Set during war. How Draco feels in his relationship with Hermione. Not too OOC I hope.
Universe: Harry Potter books
Pairing: Draco/Hermione
Theme: Romance
Rating: K+
IMPORTANT NOTES: This is not beta-read. Still not bilingual T_T Sorry for the OOC-ness. As always, feedback is welcome! Enjoy ^^
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Disclaimer : Harry Potter and its universe is the property of J.K. Rowling. No money is being made with this fanfiction. This is all for our pleasure.
Love is a battlefield
He had never been perfect.
Things he had said to her. Things he hadn't said to her.
There were times she wished she could have changed him. Times she wished he was not a jerk.
Times she wished he had fought a little harder.
Truth was she had not been perfect either.
Things she hadn't said to him. Things she had said to him.
She closed the window as it started to rain. She moved to the bed, sat on it and blankly looked at the wall. It was all cracked. This house was very old indeed but it was all they got since the last Head Quarters weren't the safest place anymore.
They were constantly moving in and out. It left no place for memories. It wasn't that bad since a part of her didn't want these memories that were hurting her. What's to remember anyway? The war? The violence? The permanent feeling of being tracked down?
Hermione had come to a point where the strain was draining her. She was spending all of her energy for people who didn't even know her. Didn't know how much of her life she was sacrifying for their little sakes.
There were times she wished she was different. Times she wished she didn't have to bear that burden. Times she wished she knew nothing at all.
Truth was she couldn't turn away now.
She wrapped herself into her own arms, feeling cold inside. She was alone. She always had been. Well, almost. She thought about it every day.
She remembered his desperate kisses. His tight hugs. His light strokes.
As if the world was about to crash down every minute.
As if he was afraid of leaving her without her knowing he cared.
The problem was he never did say to her what she's been dying to hear. How pathetic. Both of them.
She let herself fall on the sheets and cowered. She let the tears fall on her face, little drops of water rolling down her chicks, wetting her tired face. She didn't care someone might enter the room at this very moment and let shown this moment of weakness.
She wanted him. She needed him.
The problem was he wasn't here.
She knew what the others were thinking. He knew it too. They knew they didn't care but they still judged. Not all of them but what can do a very few against many? They couldn't change their mind or change their beliefs. It takes acts, not words.
The problem was he never did say anything to them. He never did prove them anything.
The man had a bad reputation. He knew it. He also knew no matter what he would have tried, people would always see him as the coward. So he gave it up.
It had hurt her and it still hurt her.
She was the entire opposite of who he was.
Fierce. Kind. Selfless.
She closed her eyes. She tried to forget but she couldn't. She just… couldn't.
Love wasn't something you could control. Love wasn't something you could forget.
Pretending was no reality. Repressed feelings weren't buried. They stayed until they fade away.
Right now, she wanted to kick his ass. For all the things he left unsaid, undone, unforgiven. For letting her down, alone. Even with that, she wanted him back. It was selfish but the world, life was selfish, right? And pretty darn unfair.
Why did everybody except her have every right to be happy? Why couldn't she be like anybody else? What in Merlin's beard has she done to feel this lonely?
Some said she didn't try hard enough. Some said she was a fool. Some said she was insane since she had a relationship with him.
She cried harder, she grabbed the pillow he used to sleep on and she couldn't stop crying. Her heart, her head, her soul hurt and there was nothing she can do. Nothing anyone can do.
Downstairs, her friends were waiting for her. Harry was nervously tapping the table with his fingers.
"She's getting late." He said. "Maybe we should-"
"Should what?" Ginny abruptly asked. By the look on her face, she was also impatient. "Take her by force? Not that I want her to stay alone but… but isn't it too late now? What can we possibly tell her to make it okay? That it's life? That she should get over him? That it'll be fine when obviously it won't? She doesn't buy lies and you know it. We all don't."
"I know, Gin, but we can't let her like this! I refuse to. I know she'll regret it. They're not going to wait for us very long, they've never like him."
