The beach outside the Grand Blue diving store was being cleaned of beer cans by elderly pensioners. The sky was cloudless, the beach as white and spotless as a minimalist rendition of a Klansman and the water was a pretty neat-o green-ish blue colour. Overall, a pretty nice day.
Iori pinched the heck out of Kouhei's cheeks.
"Goddamn you! Give me back my study notes!" screamed Iori.
"No!" screamed Kouhei in return before immediately locking Iori into a chokehold.
Kouhei had gotten buff as fuck from having gotten addicted to cookies and cream flavoured protein bars. He threw Iori into the wall with such force that the wall cracked. Iori gasped for air and then collapsed to the ground.
"With your study notes, I will become the ultimate alpha! Brains and brawn! Puny shrimp like you don't deserve to live! The weak must submit to the strong!" said Kouhei in between cackles. Then he had a coughing fit and ran for the bathroom, which was adjacent to the detached room Iori was now holed up in. He then promptly shat out all of his muscle mass. The episode of violent diarrhoea had left him a skinny weakling. Iori used the dragnet trick to get into the bathroom after hearing the screams of pain and the violent squelches (Iori didn't know about dragnet, he just heard about the trick from a member of one of the many clubs Shinji and Ryujiro roped him into drinking with). Iori gasped with shock and horror. The bathroom was covered in shit. It was like a bag full of shit had exploded with the streaks even reaching the ceiling.
"Dear God," whispered Iori to himself.
The shit itself was like a goddamned oversized brown plush rubix cube. It was goddamned square and was so fucking large, you wouldn't initially believe it came from a human. Kouhei let out a scream that outperformed even torture victims in terms of conveying misery. Iori then let out a small chuckle. The schaudenfreude was too much. He picked up Kouhei, who kicked and struggled, and threw him through the bathroom mirror into the mirror dimension.
"Maybe you'll have some time to chill out in the mirror dimension, hmm? Not so much of an overman now, are you?" said Iori.
"Nanaka!" he then yelled, "Kouhei has shat all over the bathroom!"
Nanaka and Chise then rushed to the scene wearing police uniforms.
"These are kind of revealing.." Chise tearfully grumbled, before then fully processing the fact that her cousin was watching and fixing her gaze to the ground with a mixture of embarrassment and disgust.
Nanaka then whipped out a white paint bomb, evacuated the bathroom and slammed the door shut. After a few seconds, a faint explosion could be heard.
"So your solution is just to paint all the shit white?" asked Iori.
"Do you have a better solution?" asked Nanaka "Now, anyone who wants to go to the bathroom while the paint is drying can just piss in the sea!"
"What… about me?" asked Chise.
"You… can wear diapers." said Nanaka.
"You know what, I'm fine." said Chise, her eyes darting about quickly.
"No, I insist." said Nanaka.
Shinji then came down the stairs to say that a new member was joining Peek a Boo.
"Whom?" asked Iori.
"Come up and see for yourself. He's a celebrity." said Shinji.
Chise and Iori were led up the stairs only to see Jaden Smith standing in front of the Grand Blue entrance.
"Holy shit, it's Jaden Smith!" said Iori.
"Ladies and gentlemen," said Ryujiro with a theatrical bow, "I present to you a man that needs no introduction. Rapper, actor, social media personality, voice actor, charity worker and partner of JUST WATER: Jaden Smith!"
"You're too kind." said Jaden bashfully.
"I really loved SYRE." said Chise quietly.
"Pardon?" said Jaden.
Chise then looked away.
"What she said was that she loved SYRE. It wasn't that hard to hear." said Iori, somewhat angrily.
"Oh, I'm sorry. It must have been a proximity issue. I'm grateful that you love my music. It's great to have fans like you who are so passionate." said Jaden.
Chise then realised that she hadn't even introduced herself and that her idol's first impression of her was of her wearing a sexy policewoman costume. This coupled with Iori's passionate defence of her from Jaden simply asking her to speak up meant that she was rather embarrassed. Iori saw this and immediately felt guilty.
"Guys, you seem kind of pent up. Would like to try some weed?" said Jaden.
Iori and Chise were shocked. Chise's idol was a drug addict and he had offered them both some primo ganjaroonie!
"I'll pass." they both blankly said in unison.
Kouhei then exited the mirror dimension through the entrance to Grand Blue. Jaden Smith screamed in terror.
"What the fuck!" he screamed.
Kouhei then ran past Jaden Smith and leapt on Iori. Iori struggled to prise Kouhei off of him but Jaden came to his rescue and together they foiled Kouhei's attempt to beat the shit out of Iori. Kouhei then tattled to Nanaka.
"NANAKA!" he screamed "Iori threw me into the mirror dimension!"
"Is this true?" asked Nanaka worriedly.
