Blair and Her Mirrors
Eleanor
I hated looking at the mirror. One is because it reflected all of my imperfections, and two is because I can feel my mother's judgment through my own concious when I see myself on the mirror. You're too plump, you're cheeks are too chubby, the dress does not look good on your pale skin, your hair is not perfect... I tried to feel good about myself, but the mirror says something else. Once in awhile, my mother would come in and as if on cue, she displayed in harsh words what the mirror displayed of my imperfections. I took it all in because she was right, I'm not perfect, and I have to work hard to become a perfect lady. Even if that means forcing a finger down my throat, I would do it. I would look at the mirror and Eleanor will approve me. She will.
But then a guy who didn't seem to own any mirror sat down beside me in a long white hallway. A stranger who somehow dated my perfect best friend. Dan Humphrey. He looked at me and I thought he was going to judge me, like he always do. I can always tell by his gaze. But he didn't. He sat there and talked about his mom. He told me something the mirror wouldn't tell me. "Even if it didn't change anything, she'd know how I felt." How I felt. It sounded so strange to me because I never really knew how I really felt about Eleanor, she's the mother, she should be the right one. But I felt horrible with her.
Without any mirrors, without any concious Blair in me, I went to her and tell her like it is, tell her what I felt, and I never felt more powerful. I went home and looked a myself in the mirror once again, I liked what I saw. I guess the mirror only projects what I felt, and I felt good for the first time in a long time.
Chuck
I walked into my room, just after I had confessed my love for Chuck, just after he rejected me, just after everything crashed into pieces. I looked at my own reflection in the mirror. Nothing. The feeling of emptiness erupted through my soul because I felt like I have lost everything. I loved a man who deemed not to be loved. I loved and loved but it wasn't enough for him. Slowly I saw my tears coming down and I hated the girl on that mirror, I hated the weak and helpless girl. I felt empty, or is it my concious that was telling me I was empty? Maybe I am just lonely, or maybe my ego bruised a bit when Chuck decided I worth nothing to him. I didn't know who I am anymore. I didn't understand who I am. The mirror that reflected only shows a weak girl, and Blair Waldorf shouldn't be weak, should never be weakened by a guy. I stood up, and found myself never looking at the mirror, not even when Chuck finally spat out his love for me as I was afraid that the empty girl was still there. And honestly I knew myself with Chuck, when I am with him, he's my kryptonite, he made me feel weak, as weak as possibly could. I do not need a mirror to drop that on my shoulders once again. I haven't stared at the mirror, not until...
"If a pair is meant for one another, it's you two," Dan Humphrey threw that on me on Dorota's wedding day. He was right, painfully taken but he was right. I found myself staring at my reflection again, and Chuck crept behind me. I could only give a weak smile, it was like Humphrey had said, Chuck and Blair, we're meant to be. Chuck has a present, he always do, and it was a necklace, somehow my heart stopped. Not because of the beautiful necklace in his hand, but because the meaning behind it. He owns me. I pulled my hair up, because really, what's left to do? I had to love him, I chose to before. Maybe that would be the end of my life.
It was at the altar when I saw Dorota and Vanya, oh how happy they are. A genuine smile crept on her face because the man she loved brought that to her. Pure and simple love. Happy. I never got that. I thought I was happy when Chuck said he loved me, but it was more of being glad rather than anything else. My subconcious threw me off, and I left the altar that convinces me as a liar and I left Chuck. I loved him, deeply, but I hate myself. Was it worth loving him if I hated myself? If I'm not happy? No.
I knew somehow Chuck would get back at me by seducing the first slut he sees. I never broke my stare at him, not until Dan Humphrey blocked my view, somewhat saving me from begging for Chuck again. My composure stuck through, I shouldn't let his judgment get to me.
"I do think you deserve to be with someone who makes you happy," he said with a smile. It should mean little to me, it really should. But those words loosen the tight nerves in me, the knots in my stomach, it made me feel as if the burden has left off. He asked for a dance, and I accepted. All we did was stomping at each other's wit, me burdening him with Vanessa questions and him burdening me with my sense of dating Chuck Bass. The night ended with me doing shots with Humphrey, Eleanor and Cyrus. I looked at my parents, the were doing shots like they were teenagers in love. I wanted that.
