It was a dark and stormy night. The Heavy and the Soldier were in the BLU base, eating lunch. The Heavy opened his lunch box; inside was a Sandvich, gleaming with its golden crumbs and juicy meat. The lettuce slowly crinkled with the elegance of a Russian Ballet Tomatoes were luciously red and sliced with perfection. The Cheese shined with the brilliance of a thousand suns and a million happy babies. The Pickles were very happy olive, attached via toothpick, gave this heavenly sandvich to kill literal armies of men easily in only 12 seconds. The Soldier was eating Captain America's shield.

They were leisurely consuming the wonderful cuisine, when suddenly there was a crash of deafening thunder. This thunder was different... it crashed repetively; angrily. Suddenly, the ceiling caved in and the tile floor caught on fire.

The Dastardly Edward Cullen with his sickly pale skin and leering saffron eyes used his magical powers to snatch the precious sandvich out of the Heavy's muscular fingers. The Soldier screamed in pitiful agony as Edward took to the inky sky. With an evil laugh, he snorted 'Mufufufufufufufu'.

The Heavy swore revenge for his priceless sandvich. He siezed the Soldier's Rocket Launcher, and aimed towards the ground. "TELL THEM I WILL RETURN WITH HEES HEAAD." The Soldier saluted with a mournful stance as the Heavy blasted into the sky, using the Rocket Launcher as a propulsion device. He slowly caught up to Edward Cullen in the stormy sky, and punched him in the skull.

"That was incredibly painful! But you'll never be able to escape my Blood Typhoon Attack!" He raised his wrists, and took out a kitchen knife. With a single swift movement, he slashed at his arms and wrists, and a torrent of blood spewed out, propelling him even further at jet-plane speed.

Meanwhile, the Heavy was drowning in the vampire boy's sickly dark blood. However, at the last milisecond, he fired all four Soldier Missles into the hurricane of red body fluids and held Edward Cullen in a Full Nelson. The heat of the Explosion solidified the blood, and the Heavy suplexed Edward into a jiggly mass of his own gore at the speed of light.

The resulting force created a Quantum Time Rift Black Hole that inevitably sucked the two fighters into its inky purple depths. There was a flash of bright white light. The Heavy and Edward found themselves at the pearly gates of Heaven.

In his glistening white robes, a stout man stood at the tall gates. A stern look on his face, with the wisdom of a thousand wizards, this man had an air of rugged elegance. His robe was stained with blood. Rotten body parts lay strewn among the fluffy clouds of the afterlife. Frank West had appeared to the two mortals.

'Uncle...' Edward said with a great sadness in his eyes. Frank West said 'You're an idiot. Even your mother thinks you're useless! I've covered wars, you know.'

The Heavy had an apathetic faceskin. He promptly punched Frank West who was actually God. Instead of plummeting into next week, Frank slowly got to his feet and smashed The Heavy and Edward Cullen across the 47 dimensions of Heaven. Suddenly, Stephanie Meyer ascended from the 10th Circle of Hell.

Her eyes brimmed with tears. 'How... dare you accuse me of hating my son! I love him! He is my only child!' She summoned millions of lines of garbled text from the lowest levels of Hell. They bounded together to form the original Draft of Twilight. She summoned her pen made of Manticore Bone, Orphan Tears, and 12-foot penis.

With a cunning look in her third eye, she swiftly wrote 'Frank West' into the Manuscript. Frank West fell to his knees, clutching his neck. It seemed as if all hope was lost, when suddenly the Blue Power Ranger appeared to him in a vision. "You must fight on! Believe in the power of love!"

He suddenly pulled a 3-DS out of his pants and opened the clamshell-style device. "Is your body ready?"

Stephanie Meyer was sucked into the endless vortex of the 3-DS, and her last words were "MY BODY WASN'T REAAADY!" Edward Cullen trudged forward, crying feminine tears. "My mother is dead! I shall have my revenge!"

The Heavy promptly punched Edward's skull off of the base of his spine. Suddenly, demons groped his legs and started to drag him down into Hell. His vertebrae shrieked in agony, but Frank West and the Heavy stood there, making everyone in the immediate vincity very uncomfortable.

The Heavy returned to the BLU base with Edward Cullen's head. His appetite for revenge was satisfied, but his appetite for food was not. A lone Sandvich lay by Satan's side at his unholy throne and Hell rumbled with anger and despair. The sky rained fire and brimstone, and the rivers and seas were run with blood.

To be Continued.