N: Hello dear readers. No, I am not dead and the aliens did not abduct me. After the season finale, the inspiration of our beloved DE had faded and even though o tried, I found it impossible to write anything remotely good. This one shot is the product of many weeks of trying to write and actually writing. It's random and a tiny bit confusing, but I hope you'll enjoy reading it anyway and you would drop me a review to let me know if I still got it.
Thank you to my girls, my beta Valerie (2serendipity) and my pre-reader Ella for all their work and helpful suggestions.
Essential
The wind buffets my face. The wind is cold and merciless, but somehow comforting, and it helps dry the tears on my face. I keep running without looking back, because if I look back, then I have to acknowledge what I've done, and I can't do that, not yet. I'm not ready, I'm not done. The trees… there are so many, before my eyes, in front of me, behind me, to my right and to my left. They are everywhere, but I manage to avoid every one of them, even at the pace I'm going. My new senses are amazing, so strong, so sharp, perfectly synchronised. Every time I think I will bump into something, it doesn't happen. I avoid impact at the last minute, still running full speed ahead. My heart is restless in my chest; I can hear its beating in my ears: boom-boom-boom. Should I even have a heart beat? I'm not alive, so my heart shouldn't be beating, let alone at this speed and with so much passion and intensity. There's a deer or a roebuck just a few miles away. I can hear it moving; I can even hear it breathing, if I concentrate hard enough. It's insane. All of a sudden, I'm dizzy. It's all too much going on, in my head. I should be running after the deer, like Stefan taught me. We spent hours hunting. He was calm and collected; the wise teacher, while I was the dumb student. I should stop and concentrate to hear every little noise the animal makes. Stefan told me that I can tell if the animal senses me before I'm ready to make my move. Yeah, that's what I should do, but I don't; not because I don't like hunting, not because I don't know how and not because I'm scared. I don't hunt the deer because I'm full.
I've been a vampire for just a few weeks, but it seems like years sometimes. The first few days were the weirdest days of my life – or afterlife. I started remembering things that made no sense, hearing things I shouldn't. My head was spinning, it hurt and there was a pounding in my ears. Stefan was there when I first opened my eyes to join the world of the undead, I remember that perfectly.
"Elena," he murmured reverentially, as if some ethereal being was standing there in front of him. I didn't answer, I didn't even know if he meant it as a question; all I remember is that it was hard for me to breathe. I looked around at first, not knowing what I was looking for. "Matt is ok; Caroline rushed him to the hospital. She said he regained consciousness right before they got there. He will be fine, Elena." His voice was just as soft and calm as I remembered, but for some reason in my head it felt like he was yelling. That was great, great news, but that was also not what I was looking for.
I closed my eyes for a minute; they hurt – if I had drank all the alcohol in Mystic Falls, I don't think I could've had such a horrible and painful hangover – the darkness before my closed lids made a tiny fraction of the pain go away and I was grateful for that. Unlike other times, when darkness brought fear and confusion, this time, darkness brought peace and familiarity. For some unknown reason, images from my latest fight with Matt, from when we were still together, popped into my head. I was in the woods talking to my aunt Jenna on the phone. Then I was talking with my mom and they said they would come and get me. There was a strange noise that scared me for a second, and then a guy was walking my way. He was dressed all in black; that was the first thing I noticed. As soon as he got closer, I could see his face – and what a face! He was beautiful, taking my breath away for a second. Every single thought in my mind about Matt had evaporated. I smiled at him and he returned the favour. It was the perfect moment from two people connecting from the first time they lay eyes on one another.
The whole scene played in my mind, and I was watching it like a spectator, but a spectator who knew how the girl in the leading role felt. It took me a while to realize who the handsome stranger was. Because I hadn't known him then; But I sure as hell knew him now, as it was Damon. My eyes opened, but I barely recognized my own voice as his name flew off my lips. It was hoarse, weak and unsure, and I was trembling.
"He is not here. Elena, there's something you should know. Damon and me… we made a deal. If-"
"Elena!"