I went home, and I looked at the mirror again. The first thing that went to my mind was Chuck didn't own me. I own me. If Chuck wants me to be his again, he'll play by my rule. He should be the one begging. Its not a game, its my life. I deserved more, and if Chuck wants me, he needed to do more. I felt stronger, more than I had ever felt.
But honestly...
Chuck has his ways to define me, and I actually fell off route a million times after that. I was the powerful Blair at one point and suddenly weak before him at another. Though I found myself picking up things faster, because if there is one thing that Chuck can't buy off me, is my concious to be me. I don't know who I am just yet, but I know I'm not the girl who draped her arms around her man and be the trophy wife. I'm not that, I refuse to be that. I loved Chuck, but he can't make me that way. No one can. I looked at the mirror, and even my reflection can't call me weak again.
Serena
I envied the blonde, she has the perfect everything. Her life was carefree, she even found admiration from the boy who used to be the love of my life. She can just smile her way out of anything. She received everything in a silver platter. She is the definition of an it girl. She's my best friend. Her life wasn't perfect, she has her ups and downs, especially with her Brooklyn boyfriend, who somehow fell for Serena's perfect stature, but not really feeling her pointless direction in life. Anyway, Serena moves like a gazelle, she has everyone under her spell. Even when things go rough, she still has the benefits for being beautiful. When things gets rough on me, I felt as if everyone went away.
I always look at the mirror and compare myself to the blonde. She has bodacious body, I only have bones. She has shine on her locks, mine was dull as it can be. She has a beautiful smile, all I could do was smirk. Everything on me looks wrong when everything on her looks right. I can't help but be insecure whenever I'm with her. I thought I had Yale, but she got that one too. Everything was Serena, Serena, Serena. It annoys me, though it makes sense somehow, but I really don't want to admit it. I loved Serena, to be honest, I would do anything for her, and that was part of her charm's fault. There was a time where I thought Serena having someone from Brooklyn as her boyfriend would drop her perfect stature for a bit, it didn't. It did helped his stature a bit, eventhough at times I feel like he wasn't comfortable with it.
It dawns me whoever Serena dates doesn't define who she is, she's already Serena Van Der Woodsen. Proven when she dated Nate's already married cousin which errupted the best politic scandal Manhattan has ever endured, yet people still love her. Proven when she got caught between her boyfriend, Nate and her ex-boyfriend slash step brother Dan, people still root for her. Proven when she dated a teacher who just got out of prison, nobody cares that he's an ex-convict, all everyone wanted to know is what was it like dating the blonde bombshell? Serena has the upper hand to be Serena, no one defines her.
Though, as if on cue, only one person didn't drop on his knees for Serena. Dan Humphrey. Serena never tells Dan about her faults, because she was afraid he will judge her. But his words were right, if she was honest, he won't have any reason to judge her. It was because she did, he's rethinking his choices. Not many had to rethink of their choices towards Serena, but he just didn't care for all the perfection behind Serena's golden vibe down the road.
"Not everyone gets second chances like you, Serena." And that was when he was courting her, again. He puts Serena on the ground, and everytime he did, I could look at the mirror and convince myself that I shouldn't be so insecure beside Serena. Not everyone is perfect, not even Serena Van Der Woodsen.
Dan
He was a jerk. That was my first view of him. Who does he think he is running around judging the upper east side. He walks tall and sees people at their worst. What bothers me that neither my withering glare or Chuck's capacity of snaking an insult throws him off. In fact, he attached that arrogant face and stood by his two feet, not backing down. Nate liked him, enough to actually invite him to a soccer game, and now they are like besties or something. Serena liked him, loved him, faithful to him, well, faithful might be an exageration but she kept going back to him. Georgina was head over heels on him, and its rare for Georgina. She genuinely likes him. Obviously he used Dan at first to get back to Serena, but the key point to banish her before was actually her feelings for Dan. Why Dan? People call him a nice guy but really I see through all that. He is a judgmental dick that fooled even Georgina Sparks.
