And it hurts

by Walking Through The Pages

She was singing as beautiful as ever. But only now did I realize how much that hurt. That it wasn't to me, at me, for me, because of me, she was singing. That it hurt. And that it was all my own, stupid fault. One shot - set during season 3: Nationals - It's all coming back to me now, as performed by Rachel Berry

Authors note: I do not own any characters created by Ryan Murphy and/or team. Full credit goes to him/them for the full context and situations mentioned in the series. However, the storyline of this fanfic is all me and the little voice in my head – and thus, of course, not to be copied by anybody else – that would be stealing my creativity, my ideas – and not very nice.

---

But when you touch me like this
And you hold me like that
I just have to admit
That it's all coming back to me now

I messed up, okay?

Big time.

And it hurts.

Like hell.

And I never even knew
Or at least not until now
Just how much I'd screwed up
And how much it hurt.

Not until this moment.
Not until this song.

Not until now
The moment she's singing
The way I once thought she sang to me
For me.

But now it's not for me anymore.
And it never will be again.

Because she's singing
-even more beautiful than she did back then-
-even more beautiful than I had ever dared to imagine-
-even more beautiful than when she sings
(to me)
in my dreams-

And I can see it in her eyes.

That it's to him she's singing now.
That it's for him she's singing now.
That it's his words that give her the courage to enter that stage every time now.
That it's his smile she thinks of when that smile lights up her face.
That it's his eyes that make her smile like she's never done until now.

Not even when she was singing her lungs out.
Not even when she was singing at that piano in that shop.

That it's his comfort that's taken away all the hurt from when I screwed up.

Big time.

And I know it.

I blew it.

I.

Me.

Nobody else.

I made her hurt.
I forced her to move on.

And now it's me who's hurt.
Now it's me who couldn't see the truth
When it was right in front of me
With that shocked expression on her face
And bits of eggshell all over her hair.

And it's all my fault.

And it hurts.

Like hell.

And it's stupid
Stupid
Stupid
Stupid.

But when she sings I forget it's stupid
I forget it hurts
And all I can remember is
I've got no one to blame.

No one
But me

But when she sings

I fall in love with her

All over again

More than before
Always more and deeper than before

And it hurts.

---

Sooo... I was watching Rachel's performance from Nationals, season 3, for the gazillionth time - and suddenly I noticed Jesse's face when they zoom in on him during Rachel's chorus. And I just couldn't help but feel so sorry for him - he messed up, but I really think that, in the end, he was the one who hurt more... And then this popped into my head :)
As usual: let me know what you think by reviewing, favoriting, following (well - that would be a bit pointless, but it's the thought that counts after all)

Greetings!