Warning: The fic is dark and at some points confusing. You have been warned.
Somewhere, there was a better world than the one he lived in.
Somewhere, there was a better future than the one he would get.
Somewhere, there was a better past than the one that he was tormented by.
Somewhere, he would be a better person.
The room he sat in was cold, dark and empty.
'Funny,' he thought sarcastically, 'that's exactly how I feel.' That, though, wasn't without reason.
He raised his eyes until they rested on the small shrine he'd made. A shrine for his family. His entire family, but his parents and Itachi especially.
He felt angry when he thought of his brother. His older brother, whom when he had loved without limits when he was little, and later hated without limits as well. 'My brother whom I've killed with his own hands,' he thought bitterly.
And what for?
He clenched his hands into fists and hung his head low, reminding himself of the vow he'd made. Konoha would pay for what they'd done to him, his family, his brother. It was the only reason why he had returned to the village, why he had gone through interrogation after interrogation and was eventually sentenced to a house-arrest for an undetermined amount of time. He would destroy Konoha from the inside out, even if it was the last thing he did.
It probably made him a despicable person, infiltrating the village he had once called his own. But he couldn't make himself care. They had taken everything from him. They had taken his family, ruined his past and destroyed any good future he might've had.
Yet there were problems clouding his horizon of revenge and those clouds kept getting thicker and thicker without him being able to stop them.
He knew, though, that nothing would be able to stop him from getting his revenge. Not after Itachi's death. But destroying Konoha, taking his revenge in the current situation, he could not help but feel like some sort of monster. Because why would someone start a relationship only to know it would end badly? To know it would end in betrayal instead of a happily ever after? And who knew, maybe it would even end in death.
A long, tired sigh passed his lips. How cruel he was nowadays. How cold and uncaring towards other's feelings he'd become. He knew that he had been different when he had been young. Back then he had been kind and proud. An average little boy. Now all he could do was hurt people, even if it wasn't intentional.
He didn't want to hurt his lovers. Didn't want to see them in pain and he certainly didn't want to be the cause of it. However strange and unbelievable it sounded, he loved them. The two of them.
But what he wanted and what would happen were two different things.
He wished that things were different. For then he could love them the way they deserved to be loved. Then he could be the person they wanted him to be. If only this was a different reality in which his family was still alive and he was the kind, proud boy of his earlier years again. If only…
He closed his eyes and wished to be there. Somewhere
Sometimes, he would find himself somewhere better.
Sometimes, he would see a better future than the one he would get.
Sometimes, he would have a better past than the one that he was tormented by.
Sometimes, he would be a better person.
When Sasuke entered the kitchen, freshly showered after a long and heavy training-session with his father, Mikoto smiled brightly at her youngest son.
"Hi, dear." She greeted him and watched as he slumped down in one of the dinner-table chairs standing in the large kitchen. "How was your training?"
With a sigh, Sasuke shrugged. "Fine." He said. But when Mikoto shook her head he knew she didn't believe him. She didn't need to believe him. It was a lie, after all.
"He just wants you to be the best you can be." Mikoto told her son with a small smile and started rummaging around the kitchen to make her son a snack. Something with tomatoes.
Sasuke merely grunted in reply. His mother was right to a certain degree. His father did want him to be the best he could be but he couldn't help but find it unfair. The best his father thought he could be was being like Itachi after all and that was something he found difficult to achieve.
Because even though he'd been better today – better than last time – and Fugaku had said that he was proud of Sasuke, he still had to add that at his age, Itachi had been better. That at his age, Itachi had been ANBU. But he guessed that his father got what he wanted by saying those things. Because next time, he would be even better, becoming more and more like the older brother he looked up to and wanted to be like. Even at the age of fifteen he still felt that way. And while sometimes his family dynamics frustrated him, he had to admit that he wouldn't want it any other way. Because underneath it all, underneath all the pressure and sometimes even harsh words, they were a close, caring family.
"So how have Neji and Shikamaru been lately? Haven't seen them around for a while." Mikoto suddenly asked, now facing Sasuke while chopping a few tomatoes for a salad.
Sasuke blinked at the sudden question although he shouldn't be surprised. He knew that sometimes his mother just wanted to talk with him to know what was going on in his life.
"They're both on missions." He shrugged, not adding that he hoped they'd both be back soon. He'd been friends with the both of them for as long as he could remember, but lately their friendship seemed to be changing. It had freaked him out at first. Not only were they all guys, no, it were two people he was attracted to. But after a lot of thinking and beating himself up over something he couldn't change he'd come to accept the situation. And, as uncertain glances were exchanged between them and hands lingered longer than they should sometimes, it seemed he wasn't the only one having accepted what was to come between them.
"Are they now? Well, when they get back you need to have a sleepover." Mikoto said and then smiled at her son. "They're such good boys."