But everything from here kind of goes the opposite. Running down through it, Dan Humphrey who was courting Serena, who was head over heels for my best friend, who had puppy eyes on her actually walked down the long white hallway towards me when he obviously had some appology to give to Serena. Its like he chose to go to me, to tell me about his mom, to tell that he understand, to give me a heads up on what is really messed up. He chose me, even under Serena's love spell. That was the first, and also the first ever moment when I looked at myself at the mirror and actually smiled that someone had chosen me over Serena. He taught me that I should speak up to my mother, that imperfections was through her eyes, not mine, a fact that Serena who I have known all my life couldn't say. But the most important part was, he was there. When nobody else was.
I had to thank Humphrey for his brilliant idea for one. "Don't dissapear. Try to be unavoidable. Chuck may be a deviant but he's still a man. Drive him crazy, wear him down. You should be good at that." That is the first intellectual thing I applauded him for, because really, it was the first time Chuck sweat. But then all things got wrong and I was let down again. Serena told me to just be honest about my feelings for Chuck. And here is what he told me. "What's more important to you? Keeping your pride and getting nothing. Or taking a risk and maybe having everything." With a split second, Humphrey did what took hours for Serena in a 2 minute speech. I find myself going through with it, wanting to tell Chuck how I felt, believing that he will say it back.
Though fate is an ugly thing at times. Dan who has his way with words actually broke my confidence a bit when he said, "Just be careful." And I was. I didn't know that was his first warning that Chuck and Blair are a an ugly form of games and schemes. I ended up going back, looking at myself, all my energy drained from losing the joy that was supposed to be there. Then I decided it doesn't matter, I want Chuck and love conquers all. It doesn't. I looked at the mirror and I have lost myself. There was no one there.
I felt horrible and used when Chuck manipulated me for his hotel. We play games, and he told me I should have understand since we are the same. I thought being with Chuck would tame him, but it seems that he had made me worst. I lost myself. I thought I have become the evil that doesn't deserve anyone but Chuck. That was when Dan came again, with his oddly profound words. "I think you deserve to be with someone who makes you happy." I actually believed him, and this believe gets deeper by the day. I looked at the mirror now believing that I do deserve more. I deserved a good man. If Chuck wants me, he has to do it my way.
I don't know how Dan Humphrey had this hold to my love life, but his every word seems to decide all of my action. Like how he told me once, "Say life is giving you signs, and you're ignoring them because you're afraid of the things that they make you want to do. But then you realize, what if this sign is here for a reason, and ignoring them makes you a coward?" Which is when I saw the Empire State Building staring back at me, not realizing that there is the Brooklyn Bridge much closer to me.
I decided that Dan Humphrey is in fact a jerk when he ruined my birthday party. Its obvious the Humphrey genetics was born to hate the Waldorfs. I didn't interact much with him until Serena gets in trouble, yet again. Weirdly enough the only person I trusted most dealing with Serena was Humphrey. I teamed up with him, and he lousily came in with a rusted tin as our so called road trip to save Serena. We bicker all the way, we annoy each other but this time I can't seem to loathe any of it. Maybe it was because I got use to his judging glare, and he got used to mine.
In the mean time, after thanksgiving, I somehow stumbled being in Film Forum with him, watching Nenette. He didn't sit next to me at first, but then somehow in a wicked world of cinema, I gave up the urge and sat beside him. He had his comments on it, I had mine. We were talking, discussing, bantering, bickering and all of that goes down until the movie ends. We went out, and I wasn't exactly satisfied with our discussion ending, since Humphrey seriously needed to open his eyes on some areas. So we continued, with coffee and bagels at a place downtown. He promised it was safe. I found myself not really caring about the girl who took our picture at the film forum, what I cared was correcting Humphrey. It wasn't successful.
