The Janitor of Hogwarts
Chapter One

Note: This has been a long-running series on livejournal. I started it a year ago, it's... pretty stupid at a lot of points, and it starts off kinda slow. Over in lj we're at chapter seventeen, and while you're free to go check out the story there (http/ it's badly written, hastily written. This is a revised chapter of the first one. Over time I will attempt to get all of the chapters revised and up here, but it's gonna take time. >w Not that I seriously think I'll have too many if any fans on FF. never had any luck here

Anyway, that's the gist of it. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: Harry Potter isn't mind, naturally. So like, yeah. However, all made-ups ARE mine, so no takey.

Once upon a time, two particularly stupid people got together and did a particularly stupid thing: they had a baby. I mean, it wasn't really any desire of theirs to conceive, it just happened, like these things do. It's a good thing it did, too, because their baby wasn't any ordinary baby. It was one Teava DePerto, and she was... special. Shortbus special. Like, back of the shortbus special.

And her parents drove the shortbus.

Teava didn't seem to be anything extraordinary during her childhood, never showing any knack for a certain hobby or subject in school. Of course, whenever she happened to be in school, she was just hanging out in the bathroom smoking.

Genius just radiated off of her, though. It was so easy to tell she would be great and rich and famous one day, revered all over the world. Loved and worshiped and looked up to.

It was nighttime and it found Teava sitting on the floor of her room, attempting to listen for the carpet's heartbeat. Her ears were pressed as close to the fuzzy red material, her face screwed up in concentration. When she found nothing but the faint scurry of some rodent, the girl burst into tears.

"NOOOOO!" she exclaimed, pounding her fists on the ground in frustration. "DON'T DIE ON ME NOW! WE'VE GONE THROUGH SO MUCH TOGETHER!" Tea looked up at the ceiling, choking on her sobs and sniffling rather pathetically. "Please... don't die."

Although she was suffering from intense grief, her attention span was zip. So when she heard a knock at her padlocked, steel-enforced, barbwire-fenced window she immediately got to her feet and peered over at the window curiously.

The knock was to the tune of Mary Had a Little Lamb. Teava was fascinated.

"Hello?" she offered hesitantly, creeping closer to the window. The knocking continued, and she mentally hummed along to one of her favorite songs without realizing it.

When there was no reply other than the knocks, she yelled, "HELLOOOOO?"

There was silence in the room, but Teava's head was still humming.

"Knock, knock," said the window. At least, that's how it was in Teava's perspective. The window itself didn't really speak, and the floor never had a heartbeat, but you couldn't explain that to her. If she was capable of comprehending it, and ever did, that would probably be the end of the girl.

Bravely, she said, "Who's there?"

"Uh," the window stuttered. "Why... don't you look? Heh..." The window sounded very obviously flustered.

This provoked a pout from Teava, a lazy creature, but she decided it couldn't hurt. Making a detour to her dresser across the room, she grabbed the steak knife from her underwear drawer (it was there just in case someone got through the landmines and guard dogs). She made her way to the window, clutching the only protection she had at this point as if... her life... depended on it. Yeah, eloquent narrator.

Teava looked out the window. And proceeded to see nothing. "I'm looking," she said in a sing-song voice. "Where are you?"

A creepy voice filled the room, replying to her question with, "Dooooooownstaaaaaairs."

Teava blinked.

"Okay."

She set the knife down on the floor and proceeded to the door, and out into the hallway, past the bathroom where a creepy-looking guy stood in the doorway holding a large, blood-stained knife, and down the stairs, skipping all the while.

Her barefeet made contact with the first floor of the house. She looked around for the owner of the weird voice, but was met with nothing but darkness. Teava's shoulders sagged a bit. "Hello?" she asked once more, getting a bit frustrated.

"Behind yoooooou!" The voice had returned, and seemed to be coming from behind her.

Teava could barely contain her excitement, bouncing on the heels of her feet. "Me?"

There was a sigh, and then, "No, the oompa loompa on the ceiling."

"OMG, OOMPA LOOMPA! AAAAAHHH!" She screamed in terror, falling to h er knees with her hands covering her head right as a creepy-looking guy lunged from the stairs toward her. His plan had been to grab her, and once he had her he would have to think up some dastardly things to do to her, but that came later. No one would ever find out what his plans might have become, as he flew right past her and into a wall.

The muggle girl was still in a crouching position when sirens started in the distance. Within seconds, a dozen or so men in strange, police-uniform-looking dresses suddenly appeared in her house, heading towards the unconscious creepy guy. One made a detour towards her.

"Thank you, young woman!" He gave Teava his hand to help her to her feet. Cautiously she took it and rose unsteadily. "You just caught one of the most feared and horrible wizards there is in all the wizarding world!"

Teava chuckled a little, grasping her arms. The other wizard was pulling out his wand as she muttered, "And I thought I was insane."

And then all was dark.