Somewhere I Belong
I am alive and I exist, nothing more, nothing less. I breathe and I take up space. I don't know much but what I do know is that I am Eren Jaeger, And I am alive and I exist, Nothing more, nothing less, I've been trapped here since I was eleven years old so about seven years now, seven years inside this wall that will never let me free. I'm stuck, dammed even in this place. They told me on my first day here that I'd get out soon. They told me so much that it was soon hammered into my head and became my mantra. That I'd go home to my family, to Mom, to Mikasa-my sister- That maybe they'd get me out of here. But they lied. I'm never getting out. This place will never help me get better like they promised. This place doesn't help us get better, it keeps us away from the so-called 'Normal people.' And from the outside world. On my second year here, I had the dreams or as Hanji called them, Memories.
I Killed them. I killed them while Mikasa watched me do it. It finally got something to me; That's why I'm here. I'm a cold murderer.
Killed my own family in front of my very own sister. When I close my eyes I can still see her face, filled with terror and fear, her screams of agony snapping me from a trance. I'll never forget the way when I had saw what I had done, the way she hid in the corner shivering and tears streaming down her cheeks. Or when I looked down to see them at my feet and screamed out, "It was an accident!" and cried until they took me away with my sister still crying and clinging onto the red scarf I had given her. And here I am. Here I am in this place for the unstable and mentally insane. Here I am in this room, alone and could hear the annoying chatter coming from the cafeteria.
There was a knock on my door and in came one of the nurses. It was Petra. Her short strawberry blonde hair put up in a small ponytail. "Eren, It's time for breakfast. You need to eat." She urged me, giving me one of the most kind, warm and gentle smiles she could muster. In truth, I wasn't hungry at all. But I knew I needed to get something or else they would think I had another eating disorder.
I Wouldn't have to eat it just get it and poke at it or something. I sighed heavily as I got up from my resting spot on my bed in the corner from leaning on the wall. Petra smiled as she led me out.
"How are you Eren?" She asked trying to spike up a friendly conversation. I stayed silent and just kept walking. Noticing she wouldn't get anything out of me, she stopped talking and the rest of the walk to the cafeteria was silent save for the loud cafeteria chatter and voices. We got to the doors and she pushed them open for me and before she left she told me "Have a nice day Eren. But remember, you have group time today with Hanji and the others instead of private therapy with Hanji." I nodded. That's right, today was Thursday. Every Thursday, Monday and Saturday were 'Group Sharing Circle' as Hanji called it.
I walked into the Cafeteria and got some…oatmeal? I don't know. But it looked like it was something they fished out of the sewer. For a while I just poke around at my food and whenever someone walked by, occasionally pretend to be eating so they wouldn't get suspicious of me not eating anything. Soon breakfast was over after about an hour but seemed forever. Now it was time for Group Sharing.
The sea of people at the door were all pushing and shoving each other like they had to be somewhere important to be. They didn't. When everyone left is when I stood up and left the room going fashionably slow as I reached the doors to piss off the guard. I walked a few doors down from the Cafeteria and to the group activity room. Opening the door, I saw that everyone was already in a circle as always I was last to get here. But I didn't care. Not one bit. "Ah. Eren my dear! You're just in time! Please, have a sit, I saved you a spot!" Hanji exclaimed overexcitedly, patting the chair next to her bouncing in her spot. What was she on? That's some good drugs apparently. I thought to myself. As soon as I sat down everyone's side conversations stopped. It was as if I were some kind of monster to them. I Guess I am though, I mean, what eleven year old kills his family in front of his sister? That's Right, me.
Hanji must have sensed some discomfort of something and piped up once again. "Alright kiddies! Today we're going to share what we want to do when we all get out." Some of the newbies like Jean or Sasha got excited at the idea that they'd be leaving I inwardly laughed at their stupidity. No one ever gets out of here. Not even some of the ones who have improved. No one.
"Alright Jean! Would you like to start us off today?" Hanji broke my thoughts. Jean nodded and began saying what he'd do when he got out. As the circle went around, many stated that they wanted to have a family or get a good paying job and have a better life. Sure enough, it got to me. I said what is the truth and always will be the truth, "I'm never getting out of here." Earning a frown from Hanji and a few scowls from the circle. I just shrugged. It's not like I was lying. I told them what will happen and that's that.