Sasuke nodded, although he couldn't help but wonder if maybe his mother knew more about things than she let on.
When he felt a familiar chakra signature nearing he turned to the door. And surely, a few moments later Itachi appeared in the doorway and he couldn't help but grin, happy his brother was back from his mission unharmed.
"Welcome back, Itachi." Mikoto greeted her oldest son with a warm, relieved smile. "How was the mission?"
Itachi shrugged and moved to sit down next to Sasuke. "It was nothing." Then he turned to Sasuke . "I saw father when coming in. He said you've gotten better again." He said, praising Sasuke in his own way.
Sasuke felt happy, proud of himself that he'd done so well that his father would even tell Itachi about it even though he'd just come back from a mission. That didn't stop him from pouting slightly, though. "But I'm still not as good as you."
"Of course you're not." Itachi said and then poked Sasuke in the forehead. "But we can always train together for a bit."
Sasuke grinned at the silent promise and nodded, agreeing that yes it would be a good idea if they trained together. There was little more in the world that he loved more than training with Itachi.
That night, when he went to bed, he felt reluctant to go to sleep. He always felt reluctant to go to sleep. Because deep down, even he realized that when he went to sleep here he wouldn't wake up again. Not in this dream, at least.
For that was all this was. A dream, a silent wish to have this kind of life instead of the one he had. Because this was the life he could have had. And in a way, he did have this life. But only sometimes.
Always, he would wake up from the better place he sometimes found.
Always, he would be shown that his future was destined.
Always, he would have the past that he was tormented by.
And never would he be a better person.
When he woke in the other dream his bedroom was dark, only the pale light of the moon shining in through the window to give the room an almost serene feel.
This hadn't always been Sasuke's bedroom. It used to be Itachi's. But that was not the reason why he had chosen to sleep in it.
The reason why he slept in this room was almost childishly simple. It was the only room in the house where the moon shone its light in throughout the entire night. That made it the only room that was lit entirely during the night without him having to leave lights on.
It seemed almost stupid for Sasuke to sleep in this room for such a reason but it didn't matter. There was no-one around to ask him for a reason anyway.
But he had to sleep in this room if he wanted to be able to get any sleep at all. He couldn't stand the darkness of other rooms, the little crooks and corners that were left unlit. But his pride didn't allow him to turn on lights and so he ended up sleeping in this room.
Although sleep was a broad concept. If ghosts, memories and guilt were kind to him, he would sleep for five to six hours a night. But he didn't have many of those nights.
Usually, he would sleep for two hours or less, haunted the rest of the night by all the things he'd done and seen in his short life.
He was cruel. A monster.
He now was the kind of person he had always thought Itachi to be, until he learned the truth. By then, of course, it had already been too late. His brother was already dead and he was the responsible one, his hands forever drenched in blood. The guilt he carried with him for killing his brother would never leave and it would never lessen.
And if that wasn't enough for him to carry with him, the revenge he wanted to atone for Itachi's death would never come. Not after he had tried and messed up.
Not after he had taken away the only spots of hope left in his life.
For if only his lovers hadn't found out his plans. If only they hadn't tried to talk him out of it. If only they hadn't threatened to tell the Hokage. And... if only he hadn't tried to stop them, by force.
Their deaths hadn't been intentional. In fact, if there were two people in the entire village he would've spared for his revenge it would've been them. But the revenge he'd wanted for so long – first for the death of his family by his brother's hands and then for his brother's death by his own hands – had clouded his mind and had blocked all rational thinking. His anger had been too much for them to handle and his fear of the only thing he thought was important in his life slipping away made him too strong for even the two of them to handle.
All the punishment he'd endured afterwards, the lock-up in his own house with no chance of ever leaving that patch of ground again, nothing mattered anymore.
Because the moment he'd lost them he had realized exactly what he'd done, what they'd meant to him. They were more precious to him than his revenge only – just as with Itachi – he had been too late to realize that...
He had failed. Again. And now he was left alone forever to pine away in the house that reminded him of everything he might have had. But he didn't have a good past, didn't have a bright future awaiting him. All that was left for him in this life was death. Alone.
So whenever he went to bed, he prayed that he could sleep. Not because he wanted time to move faster and for it to become another day. That didn't matter to him.
But he knew that whenever he went to sleep, he would wake up in a better place instead of having to live in this nightmare.
For that was all this was. A nightmare, a cruel mirror held in front of him to show him what could happen if he kept doing what he was doing now. Because this was the life he might have. And he felt lucky that he always woke up from this nightmare.
Never would he live in a better place than the one he lived in now.
Never would he be able to change his past, even if he wanted to.
Never could he take back what he'd done over the years.
But sometimes, somewhere, he got the chance to change his future.
And he always took that chance, making him a better person.
"– suke, Sasuke!"
