Note: I was watching season three of Quantico and besides that fact that there are not enough stories about this show, I felt like this part of Alex's story line needed a little bit more exploring. I just feel like her emotions needed to be discussed somewhere, and what better place to do it then here.
The timer ran out faster than she wished the seconds would tick by. Whatever happened when the timer ran out would change her life in some way, even if she didn't know what it was. Flipping over the piece of plastic she saw the change staring back at her. The two crossing lines told her what she had been thinking about ever since having to face that reality on the train. The stick read pregnant but in her mind, she thought burdened. She had spent the last week praying that she wasn't pregnant, and the last three minutes hoping that it was anything else, and now she was questioning how to move forward.
She put the test in the back of her nightstand, just like how she was trying to push it to the back of her mind. She couldn't talk to either of the two people she wanted to: Andrea and her mom. Because after everything she had but him and Isabella through it was only fair that she accepts it herself before going back to the life she left behind yet again. Her mom was out of the question because after the past few years of her trying her hardest to push her mom away, it wasn't fair to come crawling back asking for help.
The mission was going as planned, which seemed like the only thing that was going as right in Alex Parish's life at the moment. The idea of having a kid scared her more than when she was standing with a gun to her head. Something also changed in Shelby when Alex told her best friend about the positive pregnancy test. It was as if Shelby was the only post Alex was leaning on when all the other ones slipped out from under her. Shelby was her lifeline from that life-altering morning and every day since.
The mission was going as planned until it wasn't and the table was turned against the elite FBI team. It wasn't until she was surrounded by three dangerous things that Alex realized she needed her team more than she thought. In front of her was the man they had been chasing: Garrett King. Behind her was the man she had spent the better part of three weeks befriending all to get a meeting with King. And to the side was a pool, not that Alex Parrish couldn't swim, but she would have nowhere to swim to.
Things went south and King had her head under the water, pushing her farther in and closer to death. There weren't many thoughts that ran through her head in those moments. She couldn't fight because she could barely breathe. She couldn't escape because of the man holding her head under the water. The images that raced passed her mind weren't of happy thoughts or dying wishes, they were of her teammates who were closer than family. She thought of her real family with Andrea and the family that she had left behind. She thought of everything and everyone she was about to lose.
And then it was over. The air was gone from her lungs and her body was just a dead weight against the water in the pool. Some people say that hearing is the last part of you to go when you die. It wasn't her hearing though that stuck with her, it was her understanding of everything she would be letting go of. The life should have had if she had stayed in Italy, but also the life she could have if she lived past these moments.
Alex coughed and sputtered, feeling like she was drowning all over again in the split second it took her team to turn her on her side for her cough up all the water she had swallowed. Now that she was breathing Harry and Owen left her in the trusted hands of her best friend in order to try and put an end to the man that had caused everyone this pain. She closed her eyes knowing she was safe and waited until the next blow to her world came. She felt Shelby hugging her, whether it was a reminder to Alex that she was safe, or a grounding for Shelby that her friend was alive. They stayed like that until Alex was being loaded into the back of an ambulance and being whisked off to people that would save her yet again.
Between the rocks of the ambulance and the sheer amount of commotion that was happening in the tiny car, something in Alex was triggered. She started panicking over the thought of losing something that had suddenly changed her world. Grabbing onto Shelby's hand, Alex knew that she had gotten the message. She couldn't hear what Shelby said exactly or what the paramedics said because all she could hear was her own sobs as her body shook with tears of pain and loss.
She knew it was over, there wasn't a click in her mind or anything. Alex could only feel her world was slipping farther and farther out of reach, and the thing that had unknowingly been tying her down was gone because of her job. She hadn't wanted this baby for so long, and now laying there all she wanted was to be pregnant again. That baby had scared her more than anything else, but knowing that the loss of that baby was her fault hurt more than any other pain she had ever felt.
All she wanted was to go back to when the pillars were standing upright and her world was solid ground, compared to now when all she had had was stripped away and all that was left were little rocks of her world left under her feet. There wasn't anything she wanted to do more than cry at that moment, so that's what Special Agent Alex Parrish did. She cried for everything she had given up.
When she was released from the hospital and safe and sound in her apartment she sat on the couch not knowing what to do or how to move forward. She just stared at the wall across from her, occasionally rubbing the teal blanket covering her legs. Shelby was there, but there was only so much she could do to comfort her friend. The knock at the door didn't even register in Alex's mind, nothing really did, it was just as blank as before. All she felt was pain. She heard Ryan on the other side of the door and hoped that he would just leave her alone. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Shelby put a bag of food down on the table. Eating was the last thing she felt like doing that night.
It wasn't until Shelby was sitting right next to her, giving her full attention to her best friend that Alex let herself give in to the pain. She felt the tears tracing hot paths down her cheeks as she cried about everything that had happened over the last few weeks. In between sobs, she told her friend how all this time she hoped she wasn't pregnant, but now that the baby was gone, she wanted to do anything to get it back. She hadn't want to be a mother at that point in her life, but she already had been and she just didn't know it. She had been a sort of mom to Isabella, who she had cared for and protected with every ounce of her being.
