This is mostly AU, takes place just after their seventh year at Hogwarts. This is a tale with lots of foul language and sexual inuindo. I mock both the movies and the books in this story. I have the sense of humor of a fourteen year old boy, if really bad language and a lot of sex talk offend you, please don't read this story. I also am NO Emo expert, so forgive me. My knowledge of Emo is limited to a few things I've read on wikipedia.
I'll try to update every week, probably more.
Disclaimer: These characters belong to JK Rowling, not me at all!Chapter One, The Boy Who Whined
Harry Potter is the hero of the wizarding world. True, with a lot of help from his friends (and Dumbledore and most importantly Severus Snape), he did bring down that tyrant, that asexual nose-less wonder, Voldemort. It had to be this way since the prophecy clearly stated that he, Harry Potter, would be the one in the end to defeat Voldemort. Yes he, simple little tiny Potter, would kill Voldemort and make him moldy...Moldy Voldy as he would become.
But why? Why him? An orphan, a sub-standard wizard with minimal ability, above average brawn, the sense of a common Billy-goat and some moderately good looks. Why him of all people? Why not Dumbledore. He was one hundred and fifeteen yrs old; he'd defeated his own Dark Wizard in his day. He knew spells and counter spells, he could read minds and block other mind readers. He had style! He was six feet of pure Liberaceness with a beard three feet long, nails three inches long and a wand 8 inches long. His magic wand was even longer! He was brave, he was sweet, he was brilliant and he was a superior wizard. Why was it not him who defeated Moldy Voldy?
Why not Hermione? She was a few months older than Harry, but an exceptionally gifted witch. She was also brave, quick-thinking, rational and could block mind readers as well. Even at such a young age she had powers most full grown witches and even wizards envied. Why was it not she who defeated Moldy Voldy?
Or even Ron...the bumbling comic relief. He was tall, he was also brave and as sub-standard a wizard as Harry ever was. He was thick though, thicker than anyone in their grade...but he had LUCK! Great luck, it was he after all who through good luck and a broken wand saved himself against that other Liberace-adorning Witch-Weekly Magazine cover boy Gilderoy Lockhart. His chess prowess and utterly stupid bravery saved Harry and Hermione their first year at Hogwarts. Even he was better equipped to make Voldy moldy, but he in fact, did not.
Why not Severus Snape? He was the one after all who started this whole mess, why not let it be he who ended it? He was the bravest man alive; he was a triple agent, a mind-reader with incredible wizarding strength. He could lie as easily as he breathed and people would believe every word of his repartee. He knew the dark arts as much or more than any dark wizard. He mastered spells and counter spells, he could heal, he could fly, he could brew potions to do almost anything and he could block his mind from being read by others better than anyone in the wizarding world. He also had guilt. It was he that caused the death of his one and only true love, Lily, the mother of Harry Potter. As a spy for Moldy Voldy he passed information unknowingly to Voldy that resulted in her and her husband's murder. This is why he switched sides. He was no longer content to be one of Voldy's loyal followers, a mere Death Eater. He wanted to try to make up for it and joined the side of good. He was a great spy and utterly powerful. He was possibly the most powerful wizard in the world. Yet he did not kill Voldy and make him Moldy either. Though he did help.
In fact, without the help of Hermione, Ron, Dumbly and Snape, Harry would never have succeeded. The prophecy NEVER stated that Harry would require so much help to defeat Voldy, but it must be said that without their aid, he'd be dead. He was after all little more than a whiney Emo fuck. Granted Snape was the father of all Emos, but he was never as whiney as Harry Potter. Sure, they probably both 'cut to feel' but Harry was more of an Emo-poseur than a true Emo himself. This, above all other things, irritated Snape to no end.
Dumbledore, a hippie, never understood the whole Emo thing that Snape and eventually Harry seemed to live by. Dumbly was as free as a bird. He had a real passion for life, but he never sweated the small stuff. In fact, he never sweated at all. Sweat and his silken often pink robes, hand crafted by the same wizard who made robes for another well known wizard, Liberace, did not mix. Dumbledore never sweat. He was as cool as a cucumber and saw no reason to lose his temper. He never bottled his anxieties up either. He saw no need. He laughed off most of life's problems, which is probably how he was able to live so long despite eating nothing but sweets for the last seventy five years. His motto was always, "Peace and Love". One of his favorite wizards was John Lennon. So many muggles loved the Beatles and had no clue that Lennon was a wizard. A Hufflepuff of course. "Instant Karma" was one of Dumbly's favorite hippie tunes. Unlike Snape who was a Trent Reznor look a like, and Harry who seemed to admire Amy Lee from Evanescence, Dumbly enjoyed folk music and some good old fashioned Joan Baez.