"Yes, but only because he was beating me up and stole my study notes!" said Iori.
"He does look kinda thinner. How long has he been in there?" asked Nanaka.
"Not long," said Kouhei, "I shat out all of my muscle mass."
"I see." said Nanaka.
She then slammed him against the table and asked him:
"Would you like to have consensual sex?"
"No." said Kouhei weakly.
"That was some crazy shit, fam." said Jaden.
Iori glared at Jaden. Jaden was so goddamned obnoxiously perfect with his chiselled abs, his beautiful chocolate complexion, his angelic voice, his chill demeanor and, most of all, his deep brown eyes.
"Goddamnit, Jaden." thought Iori "You are not gonna steal my cousin from me!"
"Say, I heard your relationship with Tyler, the Creator has now been dashed along the cruel rocky shoreline of caca poo-poo. Is that true?" he said, deftly dismantling Jaden's poise.
"Is that some kind of homophobic jab at my relations with Tyler?" asked Jaden.
Iori recoiled in horror. Oh no! He had said something that could be construed as homophobic! Not only did he not like the effect such a misunderstanding would have on others' perception of him but Chise was a strong gay rights advocate. Oh shizzle!
"Wait! No! It was simply an inquiry into the status of their relationship! I did not intend to imply that sodomy was inherently bad or was what caused their relationship to fail! Please forgive me!" screamed Iori.
Jaden then sighed.
"Of course I forgive you, Iori. I'm sorry for having been so sensitive." Said Jaden.
"No problem." said Iori, glad to have dodged that particular bullet.
"Didn't know you were such a homophobe, Iori." said Shinji before whipping out his massive cock.
To truly emphasise how awkward this particular scene was, I must describe the size of Shinji's love-rod. The thing was not only huge like David Bowie's in Labyrinth but it was girthy as fuck too. Damn, it was thick as one of those goddamned oversized sausage rolls. It was chunky as hell. Holy shit. It was like a tubing sock or like one of those socks with other socks stuffed in them. One could only imagine how big it was when erect. Not only did this display make Jaden uncomfortable, it made him suffer penis envy, much like when Iori first stumbled into the club.
"Please put your schlong back into your trunks, man." said Jaden.
"No can do! That's not how we do things here in Peek a Boo!" said Shinji.
Then Ryujiro strolled up with his erect member and the two did high fives with their penises. Chise then dove into the sea (in full diving gear), which was rather unsafe to do from a moving boat.
"I wonder what could have motivated that." said Ryujiro.
Mike Howell then landed his skateboard on top of the boat and then did an EPIC kick-flip off of the top of the captain's quarters and onto the bit of the boat where our heroes were on (I actually don't know what the front bit of a boat is. Starboard? Let's go with that).
"Looks like you guys could do with another member." said Mike.
Suddenly, Wesley Gibson (the movie version, not the comic) walked in from the shadows.
"Oh, fuck!" said Mike.
Wesley then pulled out two flintlock pistols and shot at Mike but Mike dodged the bullets and did a rad fuckin' divekick straight into Wesley's face. Wesley then threw Mike backwards and took Iori hostage. Shinji tried to free Iori, hot tears of anger streaming down his face but Wesley shot him in the kidney before he could reach Iori. Shinji fell back and Ryujiro made a face that was kind of like that 20th century painting by that one guy. Yeah. As Shinji fell to the ground, a plastic cafeteria spork fell from the pocket of his trunks. The wind blew it in Mark's direction. Mike caught the spork, jumped into the air like Mario doing a long jump in Super Mario 64 and jammed the spork so hard into Wesley's skull that it split open like a watermelon and the two sides of his head flew apart. Wesley's corpse was then blown over the side of the boat by a strong breeze. As Wesley's corpse floated along, his two arms were outstretched horizontally, almost as if he was doing a Jesus pose. Then a bullet fired from ten countries away by Wesley Gibson (comic version, not the movie version because as has just been described in quite a bit of detail, movie Wesley is dead) curved its way in the direction of the boat. Wesley then whipped out his indestructible bracelet he stole from the corpse of Wonder Woman and deflected the bullet. Ryujiro then sighed deeply and brought out the Green Lantern ring he stole from Hal Jordan's corpse.
"Holy shit!" exclaimed Mark "You also killed a superhero?"
Ryujiro shook his head slowly.
"You wouldn't understand." he said.
Ryujiro then materialised bandages over Shinji's wounds and then materialised anaesthetic which he injected into Shinji's forearm. Iori was still in shock from being a hostage and having Shinji's blood all over him. His friend pulling out a green ring that could materialise objects from thin air only exacerbated the strain put on his mental state.
"WHAT THE FUCK?!" he screamed.
