Pikachu Plays the Stock Market
By Bong & Schoolgirl Studly
Pikachu was angry. Not just because Ash was a stupid bitch, but because of the economic conditions facing his country. Pikachu is an avid player of the stock market, but today, today he had lost millions.
The little yellow thing had made millions off of franchising himself off. Out of all the Pokemon, he made the most money; imagine Pokemon was the WWE and Pikachu was John Cena. Yea, he made that much more money than the rest of them. Fucking crazy, amirite? But when the stock market crashed, he lost it all.
Now he was standing on top of a really large building. He was too drunk to know what building he was on, but between you and me, it was called the Nagatomi Plaza Towers. I mean it, between you and me, don't go telling other people now you hear me? The wind was blowing his yellow, lightning around fiercely, but Pikachu's mind was on the bottle in his hand and the cigarette in his mouth. Jameson clung to his breath like any normal person or pokemon would have clung onto the guardrail. But Pikachu, at least in his current mental state, was no normal person or pokemon. He was fucking suicidal as fuck yo. Like needing Dr. Phil suicidal levels, but Dr. Phil was busy profiting off of slutty children. By the way I would love to cash Dr. Phil ousside, fuck that dude, sleazy piece of shit purposefully lowering the intelligence level of our society by glorifying and rewarding deviant behavior and ignorance. I'm calling you out Dr. Phil, I'll celebrity box you any time, any day, any place, you fat bitch.
Pikachu looked down. Below him, people and animals went about the day, blissfully unaware of the intricacies which kept our economy going. They looked as small as ants from this height, and a dark part of him wished he had a magnifying glass large enough to scorch the peons beneath. In his dark and depressed mind, he'd just be doing them a favor; life was too painful to live.
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Through his headphones, Sting sang sweet lullabies to Pikachu; stories of bottles and prostitutes reduced him to tears. Could his life really end this way? Penniless, alone and broke? He didn't want to die, but he couldn't face his friends, not after this. He had told them he was the stock market master, and so much of that money wasn't his, but his friends and family. He lost his, he lost theirs, he lost it all. The only way he could think to pay them back would be his life insurance settlement. These people and pokemon had always been good to him, he needed to do right by them. He couldn't be responsible for their financial ruin, when there was a perfectly viable option to stop that in front of him.
Pikachu looked out at the horizon one last time, wiping away the tears which were obstructing his vision. The sky was so blue on summer afternoons like these. The idea of never waking up to see this again froze him. There just had to be another solution besides suicide! There just had to be. Alas, he knew he was lying to himself, and that there was no other option besides his friends and family moving into government housing. His friends and family had grown accustom to a certain lifestyle, and his irresponsibility and greed wasn't going to destroy that. There were bills and mortgages that needed paying, as well as college tuitions and car payments. Even just the everyday food and gas which people and their automobiles required more coin than it should have, but Pikachu was in no position to change global economic policies. At this point, the only thing he could which would impact his life, or the lives of those he loved, was to jump.
He approached the ledge, the wind blowing in his face drying his eyes in the process. This was it, this was his chance, his time, to be a man. To not be a waste of space, a leech sucking those around him dry, but to be a real man. His toes neared the edge of the rooftop, where he took one final drag off of his cigarette before flicking it out into the open sky. He wondered if the cigarette would fall on any passer-by's down on the street. He wondered the same about himself as he stepped off the building and fell to his death.
THE END :)