Summary: Of young love, broken hearts and death.
Rating: K+
Warning: Mention of character death. Also, I kind of played around with the timeline for the purpose of the fic. Sorry about that!
Disclaimer: I don't own anything, everything belongs to J.K. Rowling. I don't make any money out of this story.
.:.
Written for Bex (DobbyRocksSocks), for the HPFC May Fic Exchange. I chose the prompts: (pairing) JamesRegulus, (genre) romance, (dialogue) "I'm not scared for me, you arsehole! I'm scared for you!", (word) incandescent. This was rather challenging to write, as it was my first time ever writing slash, but I hope you'll like this anyway, Bex!
Word count (without the A/N): 2,477 words
I Love You Still: James Potter and Regulus Black
He couldn't move, he couldn't breathe. He couldn't do anything but stare at the letter he was holding in his hands. And he couldn't even see the words through the tears that blurred his vision.
He couldn't believe it. He couldn't believe that he'd done it anyway. He had tried to convince him not to, but he did it anyway. And now he was gone, and his heart was broken into a million little pieces. He did love Lily and his son, he always would, but losing him (his first love, his true love) was worse than anything he could think of.
And he still remembered how it had felt when Sirius had told him that there was a boy in love with him. A boy, a—a man! His best friend had refused to give him the boy's name, and he had wondered why his obsession for Lily had started to die down, because he couldn't be considering what it would feel like to date and kiss and be with another man. He couldn't be doing this.
And the boy, younger than he was by two years, had come to him (he had found out later that it was after a dare from his brother) and he had told him the truth, and James had stopped denying everything. Perhaps his obsession over Lily had only been a way to cover his true self, but he'd stopped cowering away then. He had accepted, on an impulse, to go on one date. One date, it'd been the deal, and the way the boy's eyes had lit up had been the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen.
A lot could happen in one date. They were the proof of it. In one date, he'd learnt that Regulus Black was certainly not the man he'd been sure he was. He had beliefs that he didn't, but he hadn't even tried to hide them even if he'd been afraid that it would mean ruining everything.
And at the end of the day, it had been all that mattered. It had rapidly evolved into something more, something beautiful, and they had told everyone. He hadn't expected Sirius to react in a good way to him dating his little brother, but he'd smiled and simply said that Regulus had finally found some guts and defied their parents in some way. James had scowled and said that it wasn't about guts, it was about caring for each other (and really, what he'd meant was loving each other, but it'd been too soon to talk about love—he hadn't understood until later on that it was never too soon to talk about it, but it'd been too late—too late).
He was young, eighteen, and he'd thought this was meant to be forever, and he would have given everything for them to stay together, to be perfect just a little longer. Because perfect it was. They were each other's firsts in so many ways, and they were glad about it. So glad.
But Regulus had come back… different from the Christmas holidays. Distant, cruel even. He'd tried to tell himself that it was just a phase, just a stupid phase, and that everything would come back to normal a few days later. But weeks—months—had passed, and Regulus had remained the same cold person.
He could still remember how it had all ended, and it hurt because he shouldn't be remembering this now, in this time of grief. It wouldn't do any good to his aching soul. But he couldn't help it, and the whole scene flashed behind his closed eyelids.
"What are you doing here, Reg?" James asked, his voice filled with what could be called fear. Fear of what though, he'd like to know. Maybe of losing everything they had.
"I came here because I need to—to break up with you." The Slytherin boy seemed relieved once he said it, and James stared at him with wide eyes.
He got up from his place on the grass of the Hogwarts grounds, and he walked closer to the other, who was purposely avoiding his intent gaze. He placed his hands on his cheeks, not caring that some people around them were starting to watch the scene unfold, and looked into the grey eyes of his boyfriend. And he felt so ashamed when he saw that there was nothing there. Nothing except the cold, hard nuance that had been here since his return of the holidays.
