AN: Surprise, surprise, it's another Kyou/Tama. I know it's sort of OOC of Kyouya to write in a diary/express himself, but my point of view is that he has let his emotions out somewhere or he'll just explode. So why not a diary?
Set in Tamaki and Kyouya's senior year.
Disclaimer: I own nothing pertaining to this series. Except perhaps Kyouya's angst. Angst, angst, angst.
I am so tired. Tired of lying. Tired of wearing this ridiculous mask and pretending that I don't have feelings. Tired of thinking of you every waking second, and not being able to tell you. I am tired to the very core of my being.
But your happiness is important to me. Your happiness is paramount, and I can say that without any trace of bitterness. I want you to be happy more than I want happiness for myself. I can find happiness other places, I'm certain. It was just so conveniently wrapped up in you that I stopped looking.
I will pretend, for you, even if you don't know what it is that I'm pretending. I will hide behind my carefully crafted façade of an unfeeling, analytical shadow king, so that you might live a normal, happy life. And I will be okay.
Sometimes, you look at me with your striking eyes, and I wonder at my own self restraint. How do I keep myself from telling you that I need you like the very air I breathe? How do I keep myself from taking your beautiful face in my hands and telling you that I want no one else in the world, save you?
And then I see you amongst other people, and I remember. You have a future. You have a chance at becoming the head of a great company. If I told you any of the things that I feel, your life would be thrown into chaos because you would either turn me down (which would undoubtedly cause problems in your life) or you would reciprocate, and ruin your future by having a taboo relationship with your best friend.
And I am your friend. And that is why I will pretend. That is why you will never hear me say that I love you. It isn't because I don't love you. It's because I do love you that I will never tell you.
Once, a long time ago, you told me that I was liar. You told me that I was a faker, pretending to be content with my situation. You made me promise that I would show my emotions, at least to some extent. You made me promise that I would admit that I had emotions, and you made me promise never to lie to you about what I felt.
I break that promise every time I see you. I break that promise every time you ask me how I am. I have lied to you for years now. I have hidden who I am and what I feel.
Forgive me for lying to you, my friend, my great love. I hope you would believe me if I told you it was all for the best.
- - -Kyouya