There's a paper somewhere saying that I don't own any Archer characters. Let me be clear. Cheating is bad. Apparently. Unless you're writing about it then it's fun!
The Figgis Agency Makes the Grade
"So where is Cheryl today?" Lana asked Cyril as they walked into the bullpen from their offices.
"Do you really care?" Cyril asked.
"Only if she gets arrested," Lana admitted. "Or killed."
"Because if she dies from a glue slash drug related overdose there goes ninety percent of this agency's profits," Cyril finished. "I saw where you were going with that."
"Which leads me to ask," Lana went on. "Where in the world is Cheryl/Carol Tunt?"
"And what world is it?" Pam called out from her desk. She was typing at a laptop along with Ray and Krieger who had their own laptops.
"It could be anywhere in the region of Fantasy Island," Cyril said. "Pam where is Cheryl?"
"Besides the State of Denial," Ray quipped. "Where we've all been for years."
"She said she had to go to a board meeting," Pam said. "Or was it a meeting where she'd be completely bored?"
"Same difference," Krieger shrugged.
"What are you all doing?" Lana asked.
"Lana maybe we shouldn't ask that question?" Cyril suggested. "In case the district attorney wants to know."
"It's no big deal," Krieger said. "We're uploading some data for our new business! I call it K-Files!"
"What? No catchy variation of Krieger this time?" Lana asked.
"You'd be surprised how many online companies already have that in their name," Krieger admitted.
"Plus, we convinced him to keep it simple," Pam added.
"Easier for us to hide our identities from the authorities," Ray added.
"God what insane scheme are you maniacs doing this time?" Cyril groaned. "Or should I just be surprised at the arraignment?"
"We're selling pre-written college level essays," Ray explained.
"You're selling essays…" Lana was stunned. "Online?"
"Yes," Krieger nodded. "It's a big hit during exam weeks! And college applications."
"Admittedly the business dries up during the summer," Pam added. "The next few months are going to be a little slow. But once Fall rolls around again we'll be doing gangbusters!"
"Okay here's everything wrong with this scheme," Cyril began.
"The fact that plagiarism is illegal and immoral?" Lana asked.
"Well yeah that," Cyril admitted. "But I was going for the fact that these people aren't exactly Rhodes Scholars. I mean if you are going to buy an essay from someone you should buy it from someone who can actually write one."
"You'd rather copy off of a Steven Hawking for a paper than a Steven Segal," Ray nodded.
"Exactly," Cyril nodded.
"That's the best part," Krieger said. "Our specialty is C and B essays! Essays that are just good enough to pass, but not so good that people will think they were plagiarized. You know? Throw in a few spelling errors and run on sentences."
"We're going for the not really too smart niche," Pam said.
"Well that is your specialty," Cyril said. "And ironically over 65 percent of college students."
"Yeah we are killing it in the for-profit colleges market," Pam nodded. "Half of those schools don't even spell check!"
"This is crazy even for you people!" Lana was stunned.
"Oh, face facts Lana," Ray waved. "Nobody goes to college anymore to learn anything other than how to party and pizza only makes a halfway decent hangover cure."
"The recent college admissions scandal proves that once you're in," Krieger waved. "The rest is just gravy. All you have to do is not get expelled or flunk out."
"Thanks to grade inflation and these babies," Pam grinned. "That gets easier every five years."
"And of course, you know?" Ray said. "Don't get caught cheating or bribing to get into college. But technically that's more the parents' jurisdiction so…"
Lana shook her head. "College is about learning and growing as a person and finding yourself."
"Exactly," Pam added. "Grades have nothing to do with it! You can do that with one really fun weekend."
"Do you remember anything from your college classes?" Krieger added.
"Uhh…" Lana paused.
"Exactly," Krieger nodded.
"I remember being bored during a lot of my classes," Cyril admitted.
"And that's you saying it!" Ray pointed out.
"Honestly I barely remember going to most of my classes," Pam admitted. "I know one of my English classes let us eat M&Ms while watching movies. I think it was a Shakespeare class. That was a fun one. I don't remember anything about Shakespeare but I do remember the M&Ms."
Ray sighed. "I hate to say it Lana, but nowadays most colleges are little more than locations for hooking up. For both future jobs and your personal life."
Cyril added. "And colleges are getting way overpriced nowadays."
"Cyril!" Lana snapped.
"Well they are!" Cyril defended. "I wonder how my friends from law school are doing? Maybe I could contact some of them for work?"
"I rest my case," Ray pointed.
"Get off it, Perry Gay-son," Lana rolled her eyes. "Seriously Ray? You're doing this? I can see these two but you?"
"How do you think I paid for my cheerleading uniforms in college?" Ray asked. "Scholarships didn't cover that! And I sure as hell wasn't going to get it from my Daddy. Thank God that miserable old bastard never visited me and found out about what I was really doing."
"What did you tell him?" Pam asked. "That you were on the football team?"
"The water boy actually," Ray admitted. "All I had to do was take a picture of me standing next to some players holding a water bottle and he bought it."
"Smart," Pam nodded.
Ray sighed. "What wasn't smart was me winning the All-American Cheerleading Finals with my team and letting them take my picture for the newspapers."
"That blew your cover didn't it?" Lana asked.
"And how," Ray groaned. "It also got me a pre-application to a Pray Away the Gay Bible camp. And the beginning of two and a half very confusing years for me."
"If we can digress from this production of Ray Gillette The Early Years…?" Cyril sighed.
Ray interrupted. "More like Ray Gillette The Early Queers. What? Even I was thinking that! Oh God. What does it say when I can pre-insult myself? Is it weird I can do that now?"
"Considering how long you've been with this group and Mallory," Lana shrugged. "It would be weirder if you couldn't…"
"Again," Cyril sighed. "Let's turn back to the whole illegal term paper scam you've gotten us involved in…"
"Technically it's not illegal," Krieger pointed out. "If you put a disclaimer saying that these papers are strictly for study aids and not for copying. Which reminds me I really need to put one in there." He went to the computer and started working on it.
"How much are you getting paid?" Lana asked.
"Twenty-five dollars for every C paper downloaded," Pam said. "Thirty for every B paper. And a hundred for an A."
"You people wrote A grade papers?" Lana asked.
"No," Pam snickered. "We stole them from another website."
"Of course, you did," Lana groaned.
"Relax," Krieger said. "I translated most of them from German and Portuguese. Unless somebody from the board of The University of Brazil goes on our site, we're good."
"Admittedly we make more money from the C and B papers," Ray shrugged. "Quantity over quality always wins out in the e-commerce paper wars."
"We're going to get blamed for this whether we do it or not aren't we?" Cyril sighed.
"Yuup," Lana admitted. "I'll call my mother and ask if she has some of my old college essays. I know I have them in a box somewhere. I'll tell her I'm rethinking doing something with my environmental education. Which is technically not a lie…"
"What the hell?" Cyril shrugged. "For twenty-five to thirty dollars a pop I can sell some of my old law school papers. And a few I never sent in about alternate outcomes of past historical battles."
"Putting some of your Risk fanfiction at work I see?" Ray asked.
"Oh, like I'm the only one who does that?" Cyril snapped.
Krieger shrugged. "I admit it. That is a thing."
"Well its one way to get any work around here," Lana groaned. "And put away some money for AJ's college fund."
Pam laughed. "Wouldn't it be funny if when AJ is in college, she's looking for a term paper and finds one of Lana's online? And that's how she finds out how Lana paid for her school years?"
Everyone looked at Pam. "What?" Pam asked. "Too soon?"