A/N: Another Glee fanfiction from me. This is probably my attempt at providing Quinn with a moral compass that she lacked for a better part of the first half of the season. Of course, this was written before Mr. Shue found about his wife's "faked pregnancy" in the episode "Mattress." As well as every episode following "Mattress." As such this is AU in more ways than one. Anyway, enjoy! R&R! Thanks! –Mac
Disclaimer: I don't own Glee.
Guilt, Regret and an Odd Sense of Relief
Quinn never planned on telling him the truth about the baby. She was set to hold up the charade as long as necessary. She was also certain he would never figure it out on his own—he was an amazing athlete and he had an amazing voice, but the buck stopped there. After he bought the whole hot tub lie, she was sure she was home free. As long as none of the informed parties let it slip, Finn would never find out. Puck was too scared to lose his best and practically only true friend and she wasn't going to step one toe out of her meticulously strung web of lies. Finn was in the dark, and that was how he would stay. At least, that was how she felt in the beginning.
She never planned on Puck being so adamant about supporting the baby and her. She never planned on falling apart so completely. She never planned on Finn falling apart with her. By the time she realized that her plan was coming apart it was too late to salvage it. After the whole ordeal of indecisiveness about keeping the baby—telling Mrs. Shuester that she wasn't giving her daughter up, and then changing her mind again—she felt the pressure on her even more. It pressed in on her from all sides, from everyone around her—Finn, Puck, Mrs. Shuester and her crazy-eyed sister, even from her out of the picture parents. Everyone was telling her what she should do and how she should act and it all became too much.
She snapped. She snapped. Every carefully constructed wall, she had put up to hide the truth, was pulled down because she wasn't strong enough. She had never suspected herself of being the weakest link.
Glee rehearsal had just finished and Mr. Shue was talking to Rachel, Tina and Brittany. He was telling them about the baby girl that was going to come into his life. He had that giddy tone to his voice as he explained how excited he was that the little girl would be a piece of him and piece of his wife. The students around him gave a chorus of Aws and chattered about how beautiful the baby girl was bound to be.
From her seat a few feet away, Quinn overheard the whole conversation. Finn was talking into her other ear but she had tuned him out long before. She didn't look up but her attention was on Mr. Shue's voice. She was overcome by a sudden and unexpected wave of guilt. Mr. Shue was happy to be having a baby that was truly his. He was so genuinely happy and he was such a good person. He didn't deserve to be lied to. Quinn felt sick to her stomach because not only was Mrs. Shuester lying to her husband, but she herself was facilitating the lie. She had never felt so ashamed of herself in her entire life. She started to cry without warning. She could have blamed it on the hormones—and five minutes earlier she would have—but she couldn't now. She realized what a terrible person she had been. She was lying to her friends, to Puck, to Finn, to Mr. Shue and, most importantly, to herself. It broke her.
"Quinn? Are you okay?" Finn asked, seemingly distracted from what he had been talking about by the tears.
"I'm fine," Quinn muttered. She began to sob harder as the lie left her lips.
"Hormones," Puck spat out from where he was packing up his guitar.
"Is this about what I just said?" Finn questioned, concern lacing his voice. "I'm sorry if it upset you, but I just think that as the father of the baby I should get a say in wha—"
"You're not the father!" Quinn abruptly snapped, cutting him off.
That was it. The truth was out. Quinn couldn't look at Finn, who was staring at her with his mouth hanging open. Her eyes flicked around the room only to find everyone else in the room was also staring at her. Puck had frozen in the middle of putting his guitar case over his shoulder. It dangled there in midair from his outstretched hand. The silence was broken by the sound of Quinn's continued sobs. The truth sat suspended between them for one long moment and then the room broke into chaos.
"I don't…I don't…" Finn sputtered. "I'm not the father?"
Quinn sniffled and shook her head.
"Then…how…why?" Finn's brow furrowed.
"I'm so s-sorry," Quinn whispered. "What I told you about the hot tub…it's impossible."
Finn's face flushed and his jaw set. "Then who?"
When Quinn looked up again, her eyes weren't the only ones on Puck. Mercedes is staring a hole in the back of his mohawked head but didn't look the least bit surprised. Rachel's gaze on him held a current of accusation, anger and disappointment. Kurt was raising a manicured eyebrow in distaste, though the reaction could be mistaken for his disapproval of Puck's unfashionable choice of attire for the day. Quinn wondered to herself just how many people knew the truth she thought she had hidden so well.
Finn followed Quinn's eyes to his best friend and he was out of his seat before the realization could even hit him fully. It was the surprise of the attack more than anything that allowed Puck to be taken down, but the next thing she knew she was watching Finn's first connect with Puck's face as the two wrestled on the ground. She wanted to yell at them, but the steady rush of tears stole her breath. Matt, Mike and Mr. Shue broke them up before Puck could get in a punch in response, and the two are dragged to opposite sides of the room. Mr. Shue puts Finn back into his seat next to Quinn and Matt and Mike continue to restrain Puck across the room.
