"Kurosaki Ichigo."
"What is it ol' Yama?"
Twitch "You have been brought before the captains of the Gotei 13 because you recently sat the captaincy test."
"That sounds right" Damn his back was killing him. It hadn't gotten any better since that bus hit him a week ago. His body couldn't take the hit but his spirit lived on so he had turned up here. They immediately (They meaning Byakuya, Renji and Kenpachi) forced him to sit the captains test. And now he was here in front of all the captains, including the new captain of the fifth division, Abarai Renji.
"You failed the captaincy test." Renji shouted out in joy and started pumping his fist in the air.
"You had the second worst score of all time, just ahead of Abarai." Renji shut up.
"So I've decided to do the same thing we did with him, you'll complete a task for each of the captains and they'll give their approval if they think you did well." Renji was once again shouting for joy, now it was his turn to inflict suffering on others.
"Except for Abarai-taicho, because he hasn't been a captain long enough." Renji did the anime fall down thing.
"This isn't fair." He whined.
"Well it has to be like this" said Kuchiki Byakuya, "otherwise it couldn't be called...
THE TEN TASKS OF KUROSAKI ICHIGO
Task 1: Yamamoto Shigekuni Genryusai
Yamamoto stared. Ichigo scowled. The staring continued. As did the scowling.
Yamamoto was losing this one. He was inflicting his full spiritual energy on Ichigo, but the boy seemed too stupid to notice. Ichigo had an unfair advantage, his face was naturally like this. The old man was definitely going to crack sooner or later. When he did crack it was audible. He was suddenly yelling "Fine you have your approval, now go!"
Renji was waiting for him outside. He was looking happy again. "He made you look in his eyes didn't he? Did you feel like you couldn't breathe? Did you feel like you were going to die? Huh?"
"What do you mean Renji, it was just a staring contest, no problems whatsoever."
You could see the tears brimming in Renji's eyes.
Task 2: Soi Fong aka Fong Shoalin
Ichigo ran for his life. He'd gone Ban Kai long ago and he was still having to run like hell to get away from this crazy woman. He was contemplating whipping out the old hollow form to try and escape but he had a feeling she wouldn't like that and he still needed her approval for this thing. She'd already managed to get him in the ass with Suzembachi once, he didn't like the idea of having symetrical butterfly marks on his butt cheeks. He briefly stopped to face her and pointed off to the side. "Hey look is that Yoruichi-san?" Soi Fong fell for it like a elephant off the high dive giving Kurosaki the critical seconds he needed to catch his breath before flying off again at full speed.
Task 3: Unohana Retsu
Medicine does not run in the blood. High spiritual pressure might, but medicine is not in any way part of the Kurosaki lineage. Ichigo put three of his patients into a coma just by entering the room and commited such terrible malpractise he had to give mouth to mouth to about several of the fangirls who had been following him at the time Soi Fong launched her attacks. Since they were most happy with the mouth to mouth they agreed not to sue the fourth division. By the end of the day Unohana was throwing him out the door telling him he's not to enter the fourth division hospital again, even if he's dying.
Task 4: Kuchiki Byakuya
"Abarai, Kurosaki. I have brought you both here today because I have a situation to deal with. Rukia is of the age now where I would expect her to start dating." Byakuya was unusually windy today
"And as part of my promise to Hisana, I must make sure that she dates someone appropriate who will protect her. You both cover the protection part, and I know you both would never hurt her." Ichigo did not like where this was going
"But I find you both inappropriate as a brother-in-law. So I have decided that since I like neither of you as a candidate, you will fight to the death for the right to date her."
"What the hell is going on here?" Rukia screamed out as she found Renji and Ichigo locked in mortal combat for what must be the third time now, over her.
"It was all Byakuya's idea. We're fighting to see who gets to date you." Ichigo said not taking his eyes off Renji. Renji hadn't won a fight against him yet, and he wasn't going to let that statistic change.
"Nii-sama!" Rukia screeched at Byakuya who was watching the events with a great deal of happiness "I told you last night that I was already going out with some one."
