Hey guys! me again. Soooooo this is the first chapter for the story and I'm so excited!
Hope you guys like it! Remember to review please :D
I might not upload the next chapter till late next week because I have my final exams and I'll be super busy with that :S
ANYWHO,, hope you enjoy :]
"Why not Katniss?" Peeta asks me, while we're curled up on the couch. It's a cold and snowy January evening, so lying in Peeta's arm is the most sensible thing to do.
"'Why not' what?" I ask him, a little too innocently.
I know exactly what he's talking about. He's been hinting about it for who knows how long.
"You know…about…well" he struggles with words for a second, which is very unlike him. I sigh, half amused at his rare awkwardness, half dreading the awaiting question.
"Just say it Peeta." he sighs.
"About having kids."
I close my eyes and take a deep breath.
"You know why," I tell him, feeling somewhat selfish.
"No," he says evenly, and then his voice turns into a whisper, "as a matter of fact, I don't."
I know Peeta wants to know; he wants the reasons why. I honestly hope he hasn't taken it… personally. The reason I've never told Peeta is because I'm not quite so sure myself. I guess I drilled myself so much to not want children, to not have them be part of the Capitol's stupid game, that it stuck. Of course it's been over 8 years since the Capitol was overturned, and with it the Hunger Games.
I still have nightmares about it though.
Terrible ones, where Snow magically resurrects and I'm forced to play in the Hunger Games once more as his snake-like eyes watch me. Others where I see Peeta die before my eyes. Once it was because of blood poisoning, in another Cato stabs him in the heart, leaving him to die in the Arena forests. In a particularly frightening one, I see Peeta being tortured in all ways humanly possible.
I hear every scream escapes his mouth, see every bruise and cut on his body, feel all his pain: mental, physical, emotional.
I imagine my children suffering that fate too, but I have to remind myself that it is behind us. "It's just that…" I start off, but voice starts to crack and uncontrollable tears flow from my eyes. In a swift and gentle motion, Peeta flips me around so that I'm facing him on the couch and I burrow my face in his chest.
"I'm sorry, Katniss. I didn't mean to make you upset." He strokes my hair and pulls me closer to him, trying to calm me down. "I-It's just that, I-I d-don't…" I try to explain but I just end up blubbering.
"Shh, shh," Peeta says, kissing my forehead. "It's okay, Katniss, you don't have to explain." He tries to keep his voice neutral but I notice there's a hint of sadness in it. I wipe the tears off my cheeks, and look straight into Peeta's beautiful blue eyes.
"It's just I'm not ready." I say, barely above a whisper. First confusion sweeps across his face, then understanding, then he starts blushing and avoids my eyes.
"I-I'm sorry," he stammers out "I didn't know you were feeling pressured. I just assumed you were ready, after 8 years and all, we know each other so well…" He starts rambling and something finally clicks in my head; my eyes grow wide, and Peeta stops talking.
"You think it's because I don't want to have sex with you." I state more than ask, feeling myself blush. He goes bright red too, and nods his head.
I can't help myself.
I burst out laughing.
I can tell my laughter confused more than hurt him, but I immediately feel guilty.
"Peeta," I say, looking into his eyes and locking my hands behind his neck. "Trust me, that is not the problem." I give him a long lingering kiss for emphasis and his face relaxes a bit.
"Than what is it?"
He really won't drop it, but I don't blame him. I know he's always envisioned having kids, and, honestly, I have too. I've had dreams where we sit in the meadows as our children run around, playing. Little boys with Peeta's stunning blue eyes and my dark hair and little girls with waist-long blonde hair in a braid and my petrifying gray eyes. They run toward us, Peeta and me, calling 'father', 'mother'. We embrace them and a look over at Peeta, seeing all the joy and pride in his face, and smile.
But sometimes my dream turns into a twisted nightmare.
Our children lose their blonde hair and blue eyes, and they all have the Seam look: brownish black hair, piercing gray eyes, olive skin. Then I look over at Peeta, somewhat confused, and I realize it's not Peeta I'm looking at anymore; it's Gale.
He smiles his old smile, the one he would give me when we were in the woods, the one that makes my heart skip a beat. But, suddenly, his sweet smile turns into a rude smirk, and he starts walking away. I notice the kids are gone and try to scream out. To Gale, to the kids, to Peeta, to anyone who'll listen. I see Gale embrace someone, a girl, in the distance, as a small boy runs around them. He turns around slowly, towards me, with his arm around the girl and carrying the little boy in his other arm. Then I remember, the wedding invitation and pictures he sent of him and his future bride.
I feel like someone has punched me in the stomach. I struggle to maintain my composure as I remember these dreams and think of an answer for Peeta. His eyes question my expression and I know I'll never be able to tell Peeta the whole truth, even if I wanted to. I can already see the hurt in his eyes when I tell him it's partly because of Gale, and how I feel he somehow betrayed me when he got married to that girl in District 2 and had a kid.
How a part, however small, of my heart will always belong to Gale, and I don't want to betray him the same way he betrayed me. I know it's all in my head, certainly Gale doesn't feel this way, but I can't help to do so.
Instead I just tell Peeta part of the reason, the part that won't hurt him.
"It's because of the Games." I finally manage to choke out. "I feel that somehow the Games are still present, that they'll be back and our kids will be forced to play in them, fighting against each other." Instead of telling me I was stupid for still being afraid of something that's been gone for 8 years, he holds me tighter and says,
"I'm scared sometimes too, Katniss, I worry about that. But we have to remember that the Games are over, that our children will never have to suffer what we did." As if on cue, we both shiver at the thought and he holds me closer.
"Our children will be safe; I will never let anyone lay a hand on them."
I feel a rush of emotion and know I was wrong for making Peeta wait years for something we both wanted. Gale pops into my mind again but I push him away. No, Gale is in the past. He's moved on; I'm free to do so too. I push Gale into a deep, dark corner of my mind, knowing he'll pop up eventually, hoping it won't be soon. I give Peeta another kiss and nestle closer into his body.