A third voice rang out. Stefan stopped in the middle of his sentence to look to his left, and I did the same. There he was, my knight in shining armour, the one person – make that vampire – who's been there for me, who's saved me, cared for me and asked for nothing in return. Yet, he received nothing in return. I had been so selfish with him, unfair, cruel, even. The feelings I had for him were nowhere near clear, but they wanted an answer, so I gave them the only one I could. I was Elena Gilbert, I was the good girl, making the safe choices and putting others before myself. Or was I? To be honest, I had no idea who I was anymore. Yes, I finally made a choice, but right now, with the worst headache of my life and confusion clouding my mind, I was not sure I had made the right choice. The simple fact that I had to make that choice in the first place was not a good sign. I mean, what kind of person loves another with her all heart and soul and still manages to fall in love with someone else? I knew I loved Stefan, there was no question about it, but was I really ready to let Damon go? Was setting him free going to make me happy? The truth was way more complicated and confusing that that. I needed Damon…Damon was for me something Stefan could never be. The way Damon made me feel was something special, something inhuman, it frightened me and excited me in the same time. I couldn't give it a name; not yet, but I knew it was powerful and I needed that in my life. I needed Damon in my life.
"Elena?" he repeated, closer this time. The desperation in his voice would've killed me if I hadn't already been dead. Then it hit me. I was dead. I remembered everything. The conversation with Damon, Rebekah standing in the middle of the road, Matt swerving to avoid her, Stefan trying to save me, me telling him to save Matt first… and then it was dark. Yes, I remembered the dark and the quiet. It had been peaceful in a way. Had it been my time to die? I guess not, since I was still alive. As alive as a vampire could be, I suppose; although, I was not a vampire yet. The irony didn't go unnoticed. After every single person I knew and cared about had put their lives at risk for me and tried so hard to protect me and to keep me alive, after my biological father had sacrificed his own life to save mine, I was still dead…uh, undead.
"Damon," I murmured his name again. In the blink of an eye, he was beside me, his hands traveling all over my body. His protective nature always touched something deep inside me. He was the vampire that could kill in cold blood, no hesitation and no regrets, but he was also the man that could protect fiercely, love until it would break him and stay loyal even if it would kill him. After he made sure all the bones in my body were there and everything was in its place, he cupped my face with both hands and looked at me. He looked me right in the eye and I could see…God, I could see everything he didn't say, and I'm sure he could do the same. It was one of those moments we had. Something pure, something special, intimate and private; it was just between me and him and no one else. His eyes still held sparkling tears in them, and some were already dry on his cheeks. It broke my heart to see him like that.
I thought he was going to kiss me, or hug me, or at least say something, but he didn't. He let me go and I must admit that a part of me hated him for it, because…well, because I needed him there. I needed him close to me. Instead, he let me go, and the next thing I knew, Stefan was thrown on the ground.
"She'd only chosen you for ten minutes and you already got her killed. Good job, Stef," He spat. "You say you love her. How could you let her die?"
"She's not dead, Damon," Stefan returned as he picked himself up from the ground.
"It's Elena! Do you really think she will choose to turn?" Damon asked, and there it was: the question that was going to come up sooner or later. Was I going to suffer, fade away and die, or was I going to turn, become a monster and live forever? How could I choose death when I hadn't even lived? I was still young and there were a million things that I still wanted to do. And then there was Jeremy. I couldn't just leave him all alone in the world. I promised him I wouldn't go anywhere, and that I would take care of him. I didn't have a choice. The decision was already made, and my fate was already chosen.
"You're bleeding," I said, and only a few seconds later I realized that I was able to not only smell, but feel that Damon was hurt. For some reason I could feel it, deep down in my bones that something was wrong with Damon. It was like we were connected by some king of powerful, invisible wire that let me know what he felt. But the most overpowering was the smell of the blood.
Blood…it's all about the blood. A vampire's blood in my body is what made me who I am. Katherine's blood in Stefan's body made him who he is. Damon's blood saved Caroline's life; and in a way it also saved Bonnie's mom. Now, it was also blood that kept me from dying. Blood is everything. Blood is life. The animal blood that Stefan makes me drink is okay – the thought grosses me out for a second – because it keeps me from ripping my own brother's throat out, but it's not as fulfilling as human blood. On animal blood, you're never satisfied. Imagine eating and never getting the feeling you're full. Never feel like you've had enough. Always longing for more, craving what you really want…forever. The torment is sweet and painful at the same time.