The days after were weird, and we allowed it to just be a one time thing. Weirdly, we both bet on ten bucks, him on my scheme to become a powerful woman will blew in my face, me on Serena leaving him behind again. I was joking to be mean, or half joking anyway. But then Serena went all Serena and she went after her ex-convict teacher who tried to kill her before. I looked at Dan and he seemed like he knew Serena would do this. He may said he can't believe it but in a way, he didn't find it odd for Serena to do this. It wasn't his judgmental side, its Serena. He wasn't judging, he was observing, and he decided to let it go. He didn't trust Serena all the way through but he decided to believe her anyway, and that didn't do right on him. Serena and Dan ended yet again, but whats more important was myself. My scheme was a disaster, and I ended up sitting on the couch beside Humphrey, telling him I didn't want to become like my mother.
"Why not?" he asked. He called me a on how I didn't approve tights as pants, how I was clearly a bitch in high school, then he called me "You're an evil dictator of taste. Why deny that just because what your mother does?" In a second, I suddenly went from schemer to just a girl who wants to achieve success. I want to be powerful with my own will. I want to be my mother, I want her ethics, I want her strentgh. I had my goal. But I wasn't thinking straight when I invited myself to watched Tati with him. I also wondered if he was thinking straight when he allowed me to come when he's trying to cheer himself up. I ended up looking at the mirror, getting ready for my adventure as a Dictator of Taste as well as my non-date with Dan Humphrey. In a way, I was dressing up for me, to look good, to be me.
One movie turned into two, three, four and the coffees afterwards are always an extend to it. We had morning coffee runs, just having conversations that sipping through some personal life in it. I told him about Chuck selling me for a hotel, and he went quiet,. Then he smiled saying that we were suckers for our significant others, and I realized he was going through the same thing. I also note that he didn't judge me, he just looked at me, not with pity, but with kind eyes that really was seldom given to me. I ended up looking at the mirror and finding myself seeing what Dan sees. A sucker for our significant others. I should be sad about it, but I laughed instead, looking at how foolish I was. It didn't bother me like before, because I have my goals ready. Sometimes having a direction in your life would not make some stupid love problems be in your head.
W magazine was a problem since Humphrey was my opponent. The others were only lesser version of me, but Humphrey was the opposite yet similar. He's an intellect, he's a writer which is a plus for a magazine, he had the whole office buzzing. I was about to sabotage him, though he bought me lunch because he somehow knew I won't eat at those low rated cafes they have. Somehow, it feels like he's a friend even if he's my rival. Turns out that ended fast when he decided to stab me in the back. I lost my job and I resolved, he's not my friend. Though Humphrey has this weird way of sneaking back in again. He get me my job back, took all the blame and gave all the credits to me. Honestly, I've been meaning to call him to say thanks, but really, I let my pride get over me.
He's still around though. He came up to W to get his article published. Its obviously about Serena. But its not good Serena, its bare Serena, all through her soul. Her actions that takes place in hurting him, its all in there. I related to him, oddly enough. I wasn't going to do it, even if he pesters me, but I did it anyway. I sent it to Vanity Fair. Not because he pesters me, but because it was good writing. I didn't tell him, thought he could sweat a little. He was still a backstabber.
Then Chuck hurt me on Valentine's Day, by linking with other woman, seriously courting her. Witnessed by my very own eyes, and Humphrey's. I was down, I felt that everything was left undone. That should be me, but it wasn't. I could only say nothing but "Shut up, Humphrey" when he lay it bare on me that Chuck wasn't acting like he cared for the other woman, he did care for the other woman. I could only stay quiet, obviously my mission to be successful had cost me Chuck. Was I really that selfish? A warm hand touches mine, and I just stared at it. Was it comforting? No. It was weird, which is why I pulled my hand away. It bothers me that his hands were so warm on mine, so soothing and such hands were never like Chuck's harsh hold on me. It was new and it scared me a little.