"Why are you doing this?" he finally asked. "Are you scared of something? That this is going too fast, that—"
"I'm not scared for me, you arsehole! I'm scared for you!" Regulus snapped, and the older boy's heart broke (because this couldn't be his fault).
"Scared for me? What the hell does that mean?"
"They'll come after you, you know…" the younger boy sighed. "If they ever find out. The only way for them not to was… to do this, and if it means you're safe, then I'm not backing out of this."
"I can protect myself," James protested fiercely.
"Let me doubt that," Regulus sneered. "You're just a student. In seventh year, and talented, but you're just a damn student, and if you think you can fight against armed Death Eaters… Then you're a fool, and it will get you killed some day."
They stayed silent, and the Slytherin boy finally sat down on the grass and started picking at it in anger. There was a deep crease between his brows and he noticed the darkness in his swirling, cloudy grey eyes.
"How would they know?" James tried again, sitting beside him.
"My parents. They found out. And don't ask me why, they didn't even bother to tell me. But they didn't want their son to mingle with… with people like you, and fall for a man. So it was either breaking up with you, or them endangering you. And I'm sorry, but I still love you and I care about what happens to you, so don't ask me—"
"So these are your parting words? That you love me?" James repeated, astonished. "You do realize it hurts more than you leaving me does. So please, if you're about to do this, just go and—"
Regulus Black cut him off with a lingering kiss that just felt so different from all the other ones they had shared, and it was gone in a second. He couldn't help but feel glad about it, because this—this was harder than him storming away from him. But another part of him cherished the feel of his lips against his, because he knew there was no going back. Not this time.
"James?"
He started at the sudden sound and turned towards Lily, who had just called out his name. She was leaning into the doorway, and he tried to hide his despair but she noticed instantly that something was wrong. She walked towards him and sat down on the couch next to him.
"What was in the letter?" she asked cautiously.
"Regulus is gone." He sighed, removing his glasses and pinching the bridge of his nose forcefully. "Dead."
She remained silent for a little while, and he guessed she was considering how to continue. She finally put her hand on his shoulder in a gentle motion (and that was Lily, always gentle with him, even when he didn't deserve it—reminding her that she wasn't his true love, and she already knew it), and she whispered, "I'm sorry. Really. I know how much he meant to you."
"Why are you like this?" he questioned her before he could stop himself.
"Like what?"
"Gentle and loving. This—it should bother you. This is my first love we're talking about, and you're nothing but gentle…"
Her face and her voice were a little strained when she answered, "You loved him too. I can't really act like a bitch, you know. That wouldn't be the best attitude to adopt right now."
Hearing her bold words, the shadow of a smile tugged at his lips, a smile that all but vanished when she continued, "I want to know one thing though. I know you saw him again. You had this… haunted look—a different one than the usual—when you returned from your mission last week. What—What happened back there?"
He understood the question beneath her anxious question. Had he been unfaithful, had he kissed him? But really… What happened? he wondered silently. Everything had come back to hit him straight in the gut. That's what had happened.
He certainly didn't expect to see the familiar mop of black hair and the cloudy eyes that shone in the shadows. He expected even less to feel the familiar tug at his heart, and all his hidden feelings (those he had believed were gone, because he couldn't love one of them) came rushing back to him.
He didn't know why he was there. Clearly, he wasn't one of the Death Eaters that had been arrested—nor was he among those they had fought against. He wasn't dressed in dark robes but in a black suit that made his pale skin shine under the light of the moon, and he wondered how the other members of the Order could have missed him.
"I'll catch up with you," he told Mad-Eye, who was in charge of their mission, and the scarred man turned to face him head on.
"Why?"
"I just remembered—I need to talk to someone."
"And you need to do it now?"
"Yes. The person in question isn't so far away, and I didn't see her in years."
"And you think now is the moment for a heart-to-heart? We have to report back to Headquarters," Mad-Eye seethed quietly.