Hearing someone talk to him and feeling hands on his shoulders, Sasuke bolted upright in his bed. His eyes were wide and he was panting harshly, the bed-sheets clenched in his fists which were white-knuckled from his tight grip.
"Thank God, you're awake." Someone breathed besides him.
He immediately snapped his head to the side, heart hammering wildly in his chest after his horrible nightmare. When he saw both Neji and Shikamaru sitting next to him on the bed, both looking at him worriedly, he shivered, unable to stop a whimper from passing his lips.
His dream, his nightmare, had returned again and as always he was overcome with an indescribable feeling of guilt and self-loathing. For while the dreams showing him the future he would never have had always made him angry and fuelled his thoughts of revenge, the nightmare that his future might become always made him doubt himself.
He hated it.
"You okay?" Shikamaru asked suddenly, concern clear on his face and closely watching Sasuke.
Sasuke looked at Shikamaru and then at Neji. He still couldn't understand how these two man could love him. Sure, he'd come back to the village and it was true that they didn't know why he came back but he was still an awful person, or so he thought. But they'd been there for him when he returned, had befriended him and somehow, they had ended up together. To him, it was both a blessing and a curse and he didn't know what to do.
"I... fine." He nodded, jaw tense and his hands were still clenching the sheets. He could see on their faces that they didn't believe him. "Did I say anything in my sleep?" He asked, afraid that he might have blurted out something that could make his nightmare a reality.
Neji frowned and glanced at Shikamaru who was looking at Sasuke instead and asked: "Like what?"
Sasuke swallowed. He asked them the question every time he woke up from a nightmare. Before, they'd always just shook their head and told him he hadn't but now they were getting suspicious. Not that he could blame them. But nonetheless he simply couldn't answer their question. So instead he shook his head. "Nothing, never mind."
He caught Shikamaru and Neji looking at each other, worried and doubtful.
He sighed and awkwardly made his way out of the bed. He couldn't stand this. His own guilt and their confusion made him question all he thought he knew and he needed to get out of the room. As always. "I'm going out to get some fresh air."
When he was about to walk away from the bed, though, he was stopped by a hand tugging on his wrist.
"Sasuke..." Neji looked at Sasuke with an expression that was a mixture between worry and annoyance. But the tight grip he had on Sasuke's hand betrayed the pain he felt at being dismissed like this, like Shikamaru and him always were. "You know we'll support you through anything, right?"
Sasuke turned his head away from Neji, unable to look into those opalescent eyes he'd come to love so much. He was such a bastard for doing this... He pulled his hand out of Neji's grasp and gave the other a curt nod. "I know," he said and then turned around and quickly fled the room, the admonishing words "No, you don't..." following him like his haunted memories did.
The moment Sasuke stepped outside he had to sit down onto the wooden porch before his knees gave out under him.
Lately nights had always been like this. Every night he went to sleep he felt anxious, fearful of the fact that if he ended up mumbling in his sleep there was nothing he could do about it. They couldn't find out about his plan for they'd surely protect Konoha. And if they did that he would end up hurting them, killing them. But still he woke up in cold sweat every night, feeling guilty beyond believe and praying he hadn't accidentally let something slip.
And as the nights that he woke up after a nightmare kept occurring more often now the trust Neji and Shikamaru had in him wavered. He could see it in their eyes, in their movements. And every time he promised them that he knew they trusted him and would support him he would build another layer on the brick wall forming between them.
He sighed to himself, wondering why he was doing this.
Why was he putting them through this? Heck, why was he putting himself through this? He was only making things harder on himself.
Because revenge was the only reason for his return to the village and at the time, he'd be so certain that nothing would be able to stop him from getting it. But now, however, priorities seemed to change, his focus in life seemed to shift and he was left a confused mess, having to deal with feelings he wasn't used to.
He knew it was love he felt for Neji and Shikamaru. But he hadn't expected that such a feeling would weigh on him as heavily as this. He hadn't expected that it would make him think of them and their safety before getting his revenge.
The feeling was changing him, changing his goals in life and while on one hand he didn't want things to change – he had to get his revenge – on the other hand he longed for what they had to offer. And even though he didn't want to, even though he thought he couldn't want to, he longed for their love more than for revenge.
"Sasuke, why don't you come back inside?" Neji suddenly asked him.
He didn't have to look up to know that both Neji and Shikamaru stood in the doorway. He took a deep breath and raised his eyes, looking into the dark of the night while realization set over him.
He couldn't have both. He couldn't have his lovers and his revenge. Taking one would undoubtedly lead into the loss of the other. All that he needed to do now was make a decision.
Would he choose the revenge he had wanted to get for as long as he could remember? Or would he choose the love offered to him, a feeling he had longed for even though he hadn't realized it before?
