Prologue: Reflection
It was god awful, having to be that person that closes the door on something that could lead me to happiness. However…my heart just couldn't do it. No matter how much I tried to push past myself my mind always brought me down in a trap of doubt and paranoia. Being in a relationship was hard for me, ever since I could remember. Expectation after expectation was never something that I could keep up with, especially when I couldn't put my mind at rest for what my partner thought of me.
It wasn't that I was unattractive or unappealing to any gender, I had high confidence in my appearance. It…it was that I can't accept myself, that I turn others away. I cannot remember, how many times I have turned someone away, because of this paranoia. This fear, of being unaccepted for who I am. Now I admit. I am an awfully flirtatious person. Men and women, I am a dangerous person to both.
It's awful of me right? Flirting with people only to turn them down because I destroy my confidence in the person pursuing me with my mind. I am terrible, at relationships, at feelings, at everything involving two people. Intimacy was something that I craved, that I wanted more than anything, and God I'd kill for it gladly.
It was hard, living on both sides of the fence. Through my life, it was like leaning too far to one side and then falling the opposite way, only to face the same unbalance. This process was so, damn, frustrating, and I honestly cannot find any method to just pick one side and settle there. I laugh at myself, because there have been many moments when I tell myself, 'Yes, this is the day where this wall goes down, be it flames, pieces, or dust' and it never happens. It was like procrastinating, but there is strangely no guilt. No guilt about the people I turned away, about trying so hard, about being a jerk. Yeah, it was hard. Where I am leading my life will keep me alone, unless I change, for someone better than myself.
I heard the familiar scream of my alarm clock, that menacing red flashing into my retinas sharply. I jolted as I nearly scared myself into a stroke, but with some determination, I calmed down and turned that god awful sound off and resumed listening to tranquility. After settling back against my pillows, my heart pounding hard in my chest, I really listened to the veil of noiselessness that followed. Has your surroundings ever been so silent that it was like the silence was screaming at you? A high-pitched whine that drilled into your ears, but you know that there was never a sound in the first place. That's what I hear right now, besides the hammering of my heart. In a sense, it was terrifying.
I closed my eyes for only a moment, thinking about all of those people again, men and woman alike that really wanted to try a relationship with me. As I reflect, most seemed willing to pull through difficult moments with me to really fall in love. I sighed heavily, the time gnawing at my mind slowly. After a slow moment of quiescence, I rose from the warmth of my mattress, scavenging some ambition to get ready for the day. I felt heavy, either from sleep or because of my mind as I progressed to my bathroom, preparing myself to have a refreshing shower. Love's supposed to be great they say, it's like being on a thrilling roller-coaster they promise. With this heart of mine, I only feel the heavy burden of rejection, and of loneliness.