A/N: Written because Jade and I read this really funny Naruto fic that makes lots of uke jokes.
An uke is, um, the guy in a yaoi relationship who takes the bottom position.
Moving on, if anyone cares, I picture Setsuna's character as a mixture of Temperance Brennan from the TV show Bones and Shino from the anime Naruto.
Disclaimer: I don't own Miley Cyrus's song Girls' Night Out (GNO), Gloria Gaynor's I Will Survive, the medical journal Infection Control and Epidemiology, the state of Wisconsin, or anything from our dearly beloved Sailor Moon.
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Guys' Night Out
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With her favorite game banned from the Senshi slumber parties, Setsuna was forced to turn to another venue: Shittenou get-togethers.
The prince and his Shittenou didn't have slumber parties, of course. They were far too unmanly. The slumber parties, that is, not the prince and his Shittenou. They were plenty manly, thank you very much.
Well, except for Motoki when he wore aprons.
But aside from that, they were too manly for slumber parties.
Instead, they had Guys' Nights Out, which they only participated in because their wives had forced them to get out of the house once in a while.
Actually, Serena forced Darien to go out, and he forced the others, since he wasn't about to go out on the town by himself on a Friday night. He was far too cool for that.
At any rate, these Guys' Nights Out (or GNO, as they will henceforth be called; no relation to the Miley Cyrus song) had somehow devolved to the point that they were spent at karaoke bars.
On this particular GNO, the following things were taking place:
Asanuma and Motoki were belting out "I Will Survive."
Darien was using the Golden Crystal to tamper with the security camera so that no one would ever know that he, Dr. Darien Shields, had come to a karaoke bar with four other males.
And Mikai was interrogating Helios – who, in the tight-fitting powder blue turtleneck and jeans that Serena had given him to wear when she informed him he would be accompanying Darien on his GNO, looked vaguely like an uke character from a yaoi manga – about what it was like to have a horn. He was thinking of getting one surgically implanted himself, he informed the Elysian priest, just a small one, maybe ten centimeters.
It was into this scene that Setsuna teleported herself, appearing on the couch beside Darien.
"Now you're back! From outer space! I turned ar– " Motoki and Asanuma's eyes landed on Setsuna, and their voices died.
"Thank God," said Darien.
"Hey!" protested Asanuma, picking up one of the fruity sherbert drinks that Motoki had ordered. "We sounded great, and you know it."
But Darien wasn't paying attention to him anymore. He was sidling away from Setsuna, who had tilted her head to an almost ninety-degree angle, staring at him.
Abruptly, she said, "Have you ever considered piercing your ears?"
Asanuma spewed his drink.
Setsuna blinked placidly through the orange liquid now dripping down her face. "I propose a game."
Darien took off his reading glasses (he had brought along the latest issue of Infection Control and Hospital Epidemiology to read while the others made fools of themselves) and used the hem of his shirt to wipe the fruit juice and Asanuma-drool from the lenses. "No."
"What?" Asanuma looked up from where he'd begun to wipe the spilled juice off the table with a bit of white cloth. "Why not?'
"Yes, why not?" said Setsuna in her clipped voice. "I assure you, it is much more entertaining than your current shenanigans."
Darien, Asanuma, Motoki, and Mikai all blinked. Shenanigans? Was Sailor Pluto a grandma?
Helios, who had no idea what "shenanigans" were and was merely desperate to escape the exquisite torture of Mikai's interrogation and Motoki and Asanuma's singing, said, "Please let's play Setsuna-san's game, Darien-sama?"
And he blinked pleadingly.
Darien recoiled. Motoki blushed.
Mikai grinned and scooted closer to Helios on the couch.
"Okay, we're playing," Asanuma told Setsuna in a nasal voice, plugging his nosebleed with the same handkerchief he had used to wipe the table. "What are the rules?"
"Well," said Setsuna. "It's like Truth or Dare – "
"I choose Dare!" shouted Asanuma, springing up and flinging himself at the black-haired man.
Darien ducked, and Asanuma landed on Helios instead. The priest let out a shriek. Mikai grabbed at Asanuma to pull him off while Asanuma scrambled violently to escape back to Darien.
Setsuna looked on in interest, while Motoki was blushing violently.
"So this is what goes on during your male slumber parties," she observed clinically. "It is quite amusing. I shall have to share it with the princesses."
All movement ceased. Asanuma, still in Helios's lap, turned his head slowly, his face pale. Motoki, Mikai, and Helios, stared at Setsuna, their faces as red as Asanuma's was white.
And Darien complacently sipped his coffee, hoping Pluto would carry out her threat. To see Rei's face if she heard about Asanuma's GNO shenanigans…the prospect made him cackle into his mug.
Then he frowned, pulled the mug away from his lips, and glared down at the coffee that had dribbled down his front.
He sighed. "Let's just start the stupid game."
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"So we have to try to shock each other?" said Motoki after Setsuna had explained the rules. "Okay. Um…" He scratched his head, then blushed. "Well. This one time, at the arcade, there was this girl who wouldn't stop trying to pinch my butt. So I put a laxative in her milkshake to make her go away."
"Motoki," said Asanuma after a beat of silence. "That wasn't a girl. That was Darien's friend Fiore."
More silence.
Darien scratched his chin. "I always wondered why he'd never go back to the arcade after that." He scratched his chin some more. "And why he always wore that purple shirt."
"Interesting," said Setsuna, tilting her head and looking at Darien again. "Are all of your close companions of the homosexual orientation?"
Darien choked.