"Okay!" Hanji said once more, "Lets go around the circle and share our likes and dislikes. Jean, starting from you!" The answers were very similar in a way. They were about disliking food or certain people in their life. As for likes, it wasn't very different either. They liked animals, Outdoors or family. Of course it soon got around to being my turn. "I dislike everything. And I like nothing." I stated bluntly. Everyone got irritated with my words. 'Oh friggin' well' I thought and began playing with the hem of my shirt like it was the most interesting thing in the world at that moment. Not paying attention to anyone or anything at all.
In a few minutes, Hanji dismissed everyone. I was just about to get up after everyone left but was stopped by her. "Eren, dear please meet me in my office. I'll inform them just go to my office and I'll meet you there okay?" I nodded and without complaint went to her office as told to as she went to notify the people that I wouldn't be there for a while. Walking to her laboratory-Office I mean, I passed a few doors that held different things such as cleaning supplies to medical things and such.
I was so lost in my own little world that I didn't even notice when I had stopped in front of Hanji's door. Opening the door, I caught the scent of 'Majestic Waters' As Hanji called her air freshener when it was really 'Rapid Winds' Who in the hell comes up with this stuff? Anyways, I made my way over to the plush leather chairs and took a seat on one. Looking around, you could see all the sciency things she kept. Jars of organs and anatomy, A skeleton she named 'Sir Sinklebien Schnitzel The Third.' I have no damn idea why. But getting over all of that Hanji had many degrees and awards on display covering the forest green walls.
Her desk was cluttered with papers and shit. The light shining in from the window illuminated the entire room with what some would call a pleasant glow. I would call it unnecessary and useless. To tell the truth, this place was pretty damn nice. Too nice to be in this place.
The door slammed open and in came an overenthusiastic Hanji. "Hellooooo Eren! How've ya been? Good? That's great! Ah. Looks like you already made yourself comfortable in that sitting chair." I shrugged hoping she would just get to the point already. "C'mon, say something." She urged. "Something." I stated then smirked cheekily for a slight second. Her face seemed to light up like a Christmas tree on fire, "There's the spirit! Now, I've called you in here to discuss something with you." She suddenly got serious. Always took her job seriously no matter how messed up she could be. "You're getting a new roommate tomorrow! And, I want you to make friends with him. Can you do that?" Hanji already knew the answer so I don't see why she would even bother trying. I just shrugged as I always did. Not the first time I'll be getting a new roommate. I've had over forty roommates since I've been here. Every single one of them requesting to switch rooms or get a vacant one to get away from me. I couldn't blame them, If I were to be locked in a room with me, I'd want to leave too.
I got up as she started to say goodbye to me and walked out of the door and to my room where a guard was standing; waiting for me to hurry my ass up probably. He stepped aside and let me into my vacant room without even so much saying anything and I was grateful for that.
I laid down on my empty bed and sighed, pressing myself up against the wall and closing my eyes. I just want to feel. All I can feel is pain. Not regret, not happiness or love. Just pain.
Opening my eyes, I felt the need for more pain so I reached into the back of my bedside table drawer, my hands searching for that small smooth piece. My fingers were met with sleek and smoothness. A thin metal shard was soon in my grasp. Rolling up my sleeves, I noticed some of the other horrifying and gruesome marred arms. Disgusting, Ugly, Terrible, Nasty, Pathetic. All these words swam in my thoughts. I can barely remember how I even got this shard of metal in my possession all I can remember about it was that one of the nurses were sweeping in the hallways and did a very shitty job at it.
I pressed the cool metal to my flesh and in one swift movement, made the first red line. Beautiful, I thought. I started making more until I was on my fourth or fifth and a knock sounded on the door.
"Eren, It's dinner. You need to eat today." Petras soft voice was heard through the door. Dinner already? Tch. They forgot to get me for lunch again. Lazy bastards. I changed my shirt after making the bleeding stop, it took a few minutes but I eventually knocked on the door from my side to notify her I was ready to go.
"How're you Eren? I didn't see you at lunch." The honey eyed nurse asked me.
I of course shrugged giving a small grunt to let her know I heard her.
She stayed quiet for the most part except for her humming some song I didn't know nor cared to know in particular. We got to the cafeterias double doors and Petra pushed them open and led me in giving me a small "Goodbye Eren."
They were serving some kind of salad and chicken drenched in some fattening gravy. 'Gross.' I thought as I made my way to the table in the farthest corner of the room only to find someone already sitting there. 'Great' I inwardly groaned. 'Another newbie.' Newbies were always the worst, thinking they had some kind of chance to get out even though they never will. I sighed and walked over to the table and took the other chair to sit in.