After returning from the diving trip and ensuring Shinji had been treated for his wounds in hospital, Ryujiro, Jaden, Iori and Mike returned to the Grand Blue at approximately 3 AM and got drunk as hell. Iori stood up after a few hours of silence.
"What if that guy led those psychopaths to us?" Iori asked slowly.
He was met with laughter. Ryujiro then punched him so hard that he landed on the floor with a thump. Shinji cringed.
"Why?" asked Shinji.
Ryujiro cricked his neck and remained silent.
"I understand." said Mike Howell "Forgive me. I didn't know Wesley would be after me."
"No, we understand!" said Ryujiro hurriedly "It's just Iori here that doesn't appreciate what you have done for us!"
Mike turned back to the table.
"Don't be so hard on him." said Mike.
Mike then left. Iori was shocked.
Ryujiro turned to Iori and grimaced.
"Hey, Iori. I've got a few ideas on how you can raise more money for the club!" he said, his anger barely contained.
Shinji stood up and smacked Ryujiro. It had no physical effect but Ryujiro was still shocked. Ryujiro then glared at Shinji.
"What makes you think you have the right to touch me that way?" said Ryujiro softly.
Iori walked back to his detached room and reminisced about the time he had a proper room all to himself. Before he had the stupid idea to plaster Chise all over everything to impress Nanaka. He opened the door to see Jaden and Chise macking on one another naked.
Jaden noticed Iori looking at him and gasped with fright.
"Ah! Iori! Good news! You have a proper room again!" said Jaden.
Chise blushed.
"Fucking homophobe." she said under her breath.
"That's a little uncalled for." said Jaden sheepishly.
"Thank you." said Iori, his concealed anger mirroring that of Ryujiro only moments before.
He walked up to his room only to see that nothing had been changed. All the modified memorabilia was untouched. Iori hopped into bed and cuddled his Chise body pillow among many anime figures with Chise's face crudely slapped onto them. An idealised version of Chise hovered above him as an anime schoolgirl now had Chise's smiling face. Iori cried a little. He then went to sleep.
Jaden and Chise rubbed noses like lovers and embraced like Rene Magritte's The Lovers. Iori had managed to get precisely two hours of sleep and he kept waking up throughout the night so he was too tired to even be annoyed that his cousin was being macked on by Jaden fucking Smith. Goddamnit, Jaden. Iori stood up violently.
"NONE OF YOU PEOPLE EXIST!" he shouted.
A guitar then came from the sky, bursting through the ceiling. Iori then grabbed the guitar and shredded like a maniac. He then discarded the guitar and threw it at Ryujiro's head, which caused a tiny robot to come out of his head. Iori stormed out and noticed the sky had turned grey and the sun red. Kind of like that one Merzbow album cover. Iori began to float. He began to float toward the sky. Up, up, up. He needed to get to college. So he did.
Jaden loved diving. It was like a whole new mode of being to him. Chise smiled like the Mona Lisa. It made her look kind of like a cunt. Jaden crushed a fish in his hand and let the fish's guts disperse among the waters. The sex was pretty great. Fake plastic submarine. They certainly clung to one another like cellophane. Chise's legs dangled over the side of the boat. She pushed herself forward. She landed in the water. She swam down in her swimsuit and embraced Jaden. Iori materialised on the boat and looked downwards at their canoodling. He then jumped off of the boat and landed on the water. He walked to the shore, each step making a tiny splash. He made his way to the Grand Blue. Nanaka was crying over Chise's love having been claimed.
"I was going to ask her! I was going to ask her tomorrow!" she blubbered to herself.
Iori hugged her so as to console her.
"So was I." he said "So was I."
Iori was going to flunk college. He just knew it. He didn't even try to have hope anymore. He was a newt. No-one saw him because he was so small.
Jaden was serving hamburgers to American tourists along with Chise in order to help fund Peek a Boo's next excursion when his head exploded. He had been assassinated by Colonel Sanders. Jaden Smith held the secret to a new and improved version of KFC's secret sauce in his DNA. Sanders reloaded his sniper rifle and then sent out a drone to pick up a sample of Jaden's blood. As Chise was crying over the corpse of her lover, an obese woman was complaining that her children weren't receiving their hamburgers at a quick enough pace. She paid no heed to the fact that blood now stained her cellulite-ridden ass. Chise stood up and sizzled the hamburgers to perfection before squirting the mayonnaise of her own tears onto the patty. The obese woman held the hamburger up into the air and said:
"I christen you John; as in the man who wrote down Revelation."
At the funeral, Iori had a massive boner. This was due to the fact that everyone, including Nanaka and Chise were naked for the funeral. Nanaka put her arms around Chise in a transparently manipulative bid for affection. As the priest lowered down the body, Ryujiro pulled out his Green Lantern ring and summoned a CD with the soundtrack of the 2005 House of Wax remake burnt onto it. He then slammed it into the sound system that lay on Jaden's headstone and everyone mournfully nodded their heads to Spitfire, which was the opening track. The track was by The Prodigy and featured Juliette Lewis.