Dumbledore also enjoyed his retreats to the "Wizard Nudist Colony" on the Orkneys once a year. True, it was a tad bit chilly up there, even in July. But he had nothing to be ashamed of. He was once after all THE world's most powerful wizard. He killed his boyfriend, who turned out to be a "dark wizard". Now let's face it, Grindelwald was begging to be killed. You can't just go around performing dark magic and get away with it. He also cheated on our hero Dumbledore and you know what they say about a wizard scorned. This was one of the few times when Dumbly had to act, and could not just form a drum-circle and have a sit-in. He had to defeat him. And he did.
This man, Albus Dumbledore, was a great wizard, and he had nothing to hide, even in 4 degree Celsius temperatures. Why, if it not for his fondness of pink and lavender silken robes and his going commando beneath them, he'd be content to go nude all day long. So admired and well thought of was he, had he decided it morally agreeable to conduct daily activities in the nude, there is no doubt that the Ministry of Magic would deem it so for all the wizarding community. Snape on the other hand, would vomit from such an act.
Snape was Emo. He created the movement. Harry on the other hand, was an Emo-fuck. Worse even, he seemed to be a bit of a poseur Emo-fuck. He didn't identify with the deep and serious issues concerning Emo's of the time. He instead enjoyed the whiney music, the cutting and the crying. Emos founder, the world's greatest wizard Severus Snape did not cry...anymore. Since forming the entire Emo-movement he decided that self pity and hatred, mixed with odd, long and greasy hair styles spoke volumes and tears were not needed all the time. One could quietly suffer and ultimately commit suicide and not cry about it in public. Crying in public was for babies. Severus Snape was no baby. He was a very brave man. Emo's were alone, misunderstood and full of self doubt, but not so full of tears that they were considered cry babies. Harry was a crying, whining, Emo-fuck poseur, and Severus Snape could not tolerate that kind of behavior. Especially coming from him, son of that other whiney Emo-fuck James. How dare Harry take Severus's movement and turn it into some 'woe is me, lets all cry about my mummy and daddy being dead' shit! The thing was, while teens and young adults the wizarding and muggle world over were actively enrolling in the "Emo-movement" due to Severus Snape, some whiney bastard like Harry Potter could easily ruin it for them all. How on earth did he get sorted into Gryffindor? Okay, he was brave, but because he had no choice. Snape had a choice, Dumbly had a choice, they chose to help bring down Voldy. Harry was born into a prophecy that stated he WOULD bring down Voldy. For all he knew, bringing down Voldy could have meant tripping him after Dumbly and Snape kicked his nose-less ass, causing him to hit his head and die. Not much bravery involved there.
But now it was all over. Voldy was Moldy. The wizarding world was once again at peace, at least for the time being. The "Trio" as they'd been labeled finally left Hogwarts School of Wizardry and Witchcraft. They'd completed their training and on the last day of their seventh and final year at Hogwarts, they valiantly fought and defeated Voldemort. Ron wanted to piss on his corpse and Harry was all too happy to follow, but Hermione, Dumbly and Snape thought it would be in bad taste.
"How about I drop trou and shite all over his bloody nose-less corpse instead?" Harry 1asked. Snape rolled his eyes, Hermione turned red and Dumbledore, never one to waste precious air, just shook his head 'No'.
"NO? I'm Harry Potter! The defeater of Voldemort who was the murderer of my parents and I killed him! Granted, I didn't do it with a killing curse, instead I beat his nearly dead body with my Firebolt until his skull cracked and some brain leaked out, but he's dead none the less because of me!..." he paused and saw the disgust on everyone's faces but Ron's. Ron just looked puzzled. It took him a few minutes to catch up.
"And if I want to lop my ass over his nasty, rotting, moldy corpse and release a huge shite onto it, then I'll damn well do it, because I'm Harry Potter!" he yelled. And he would have done it too.
"Except, I already went this morning and I've not eaten today so there's really no shite to come out onto his moldy corpse, so never mind!" Harry exclaimed before storming off. He was heading to his home, 12 Grimmauld Place to order his house-elf Kreacher to make him a post-battle feast. The Trio and the honourable and powerful grown wizards Dumbly and Snape just stood there and watched him strut off into the sunset. They were just about to return to their own homes when they heard Harry grumble, "I'd be flying home if my overpriced Firebolt was not sticking out of that nose-less wonder's head!"