The first time I tasted human blood after I turned, I almost killed a young girl. If it hadn't been for Damon, she would've been dead. It was about five days after I turned and the second night I had spent in my own home. Around 11:30 at night, I got restless, so restless that I had to get out of the house. I decided to go look for Damon since I hadn't seen him since the night I turned. Without even thinking twice about it, I got dressed and the next thing I knew, I was in the Mystic Falls Cemetery. I took advantage of the fact that I was there to visit my parents' and Jenna's graves. After about ten minutes of silence, I head a soft cry; it seemed to be really close to me. As it turned out, it wasn't that close, but I was still not used to my sensitive hearing. I started walking in the direction the cry came from. It led me to a girl who was curled up at the bottom of a tree, crying her eyes out. I asked her what was wrong as I approached slowly. She didn't get to finish her sentence because about three seconds after she started talking, I smelled the blood from her fresh wound. I didn't mean to, I didn't even do it willingly, it just happened. My deathly fangs pierced her sensitive skin, just a little at first, but as soon as the blood touched the tip of my tongue, my sharp teeth started cutting deeper and deeper into her carotid artery. It felt so good, so fulfilling and natural, like I wasn't about to take a human life. Her heart was barely beating and I could feel the grip she had on my hand getting weaker.
Just when I thought I was going to kill the girl, I felt two strong arms pulling me away. I didn't realize right away who was responsible for taking me away from that amazing feeling of power. The truth is that now I understand why Damon never really gave up feeding on people and why Stefan could get addicted to it. It was all about the feeling of power that flooded me as I fed.
Ever since, Damon has taken me out at night to teach me how to feed on humans without killing them, or even harm them too much. He taught me how to approach them, how to control myself if people around me bleed, and how to compel them. I was giving them my blood afterwards as well, to make sure they would heal and there would be no signs. We would go to random bars or creepy allies and compel someone so Damon could teach my how to feed. It was strictly business, we wouldn't talk about anything else besides me being a vampire, and how I should walk, run, and move. Every time I asked him a question that had nothing to do with me learning to be what I am, he would pretend he didn't hear me. Our little training session lasted for about eight days, give or take. One night I told him I couldn't do it anymore, hurting people and all, he disappeared, and I haven't heard from him for over three weeks. The thought that he left and he won't come back has left me restless. No one knew Damon was still in Mystic Falls and the only thing he asked me was to keep his presence a secret from everyone else. It was just between him and me; no one else had to know that we spent nearly every night together. He didn't ask a lot and after everything he had done for me, I couldn't refuse him one little favor.
"Have you heard from him yet?" Caroline asked.
"Huh?"
"Damon. Have you heard from him?"
"Oh…I…no, I haven't" I answered absently. It was the truth. I hadn't heard from Damon since that night I told him that we shouldn't be doing what we were doing. Damon teaching me how to be a "real" vampire was not the worst part; it was the secrets and the guilt I was feeling every morning after our nights together. Or it might have been the way I was starting to look forward to the sunset so that I could see him again.
"You miss him, don't you? I mean, you don't say a damn thing, but you're my friend, you don't have to say it, I can tell."
"Caroline!"
"What? Tell me I'm wrong and you don't miss him or think about him!"
"Let's not talk about this, please," I said and she rolled her eyes, but didn't say anything. No one was saying anything; Damon's name was like the forbidden word. No one talked about him or asked questions regarding where he was and why he left.
We haven't talked about Damon since then.
I can feel the blood pumping in my veins. It's still warm and it warms my cold body as well. Every time I feed, it warms me … just for a few minutes, maybe an hour, if I'm full. At what cost though? I told myself I would never hurt people. The guard tonight…he just came out of nowhere and he was hurt, and I couldn't control myself. It had been the second time I fed on a human without Damon by my side. The first time had been just two or three days after he left. When I realized he was not coming back. The thing is, a vampire always goes back to blood. When I feel mad, frustrated, sad or simply bored, blood is the only thing that makes it a little better. The feelings a vampire feels are overwhelming. I lick my lips and a soft growl rips from my throat. Some of the blood is still around my mouth, even though it's probably dry by now, because of the wind. I can smell it, I can feel it, and now I have the taste in my mouth, making my fangs elongate again. I expect them to cut into my flesh every time they come out, but they always find their place right against my bottom lip. It's like a caress when they go down, brushing over my lips, so cold, so sharp, so deathly, yet…they make me feel safe sometimes. I can also feel the veins around my eyes grow thicker as the blood rushes there to make my vision even better than before. It's an all-new experience every time it happens. And every time I have the impression my moves get even quicker, my senses become more sensitive and my hearing improves. I can see as if it was daytime, but it is night, dark and cloudy, without even any moonlight to make the night less dark. I don't have a watch, but since I turned, I don't seem to need one; time doesn't have value anymore. Not to me anyway. Even without the watch, I can tell it's somewhere around half past midnight.