Byakuya tried to hush her up as best he could but Renji and Ichigo heard that last comment
"What do you mean, 'going out with someone'?" Renij asked
"You knew about this?" Ichigo said pointing an accusing Zangetsu at Byakuya
"Who is it?" Renji asked "Your boyfriend"
"Well, you all know him, he's a good friend of yours." She seemed to be avoiding the question when she finally mumbled "Ayasegawa Yumichika."
"WHAT?!" Renji yelled. Well more of a girly shriek.
"I didn't even think he swung that way." Ichigo said in disbelief.
"I think you guys are forgetting the most important thing" Rukia put in. "Nii-sama had every intention of you two killing each other over a girl he knew was already spoken for." She pointed an accusing finger at Byakuya who was trying to sneak out the door without being noticed. "Probably sneaking off to read those hidden Naruto comics.." She slapped a hand to her mouth. "I'm sorry Nii-sama that just slipped out." She shrank back a little bit.
Ichigo fell onto the floor laughing. His sides hurt. The idea of the noble Kuchiki bent over the tiny volumes of manga. Naruto! Of all the manga in the world he was reading Naruto. The man himself had a shadow cast over his face. "Nobody leaves here alive, Ban Kai."
The day ended in a resounding defeat for Kuchiki Byakuya. What, you seriously thought he could take on a Captain, a Vaizard and his own sister?
Task Five: Komamura Sajin
"Ichigo, I don't believe you should be a captain."
"Come on, just sign the paper."
"No I disagree with the use of hollow powers by a shinigami, especially a captain."
"Just do it as a personal favour for me."
"I won't compromise on my morals.
"Would you do it for a Schmako?"
Task Six: Kyoraku Shunsui
"Here's the paper signed, that'll be all Kurosaki." Ise Nanao coldly thrust out the paper at him.
"Um, shouldn't I have done something to earn this, or at least seen Kyoraku-taicho?"
"There's no need for that, Kyoraku taicho is occupied right now and can not be disturbed."
A groan came from the room behind the lieutenant.
"Is he all right?" Ichigo asked trying to see past the lieutenant
"He's fine" She said blocking him off.
Another groan "My head, I can't feel anything"
"Are you sure? He sounds like he's in pain."
"He's fine Kyoraku-taicho just has a hangover and needs to be treated."
"Why did you hit me so hard Nanao-chan? What did I do?"
Ichigo decided to let sleeping tigers lie. And hungover perverts to their misery. As he walked away he heard Shunsui try to talk Nanao into letting him go and then sounds of domestic violence. Let sleeping tigers lie.
Task Seven: Hitsugaya Toshiro
"Hey Toshiro, listen, I need you to sign this form for me, so I can be captain."
"No, piss off." The hell did that come from. The littlest captain was never this angry.
"But it's just a signature, that's all."
"I said piss off!" Hitsugaya threw a lamp at Ichigo who had to shunpo out of the way just barely in time.
Leaving the room, Ichigo was perplexed. Maybe it was the calling him Toshiro thing, though normally that just earned you a "It's Hitsugaya-taicho". He asked Matsumoto, who was waiting at her desk
"What's up with him today?" he enquired.
"It's his birthday and Momo hasn't called yet." She replied not looking up from the paperwork she was actually doing for once.
"Have you tried cheering him up?" Ichigo asked.
"Hey don't look at me, I even offered to show him the girls" She said gesturing to her chest "But he just yelled at me and threw stuff at me until I left."
Ichigo was about to leave when heard a phone go off inside Histugaya's office. He stayed a little while and listened as Hitsugaya talked with a bored tone and then insisted she call him Hitsugaya-taicho, the usual stuff. After the call was over Hitsugaya called out "If you're still there Kurosaki I'll sign the damn form."
