Come and meet me in Knock Turn alley for your weekly 'punishment' this upcoming Monday at 1 am sharp. It will be this late because I don't want anybody finding us. I won't discuss what I'm talking about in this letter in case someone else finds it. But I"m sure you know what I'm referring to. Do not be late or you will regret it and remember I only do these things to you to make you stronger.
-Lucius.
Draco barely finished reading the last line before he crumpled the piece of paper up. Every single line of the letter had an order in it, Draco was just his puppet, a machine to be tampered with. His father was always controlling him. Draco wished his father was like a normal parent. Where on this letter did he say that he loved Draco?
Nowhere. His father didn't give a shit.
His anger was boiling up inside him and he wanted to let it all out, to throw things across the room to scream at his father and tell him no and that he didn't want to be beaten he hadn't done anything to deserve it. But he was too afraid to do so.
He couldn't tell anyone about it anyway, he was known as the arrogant scary blonde Slytherin. Draco shuddered at this, he knew this was how people viewed him but it wasn't him, it was just an act he had to keep up.
The Malfoy reputation was at risk.
He didn't care much for this, though, but his father did.
Draco was in pain, it wasn't physical but it was mental and he had to block the thoughts from his head, somehow they stung deeper than any cut or physical injury could.
Draco reached for his book and his quill. He didn't bother writing words, he had to stop the voices now. He ripped his sleeve down and he made a long deep slash in the pages, not caring about keeping his voice down he was sure Granger had already gone to go meet Hagrid or something like she normally did most nights.
The pain of it hit a second later and he stared down at his arm as a long line that went the whole length of his forearm started to appear. There was too much blood, Draco reached for one of Snape's healing potions and chugged it fast, he was glad that he had these. They kept the pain but stopped the blood. His right hand shook as he reached for his quill that he had dropped and he started to write in a rumble of words.
I'm useless and worthless, I'm just your little puppet, aren't I? I won't let you dictate everything I do, I will choose my own future, no I won't let you...
He was so focused on what he was doing, so focused on stopping the demons in his head that it took a shocked gasp from the doorway to bring him back to reality.
He dropped the quill almost instantly and slammed the book shut pulling down his sleeve and bringing his arm to his chest, but the damage was done. Hermione Granger stood in the doorway fear and pity in her eyes her mouth covered by her clasped hands.
Draco gave her a murderous glare "You saw nothing." he hissed "Nothing, understand?"
Hermione wasn't a Gryffindor for nothing and she stood to her full height "N-no, I did see something. Malfoy, this is serious you could really hurt yourself."
"Like you give a damn"
Her eyes widened "Of course I do, you might kill yourself doing that..."
Draco rolled his eyes in annoyance at her "And the only reason you care about that" he tried to control his anger while answering "is because it wouldn't look good for you." He began to mimic Professor McGonagall; "You didn't even realize that the boy you shared quarters with was doing this to themselves? Not a very good Head Girl are you, Miss Granger?"
"That's not the reason I'm worried. You're hurting yourself which means something must be wrong."
"Whatever Granger I don't care." he spat "The important thing is you saw nothing, nothing at all."
She shook her head backing away through the door "You can't do anything if I tell the teachers. They will help you, it's for your own good."
"I know what my own good is better than you. You will not tell anyone." he hissed
"I will..."
Draco played the ace up his sleeve remembering what Hermione had hidden her diary as,
Potters Patronus.
It was worth a shot.
"If anyone finds out about this I'll tell the entire school about your little crush on Potter." he sneered
"He's just my friend," Hermione said nervously.
"Don't lie, Granger, I'm not the only one who writes things down in a book."
Hermione stared at him her eyes wide "You mean to say that you read my Diary...?" she asked a little too shocked
Draco threw her an arrogant smile "Sure did."
Hermione was now angry "That's private how could you?!"
Draco was still smiling "I'm a Slytherin, it was expected of me. So you keep my little secret and I'll keep yours. Deal?"
Hermione didn't have a crush on Harry, they were just friends. But Hermione thought about how awkward it would be if Harry thought she was attracted to him. What if he tried to ask her out? She would decline of course because she doesn't have a crush on him but what would that mean for their friendship. Hermione didn't want to ruin it.
Hermione looked downcast, frowning, trying to decide if it was worth it. "Deal." she said at last sadly "But Malfoy you have to try to stop this..."
Draco shot her a glare standing up "I don't have to do anything." he replied irritated "Now if you'll excuse me I have a night shift to go to. Goodbye."
He didn't bother trying to hide the book he wrote in, he knew Hermione would find a way to read it anyway.
No point.
So he left his room shoving past the girl.
He cursed himself under his breath for letting Hermione find out. Draco wondered if Hermione really cared but he shook the thought out of his head.
No, she couldn't.
No one cared about anyone in this selfish world.
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END OF CHAPTER:
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