I head inside the house as fast as the wind. I know my brother's not home; he's working night shifts on weekends, and he probably just left an hour or two ago. Something's off. I sense it as soon as I step inside, but I don't stop to pay attention. Not tonight. Tonight, I'm too exhausted, too consumed. I know what's coming; the guilt, the regret, the horror of what I've done. It's too late of course, but that doesn't stop the feelings from coming until I'm a shell of what I once was. It's a lot to take; hard, painful…like a torment, or even worse, because I know I deserve it. Sometimes it's so bad I think it will kill me, for real this time. Just like the last time, I let it wash over me. New tears burn in my eyes until I let them fall down my cheeks; they burn my flesh as well. Crying doesn't come easy to me these days, so I welcome it when it happens. Crying is just so…human. Without turning any lights on I go into the basement and drop the blood bags in the fridge. I cover the white box with my mother's favorite rug just like it was before and place the boxes on top. Everything needs to be perfect; everything needs to look the same. If only they knew… I let out a loud sigh. I started stealing blood from hospitals after Damon left and I haven't stopped since. The blood I steal is the only thing keeping me satisfied enough to fight the need to hunt. And when I say hunt, I don't mean animals. I mean humans. I realize I'm still crying, because I feel the weird need to breathe in as much air as I can to fill in my dead lungs. Air that I don't really need, but which still feels essential. Especially when I cry, I feel the need to moan and breathe faster; it makes me feel vulnerable. It makes me feel human. I need that in nights like this. I need to feel human even if I'm not and will never be again.
After locking the door behind me and hiding the key in its usual place, I run to my room, closing the door and leaning on it. He's here. I don't need to see it; I can feel it. His presence causes tingles all over my body; he's the only one that has ever had that effect on me. Like I told Matt, whenever I'm around him, it consumes me. In the blink of an eye he's beside me. It's like a routine. He takes me into the bathroom and cleans all the blood from my face and hands. He helps me change, because my hands are shaking, and not stable enough for me to do it on my own. I go to the blood-bank once a week and even since Damon came back, he is there when I get back. Sometimes it's a Friday, sometimes a Saturday or a Sunday, but he knows. Somehow he knows and he is always in my room waiting for me. One day a week, for the past month and a half, he's been there, taking care of me when I was too exhausted to do it myself. At first, he insisted on going to the blood-bank himself, but I didn't let him. it was something I wanted, something I needed, not him, I couldn't let him take the blame, not anymore. He is what gives me the strength to keep going, to keep fighting, to survive. He means the world to me…he's everything and he doesn't even know it. Of course, he can't know it; he can never know that I would die without him.
He came back and that's all that matters. I didn't ask him where he has been, he didn't ask me if I missed him. I guess we already know the answers to any questions we might have for one another. He doesn't come every night; I don't expect him to. I'm just grateful he comes once a week. I take anything he gives me, because I know how lucky I am that he is still here. After everything I did to him, after everything I put him through, he is still here and that's more than I could've asked for.
One night a week, I am his and his only. He doesn't say anything. He doesn't have to. God, he never has to, because he says everything just by looking at me, by touching me. After all, words have always been wasted between us. We never said the really important things anyway. I guess some truths are just too much for words and should not be given sound. So no, we don't talk, not anymore. We just look, feel, touch, gasp, moan, breathe and cry. Well, I cry and he just holds me. He holds me tight, pressed against his chest until I'm all cried out. And when I wake up in the morning, he is no longer there. At first I thought I'd been dreaming because I missed him so much. I thought I was going crazy, creating the scenario in my mind, but one morning I woke up a little earlier. And his scent was still there on the pillow, right beside me. There was hardly any room for confusion when I was still human, but now, as a vampire, there's just no way I'm wrong.
Then there's also the imprint he leaves on my body. It's not very noticeable, but to me, it's impossible to miss.
This time, as we lay in bed and his arms go around me, I think it will be just like those other times. Silent comfort. I don't expect to hear his voice… his husky, melodic voice caressing my ear shell. It takes me by surprise and I tremble even more violently. All he does is hold me tighter.
"Elena, you have to tell them," It's all he says, and it makes me cry harder. I don't trust myself enough to speak, so I don't. He doesn't push me and I love him for that. I love him for that and for a million other things that for some reason were not as clear in my mind a few months ago. But they are clear as crystal now. I realize that I loved him long ago, but it became more obvious and impossible to ignore after I became a vampire. Just like Stefan and Caroline warned me once or twice, everything I was feeling as a human became heightened. Curiously, my feelings for him were the ones that grew the most, or maybe they just surfaced. I can't tell.
I think it takes me about an hour to feel up to answering him. "I feel like I'm disappointing them," I say softly.
"Who?"
"Stefan, Bonnie, Caroline, Jeremy, Alaric, my parents. I'm not as strong as they think…or thought I am and that would be a great disappointment to them."
"They'll understand, Elena. This is killing you. Stealing from the blood-bank, feeding on humans, compelling the guard, devouring half of the bags there just to feel full, spending all this time with me-"
"Don't! Please, just don't!"
"Elena…" He breathes.
"Can you just hold me, for now?" I ask in a pleading voice. And he does. Oh, God, he does. He takes me into his arms carefully, like I'm the most precious thing he ever held. And it's beautiful, and it's painful, but it's essential. It's what keeps me going.
"Why didn't you tell me?" I ask.
"Tell you what?"
"When I told you my reason for picking Stefan, why didn't you tell me about our first meeting, in the woods?"
"It didn't matter."
"It mattered and it still does. I liked you then."
"You didn't know who I was. What I was," he says in a sad voice.
"I fell for you right then and there. When I met you again, the circumstances were different, but I got to know you anyway, and even though it took time, it happened again," I take a deep breath, "I fell for you all over again."
"But you chose him."
"I was human then. Things change. I changed. Maybe I don't feel the same way," I say, a little louder than necessary.
"How do you feel now, Elena?"
"I don't know."
"Will you ever know?"
"I will, I just need some time and now, I have all the time in the world to sort things out. I also have all the information I need. That night in the woods wasn't the last time you compelled me. At first, I thought it was a memory, but then I realized when it happened, and I knew you compelled me. Why do you think that Stefan's better than you?"
"I don't. You need to get some rest."
What a Damon thing to do. Change the subject when things get too personal. I know that by know; I know it better than anyone: it's just a defence mechanism. There's no point in arguing. This battle is a lost one for now and I know it.
"Damon?"
"Hm?"
"Stefan's not better than you. He's just different. If it wouldn't have been for you, I don't know what I would've done. You mean so much to me, I-"
"You have to stop," Damon says in a warning voice.
"No, I just have to say it once and you have to hear it," I say, using his own words against him. The exact words he used when he compelled me after I got kidnapped. It gets to him – just like I knew it would – and he doesn't say anything for a full moment. But neither do I. just when I feel ready to talk, he beats me to it.
"I can't let you do that, Elena. If you say it, that's it, all bets are off. Once the words leave your mouth, you're not his anymore and I won't stop until I have you, until you're mine, heart, soul and body."
As always, I'm a coward and don't say anything.
The clouds have cleared out, and the majestic moon has come out in all its silver glory to lighten up the dark. There are a million stars, and the wind is singing in the trees, and it's beautiful, because the night is their time to shine. I know that now. And then there's us: two people once so different, but now so much alike; two people who find comfort in one another and two people connected by way more than the fact that they are both the living dead. And tonight, I know why. I know why I couldn't die. Because I wasn't born to die, I wasn't meant to live, grow old and die like every other human being. I was meant to be touched by him, kissed by him, and loved by him. I was meant to be this, I was meant to be his. I'm connected to him and he is connected to me; forever.
N: I hope you liked it and please don't forget to drop a review, maybe that would bring back some of my inspiration to keep writing.
As for my other stories…they will get finished, I promise, I haven't given up on them forever.