Author's Note: I know this one-shot might seriously get me into digging a grave I could roll over in, but this had to be done. I sincerely hope I don't get kicked in the shins that much for this. LOL! Anyway, the whole point here is, I'm sick and tired of jerk Sasuke. Besides it's crack. I love crack.
Summary: Apparently Sasuke and Naruto never really lost communication. So you're saying everything's been an act?
Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto.
---Dear Sasuke Teme---
Dear Sasuke-teme,
How are you? I've missed you. You better finish that damn training you're having under the snake bastard. I've been waiting for years for you to ditch the old coot. The other day I woke up feeling like crap! And it wasn't because I was sore all over from you fucking me through the mattress. It was the fact that you already left when I woke up, you didn't even tell me you were leaving that early. That pretty much ruined my whole day…still does, up until now.
Your brother's still after my ass. That damn Akatsuki is persistent. Curse your Uchiha genes, you and your brother really look a lot alike. Damn pretty faces. It's going to be the death of me.
Love you for always tebayo,
Naruto
--
Usuratonkachi,
As much as I wanted to stay you know I can't so stop whining about it. We'll just have to make do with the time we have. Orochimaru's suspicious about where I go off to whenever I ask permission to leave. Thankfully the team that he appoints to trail after me aren't so bright, they just end up loosing track of me every single time.
I swear one of these days I'll fucking kill him!
Naruto, let's meet each other at the end of the week, same time same place. I can't afford you having these thoughts about my brother.
Your slightly peeved best friend,
Sasuke
P.S. That Sai character needs to die. I still can't get over the fact he makes jokes about your dick which by the way is my private property.
--
Dear Sasuke-teme,
Do I detect jealousy Sasu-chan? Heh! Well Sai's not an overall bad guy. I used to think he's an ass but he's actually okay to hang out with these days. He knows about the communication we're still having for quite some time now and he hasn't told anyone. I think we can trust him.
Tch, you really have the whole wanting to kill me aura down. They really thought you were going to cut me into pieces. Sai said you could win the award for best actor. The bastard.
Sasuke, did you really have to put your hand on my shoulder? Not that I didn't like it because seriously I needed that assurance it's just that Yamato-taichou is still saying it was strange, saying your words were pretty much contradicting your actions. And having felt your breath against my ear, do you have any idea how much torture that was? It took all my self control to not jump your bones and fuck you on the ground in front of everybody.
Nice sword by the way but I'm still way too interested in your other big pointy thing. Kekekeke! Alright then, I'll meet you there at 11pm.
Your cute little kitsune,
Naru-chan
P.S. Asshole! Best friends don't fuck each other every chance they could get. You better rephrase that.
--
My beloved wife,
I am not the type to get jealous.
That Sai needs to keep his distance away from you or I'll feed him to the snakes. You're mine dobe! You belong only to me!
Yes I had to do that. I had to proclaim my territory. I saw the way that Sai was looking at you and I didn't like it one bit. And you have to agree it was a good move. I think after the glare I sent his way he got the general idea.
You think you're the only one feeling the torture of that meeting? Think again.
*smirk* The next time we meet I'll teach you how to use a sword. We could have a one on one match too if you want – with my other 'big pointy thing' as you have eloquently dubbed it that is.
I plan to make you scream my name and fuck you until you've got an ounce of strength left usuratonkachi. You better prepare yourself.
Your devastatingly handsome husband,
Uchiha Sasuke
--
Sasuke-teme,
What gave you the right to call me your wife? I won't be your wife as long as I have this thing between my legs.
Sure, you're not jealous! So the drawing of Sai at the bottom of the letter having his bits cut off is your way of saying you like him. Yah, that makes perfect sense. By the way, you suck at drawing.
I feel weird. I've been vomiting non-stop this morning. I think I ate something bad. My stomach feels funny. Sorry this letter is short, I feel sick again.
But I'll still meet you tonight. I'll be waiting.
Always,
Naru
--
Naruto,
You were making one hell of a good impersonation of a submissive wife the last time we met. Who kept writhing, thrashing and moaning in bed? Who was the one begging for more? Who kept groaning "fuck me Sasuke" over and over again? *smirk* Don't argue dobe. You know it's true.
What have you been eating again? You better consult the hokage as soon as possible. Don't make me worry usuratonkachi.
Alright. Take good care of yourself.
Your worried husband,
Sasuke
P.S. Tell your messenger fox to refrain from drooling too much on your letters. It's starting to annoy me.
--
One month later
Naruto,
It's been weeks. You didn't show up at our meeting place! What the hell happened to you? I waited until morning but there was not a sign of you at all. So I thought you might really be sick. I kept hoping to receive word from you the following days but still there was none.
By the way Aniki's dead. He passed down the mangekyou sharingan to me. You know what, it's weird. I thought I hated him but now that he's gone I kinda miss the bastard. This is all thanks to you, you know. I believe all that pent up anger and frustration over my unanswered letters drove me to the edge. Plus during our fight, he kept calling you "my jinchuuriki" and that really pissed me off. Then before I knew it, I had killed him. He really didn't put up much of a fight too which was fucking weird.
Right now I'm on the run. I killed Orochimaru... accidentally. It was his fault for bugging me when I was going emo over my unanswered letters. I mean seriously, he won't leave me the fuck alone. I'm sure you've heard of the news of his death. I'm planning of going back to the village and check up on you. Sound nins are after my ass. I have nowhere to go. I hope this letter finds you well.
Forever yours,
Sasuke
P.S I'm sure you'll love to hear about how I killed the snake. I'll give you the details as soon as we see each other. No need to worry Naruto, no one's going to ever have possession over my body again. I'm all yours dobe.
-
Uchiha-san,
The news of Orochimaru's defeat had spread like wildfire. A few days ago your name has been taken out from the bingo book. The hokage's anxiously waiting for you. It was Naruto-kun that helped greatly in cleaning your name. The letters that you have been sending him further solidified the statement that despite of you being in the snake's lair you were apparently finding ways of killing him and at the same time take your revenge on your brother Uchiha Itachi.
I have to say Naruto's condition is quite peculiar. But I guess that comes with being the fox's vessel.
There's a perfectly good explanation with his unresponsiveness to your letters. The last month had been a crucial time for him.
You see…Naruto-kun's pregnant with your child.
Hoping for your immediate return,
Sai
--
The ebony-haired teen's fingers trembled menacingly, his eyes continued to read the letter in his hands in utter disbelief mouth slightly open gaping. Shortly after, the look of surprise and shock was replaced with a smile.
"So Naruto, I guess you're the wife after all." he affectionately thought smirking.
---THE END---
Spur of the moment. Hopefully it didn't suck that much.
Reviews would be greatly appreciated.