"Oh!" exclaimed Motoki happily, pointing at Darien. "He choked! I get an extra point!"
"He didn't choke because of you," Asanuma said, slapping the arcade manager upside the head. "He choked because of Setsuna! She gets the point."
Setsuna smiled. "I am very good at this game."
"Okay, my turn." Mikai sat forward, elbows on his knees. He looked back and forth between them, his eyes wide, as though he was about to tell a scary story to children around a campfire. "Ami and I…"
Everyone sat forward, wide-eyed and expectant and with bated breath, waiting to hear that Mikai and Ami had sex with fuzzy pink handcuffs while making Snow Princess Kaguya youma sounds or something equally kinky.
"...have figured out how to reproduce through binary fission!"
He leaned back with a wide, satisfied grin.
Everyone else blinked.
"Darien-sama, what is binary fission?" Helios whispered.
Asanuma jumped in. "Well, Helios, when a man and a woman love each very much – "
"A stork brings them a baby!" Motoki shouted, slapping a hand over Asanuma's mouth. He glared at his friend for attempting to corrupt the innocent young uke – ahem, priest. Then he blushed, cleared his throat, and looked back at Helios. "The stork wraps it up all nice in a blanket and flies it through the sky and leaves it on their doorstep."
Helios looked at him with wide eyes, then back at Darien. "That sounds like something Queen Nehelenia would do," he said. "Except…" His voice fell to a whisper. "She would put the baby in fuzzy pink handcuffs."
Everyone choked.
"HA!" shouted Mikai. "EVERYONE choked! I win!"
"I. Did not. Choke," said Setsuna in a quiet, scary voice.
"Oh." Mikai shrank back into the couch. "Sorry. I didn't realize."
Setsuna eyed him for a moment longer. Then she turned her attention to Helios and said, "Binary fission is none of those things, Helios-chan. It is a process by which one cell reproduces asexually to form two daughter cells by forming a wall inside itself and separating into two halves. It is usually used by – " Her eyes went back to Mikai. " – bacteria."
Mikai cringed.
Helios cleared his throat. In a quavering voice, he said, "I – I shall go next."
Everyone turned to listen attentively to him. Except Darien, who had pulled out his cell phone and was texting Serena to remind him never to let any of his friends within ten feet of their children.
Helios stammered, blushing faintly, "O-one t-time, in Elysion…Endymion-s-s-sama l-left behind his h-handkerchief, and I – " He blushed harder. "– k-kept it! I still h-have it, in m-my pocket!"
He reached for it…
…and frowned with wide eyes, looking down at his pocket.
"Oops."
All eyes swung to Asanuma.
Who was holding up the white handkerchief he had used to wipe up his fruit juice and staunch his nosebleed.
"You mean this one?" he said weakly.
Helios burst into tears.
Motoki and Mikai hurried to comfort him, glaring at Asanuma as they patted the slender priest's back.
"There, there," said Motoki, rubbing Helios's shoulder.
"There, there," said Mikai, rubbing Helios's arm.
"This game needs to end," said Darien, pinching his own nose.
Setsuna ignored them all. "I believe I will take my turn now."
She cleared her throat and sat up a little straighter.
"In another reality – "
She paused for dramatic effect.
" – Asanuma had what you Terrans call a man-crush on Darien."
Motoki and Mikai kept rubbing Helios's back. They stared at her blankly, as though waiting for the punchline.
After a pause of silence, Darien said, "So…nothing's different in that reality, then."
Setsuna blinked at him.
Then she blinked at Asanuma, and Mikai, and Motoki, who all looked as unimpressed as their prince. Why…even Helios-chan looked unimpressed!
Setsuna tried again. "And in another reality, Darien started dating Serena when he was in college and she was a middle school student!"
Helios gasped and looked deeply troubled. "Darien-sama! That is very inappropriate!"
Asanuma had crumpled to the floor. At first Setsuna thought that he had passed out, and she felt deeply pleased with herself.
But then a sound erupted from him, and she realized that the blonde was rolling around on the carpet with laughter.
Mikai slapped Darien high-five. "Right on, my man!"
Motoki looked a little relieved. "I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought those middle school uniforms were… well. You know." He clasped Darien's shoulder in solidarity.
Darien stared at them all. Already he was taking his cell phone back out to text Serena again that they needed to move far, far away, where none of these insane people would ever find them.
But then his mind found itself wandering back into his memory, and it found a recollection of Serena in her middle school uniform.
He swallowed. And flipped his phone open, but this time his text was to ask her if she still had any of her old school uniforms in the closet and did she think they would still fit?
Setsuna, seeing that she had lost her reign over the game, tried one more time.
"And once, when Rini came back from the future, Helios slipped into her dreams and kissed her!"
Helios gasped. He looked stricken, staring down at his hands as though he had never seen them before. Then his wide eyes met Darien's dangerously glowing gold ones. "Forgive me, Darien-sama! It was – I would never – I – I will punish myself!"
He fell to his knees and seized the umbrella toothpick from Asanuma's drink, pointing it at his heart.
"You monster!" Asanuma was shaking his head at the priest, looking aghast. "She's only six!"
"Actually," said Setsuna. "Helios may be more justified than Darien. Small Lady was actually nine hundred years old, frozen in a six year-old's body. Meanwhile, college-student-Darien's Serena was actually fourteen in both mind and body."
All the men stared at her.
Then they stared at Darien.
Then Asanuma burst into more gut-splitting laughter.
"Oh my God!" he howled, swiping tears from his eyes. "Can we play this game every week?"