"But they do love her!" Neville almost shouted. He was having enough of them; they were always talking and not helping at all. "They'll wait for her. They have to. After all he has done, after she has done, all she's gone through. After all she's lost for us all. That's the least we can do. We should be comforting her instead of hearing you fight-"
"We're not fighting!" replied Harry and Ginny in the same time.
"Stop it! All of you!" Ron was running out of patience too. There was a lot of tension in this room. None of them had their sleep these nights, especially him. Everything went so fast.
He got up and was making his way to Hermione when Ginny asked "Where are you going?"
"See her. I can't stay here doing nothing. Make her some tea; I'll make her come down."
They silently agreed and did as told after a quick glance at each other. Ron was right. They weren't helping at all.
.
He kisses her again. He couldn't get tired of it. The sweet taste of her lips, full of blood, drops of life and love. Her lips he's bitten when he was overwhelmed.
He often pins her to the wall, not because he is one of these machos, but because that is what happens whenever they have a huge fight. She usually slaps him, he gets mad, they yell at each other, going on circles and eventually come closer to shout even louder at each other's ear and then passion would take over.
Her grip is firm and his arms hold her tight as he doesn't want her to vanish. As if it is only a dream. He's never admitted that the feeling of her curves against his body never fails to drive him mad. He can smell the bravery and the ferocity by the perfume of her fair skin.
He gently caresses her hair while intensely looking at her, wishing he can say the words she is longing to hear. He can't give her that. He hopes she understands. He hopes she knows. He hopes his acts can tell her the words he can't say out loud.
.
Hermione had stopped crying by the time Ron came into the room. She was staring at the window. Tears she had let falling were drying. It was a windy day though the sun was trying to pierce the clouds with feeble ray of lights.
"Hermione?"
She said nothing.
"Can I… May I enter?"
She said nothing.
"Okay… Hermione, are you alright?"
"Do I look like I am?" she said, briskly turning her head to face him. She felt the tears threatening to roll down again. Ron hesitated stepping in but did what he had to do. He sat on the bed, looking at the ceiling. Then, he took a deep quick breath before looking at her.
"Come here."
She blinked a few times. She sat up next to him. She let her head rest on his shoulder and let him embrace her with his arms.
Nothing to say. Nothing to do.
Slowly, he began to lightly rub her hair.
"Ron, I can't do this…"
"Shh, I'm not trying to do anything. You need a friend and I'm your friend, that's it."
"Ron, I know how you feel and it's not the moment for me to…"
"I said shh. I'm no prat, you know me Hermione. I'm not trying to have you back. I just want… I mean… I'm your best friend. I want to be there for you. Just… be there when you need me to. So, stop arguing."
She obeyed and began crying again.
"What did he have to leave me alone? Why him, Ron?"
"I don't know, I- I don't know. I wish there could have been another way. I really do."
"You hated him!"
"Yes, I did but what's the point? I can't resent him anymore, he protected you when none of us could. You won't like it but I'm happy he did because otherwise you wouldn't be here."
"But why did he have to DIE? He wasn't perfect but I loved him just like that. I wish… Oh Ron, I've said horrible things to him. Things I shouldn't have and it's my fault, Ron."
"What do you mean? I'm sure it's not."
"You don't know… Ron! I'm horrible. The night before, I yelled at him. I called him a coward who has never cared for anyone but himself and told him to leave me and then we were trapped… Everything happened so fast. It's my fault, Ron, he had said we shouldn't talk about it when we were on mission but I couldn't help it. I don't even know why I insisted on arguing with him when I knew how dangerous it was."
"I don't know what to say…"
"There's nothing to say! It's too late, he's not coming back and it's my fault! All of it! Do you understand that? I was distracted, I distracted him and we got ambushed! I'm the one who should be dead right now!"
"You don't think that, Hermione, do you? Your life is valuable!"
.
"A mudblood and a mudblood lover. Fancy that!" was all they could hear before being jinxed.