I ended up the night not bothering to look at my reflection, since I was so exhausted. Serena had gone to her ex-convict boyfriend and I was left with a text from Humphrey saying he had a new draft. He kept pestering and I knew he's a tough guy to sweat over things. He does things by working hard, he never backs down on anything. I told him the truth, and it ended up with both of us conversing through the phone watching "Rosemary's Baby". It was boring, it has no roses or champagne, it didn't have amazing sex, but I found myself liking it more than I should. I sneaked a glance towards the mirror. With my notebook on my lap and phone hanging on my ear, I was smiling more than I have had done for many Valentines before.
Then I decided I need to sped up. Somehow, Chuck likes powerful woman. So intend to be that. I forced everything on my table, which means forcing everyone else to work extra hard too. They couldn't cope, I lost my interns. I can do it alone. As if on cue, Humphrey walked in, his face mocking "No you can't". I know he's avoiding Serena. He offered help, as a friend. Are we even friends? I ended up asking for his help. But even with his help, everything was tumbling. I can't even buy Eric a good birthday gift. Humphrey came and admitted he was avoiding Serena, but not only that, he also told me that I was competing with Raina Thorpe for Chuck's attention, saying it like it was a fact. I didn't back down, I insulted him. He left.
Fate was a difficult thing to understand since my minion came in, smiling on how she liked the published blog that was supposedly mine. I didn't write any, but I immideately knew who did. I stand in front of his loft, feeling like an idiot. I should have said sorry when I saw him, but instead, I told him everything. From wanting to return to Chuck to my state of quitting a job I'm almost fired from. I was open, and it makes me feel calm to do that. Maybe its him, I don't know, but I feel like I can tell him everything. He offered pizza, and a movie. I said yes, and I knew why I said yes. I knew why I discarded my shoes on the floor and plop on his old couch. I saw my reflection on his mirror, the small one he had in the kitchen, and somehow I see myself doing the right thing. Be free.
Next thing I know we're doing dates to art exhibitions, movies, galleries, anything that can make a good conversation. We had coffees and he introduced me to Veselka, which was amazing. We keep it down low so that people weren't that shock by it. Both of us confessed, that both of us weren't keen on answering why we were somewhere together. So it was low key, but honestly much more fun than sneaking around with Chuck. Until Dorota seemed to come in and decided that I liked Humphrey more than I should. I was determined to set her wrong, so I decided to left Humphrey hanging. But he was there, standing in front of a restaurant instead of hanging alone in Joseph Beuy's exhibition. He said he meant to stand me up. How dare he? We ended the conversation in a blur, but he wasn't following any of my lead. In fact, he's polarizing his own way that somehow was extended to influence my actions. I ended up crossing the bridge, to his Brooklyn loft, just to yell a him. He knew that before. So I decided to make damage control. Humphrey and I can be friends in public, just not a big blow for the world to scrutiny. In a way, I really didn't want people to talk about it, since its mine and only mine. Whats the use of people knowing anyway?
Things were crashing since of course, the drama of Serena came in again. I came to Dan, to tell him that Serena needs me, and he concluded that she might need him too. It saddens me a little, but I need to take control. "It was nice not being friends with you". He just smiled, telling me we should never repeat it again,and I find myself hoping differently.
I went home, not caring that Chuck had called a few times,but just plop on my bed. I saw myself in the mirror and all I see was dissapointment. On what? I really have no clue. Or maybe I do but the decision had been made and there was no turning back. Not until I heard the elevator. I found myself staring at Humphrey in my foyer, looking confused but determined. He told me that there might be something between us. I didn't agree obviously.
"One kiss, and we can know without a doubt," he offered. My mind must have been hazy to think that would work, because that one kiss turns out to be confused of my feelings much more. But somehow that night, something was embedded in me that Dan Humphrey turned from being the loathed boy from Brooklyn to the most important person in my life.
To Be Continued
I'm stopping here because this is the extent of my tolerance towards the show. There will only be two chapters for this, and the next chapter will be based on my own story mixed with the show. For instance, Louis does not exist, nor does Bart Bass rises from the grave. I write this to give Vlair a little more back story, she very much deserves it.