"The Aurors will need it for their investigation, Harry," Dumbledore offered, trying to soothe Harry's delicate soul.
"The Aurors can bugger off whilst I WALK HOME!" Harry managed, while walking over the piles of dead.
"Why don't you simply Apparate, you mindless buffoon!" Snape interjected.
Harry stopped, standing on a dead Death Eater, he turned and glared at Severus Snape. His green eyes squinting with hate.
"Why don't you leave me the fuck alone Snivillous! You are not my Professor or my body guard anymore!"
"Actually Harry, there you are wrong. Sev-SEVERUS may not be your Professor anymore, but he still remains your body guard," Dumbledore interrupted.
Both Harry and Severus Snape stared into Dumbly's soft blue eyes at this news.
"What do you mean Albus? I've spent nearly twenty years helping and aiding and protecting this so called 'Boy Who Lived' so he could defeat the Dark Lord. Well he did, my job is done," Severus said in a tone much louder than his normal one.
"This may be true Severus but Harry still needs you. I still need you; your work is not done. There will be many out there who will wish him harm still…"
"Other than me?" Severus interrupted.
"Yes, Severus, other than you. A joke! How pleasant! But yes, we still need your help, please go with him and see him home. You two have a lot to talk about after all."
Severus Snape stood still in his spot only inches from the fallen Voldy. He was for the first time in 18 years in utter and total shock. He could not believe the words he was hearing. After all his sacrifice, his "SELFLESS" acts, his bravery, his lying and spying, his sleepless nights, he was still an indentured servant to this eccentric old man?
"Severus, please, don't fail me now," Dumbly said with a little boy innocent smile.
"Very well, next thing I know you'll be ordering me to kill you, one of these days Albus, I WILL disobey one of your orders."
"Very well my dear Severus, but not today. Now go please with Harry, then you can return to Hogwarts and commence with your sulking," Dumbly said with a wicked smile. Albus knew he was the only person on this planet who could control Severus Snape like a puppet. He loved having such power over such a powerful wizard like Severus. He did know that Severus was not one to mince words, he meant what he said, and he would defy him someday, but not that day.
No, on that day Severus was ever obedient to his real Master, Dumbledore. He followed ten paces behind Harry Potter, who did indeed strut over the pile of death and then apparated to his home.
Once there his mood was no more the cheerier. He was upset that Snape had been sent to "baby sit" him and he let Severus know it. Severus was probably angrier than Harry. He hated baby sitting, he hated babies, he hated kids in general. Yet he was a teacher, 'irony is just so ironic at times', he thought to himself.
"Well Potter, aren't you going to have your Victory Dinner now?" he spoke in silky almost whispering tones.
"YES, I am and you can just sit there and watch me, in case I choke I guess, so you can do the Heimlich maneuver on me or something. Isn't that your job? Body guard!" he scowled, looking for Kreacher. Kreacher quickly walked up to Harry in the kitchen and greeted him warmly, like only a good house-elf would.
"What can Kreacher do for you, nasty half blood Gryffindor?"
"Kreacher, I want some pasties, some chips and some ale!" Harry commanded. "I deserve a drink after what I did today," he said, placing his booted foot up on the clean table.
"After what YOU did Potter?" Snape asked angrily. "You did nothing but throw your broomstick at his nearly dead head. Albus and I and even Ron and Hermione did more work than you did! You arrogant, self centered little…just like your father you are!"
"Yeah Snape I am just like my father, but I don't strut around! Get that clear now. My father was a great man, a brave and honourable man and now he's dead! My parents are dead because of YOU and Voldemort and Peter Pettigrew! He was their friend! HE WAS THEIR FRIEND!" he shouted after knocking his chair over in his rage. He felt tall for the first time in his life, despite the fact he only came up to Snape's chest.
"Your father was a whiney, unappreciative, spoiled, wiry haired, arrogant, cruel prat who deserves worse than he got. And he was not brave. After everything me and Dumbledore went through putting that Fidelius Charm on your parents house, after I told the Headmaster that HE needed to be the secret-keeper, after I risked my life in passing this information on to Dumbledore, your stupid inept father goes and makes Black the secret keeper and then when Black goes and makes Pettigrew the secret-keeper because he was too scared to have the responsibility, after all that, Voldemort learns the location of his house and what does your father do? NOTHING. He just stands there, wandless, in the front yard and goes and gets himself and ultimately your Mum killed. Yes, wonderful and brave man indeed. But you are right, you are just like him."