The three Death Eaters all aimed at Hermione, casting nasty spell to make her suffer to no end. He was fast enough, as he has always been, jumped and pushed her.
He hasn't taken all of it. Just one of it, the worst of three.
He make both of them disapparate just in time to the Head Quarters. She was in a really bad shape and he thought he was doing okay.
The others took care of her, trying to heal her and not caring whether or not he was injured too. His pride wouldn't have allowed it and he wasn't bleeding or anything anyway.
She was unconscious. He wasn't so he stayed by her bed the whole day. When the night had fallen, it turned out he was paralyzed. Bit by bit since he apparated, until he couldn't breathe anymore, until his heart couldn't beat anymore. It was vicious since the process made it unnoticeable. What a sly curse. The irony.
He didn't regret taking the curse though. She made him a better man without turning him into another one. She gave him strength and courage. And love. He was thankful to her. He was ready to say these three words now… he just wished he had been ready earlier.
.
She couldn't help herself but the scene seemed to play over and over again in her head. She was tired. She was alone. Her sole soldier just fell.
"His life was valuable too. It was so much valuable to me, Ron…"
"Then don't make it worse. I'm not good at this but he wouldn't have wanted this. What he did, he would have done it anyway, the fight that you had doesn't mean anything. Because he's saved you though you said the things you said you did. He knew better, Hermione, he knew… he knew he loved you and… and… and I'm sure he knew you loved him too."
"I still love him, Ron! And it hurts! I don't want it to stop because I don't know what I'll do if… if I don't feel this anymore. He was part of me, Ron, he was my anchor and I've lost it and it is my entire fault. I didn't get a chance to tell him I'm sorry for all the things that went wrong, I didn't get a chance to tell him he was a good person! That I was proud of whom he had become! He wasn't perfect but his flaws? I wouldn't have dared erase them."
It was selfish of her to talk about Draco like this considering Ron's feeling for her. But damn it, these were the words that had to get out of here. The red-haired was aware of that. He also knew there wasn't much time left before they have to go fight again… and that she needed this.
"Time is too short for regrets, Hermione. You have to get through it. Maybe he didn't know he was dying but when he jumped to save you, he knew there was a risk. He made the choice alone, Hermione, he hadn't asked you anything. What could you have possibly done about that, uh? So stop saying it is your fault. It is not. There is no way I can tell we got along him and I, but I know this for sure: he certainly hadn't given up his life to let you die of sorrow with me on his bed."
She had nothing to say against that. He was right, she knew it. Still, easier said than done or so they say.
"And I know you can't shove away this pain but you have to live with it and keep fighting. The war is almost over but it doesn't mean everything's going to be easy. It's hard but it is war. You fight, you get hurt, maybe you die, maybe you don't, but you keep fighting because that's the best we can do. We live for the people who died for us. We live for what we have been defending for so long. So war won't ever happen again for the people we love and will love."
"I miss him, Ron. I miss him every single moment he's not with me."
"I know and you better not. Missing someone is not a bad thing, Hermione. But you have a life to fully live too."
They stayed like this a moment, until it was time.
.
"You won't ever change, will you?" he told her one night. They had a rough day and were both exhausted. It was one of these nights they would just cuddle and be thankful for the night they've been granted.
"Would you have wanted me another way?"
"Promise me you won't."
"Why should I?"
"Just promise me."
"You're being strange. What is it?"
"You're… We're good like this."
It was two weeks before all happened.
.
She realized that what she had been doing for weeks wasn't working. It was the first step to move on.
She'd miss him forever, she was sure of that. She even doubted she could be with someone else. But she didn't have to be sorry or sad for the rest of her life.
"It's not a good bye, right?" she whispered.
"I'm afraid it is."
"I'm afraid of it."
"You're not alone, Hermione. You have friends and memories. Good memories of him. Of you two together. Nothing ends."
The grave says:
Draco Malfoy – Beloved arrogant ferret.