Now that it was gone she wanted it back, was that wrong of her? Was is a cruel twist of fate that now that she wasn't pregnant she wanted more than anything to be pregnant again? All Alexandra Parrish wanted was to feel something again, to feel anything. Shelby held her as she cried the pain of the past few days away. Part of her knew that she wouldn't feel numb forever, but the other part of her knew that it could be a long time until the pain truly subsided and the fog cleared. For now, she would just cling to her best friend as her life support while she cried the tears for her lost unborn child and the tears that her baby would never be able to cry.
After the fallout from her undercover mission with First Pledge, Special Agent Alex Parrish took some time off from work, understandably. She didn't do anything spectacular on her time off. She spent the week absentmindedly watching sitcoms on Netflix and eating whatever food was left in the fridge or whatever Shelby would cook and bring over at night. She didn't want to be babysat by her friends, but she also wasn't ready to come back yet. The team had been understanding and offered any support that they could. Alex was bored by the end of the week, but she also didn't want to be chasing the bad guys just yet because in that moment she felt like anything but a hero. She blamed herself entirely for the miscarriage, she thought that if only she had been a little more careful than none of this would have happened. Deep down she knew that it wasn't all her fault, King was the one that drowned her, but she was the one that knowingly and willingly put herself in harm's way. All of this added up to make her feel even more guilty knowing that she was the one that was supposed to be protecting her baby and being responsible.
Everyone said it wasn't her fault and that the guilt would pass, slowly but surely she would come back. Her team was there to support her every step of the way even if it meant just sitting with her in silence in the loft or making sure she felt stable enough to participate in missions. After she was finally back with the team for about a week Alex had had enough. Her team was constantly walking on eggshells around her, always asking if she was okay. The answer was always, "yes, I'm fine" but inside she was dying to scream that she wasn't okay and it felt like her world was still crumbling even though she was doing her best to put it back together.
Everyone was asking her if she wanted to take a breather and all she could do was smile and nod because heroes don't show their pain. Alex couldn't show her pain, but underneath the falseness, she knew that everyone could see the truth and they were just trying to look out for her.
When Devlin came after her family she knew it was only a matter of time until one of her most guarded secrets came out. When she went to get her mom anyone could see the tension between them a mile away. Her mom was mad that Alex hadn't called her in almost four years. Alex was mad that her mom hadn't been there when she needed her the most. There was blame and fault from both Parrish Women, but underneath it all, they still loved and cared for each other.
Later, when her mom was yelling at her for still being the fearless girl she was as a little kid, the pain that had been locked away bubbled to the surface. Even though she could tell that Sita was mad, there was nothing Alex wanted more at that moment than to be hugged by her mom. Her mom didn't know though, didn't know that she had almost been a grandmother, didn't know that her daughter was in pain, didn't know that her daughter needed her more than anything. When Sita said Alex had no idea what it was like to have a child and then lose that child something clicked in her. The mask that she had been hiding behind melted when she was able to say it out loud. Before this moment she had only said it once or twice, afraid of the guilt that followed. But standing there, across from the woman who gave everything to raise her, she felt safe. "I do. I do", those four small words made her crumble. Her mom waited with questions as Alex came to terms with what she had finally admitted. Alex fell into her mom's waiting arms. Longing to feel safe and protected again, everything she could not give or be for her lost baby. Alex clung to her mom like a lifeline, silently begging Sita to be there while her daughter was in pain.
Alex knew that she had messed up, she hadn't talked to or seen her mom in years, but that didn't mean that she didn't need her mom anymore. If anything, Alex needed her mom more than ever to help her move past the pain. Her mom was a true hero, her hero, and while Alex didn't feel like much of a hero at that moment, she knew that her mom would help her put the pieces back together.
Alex moved on slowly just like her friends said she would. It wasn't until after they had caught and killed Connor Devlin that she felt like she had truly gotten past it all. Sitting next to Bella on the bench in Ireland, she saw more than a girl whose dad was murdered right in front of her. She saw more than a girl who she had cared for and loved when she was running from her old life in Italy. FBI Special Agent Alex Parrish saw a girl who needed a mom and saw herself as a woman who was willing to give it all up to protect this little girl. Isabella was how she moved past the pain. Alex didn't need something or someone to fill the empty hole in her heart, she needed someone to remind her why she had a heart. She needed someone who could teach her how to love and not run away from it when things got tough.
Just like her mom had promised her, they had dinner on a Friday night. Except it wasn't just Alex and Sita in that room. There were two unbelievably strong and fearless women and a little girl who was learning how to be that hero, all sitting a room. All three had something to teach about loving those who are there for you. Alex was reminded every day of why there was love in the world when she would look over at Isabella, and when she would talk to her mom. Both of whom had helped Alex piece back the fragments of her life. It wasn't hard for Alex to see that her last bad decision didn't have to define her, she could rebuild.