How should I die?
Jump in front of a car, leap from a building, tie a noose from the ceiling fan?
No, that doesn't seem fitting. I should die just like everyone else has. Maybe I'll drench myself in gasoline and set myself aflame just like Mom. Or maybe I'll die from a well-aimed bullet like Dad. Maybe just beg to go to hell, let my flesh rot and burn with Sam's.
I'm doing this for Cas though. Maybe I should just walk into that lake and never come up for air. How perfect would that be, our corpses piled on top of each other's while fish nibble at our bones.
What if I don't go to heaven and I never see Cas? At least then our bodies will stay together, one big pile of decaying flesh with hollow eyes and hollow hearts.
But no. I can't do that either. Having to see Cas' mangled, lifeless form would kill me before the oxygen left.
I better make this quick. Cas is waiting for me. (Or is he?)
A knife might work. Why not spill my blood as if to summon a demon? Why not slice through my skin just to see all the chords pulsing and red? Maybe I'll carve up my chest just to make sure my heart stops beating. If it's still even there.
That would be too depressing.
It's much too lonely here on Earth. I thought I had a mother, but that didn't last long. I thought I had a father, but then fate would be too kind. I thought I Sam, but Lucifer just wouldn't let that one go. And I really thought I had Cas. Angels can't die. Cas wouldn't die.
Except he did.
Of course he would have to die before I realized how much I loved him. How much I needed him.
God, how my heart aches. I miss him so much. I felt protected when he was around, like one of his wings was always cocooning me closer. He was the only one that could look into my black soul and understand everything, even expect it. I always felt safe and at peace. Nothing could weigh me down when I stared into his eyes.
His eyes. How long has it been since I've seen them? It feels like eternity.
Castiel, if you're reading my mind right now and are hearing all this, then I just want to say…
I love you.
I'll be seeing you soon.
BANG!