Peek a Boo then organised the Farewell Jaden Diving Party. To raise funds, you see.
"I kinda get the feeling you guys are embezzling funds from the club." said Iori.
"What would make you think that?" said Shinji, who was wearing a rainbow Gucci t-shirt.
"Nothing, nevermind." said Iori.
Iori, Chise, Kouhei and Ryujiro then dove in with all the other college kids they were milking money out of. Shinji stayed back to count the ludicrous amount of money they were making. Chise swam away from the boys and explored the world beneath the sea where fish could speak Korean if you ate them just right. When they all returned to the boat, Mike Howell had landed on the starboard place thing. He had lit a fat blunt and exhaled the weed so hard he had propelled himself onto the boat. His lungs had gotten strong from smoking so much ganja. What doesn't utterly destroy your lungs makes them stronger.
"Oh, hello!" he said "I'm gonna fuck the shit outta Chise!"
"Welcome aboard, buddy!" said Ryujiro, hugging Mike close.
"Did anyone at all listen to what this guy just said or are you all being wilfully ignorant?" Iori whined.
"Oh, yeah. He said he was gonna fuck the shit out of Chise. What of it? It's not like he's gonna rape her or anything." said Ryujiro.
"Hol' up. I'mma make a phone call." said Mike.
He phoned Phoebe and hypnotised her into thinking she was actually a lesbian and in love with Chloe from Life is Strange.
"You see, I am no longer Mike Howell! Oh no. I am Dorian fucking Gray! I have stolen Mike Howell's soul and it is now time to get lit!" said Mike.
"What if that fuckhole tries to kill us again?" asked Kouhei.
"I don't care, cunt." said Mike "Now fetch me a beer, cuntslapper."
"Yeah, fetch the man a beer!" said Shinji and Ryujiro.
Kouhei limply got a beer and presented it to Mike. Mike kneed Kouhei in the groin and chugged the entire can. Mike then kneed Iori in the groin for no reason. Suddenly, Pac-Man rose from the sea and started eating boats. Mike then rushed into the captain's quarters, killed the poor slave boy that Peek a Boo had forced to pilot the boat in exchange for being allowed to live and put the pedal to the metal. The boat went into fucking hyperspace with Kouhei being blown off and landing straight into Pac-Man's black empty maw. The boat then had an emergency landing in Amsterdam. Shinji, Ryujiro and Mike then went to get fucking blazed.
"Wait, don't you guys wanna get back to the diving club?" asked Iori.
"What made you think we gave a shit about diving? We just wanted an excuse to get drunk and you were the perfect patsy to abuse!" said Shinji before skipping off to join the other two in weed-soaked merriment.
Iori then hugged Chise who was bleeding from her stomach after being knocked around the ship by hyperspace. The pose the two were in was reminiscent of Michelangelo's Pietà. Iori then lamented how much of an asshole he had been and how he had so easily allowed others to strong-arm him into doing stupid shit. Now Kouhei was dead. For all his faults, Kouhei was a good guy. Going drunk with power once didn't change that. Iori screamed toward the Heavens.
"AMERICA! SAVE US!" was his cry.
Ben Shapiro was dying beside Iori.
"Remember me... as an owner of the libs." he croaked before laying down to die.
"I wasn't actually Dorian Gray." said Mike, having excused himself from the weed tasting "This was all just a ruse to keep Phoebe safe from Wesley as he is immortal. The only way to save the world is to trigger the apocalypse."
Iori then punched Mike and said that it wasn't possible that they were the only ones who made a mistake in the movie. His next question was: "Hey, if you hadn't made him look so weird. Just so he won't become someone who would try to kill you again, could you make him look like a normal kid again?" Mike asked him to stop being a jerk, and to try his best.
When Yuta came up to Miu, he asked Yuta what he should do to change him. The answer was to be honest with him. Yuta explained that he was scared and couldn't believe he was talking to his son like that. He said that he would make sure that Miu felt the same way about him that he felt about him, which Yuta felt was a big step toward being closer. After he finished explaining, he told Miu that he loved and respected him as much as Yuta did. A few moments later, Miu was ready to say goodbye to everyone.
Miu gave a big hug to the two of them. Afterwards, he and Yuta made out as usual.
Miu then hugged Yuta, saying "That was fun!" While saying it, she took his arm for some reason. Miu and Yuta then hugged each other on the side of a cliff that was behind their house.
After being punched and shown visions of a strange love triangle, Mike called off the apocalypse and committed suicide by punching himself in the face super hard. Iori smugly chuckled. He picked up Chise, looked at Mike's corpse and said "If it would help, please just come back to reality as Iori."
THE END