"Now, are you two calm?" Mr. Shue pointed at Finn and Puck.
Finn nodded solemnly. The anger had washed right out of him. With one glance, Quinn could see he was about to cry himself. She wanted to comfort him, but she had caused the pain and there was no taking it back.
Puck huffed and threw off Matt and Mike's hands, "I'm calm if he's calm. He's the one who threw the punch."
"Okay, everyone else out. Puck, take a seat," Mr. Shue replied, pointing out a chair for Puck.
Quinn watched everyone file out through tear clouded eyes. The sobs had mostly subsided and she wiped her eyes with the back of her hands. Puck sat down where Mr. Shue had directed. Mr. Shue pulled over a chair and sat down in front of them. Quinn let out a wavering breath in an attempt to calm herself but it didn't do much good. She looked over at Finn and Puck, and then back at Mr. Shue. She closed her eyes and tried to push away the barrage of thoughts running through her head. She had caused so much pain and suddenly her conscience had a voice. After silencing it for so long, the guilt was suffocating.
"Alright, let's just take a moment to calm down. Get our heads on straight and take a deep breath," Mr. Shue started. "Now, do you want to talk about it?"
"What's there to talk about?" Finn replied. "My girlfriend cheated on me and lied to me, and my best friend betrayed me because he can't keep it in his pants."
"It wasn't like that," Puck exclaimed, turning a scowled at Finn
"Am I supposed to believe that you have feelings for her?" Finn responded. "You don't love her."
"You don't either!" Puck retorted.
Quinn had sat quietly while Finn and Puck argued. The tears had dried up but it didn't hurt any less to hear that neither of the two boys really loved her. She had known, or had a feeling at the very least, but no one had ever said it out loud. That made it real. She had crossed her arms and tried to shrink back into her chair. She wasn't drawn back out until Mr. Shue began to talk.
"Okay, okay, okay!" Mr. Shue cut in. "My turn to talk. This is a very adult situation and bickering like toddlers is not going to solve anything. I know that you're young and this is difficult for all of you but I need you to bring the maturity level up while we talk this through." Mr. Shue made to continue, "Finn, I understand how you must feel..."
"So you're taking his side?" Puck scowled.
"There is only one side here, Puck. The side that is committed to doing what is best for that baby. I know that is hard to grasp because you're teenagers and you're hardwired to only look out for yourself, but you've got to find a way to unite in the best interest of the baby," Mr. Shue explained.
"I don't have to anymore," Finn shook his head. "The baby is not mine. It's not my problem anymore."
"Don't talk about her like that, Finn," Quinn murmured. Her chest was tightening and she was sure tears were going to spring forth again.
"Why not? That's the way you think of her," Finn replied. "You want to give her away like she doesn't mean anything to you. You don't want her."
"Of course I want her!" Quinn exclaimed, and the tears broke free once again. "I thought giving her away would be the best thing for her. I can't give her the life she deserves. She deserves a family that can take care of her. People like…like…" Quinn trailed off as she turned her eyes toward Mr. Shue. She shook her head and stared down at her hands.
"You should have told me the truth. I think I could have forgiven you, but now, I don't think I'll ever be able to," Finn said quietly, his voice void of any recognizable emotion.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have…You didn't deserve to be lied to like that. N-No one does…" Quinn looked over at Mr. Shue and a sob wrenched its way out of her throat. "I'm sorry Mr. Shue. I'm so sorry."
"Why are you apologizing to me Quinn?" Mr. Shue frowned.
"Because I can't lie to you anymore…" Quinn answered. "I found a family for my baby."
"What?" Puck questioned, "You found a family already? I thought we talked about…"
"I can't do it Puck," Quinn shot back. "I'm not ready and neither are you. That's why I made the decision to give her to this family."
"What family?" Mr. Shue asked with concern in his eyes. "What do you know about them? You can't be rash with something like this. You have to know all the facts to make an informed decision."
"It's your family, Mr. Shue," Quinn blurted out. "It's you, Mr. Shue."
Mr. Shue fell silent, confusion etched into his features. Puck and Finn were both looking at her with shock on their faces. She tried to take in a breath so she could explain herself, but it caught in her throat. She could feel her hands shaking but she forced herself to continue.
"I made a deal with your wife. I let her lie to you and I was so wrong to do that. All you've been is good to me. I can't lie to anymore," Quinn replied, her voice hoarse from crying. "I'm just so, so sorry."
Without another word, Quinn picked up her bag and ran from the room. She didn't know where to go or what to do. But there was a part of her that felt an odd sense of relief, because she didn't have to lie anymore. She didn't have to pretend that everything was going to be okay. She didn't have to pretend that she could solve all her problems. Her well placed lies would have fallen apart eventually, and the least she could do to soothe the guilty conscience that had so abruptly mad itself known was let the truth out. Now that she had gotten it out there, that everyone knew where they stood, she could begin to move forward. She could focus on putting herself back together, instead of always being on constant alert to cover up her lies. She needed to be strong, for herself and her baby girl.
Things were going to get better, she could feel it.