Release
Neru wants to believe. To believe, and not be afraid, because it's what she needs to do and what they both need right now, but there's no way to do what they're about to do without being worried.
Especially when it's Haku.
The time for second-guessing has long passed, because Haku is laying on the bed beneath her already, between knees planted firmly against sheets, and Neru can not, will not, be another of the many, of everyone else who gave up on her. Haku looks at her imploringly, so vulnerable, so trusting, and if she can trust Neru, Neru can trust her too.
Haku needs her belief, needs to feel it if she's going to survive this, and not the ugly part of her that wants all of herself dead.
Neru doesn't ask if she is ready; doesn't have to, the very fact that they are where they are is a testament to that. She leans forward, hands on her shoulders, sliding them towards her throat. Wraps her fingers around her soft neck-
-and pushes.
She can't stop to wonder if she herself will be strong enough to continue-it isn't about her. For an awful moment, there's the urge to ease off right away, go back to the pleading and the begging and the screaming and the everything else that didn't work, didn't convince Haku that she was loved and that she'd be missed if she took herself away, but the notion fades as Neru remembers, remembers that she is holding more than just Haku, hurting more than just Haku. She holds all of Haku's life, wrapped up tight in her hands, pale, subdued, and quickly bruising, and she won't let go until she's sure she's killed the part that doesn't belong.
The first few seconds are the worst part, the way she feels Haku just stopping under her, the way her eyes fill with a messy palette of emotions at once, especially that god-awful uncertainty, in the decision, in herself. Her hands are clenching the pillow under her head so tightly her knuckles go white; it hurts, and Neru knows it, but what Haku needs is for her to keep being strong for her, with her.
Thirty-four seconds.
Haku's eyes are inconsistent, drifting in a muddied haze of desperation and aimlessness. Her lips part softly, body starving for air, but Neru resolutely forces her hands tighter, gripping her frail, slender neck like their lives depend on it, because they do.
Forty-seven seconds.
Just as she wonders, hopes that it has been enough, Haku loosens her hold on the pillow, fingers uncurling slowly. Neru hesitates a moment, knowing that people can die with their eyes open, and it is one moment too much, because the monster inside Haku can sense the bead of mutualized trepidation between them and has come forward with a vengeance, to tell her in a cruel and belittling voice that she should just let herself die right here, to Neru's hands, and that she should like it, because really, she didn't deserve even that much.
Haku is listening, and Neru can tell, because she stops trying to hold her face up and it slips to the side to rest on one cheek, dejected, her lashes easing to a close, mouth doing the same, of her own accord, no less.
She's losing her.
Without letting go of her tender, battered throat, Neru jerks her so her face snaps forward again, towards her again.
"Fight me." Neru demands. "Fight it. Fight."
They hadn't come this far to give up. Not now, and not ever again, because they had to make it.
She knows she's scaring Haku, because they had a rule, one rule, and Neru is breaking it right now.
"If you close your eyes, I'm stopping."
Sixty-two seconds.
They'd agreed to it for safety reasons, but at this rate it was safer to continue than to stop.
"Come back."
Haku's eyes catch onto hers, seeking her strength, and Neru looks right back into hers, grateful that she wants to partake. Together, it is possible to save her. It's just a matter of being there, being there and believing that the best of Haku far outweighs the worst.
Moisture is collecting in Haku's beautiful, struggling eyes, spilling back over her temples, and it's been so long that her skin isn't quite the color it should be. Neru's hands are aching with the tireless effort, and she wonders, if she's hurting so much, how must Haku feel? She wonders, has she crushed her delicate throat beyond repair? What if she hurts more than just the monster, and Haku doesn't make it?
She sees her eyelashes falter once more and Neru can't take it; her vision begins to blur along with Haku's, and she's sobbing for her to hurry up and win already, because neither of them can take much more of this, and it's now or never, because they'll never make it this far again-
A broken sound, somewhere between living and dying, tears itself from Haku's throat, pleads to Neru that she will fight too.
It's all Neru needs. She squeezes her throat harder than she thought possible, because her hesitation will not be what kills Haku, kills them-
Haku's frail hands, trembling terribly with their frighteningly prominent veins, move and grasp Neru's, expending just the necessary strength to pull them off her throat before falling limply to the sheets once more.
Eighty-nine seconds.
They are both gasping and shuddering for dear life; Neru only then realizes that she'd begun holding her breath along with Haku. As gently as possible, she cups Haku's face in her palms and presses a long kiss between her eyes.
"-ehru-" Haku breathes, because she is panting too hard to speak anything but the airiest of letters, "-k...iss mhh..."
Neru touches their lips together gingerly, knowing that every breath was hurting her, but also that things would be okay, because the monster was gone, and they'd slain it together. She lays beside Haku and draws her close, head against her chest so she can feel the steadying heartbeat hammering away in her ribcage, get used to breathing agan.
"Look what you've done." Neru chides her softly, fingers running through her hair, "Look at what you've done and never do it again, okay?" Shaking, she presses another kiss to the crown of her head.
Haku nods with as much strength as she can, and if it's enough for her, it's enough for Neru. "Okay."
The only thing they succumbed to that night was sleep.
A/N: I don't usually write this sort of thing, but I'm glad I did this one. It was one of those fics that hit me right away and flowed out all at once. I know I'm already behind on my other stories, I just had a massive case of writer's block that this may have cured, and I'm almost done, so just bear with me. OTL Anyway, thank you so much for reading, and I always love to read reviews if you felt like leaving them~.