"Oh, thanks Toshiro" Ichigo said coming into the room
Hitsugaya chuckled "It's Hitsugaya-taicho"
Task Eight: Zaraki Kenpachi
Ichigo was confident with this one. If there was one thing he was confident of, it was fighting Kenpachi. I mean think about it. Back during the invasion of sould society, Ichigo had little to no knowledge of how to fight with his Zanpaktou which was only in its Shi-Kai. He couldn't even control or use Getsuga Tensho back then and he'd still managed to come to a tie with Kenpachi. Since then, he'd developed Ban Kai, gained control of his Hollow powers and gained a lot more fighting experience. So unless Kenpachi had learned his zanpaktou's name, learnt to use his shi-kai, learnt Ban Kai, and somehow developed hollow powers, Ichigo was confident he could win this fight.
"Ichi, Ken-chan said he was going out to do stuff, so you gotta take care of me. Then he'll sign your captain form." Ichigo was absolutely dumbfounded. This was not what he was expecting
"Also Byakushi gave me this note." She said smilingly sweetly.
The note read:
Q: What's pink, cute and crammed full with enough sugar to kill a walrus?
A: You're looking at it!
Ichigo scowled on the corny joke as he scowls on just about everything. He was to think on the next eight hours with Yachiru as the hardest fight for survival in his entire life.
Task Nine: Kurotsuchi Mayuri
"Give this to the Quincy and I'll sign your form."
"Um, what is this exactly" Ichigo said eyes the vial filled with blue glowing liquid.
"It's a non-lethal drug to be taken orally."
"Come again?"
"He has to drink it but it won't kill him"
"Ah. Then, if it won't kill him, what will it do?"
"You'll see"
Ichigo would've been eighteen now if he were still alive. It was hard to convice him but he managed to get Ishida to take time off from training to have a drink with him. Ichigo liked being back in the real world, it made more sense to him. Ishida was just worried his father would find out.
"You're a real shinigami now, I hate Shinigami. I really shouldn't be here with you."
"Well, you remember that shinigami you hate the most?"
"Kurotsuchi Mayuri? Yeh, I remember, I almost killed him when we went to save Kuchiki-san."
"Well that drink you just finished contained some poison he made me give you."
Ishida jumped up and ran to the bathroom. Ichigo ran after him, he wanted to see this.
In the bathroom, Ishida had torn open his shirt to reveal a part of his chest that seemed to have developed a tattoo
"Kurotsuchi – 1 Quincy – 0"
Task Ten: Ukitake Jyuushiro
"I remember the first time I saw you, Kurosaki."
"Oh, yeh that was on top of that white tower."
"Remember how Yoruichi practically killed you with one hit?"
"That was sort of to prove a point, and so I wouldn't take on Byakuya too early."
"Yeh, good times. I'd give anything to see that again."
"Wait, really? As in you'd sign the form if I just let Yoruichi punch me in the stomach?"
"Well, it'd have to be that sort of epic gut-punch, but that sort've idea."
Ichigo whipped out a shinigami cellphone and dialled in a number.
"Urahara? It's Ichigo ... yeh shut up dying hurt ... listen, what's the quickest way to get Yoruichi over here and have her gut-punch me within an inch of my... do I say life? Anyway doesn't matter, what should I do? ... Really? ... Those exact words? ... Worked before ... okay, well I'll see you next time I'm in town ... yeh bye"
Ukitake looked over inquisitively. Ichigo nodded hastily in conformation then dialled again on his cellphone. Soon enough someone answered.
"Hey Yoruichi, it's Ichigo. Look, I'm not sure if this is a bad thing or not, I just wanted to tell you I gave Soi Fong your cell number and Urahara's address, I figured you'd want a heads up, I think she'll be there in about an hour." Ichigo said in his into the cellphone. There was yelling on the other end for a second before Ichigo snapped the phone shut.
"And now we wait."
A/N: I write for readers, and especially reviewers. Send me feedback so I can actually help you in your quest for better, funnier fanfics. If you don't like the joke, or you want me to change one of the tasks, send me a review or a PM and I'll change it for you. Seriously I will.
-JeanThine