"How dare you! HOW DARE YOU Snivellus insult my fathers hair! You are one to talk you greasy git!"
Severus Snape stood stunned, for the second time that day. He tried to comprehend what Potter had just said to him.
"So after all of that, the only argument you have back at me was that I insulted your father's hair?"
Harry stood still, green eyes piercing into Snape's endless black eyes. "That's right, you unicorn taint bastard! Now, as you can see I made it home safe and I no longer need a chaperone. I'm seventeen yrs old and I can take care of myself! I'm going to enjoy some pasties, and some chips and ale and hopefully a good BM and I don't need you to witness it!"
"Yeah, get out of here you Snivilly grease-ball fart wad!" a painting on the far corner of the wall said. It was the painting of the homes former occupant, Sirius Black. It was an impressive picture, Sirius, in his prison-robes with the top part unbuttoned, revealing a heavily muscled, hairless and totally tattooed chest. He was mounted on a muggle motor-cycle, a Honda white and lime green crotch rocket. He wore no helmet. The painting was showing a full moon, and in the far right corner if one looked close, one could see the outline of a werewolf, Remus Lupin no doubt. The werewolf was posed, in a mooning position. Sirius Black the Painting noticed Severus looking at the picture with great interest.
"Admiring Moonies Mooning are we Snivllily? Gay much?"
"You were in prison for how many years Black? What's that tattooed on your chest? I'm the Azkabans Numero-Uno Bitch? And you think I'm gay?" Severus said to his old nemesis.
Of all the people in the world he hated, Black was high on the list. Now Peter Pettigrew is the rat-bastard who got Severus's love Lily killed. For that, he was at the top of the list. Next was James Potter, Lily's husband and Harry's father. Arrogant and immature, he and Sirius practically tortured young Severus in school for no good reason. James also married Severus's love and for that he would never be forgiven. Next in line was Sirius Black. He started all the teasing in the train station all those years ago. He invented the cruel nick-name Snivillous, hearing of which made Severus shudder to this day. He even gave Harry a jeweled knife to kill Severus with a few years back. No wonder that maniac was in prison. He also tried to murder Severus in their sixth year by deliberately leading Severus into the Shrieking Shack where he knew Lupin the Werewolf was waiting for him. Sirius had NO regard for Severus's life, or his friend Lupin. Lupin would have been imprisoned had he bitten or killed Severus. Sirius did not care.
Even though in years later it came to be known that the crime Sirius was convicted of turned out to be not be his fault, it was Pettirgew not Black who ratted on the Potters causing their death, the fact that he spent time in prison as an innocent man meant nothing to Severus….he did try to murder him their sixth year and he should have served time for that alone.
"What happens in prison stays in prison…Snivilly!" the bastard painting said with cold harsh tones and wicked laugh.
"OH? Why's it tattooed across your chest then you maggot eating sorry excuse for a pure-blood wizard?"
"None of your bees-wax! Now go away, you're getting grease on my handsome painting, could fry an egg on your face you Expecto-Patron-ass!"
"How very mature Black, I see even in death you are still the same arrogant immature bastard you always were. Traits which got you killed I may add…"
"Don't you dare even speak to my Godfather! How dare you? Saved my life you may have done but I will not let you insult my own Godfather in MY HOUSE and this IS my house, my domicile and you are no longer welcome here!" Harry interrupted. He was fuming and as red as a tomato. Sirius Black's Portrait looked on with a large, proud Gryffindor smile. He loved that his tiny little Godson was sticking up to that worthless piece of dark-magic filth. Had be been alive, he'd gladly give Harry a "High Five".
"Very well Potter, I have better things to do that talk to this homicidal maniac on a girl's bike and listen to your banter. I'm going back to my dungeon now and I'll inform the Headmaster that you made it home safely. Despite what he said earlier, I do think my work here with you is indeed done; I have nothing more to offer you that I can tell. I see no reason to even see you again in the future," Severus Snape said, turning to leave, his long dark robes billowing away softly as he walked out the front door.
"You sure told him off didn't you boy? Proud of you!" Sirius Black's Portrait said.
"I did didn't I? AND, I killed Voldemort today too! Still though…" Harry said, pausing to think.
"Still what Harry? This is all wonderful news."
"Still though, I should feel more...I don't know...morw...anything."
"Anything?"
"I feel nothing...nothing at all...I should feel relief or proud or even cheerful, but I feel nothing...not one damn thing. Some angst maybe...but that's all."
"You need to get laid boy," Sirius Blacks Portrait said giggling.