AU possible-two-shot. I have never written a star-wars fanfiction and I'm not a particular major fan of it. I've watched the movies once or twice but never more than that. I do however find the story of Anakin and Padmé a truly tragic romance, ill fated and consuming for them both. This seems to be a two-shot and is strictly AU, in which Anakin actually thinks everything through like the intelligent man he actually is.
Excuses, he was making excuses for his actions. The blinding realisation did not bring any peace to his troubled soul but it brought a certain measure of balance. He saw his actions clearly, his arrogance acknowledged and his deceit which was slowly bringing both Padmé and him to a ruin rankled against the honesty his mother had instilled in him. Where had Ani gone? Anakin glanced at his sleeping wife and was once again reminded of the visions plaguing him nightly. Padmé deserved far better than him, he should have left the order long ago to be a husband she truly deserved.
He resisted the urge to brush against the presence of his unborn child, Padmé was adamant that the gender remained unknown and Anakin was unsure if he could even find out, he had never tried it before. Her dark curls spread out over the pillow and once again he found himself wishing he could run his hand through them. She was so beautiful.
He knew of her constant fears for his safety; he knew of the many tears she had shed for him and yet he had continued to be so reckless. He could recount the times he had thrown himself into the mix without actually thinking ahead, he didn't fear for himself but he had been reckless. Obi-wan and his multiple admonishments of his recklessness now rang back in his mind, Anakin had truly deserved had been blind and full of arrogance, unbecoming of not only a jedi but a had he slipped so far?
His decision was obvious; he had to leave the order, the darkness was creeping up more and more. He loved being a jedi, he truly did but Padmé was who he loved more, wasn't she? No, he could not have any doubts about his love for Padmé. Her radiant smile; her eyes full of warmth and love; her soft curls trailing down past her shoulders; her laughter that lingered in his ears; her quick wit but lacking the sarcasm or dark humour of Obi-wan. He loved her more than anything.
The title of Master being denied to him was complicated, the denial to him was an insult to him but the title was truly just a way he was to prove himself. It was hardly an insult if at twenty two he was being denied mastery, he was at the age when most jedi were padawans. Why had he never thought about it that way before? He was as skilled as most masters but he was prone to his emotional outbursts. The council had a leg to stand on when they denied him his mastery. It grated the pride that as a jedi he was supposed not to possess but then again he thought wryly, he possessed a great many things denied to a jedi.
The council feared him however, he could sense the fear deep within them and it rankled him because they rebuked him and they were just as guilty of it as him. They feared his power, they held him back. He sighed and shook his head; they feared for him, how could they not when he was on the edge of an abyss. They had despite their reservations trained him, they had not held him back from knighthood despite his flaws and he had received recognition from them despite his past accusations of them never doing so.
Had his perceived slights been nothing more than a figment of his imagination? No, the Jedi didn't trust him, he was too passionate and impatient in their opinion and to those who denied their emotions, he was dangerous. If he truly admitted it truthfully to himself, he was dangerous. The Jedi and he had their disagreements, his unborn child and beloved wife were proof that he was not the ideal jedi. Count Dooku, what Anakin had done was not only not the way of the jedi but it was not the way of the compassionate person he was supposed to be.
Palpatine encouraging him to end the threat. He tensed, before he had never truly thought on the events, too busy in seeing his beloved Padmé again after many months of agonising separation. But now he recalled despite the haze his mind had over the memories. How could the wise and kindly mentor that had been his friend for many years encourage him to commit murder? It just was not right.
The realisation of the coldblooded act; not even an isolated incident because he still remembered the aftermath of the Sand People he had slaughtered. He thought then of a fellow jedi raised amongst the Sand People. Bile rose as he thought of what he had done. A'Sharad Hett had forgiven him and trusted him to overcome his anger and turmoil but..he had let the anger fester.
Anakin felt the entirety of his faults, his sins and his mistakes fall on him. His entire body shuddered as he fell to his knees and bit back sobs. What was he becoming? "Help me…" He said in a voice barely above a whisper.
"Always," Qui Gon Jinn answered as he appeared before Anakin, his eyes full of the gentle compassion that Anakin remembered from his brief but never forgotten time with the Jedi Master." You have taken the first step to helping yourself, realising your faults."
The words he was about to voice were lost before he even opened his mouth as he almost stumbled forwards in an attempt to embrace the Jedi Master.
Qui-Gon chuckled. "I'd advice you not to do that, I'm not solid, young one." His eyes twinkled briefly with amusement.
Despite the situation Anakin almost flushed at how Qui-Gon could tease him at such a time and that he allowed himself to be affected.
"You have been walking a very fine line and have crossed it, each time with consequences," the deceased jedi master commentated. "It has been worrying but I am not here to admonish you or criticise you. I am here to help you."
"How?" Anakin asked bitterly, all he had done would have been enough to have expelled him from the Jedi Order thrice over, at the very least.
"By believing in you, you are the chosen one Anakin, one way or another you will bring balance to the force. Not even darkness could fully consume you and twist you beyond repair. I have faith, the upmost faith in you." Confidentally Qui Gon Jinn told the younger Jedi.
"You are the only one that does."
Qui Gon frowned. "Do you truly believe that?Think on it, I must go for now. Be strong and don't let your passions cloud your judgement. I believe in you and as do many others." He left then and as if he had never appeared, the room was silent apart from the soft sounds of breathing.
Now Anakin was left only to his thoughts.