Getting a good look at the guy, he had dark raven black hair with some kind of undercut and was parted only slightly on the right side. His bangs were brushing delicately on his abnormally pale cheeks. The ravens jawline and nose were sharp but not pointy sharp to where it look weird. His lips were lightly colored in a dusty baby pink with a dash of red. And his eyes…. Well, I couldn't see his eyes but I did notice that he had a few ear piercings. Of course granted they weren't in his ear because the Ward doesn't allow any body jewelry I could only see the small holes in the cartilage. There were six on the right side and as for his left, I didn't know.
He started to look up and that's when I looked away and down at my plate and poked it uninterestedly, just poking it. Apparently he looked at me too because I could feel his eyes burning holes into me. Inwardly, I was debating whether or not to look up and exchange eye-contact.
Eventually, I complied and lifted my head a bit to see through my brown locks that were in my eyes. After a moment, I took a deep breath and looked up fully.
My breath was caught somewhere in between my lungs and throat. His eyes were amazing. That steely, silver blue looking into my soul and reading me like a book. It was as if he could tell me my entire life story by just one look into those eyes. But more importantly, He was beautiful not just his eyes but him.
After a minute of gawking, the strange raven spoke in a smooth, velvety voice that held coldness and bitterness, "Oi, brat would you quit fucking staring at me? It's fucking creepy as shit." Well, I wasn't expecting that. But I just kept silent.
"Hey kid, When someone's talking to you, you answer them." He sounded annoyed now.
"Sorry." I muttered and he 'Tch'ed.'
I had literally experienced the most awkward twenty last minutes of dinner I had ever had. It was probably the only awkward moment I'd ever had.
He had been sitting there watching me like a homeless man would eye their first sandwich in weeks. To say the least, he eyed me down for twenty minutes straight and it was uncomfortable as hell. I was relieved when he got up and left for wherever it was he was going. Probably his new room. Yet again, after everyone had left, I finally made my way up to the doors and exited the cafeteria and to my room.
To my great surprise, I didn't find a guard outside my room but my rooms light was on and I could hear a great deal of shuffling around curses echoing off of the walls and out the crack underneath the door. 'Oh great, Either they've just started room inspections or that's my new roommate.' I remembered what Hanji had said. But wait, Didn't Hanji say that I'd be getting my roommate tomorrow? Ugh, fan-fucking-tastic. I sighed,-I seem to be doing that a lot lately- and opened the door seeing the light on which was rare because I rarely ever turned it on so the bulb was brighter than hell itself. I instantly recognized that head, that was the guy from dinner not even ten minutes ago.
He appeared to be putting his stuff in his respectable drawers in color coordination and neatly folding things.
I didn't even make a sound as I walked soundlessly to my bed and climbed into the corner bringing my knees up to my chest self-consciously. Apparently, He was done because he stopped and turned around, making eye-contact with me once again.
"So brat, you're my roommate? Tch. Fucking great. Having to spend time in a room with a disrespectful brat." He said eyeing me.
I muttered in return, "Yeah I guess so."
"Hey shitty brat, what's your name?" He asked while turning off the lights. "Eren." I replied softly not really used to talking a lot. I'm one of the people who only say when things need saying but usually things just don't. But today, I was feeling brave. "What's yours?"
It felt like forever before he answered. So, I started just doing my usual stare at the wall into the dark nothingness. I guess he didn't want to answer which is understandable. I started thinking about nothings just the small thread coming off of my long sleeved shirt or the fact that my sweatpants were getting too big because I've lost a bit of weight and they now practically fall off my hips because the drawstrings had to be taken out due to the no strings rule.
"Levi." Well, that made me jump a bit. "What?" I asked dumbly. "My name. You asked for my name and I told you, Levi."
Oh. "Okay." I mumbled. He was sitting up in his bed across the room from me. "You aren't going to sleep?" I wondered.
Levi shook his head, "No. Why aren't you?" He asked.
I shrugged my shoulders. "I will eventually." I lied. I wouldn't go to sleep. I'm scared to go to sleep to tell the truth. I'm scared every time I close my eyes. All I see is Mikasa, Mom and Dad. And when I killed them.
Soon, before I knew it I was drifting into a blackness of abyss they call sleep. The last thing I remember hearing before fully drifting off was "Night brat." From who I could only guess to be Levi.