Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural or it's characters.
Warnings: One-sided Wincest, Sam's point of view.
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Ah, the age old question, do I follow my head or my heart? I found myself asking that question a lot lately. My heart was telling me I loved him, that I always had but my head was telling me he was my brother and it was wrong. My heart was telling me to go for it, make a move but my head was telling me no, he'd reject you and then you'd really be screwed. And not in the way you want.
Dean came out of the bathroom just then with a towel hanging low on his hips. The site effectively pulled me out of my thoughts and I gulped nervously. He dropped the towel and began changing, we've changed in front of each other a million times, we are brothers after all. Brothers. The word brought me back to my thoughts from earlier and I had to bite back a moan when Dean bent down to pick up the pair of boxers he'd dropped. I got hard just watching him get dressed and I groaned pushing up from the chair I'd been siting in. He turned around just as I slammed the bathroom door shut. "What's wrong, Sam?" I heard him call, but I didn't, couldn't, answer him.
I came out of the bathroom 15 minutes later, having taken care of my "problem", I felt guilty and dirty every time I did it. Thinking about my brother, it wasn't normal. Then again we weren't normal. Still I could never look him in the face right after I did that, so I looked down at my feet until I got to my bed. I fell into it and buried my face in the pillow. I could feel his eyes burning the back of my head, he was watching me. I sighed, I knew any second now he was going to as-, "What's wrong, Sam?", ask that. "Nothing, De. I just wanna get some sleep." I say and man was that far from the truth.
I heard Dean sigh and grumble something under his breath but I couldn't be bothered to care. I just squeezed my eyes shut and let out a long breath, trying to get the ache in my heart to loosen a little. It didn't work... but then I wasn't really expecting it to.
When I woke up the next morning things weren't any better. Everything actually seemed to get harder as each day past. Groaning I got up and noticed that Dean wasn't there. I know he probably just went to get coffee but I can't help that little bit of fear in the back of my head that says he's left me. So I do what I always do, check for his duffel and hope to hell it's still there. I only relax once I catch site of it on the opposite side of his bed.
I don't know why I'm so afraid I'll wake up without him one day, it's not like he's ever left me before. I sigh, maybe it's because I'm so afraid he'll find out my secret and hate me. He will leave you if he finds out, my head shouts and I sigh again, "I know." Dean chooses that moment to walk in, "You know what?" I feel myself blush, "Uh, nothing." Dean gives me that look like he knows somethings wrong and he's disappointed I wont talk to him. I look down at my feet, I hate that look. How would I even begin to tell him though? I just can't.
I hear Dean sigh, "Sammy, you've gotta talk to me." His voice sounds concerned and I sigh, "I'm sorry, Dean. I just... I don't know." I wish I could tell him, I really do.
My heart screams what if he feels the same? But my head comes back with an and what if he doesn't? To many what ifs, I run a hand through my hair and pull letting out a loud groan, I can't do this. I look up and find Dean staring at me with wide concerned eyes. "Shit." I mutter and a moment of silence follows before I sigh, "I wish I could tell you Dean but I can't." Dean looks hurt, "You can tell me anything Sammy, you know that." "I know Dean, just not this. Please don't push it. I'm fine." I fake a smile, its far from the truth but I don't want him to know that.
He looks at me for a moment longer before muttering a "fine" and sitting the food bags and coffee he was still holding down on the table. He doesn't say anything when he sits down and begins opening the food, shoving mine on the other side. I sit down too but can't bring myself to look up at him.
Opening up the Styrofoam container I began pushing my food back and forth with the plastic fork, I feel Dean's eyes on me again. I look up and we lock eyes for just a moment before he sighs and looks down, "Sammy, I'm sorry." I stare at him for a moment with a confused look, "I'm sorry for whatever I did but if you're planning on leaving... just please don't. I don't think I could handle it again." his voice cracks slightly and I'm taken aback, "What? Who the hell said I was leaving?" "No one but you're acting like you did right before you left for Stanford and I don't know what I did but I-" I cut him off, "Dean, I'm not leaving. Not again."
He looks at me with sadness and a little bit of hope like he really wants to believe me but still thinks I'm lying, like he honestly believes I'll leave him in the end. "Sammy, please talk to me then." "I can't Dean." "Please?" he asks, his voice is quiet and tentative. I sigh and stare at him for a moment, my heart beating rapidly.
I decided then and there to just go for it. I get up and walk towards him. "Are you sure, Dean?" "Yeah, Sammy. I wanna know whats been bothering you.", he says as he stands up. My mind is going in about fifteen different directions and my heart is pounding as I walk the few feet separating us until I am standing in front of my brother. I look down at him, "Dean, I...", my thoughts are jumbled and I can't find the words for what I want to say, so I lean down and crash our mouths together.
His eyes widen and he goes stiff as I continue to kiss him. After a moment however he seems to recover and he pushes me away, a look of disgust on his face as he wipes his mouth on his shirt sleeve. My heart sinks then. "What the hell, Sam?" "You asked me what's wrong, that's it. I love you Dean, way more than I should. I... want you." I gulp nervously. "We're brothers, Sam!" he yells. "Don't you think I know that?" I yell back, because honestly I've went over it in my head for years now.
"It's wrong, Sam! You should know that!" he says as he wipes at his mouth again. I square my shoulders, my defenses going up, "God, Dean I told you not to push it but you just can't leave anything alone, can you?" Silence follows as he reaches for his car keys. It was his turn to walk out the door. The door slams and after a moment I punch the wall. This is exactly what I didn't want to happen and now my worst fear is coming true. Dean's going to leave me.
Tears form in my eyes as I lay down on my bed and bury my face in the pillow. Stupid, stupid, stupid! You knew this would happen! my brain screams over and over again and my heart is too busy breaking to try and fight the truth.
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Author's note: This popped into my head and demanded attention, so...
Things haven't been to good lately and I think these fics are the only thing keeping me sane, so I may be posting a couple of more soon.
First attempt at a "first person" perspective rather than a "third person" one. Hope it's not too bad.
-I honestly can't decided rather I want to continue this or keep it a one-shot. It's listed as in-progress for now but I'm really not sure as of yet if I'll be adding onto it.- Scratch that. I have decided not to continue this.
Anyway, thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed.