Hook clenched his jaw and stared into the lake, chin rested on his tightened fist. He felt empty.
Which was fair. After all, he was without a heart.
What have I done?
All he'd wanted was to surprise Emma, to be able to love her in a way he hadn't thought possible. To hold her. To wrap his hands in her hair and remind her that he would never let her go.
Never had he guessed what such a simple wish could cost him.
Would cost him.
Had already cost him.
The crocodile had made it clear that his life not only hung in the balance, but was the balance. He would die to free the dark one from his dagger.
He would lose Emma.
Now his only wish was that she would survive his betrayal, however forced that betrayal might be.
It was almost funny, that. After Milah, he hadn't thought he could ever love again. Until he'd set eyes on Emma Swan. In that moment, the very first time he'd seen her, he had known. That his heart was no longer his own.
And it still wasn't, but once again not in the way that he had imagined.
His life had never exactly gone the way that he had imagined.
"Hook?" The voice came from behind him, but he didn't turn. He had been trying to avoid Emma at all costs, as much as it killed him to do so. He didn't want to put her in the line of fire, though she tended to get herself there with or without his help.
Emma sat next to him on the bench, close but not touching. He desperately wanted to close the gap, to put his arm around her, to take her somewhere they could both be safe. Where everyone could be safe.
But, of course, that was only wishful thinking.
"You've been avoiding me – everyone, for that matter – what's wrong?" Emma's question burned into him, and he longed to tell her the truth. But he couldn't. He knew that was probably the weak option – the coward's way out – but it was the only possibility that he could see.
"Nothing you have to concern yourself with, love," he responded coolly, trying to push her away with his words while attempting to draw close to her with his heart.
Which he didn't have, making the effort entirely futile.
"Killian, I – "
"Save your breath, Swan," Hook stated, standing up in an attempt to distance himself from her, "You may be an open book, but there are things I'd much prefer to keep to myself."
Hurt washed through Emma's eyes, and a pang spread through Hook's empty chest.
I can't do this, a voice inside him said.
You have too, his own reminded him.
Emma stood up, eyes fiery now but pain still evident behind the blaze, "Don't you dare do that to me."
"Sorry, love," was his only response.
"Killian, this whole town is keeping secrets from me, but I expected more from you. I trusted you. Don't tell me that was misplaced."
Hook's next breath caught in his throat, and it was a few seconds before he gained his composure, "It's not my fault that you're a bad judge of character." He was sure that the words hurt him more than they hurt Emma.
Her eyes widened slightly, and she looked stunned. Then, without another word, she turned and walked away.
He watched her go, sure that his non existent heart was breaking into a thousand pieces.
It's better this way. It will make it less painful for her when you're gone.
On the surface, Hook knew this to be true. But deep within him he wondered if he was not only lieing to Emma, but also to himself.
It wouldn't be the first time.