"Sasuke?" This time it was Shikamaru speaking up, his voice soft and worried.
Realizing their question was left unanswered, Sasuke shook his head. "Why don't you two go back to sleep." He suggested. He desperately needed time to think.
"No." Neji suddenly said firmly and Sasuke's eyes widened slightly at the simply word. "Do you think we're stupid?"
"What?" Sasuke asked, turning to his lovers with a frown on his face. What was Neji talking about?
Neji stood in the doorway, obviously irritated and with his arms crossed in front of his chest. "You're dating two of the smartest shinobi in the village and you think we don't know what's going on?"
Sasuke paled. This was it, wasn't it? This was his nightmare becoming reality... His hands shook at his sides and he felt sick to his stomach. "W-what's going on?" He asked, his voice unsteady.
Next to Neji, leaning against the doorpost, Shikamaru sighed. "Don't get troublesome now. You know what we're talking about."
Sasuke felt his heart drop, felt tears come to his eyes and all he could think and see was his nightmare coming to live. "Please..." he chocked.
"Please?" Neji repeated, his tone still irritated but it also betrayed but also showing signs of worry and confusion.
"Don't make me do it." Sasuke said, although with the broken tone of his voice it could be begging as well. He hadn't had time to think, time to make a decision. He wasn't ready for this. Not yet.
An unbidden sob passed his lips and he shook his head, hands clenched into fists and his eyes fixed on the ground, unable to look at his lovers. "I've dreamt this so many times, I [i]know[/i] what you're going to do. But please... don't. Don't make me stop you! I... I can't."
Suddenly, both Neji and Shikamaru were by his side. Neji was holding his right hand and Shikamaru holding his left and Sasuke shivered, wanting to pull away from the touch. But he was stopped by his lovers, forced to stay where he was.
"Sasuke... stop us from doing what?" Neji asked, his hand squeezing Sasuke's as he spoke.
A soft whimper passed Sasuke's lips but he couldn't care about the embarrassing sound at the moment. He'd been found out and it was time to come clean. And maybe, only maybe, he could convince them to wait for a while. "Telling the Hokage about what I'll do... I don't want to stop you."
"Troublesome Uchiha," Shikamaru said and cupped Sasuke's chin in his free hand, raising the other's face so he was looking into Sasuke's eyes. "You don't have to."
"What?" Sasuke sat frozen on the ground, staring at Shikamaru and wondering if he'd heard those words right and – if he did – what the hell was going on.
"We've known for a while now, Sasuke." Neji said. "And we've discussed it and we want to help you."
"You... what?" Sasuke asked and his eyes widened when the reality of those words set in. "No, you can't. You can't... you'll ruin your lives. You'll –"
Neji placed a finger against Sasuke's lips and shook his head. "No, we won't."
"Your revenge. It's not against the entire village. In your anger, you might think it is but it's not. It's only against a few people. We can't let you destroy the village over this, Sasuke. You're right about that." Shikamaru said. "But we can help you get your revenge against the people who deserve to pay."
"N-no... it'll go wrong, you're wrong." Sasuke shook his head. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. They wanted to help him get his revenge? What for? Why?
"We're not. With the three of us, we should be able to figure this out, Sasuke." Neji said and then cradled Sasuke's cheek in the palm of his hand, smiling. "You deserve to be happy and we're selfish enough to want you to be happy with us. So we're going to do everything we can to ensure that."
"Why?" Sasuke whispered, his voice raw and hoarse from all the emotions that coursed through him. "You'll be killing people for me, why would you do that?"
Neji leaned in and hugged Sasuke close, burying his face into the crook of Sasuke's neck and pulling him into the embrace, palms firm against Sasuke's back. "Because we love you."
Sasuke's eyes widened, the tears he'd tried holding back now falling from his eyes and sliding down his cheeks and at the tender, caring embrace. A gasp passed his lips when Shikamaru held him close as well and as silent sobs passed his lips he fell into their embrace, their love. "You..."
"We love you." Shikamaru murmured, pressing a kiss against Sasuke's cheek.
"I... I love you too." Sasuke cried and closed his eyes.
That night, Sasuke slept peacefully with Neji pressed firmly against his back and Shikamaru cuddled against his chest.
He slept without nightmares, without dreams. There were hurdles to pass, people to kill and he was still frightened of how everything would turn out. A lot of talking needed to be done.
But Neji and Shikamaru had been right. They would support him, through everything. And with that they had truly meant everything. It was a turn of events he had never expected and now that it had happened he wasn't sure if he'd ever felt as happy as he did now.
The next morning, Sasuke didn't wake up in a different world. He didn't have a different past and his memories still haunted him like they always did.
But he now had a different future. A better future, that wasn't as lonely as he feared it would be. Because when a chance to better himself had come, he had taken it, making him a better person than he'd been the night before.
The End