He was starting to lose his patience—he needed to talk to Regulus, and he was there for the first time in three years, and there was something about him that was just off.
"Alastor," Marlene McKinnon uttered. "You should let him. He might never get the chance to see that—person, whoever she is, again. We're at war, and it could all end tomorrow."
He seemed to reflect on it for a few seconds and then nodded gruffly. And then they were all gone, apparating away from him, and he turned towards his former lover, who was leaning against the same tree as before.
"You look well, James," Regulus greeted. "For someone who has just been in battle."
A million questions pressed themselves against his lips, but the only one which crossed them was, "Why are you here?"
"I've found some way to kill the Dark Lord," he stated bluntly. "It's dangerous, that's for certain, but I think I can do it."
"A way to—"
"You were never deaf, James. You heard what I said. I'll only ask you not to tell anyone, and not to ask what the way is. If everything goes fine, I'll have to leave them anyway, so—"
"Why do you want to kill him?" James asked, frowning. "It doesn't make any sense. Why would you wish me not to tell anyone? We've been working for years to find a way to destroy him, and here you stand, affirming that you, a Death Eater, have found the way. You must realize how crazy it sounds!"
"You'll only have to trust me on this, I guess. Potter. That's why I came to you, and not the leader of your stupid Order. Because I know you'll trust me—"
"Trust you? You've broken my heart, Regulus. And weeks later, I learn that you've taken the Dark Mark, and I was left completely alone in the world. And you expect me to trust you again?"
Regulus stayed silent, something akin to guilt showing on his features for a flicker of a second before it disappeared.
"Trust me or not, I'll know you'll keep this to yourself," he finally mumbled. "You wouldn't want these Order people to know you were dealing with a Death Eater."
James stayed silent as well, because he knew what his former lover had just told him was the truth. He wouldn't go to anyone, and besides, he was sure that something would go wrong (something always went wrong), and—
"You'll get killed if you fail."
"I won't fail. Why are you so scared, James? Afraid of the consequences of my actions once more?"
"I'm not scared for me, you arsehole! I'm scared for you!" he couldn't help but seethe. He pinched the bridge of his nose and continued harshly, "You'll die. That's a certainty, because everything always goes wrong these times. You'll die, and… and I don't want you to die. It doesn't matter that you've broken my heart, you're still my first love and an arsehole, but I—" He stopped himself before he could go any further.
"Then I'll die. I'm just—tired of him threatening everyone I care about."
"The Regulus I knew wasn't so defeatist."
"The Regulus you knew is long gone. Same for the Potter boy you were when you were eighteen. We were stupid and we believed we could change the world, right? Well now, I know I can. So don't try to convince me not to do it anymore. It won't work."
He stepped away from the tree and closer to James, and James could see the strange light shining in his eyes.
"Goodbye, James. And say I said hello to your wife."
The bitter words echoed through the night long after Regulus apparated away from him, and he was left alone with unwanted feelings and a broken heart—broken, all over again.
When he stopped recounting what had happened, Lily shifted closer to him and put a hand on his cheek, and she forced him to look up at her.
"He… He tried, you know. That's much more than most of us can say."
Her words comforted him a little, and he leaned into her touch. The next words she uttered, though, made his heart clench (because he'd felt guilty and hesitant for a week now, and she made him feel right).
"I respect every single one of your decisions, James. And frankly, I think you did good not telling anyone about this."
"Really?" he asked hesitantly.
"Really. He—He did fail anyway, so I don't see what's the point of telling anyone. It would only give them false hope. And we could do without that, right?"
"Right," he mumbled.
She left him after pressing a kiss to his cheek, and he stared at the incandescent ambers shining in the foyer. He took the letter and threw it in the dying fire, wishing it to burn (and burn his memories with it). But he kept the note written by Regulus, the one he hadn't opened yet.
And when he read the words, tears welled up in his eyes and rolled down his cheeks, without him even trying to stop them.
I love you still.